Lauren opens the episode by setting the context for today’s discussion as part 3 in a 4-part mini series with today’s topic being “dynamic” couples. Listeners should visit jasonandlaurenvallotton.com to take the free marriage assessment to get a real-time look at the state of your relationship. Understanding the three possible categories is essential to chart a pathway forward for growth in your marriage.

Segment 1: What Does a Dynamic Marriage Feel Like?

Jason begins by describing the feelings associated with a dynamic marriage, where both partners feel valued and connected:

• For Women: Feeling known, seen, heard, and valued.
• For Men: Feeling respected and believed in.
• Trust and Safety: Both partners believe they can tell the truth to one another and that the other is their safest place.
• Presence and Teamwork: Feeling each other’s presence and making decisions as a team.
• Hope for the Future: Believing in their ability to navigate hardships together with hope.

Jason emphasizes that life isn’t necessarily easier for these couples, but they have practiced the necessary skills so much that they know what to do when challenges arise.

Segment 2: Contributors to a Dynamic Marriage

Jason discusses the key factors that contribute to a dynamic and thriving marriage:

• Covenant Commitment: A deep, unwavering commitment to each other.
• Emotional Connection: Maintaining a strong emotional bond.
• Communication and Conflict Resolution: Effective communication and the ability to resolve conflicts constructively.
• Standards and Boundaries: The ability to set and keep standards that support the relationship.
• Turning Towards Each Other: Making a habit of turning towards each other first, especially in times of stress.
• Teamwork: Operating as a team in all aspects of life.

Segment 3: How to Achieve a Dynamic Marriage

Jason provides actionable steps couples can take to move towards a dynamic marriage:

• Understanding Your Normal: Recognizing what is “normal” in your relationship and identifying what adjustments are needed to create a culture that both partners feel good about.
• Practice Makes Perfect: Continuously practicing new ways of being, thinking, and communicating until they become the new normal.
• Trust-Building: Trust is often built when someone makes a mistake and then takes responsibility to clean it up, reinforcing safety and reliability in the relationship.

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Lauren opens the episode by setting the context for today’s discussion as part 2 in a 4-part mini series with today’s topic being “developing” couples. Listeners should visit jasonandlaurenvallotton.com to take the free marriage assessment to get a real-time look at the state of your relationship. Understanding the three possible categories is essential to chart a pathway forward for growth in your marriage.

Segment 1: Recognizing the Need for Growth

Jason describes the subtle signs that signal a marriage needs development. These signs might manifest as a feeling that the marriage should be better, or they might surface after a significant event that reveals the need for work to achieve a healthy relationship.

Key points discussed include:

• "Good Enough" Syndrome: Couples might feel they are “good enough” but still experience loneliness in certain areas, avoiding painful topics while focusing on what works well.
• Dissatisfaction: A feeling of dissatisfaction without clarity on whether it’s valid or how to address it.
• Partial Understanding: Feeling only partially known by your partner, recognizing areas in the marriage that lack strength, particularly in communication and conflict resolution.
• Recurring Disagreements: Persistent disagreements that never seem to find true resolution, often leading to fear of expressing true thoughts or feelings.

Segment 2: Contributors to a Developing Marriage

Jason dives into the factors that contribute to a marriage being in a developing stage, emphasizing the lack of intentional growth.

Key factors include:

• Outdated Skills: Many couples continue using communication, connection, and conflict resolution skills that they developed in high school, which are no longer sufficient.
• Pressure of Life: The added responsibilities of kids and full-time work put immense pressure on marriage, necessitating growth in both capacity and competency.
• Outdated Operating Systems: Jason likens it to using an old operating system under new pressures, which leads to feeling overwhelmed and quickly bankrupt in key areas of the relationship.
• Accumulation of Unresolved Issues: Over time, unresolved conflicts build up, creating ongoing pain, and couples have less grace for old, painful habits. The attitude of “that’s just who I am” can become a barrier to growth.

Segment 3: Moving Toward Connection and Growth

Jason outlines the steps necessary for couples to transition from a developing stage to a more connected and fulfilling marriage. He shares insights, observing that many couples experience a great awakening, often after a failure, which leads to a determination to rebuild their marriage.

Steps to move forward include:

• Identifying Pain Points: Couples must be willing to focus on what they are contributing to the issues, taking ownership of their actions.
• Setting Clear Targets: A clear and consistent plan is essential. Couples should agree on targets and work together to achieve them.
• Relying on Guidance: Counseling, courses, or other structured programs can be invaluable. Jason emphasizes the importance of trusting someone else’s plan rather than trying to navigate the challenges alone. Making an investment in professional guidance can be a game-changer.

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Lauren opens the episode by setting the context for today’s discussion as part 1 in a 4-part mini series with today’s topic being “disconnected” couples. She encourages listeners to visit jasonandlaurenvallotton.com to take the free marriage assessment, a tool designed to give a real-time look at the state of your relationship. She emphasizes that understanding the three possible categories is essential to chart a pathway forward for growth in your marriage.

Segment 1: Understanding Disconnection in Marriage

Jason begins by sharing a profound truth: “People don’t fall out of love; they become disconnected.” He then dives into the feelings and signs of disconnection:

• Your partner feels like the enemy: You might find yourself arguing with them, even when they’re not around.
• Emotional Safety: You feel unsafe to share your true emotions, leading to hiding or dishonesty.
• Building a Case: You spend time thinking about how you’re right and they’re wrong, instead of seeking connection.
• Self-Protection: You stop asking for help, become self-sufficient, and focus on meeting your needs independently.

Segment 2: Contributors to a Disconnected Marriage

Jason shares a personal story from early in his marriage, where unresolved conflict led him to shut down emotionally. He explains that poor communication and conflict resolution skills are major contributors to disconnection. However, he clarifies that conflict itself isn’t the problem; it’s the inability to work through it effectively.

Key points discussed include:

• Past Traumas and Unhealed Pain: How these can dictate decisions and create barriers to connection.
• Addictions: The role of substances or behaviors like alcohol, porn, drugs, or overwork in eroding trust and credibility in a marriage.
• Self-Love: Jason emphasizes that your ability to love and care for yourself directly impacts how you love your partner.

Segment 3: Moving Toward Connection

Jason talks about the importance of courage, compassion, authenticity, and vulnerability in creating pathways to connection. He references Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly (link), underscoring that connection starts with personal responsibility.

He highlights the following steps:

• Ownership and Humility: Jason shares a personal story of a fight outside the church, illustrating the importance of focusing on your part in a conflict.
• Gottman’s Repair Attempts: Referencing a fight in Hawaii, Jason discusses the value of repair attempts in restoring connection. He points listeners to Gottman’s book (link).
• Making Amends: Jason advises that sometimes reconnection requires making amends, especially when your partner hasn’t felt seen, heard, known, or validated in their pain.

Resources:

• Vallotton's Marriage Connection Assessment
• Brown’s Daring Greatly: Amazon Link
• Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: Amazon Link

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In this enlightening episode, Jason and Lauren Vallotton sit down with Ken Williams, a father of four and co-founder of the Changed Movement, to discuss one of the most critical and often challenging topics for parents today: how to talk to your kids about sex and sexuality. Ken shares his transformative journey of overcoming same-sex attraction and dedicating his life to helping others.

This episode emphasizes the 'first mention principle,' guiding parents on how to be the primary source of information for their children on topics of sex and sexuality. They dive deep into the following points:

Key Talking Points:

1. When and How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

• Timing is Key: Understanding when to start conversations about sex with your children and how to approach it based on their age and maturity.
• Parental Responsibility: Discussing how character development and sex education is primarily the role of the parent, referencing Dr. Stan Jones’ principles on the subject.
• Age-Based Conversations: Jason and Ken outline the age-appropriate conversations every parent should have to ensure comprehensive sexual education for their kids.
• Resource Highlight: God’s Design for Sex by Dr. Stan Jones is recommended as a foundational resource for parents.

2. Stewarding the Power of Sexuality

• Ken’s Insights: Helping your children understand and steward the powerful aspects of sexuality and reproduction responsibly.
• Vision and Development: Why attaching a clear vision to your children’s development helps prevent emotions and circumstances from dictating their views on sexuality.
• Avoiding the Pitfall of “The Talk”: Exploring where parents often go wrong by treating sex education as a one-time conversation rather than an ongoing dialogue.
• Purpose Behind the Drive: The importance of helping kids understand why they have a sex drive and how vision gives purpose to the discipline needed to protect it.

3. Addressing Gender Confusion and Identity

• Cultural Shifts: Jason and Ken discuss the rising percentage of young people identifying as LGBTQ+ and the cultural changes influencing this shift.
• Core Values vs. Cultural Norms: How parents can uphold their core beliefs and values while navigating relationships in a society with diverse views on gender and sexuality.
• Building Strong Identity: Practical advice for building a strong sense of identity in your kids to combat confusion about gender and sexuality.
• Compassion and Truth: Encouraging parents to raise kids who show compassion towards others while holding onto truth, and discussing the lies being fed to kids about gender identity.
• Personal Story: Jason shares his own story of navigating fear and confusion about his sexual identity.

Resources Mentioned:

• Moral Revolution's Parent Well: A valuable resource for parents navigating these complex topics.
• God’s Design for Sex: A recommended read by Dr. Stan Jones.
• Changed Movement: Visit ChangedMovement.com and check out their ebook “Self Discovery” for more insights and support.

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This is the second part in a three part series on Parenting the Hard Stuff! In this episode, Jason and Lauren Vallotton sit down with Ben and Brittney Serpell, parents of three and Senior Leaders at Loving on Purpose, to discuss the challenges of guiding children through the world of dating.

Key Discussion Points:

• Imperfect Parenting: Brittney Serpell shares her thoughts on navigating the ups and downs of parenting, emphasizing the importance of connection with your children.
• When is the Right Time to Start Dating? The Serpells discuss the idea that there is no "one size fits all" answer, as each child is unique. They stress the importance of maturity, connection with parents, and a relationship with God in guiding this decision.
• Preparing Kids for Dating: Learn how to set expectations for your children as they start exploring romantic relationships. The Serpells discuss the importance of helping kids understand the emotions and decisions that come with liking someone.
• Purpose of Dating: We explore the idea that dating in youth should be about getting to know someone, having fun, and learning about yourself—rather than searching for a lifelong partner.
• Parental Intervention: The Serpells share a personal story about their daughter Delani and how they navigated a challenging dating situation. They also offer advice on when and how parents should step in if things aren’t going well.
• Navigating Screens in Dating: With technology playing a significant role in today’s dating world, Ben and Brittney discuss the importance of helping kids filter their communication and make wise choices.
• Leading Kids Through Dating: The conversation delves into guiding children through the emotional, physical, and relational aspects of dating, emphasizing the need to balance validation with pointing them toward healthy relationships.
• Understanding Love vs. Passion: The Serpells talk about helping kids differentiate between love and passion, and the importance of maturity in relationships.

Affiliate Linked Resources:
Imperfect Parenting by Brittney Serpell is recommended for parents who are wanting to grow in connection-based parenting.

Dr. Meg Meeker's books are recommended for parents who working to build their sons and daughters.

• Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters
• Strong Mothers, Strong Sons

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Biggest Challenges Parents Face:
The primary challenges include managing the pervasive presence of technology and its impact on children. Parents must prioritize training their children in godly principles. The need for intentionality is crucial, as the internet is actively influencing and potentially addicting children to screens.

45% of teens report being online almost constantly (Pew Research Center). The average age for creating a first social media account is 12.6 years. Parents must evaluate their own technology use to effectively guide their children.

Technology's Influence on Development:

Technology affects emotional, social, and cognitive development, particularly in early childhood. Excessive screen time can lead to:

• Addiction due to dopamine hits
• A lack of essential life skills, resulting in instant gratification, a false sense of accomplishment and poor relationship/communication skills
• Decreased attention spans:
• The AAP recommends no more than one 1 of screen time per day for children aged 2 to 5 and consistent limits for older kids. Kids aged 8 to 12 spend an average of 4.75 hours on screens daily (2023 study).
• 60% of parents with children aged 8 to 12 are worried about online privacy.
• Nearly 40% of children aged 10 to 17 report being bullied online.

Practical Suggestions:

• Teach children that trust and connection are the most valuable commodities. “If I trust you, you get so much freedom.” 
• Create age-appropriate boundaries for technology use.
• Enforce boundaries without fostering conflict or resentment.
• Encourage children to set their own boundaries.
• Delay giving children phones until at least 8th grade.
• Establish a bedtime for phones.
• Consider options like the GABB phone and Bark phone
• Tailor screen time based on the level of freedom your child can handle.

Recommended Resources:

• Defend Young Minds  - Vallotton affiliate links
  • Brain Defense resources for families, classrooms, schools, etc.
  • Brain Defense home page
• Amazon affiliate link to  books
  • Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr.
  • Good Pictures, Bad Pictures for older kids 
• Protect Young Eyes
• Common Sense Media

Guests: Cole & Caitlin Zick, Pastors of Risen King Church in Redding, CA, and Former Directors of Moral Revolution

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Episode Overview:

In this heartfelt episode, Jason and Lauren delve into the transformative power of life with Jesus and how it serves as the ultimate foundation for relational health. They share personal stories, reflect on their spiritual journeys, and discuss the profound impact of understanding Jesus as both a savior and a relational companion.

Key Discussion Points:

1. The Vallotton’s Foundations of Faith:
   • Jason’s Upbringing: Jason recounts growing up in a home where the supernatural was a regular part of life. With parents who pastored a small community church, Jason experienced a world where the angelic and the demonic were very real, shaping his understanding of faith.
   • Lauren’s Journey: Lauren reflects on her evolving understanding of salvation, contrasting her early perceptions with her deeper, more mature insights today.
2. Understanding Salvation:
   • Early vs. Present Views: Lauren discusses how her concept of salvation as a young girl differed from her current perspective, emphasizing the relational aspect of Jesus over mere religious concepts.
   • Relationship with Jesus: Both hosts highlight the significance of Jesus’s promise to be with us, focusing on how this relationship is central to overcoming life's challenges and finding true peace.
3. Favorite Scriptures:
   • Philippians 4: Emphasis on peace and contentment through Christ.
   • James 1: Insights on perseverance and wisdom.
   • Joshua 1:9: Encouragement to be strong and courageous, with God’s presence.
   • Isaiah 12:2: The joy and salvation found in trusting God.
4. Christ’s Role in Our Lives:
   • Relational Health: The discussion centers on how Jesus takes upon Himself our impossibilities, shortcomings, and burdens, offering a relationship that surpasses mere religious practice.
   • The Ultimate Price: Jason and Lauren reflect on the beautiful truth that Christ not only addresses our struggles but desires a deep, personal relationship with us.

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In this episode, the Vallottons share some insights after their recent experience when Jason handled solo parenting for six days while Lauren was away. Families can set themselves up for success during these times by paying attention to the following categories and planning ahead!

Prep for Leaving:

• Ask the Right Questions: Before you leave, ask your partner if there's anything specific they would love you to do or set up. It's important to know their actual needs versus what you think might help. 
• Babysitters and Meals: Arrange for babysitters and meal planning in advance to reduce the stress on your partner.
• Household Tasks: Take care of essential household tasks before leaving to ensure a smooth operation while you're away.
• Lists: Create a list of important information, but don’t be surprised if it’s not needed.
• Packing: Don’t wait until the last minute to pack. Being prepared ahead of time reduces stress for everyone.

Setting the Kids Up for Success:

• Thoughtful Gestures: Find ways to help the kids feel connected while you're gone.
• FaceTime Flexibility: Don’t force FaceTime calls if the kids are not in the right mood. It's better to have quality conversations when everyone is in a good place.
• Routine Maintenance: Keep the kids' routine as consistent as possible, even when one parent is away. This helps provide stability.
• Activity Planning: Make a plan for fun activities the kids will enjoy.

Couples Connect:

• Virtual Dates: It’s possible to have an intimate date via FaceTime. Set aside time to connect as a couple even when apart.
• Processing Time: Allow each other time to process the separation and share feelings, even while apart.
• Small Touchpoints: Send small, thoughtful messages or texts to stay connected throughout the day.

Think About Re-Entry Ahead of Time:

• Itinerary Planning: Consider your return itinerary based on your needs and those of the family.
• Expectation Management: Acknowledge that being away is not always a vacation. Coming home might not mean feeling refreshed. Plan accordingly to accommodate both partners' needs.
• Physical Intimacy: It's important to discuss and manage expectations about sex when returning from a trip.
• Re-entry Stress: Talk as a couple about potential re-entry stress and how to mitigate it.

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Money can be a tough topic for marriages and relationships, especially in today's challenging financial climate. Finances can become a minefield for some couples, but achieving a life of peace and power in every area, including finances, is possible. Peace isn't about the absence of conflict or troubles; it's about having a plan.

In this dynamic and empowering episode, Jason Vallotton sits down with his good friend Chris Lamm, owner of Mortgage One in Redding, California, and host of the Money Whole podcast. Together, they address the keys to moving towards financial freedom and fostering financial harmony in relationships.

1. Seek Expertise: Find someone who’s better at managing finances than you and ask for help.
2. Budgeting: Utilize a personal family budget to track and manage expenses effectively.
3. Long-Term Vision: Create a long-term vision for where you want to be financially, then reverse-engineer that vision to set achievable goals.
4. Strategic Financial Management: Be strategic with income, investments, and savings by either increasing your income, cutting unnecessary spending, or both.
5. Overcoming Barriers: Address barriers to financial growth, including fear and uncertainty.
6. Take Action: Take proactive steps towards your financial goals, no matter how small they may seem.

Quotes:

• "Peace isn't the absence of conflict or troubles; it exists when you have a plan."
• "People want to feel powerful in every area of life, finances included."

Resources:

• Mortgage One
• Money Whole Podcast

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In this insightful Q&A session, the Vallottons tackle some of the most pressing questions about relationships, marriage, and friendship.

Questions Answered in This Episode:

1. Sexual Attraction in Marriage After Weight Gain
   • Discussion Points:
     • Understanding how physical changes can impact attraction.
     • Strategies to maintain intimacy and emotional connection.
     • Fostering open and honest communication with your partner about these changes.
2. Dealing with Insecurities: Boyfriend's Gorgeous Female Friend
   • Discussion Points:
     • Navigating feelings of insecurity and jealousy in a relationship.
     • Importance of trust and open dialogue with your partner.
     • Setting healthy boundaries.
3. Building a Friend Group as a Guy: Importance of Thriving Marriages
   • Discussion Points:
     • The challenge of finding male friends who are committed to their marriages.
     • How to cultivate friendships that support and reinforce positive relationship values.
     • Evaluating the importance of shared values in friendships with regards to taking ownership over areas of your life that need work.
4. Knowing When to Stop Fighting for Your Marriage
   • Discussion Points:
     • Make these decisions with wise counsel who know you and are in your daily life with you.
     • Rebuilding a solid marriage with a willing spouse is always better than divorce.
     • You can’t control anyone but yourself.
5. Dealing with Chronic Illness and Sexual Dysfunction in Marriage
   • Discussion Points:
     • Understanding the impact of chronic illness on marital intimacy.
     • Ways to maintain physical affection and emotional closeness.
     • Communicating needs and finding solutions together as a couple.

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In any deep relationship, having hard conversations is unavoidable. It's not the conflict itself that destroys connection, but rather the behavior within the conflict. Research shows that how you start a conversation determines how it ends with 80% accuracy. In this episode, we delve into the essential skill of engaging in difficult conversations in a way that builds connection rather than tearing it apart. Join the Vallottons as they explore practical strategies and mindsets for navigating these challenging moments with grace and empathy, ultimately strengthening your relationships.

5 Keys to Having Hard Conversations Well:

1. Leave Assumptions About Motives at the Door:
   • Recognize it’s easy to see a situation only from your perspective.
   • Understand there’s always another perspective and we rarely assume the best when emotions are high.
   • Avoid deciding why someone does what they do or what is happening for them.
2. Seek to Understand:
   • Ask questions like “Can you help me understand?” instead of “Why would you do that?”
   • Approach the conversation with curiosity and openness.
3. Soft Startup:
   • Use “I” statements to talk about yourself.
   • Avoid using accusatory language like “You always…” or “You make me…”
4. Look for Win-Wins:
   • Strive for outcomes that benefit both parties.
   • Focus on mutual respect and understanding.

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