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On Attachment

Stephanie Rigg

Join relationship coach Stephanie Rigg in On Attachment, where she delves deep into all things attachment theory, love, relationships & intimacy - sharing her wisdom and experience to help you start making real changes in your life & relationships.

  • 19 minutes 59 seconds
    Why Validation is so Important for Anxiously Attached People

    In today's episode, we're talking all about validation — and specifically, why it is so essential for anxiously attached people in building more security within themselves and in their relationships. 

    Most anxiously attached people are accustomed to feeling chronically invalidated (in part because they tend to do this to themselves), always wondering if they are too much, too needy, too sensitive, too paranoid, and so on. This can lead to over-reliance on a partner or others external to us to determine whether our experience is real and valid.

    Tune in for a discussion on why validation is so important for anxious attachers, and how we can give ourselves this gift to build more security and self-assuredness.


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    12 November 2024, 1:00 pm
  • 23 minutes 19 seconds
    5 Unexpected Triggers of the Abandonment Wound

    In today's episode, we're talking all about the abandonment wound — and specifically, five scenarios that might unexpectedly trigger your fears and insecurities around abandonment. When we think about the fear of abandonment, we often imagine scenarios where someone physically leaves us—maybe a breakup or a loved one walking out the door. But the truth is, this fear can manifest in much more subtle and unexpected ways, especially for those of us with anxious attachment patterns.

    We'll cover:

    • how periods of grief or loss can trigger abandonment fears
    • illness and wanting to be cared for
    • dealing with unexpected life challenges
    • periods of transition or major life changes
    • emotional overwhelm and the need for support

    Join my new membership, On Attachment Insiders today!


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    5 November 2024, 1:00 pm
  • 28 minutes 8 seconds
    How to Address a Partner’s Excessive Phone Usage

    In this episode, we dive into the growing issue of phone usage and its impact on relationship satisfaction, especially when one partner feels neglected, ignored and frustrated by the other's screen time.

    We explore why constant phone use can feel so personal, discuss strategies for approaching the topic constructively, and offer practical ways to set digital boundaries together. If you’re struggling with a partner’s phone habits, this episode will give you tools to foster more connection and understanding.

    Join my new membership community, On Attachment Insiders 🌎


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    29 October 2024, 1:00 pm
  • 13 minutes 15 seconds
    How to Stop Hoping Your Ex Comes Back

    In this episode, we're exploring the common and very human experience of hoping an ex will come back after a break-up, saying they've changed their mind and want to reconcile.

    Whether you were left unexpectedly or the break-up was a long time coming, the hope that an ex will realise their mistake and come back can be powerful and all-consuming. I'll share some mindset reframes and tools to relate to your hoping differently, so you can validate yourself while still moving forward in a direction that supports your wellbeing and next chapter.

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    22 October 2024, 1:00 pm
  • 20 minutes 49 seconds
    How Fearful Avoidant Attachment Shows Up In Relationships

    In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.

    Key points include:

    • Feelings of instability in relationships: Many with fearful avoidant attachment feel fine when single, but painful emotions surface in relationships, often leading to blaming their partner.
    • Impact of partner's attachment style: A hallmark of fearful avoidant attachment is the shift between anxious and avoidant behaviours, which can vary from one partner to the next depending on the attachment combinations. 
    • Idealising vs. villainising partners: There’s a tendency to place partners on a pedestal at times, but then quickly villainise them when triggered or threatened.
    • Fear of intimacy vs. longing for connection: Fearful avoidants deeply crave closeness, but a core fear of rejection — often rooted in shame — makes true intimacy feel unsafe. Fear of betrayal and difficulties with trust are also common. 


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    15 October 2024, 1:00 pm
  • 29 minutes 32 seconds
    How to Work Through a Trigger

    In today’s episode, we’re talking about how to navigate emotional triggers in a healthy and constructive way. Whether it’s a comment, an argument, or even an unexpected event, triggers can send us into emotional overdrive, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from ourselves. But with the right tools, you can slow down the spiral and regain control over your emotions.

    I’ll guide you through a simple, four-step process to help you work through triggers in real time. We’ll explore how to pause and ground yourself, tune into what’s happening in your body, examine the story you’re telling yourself about the situation, and identify what you truly need to move forward.

    If you’ve ever felt hijacked by your emotions and want practical steps to bring more calm and clarity to these moments, this episode is for you.

    What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

    • Why we get triggered and how the body responds to perceived threats
    • The importance of pausing and creating space before reacting
    • How to tune into your body to notice sensations and ground yourself
    • Questions to help you check the story you’re telling yourself about the situation
    • How to discern whether you need to have a conversation or if you can genuinely let it go
    • Identifying what you need to feel empowered and move forward

    ✨ Download the free cheat sheet on How to Work Through a Trigger here ✨


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    8 October 2024, 1:00 pm
  • 17 minutes 9 seconds
    5 Signs You're Ready For a Relationship

    How do you know if you're ready for a relationship? Perhaps you've asked yourself this question — and in today's episode, that's what we're exploring. While I don't believe we ever reach some objective place of being "healed enough" to enter a relationship, I do believe there are certain indicators we can look out for — signs that we're in a strong place mentally and emotionally, which will set us up for the best possible chance at finding and building a healthy partnership.


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    1 October 2024, 2:00 pm
  • 18 minutes 31 seconds
    How to Stop Obsessing About Someone

    In this episode, we’re tackling the challenging topic of obsessive thinking about someone and how to break free from that mental loop that causes suffering.

    We’ll explore different approaches, including Byron Katie’s The Work as a top-down method for challenging your thoughts, somatic tools to discharge anxiety from the body as a bottom-up approach, as well as the broader work of addressing the insecurities and wounds that often fuel obsessive thinking.

    By addressing your thoughts, calming your body, and working through your deeper emotional wounds, you can find peace and clarity in your relationships.


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    24 September 2024, 8:00 pm
  • 16 minutes 30 seconds
    3 Things You'll Notice in Your First Healthy Relationship

    In this episode, we’re exploring three key things you’ll likely notice when you experience your first truly healthy relationship. While healthy relationships are often idealised, they still come with their own challenges. 

    We’ll discuss how they invite vulnerability, reveal where we may have been hiding behind dysfunction, and show us that even secure partners can be imperfect. Finally, we’ll talk about how conflict in a healthy relationship doesn’t disappear, but it feels safer and more productive.

    Key Points Covered:

    1. Vulnerability: When you're in a healthy dynamic, the absence of chaos can feel unfamiliar, and it may expose areas where you’ve avoided vulnerability by leaning on old, dysfunctional patterns.
    2. Imperfection in Secure Partners: It’s easy to idealise secure partners as perfect, but it’s important to remember that they, too, are human. The difference is in how they respond to their imperfections and how you both handle those inevitable moments of frustration.
    3. Safe Conflict: You’ll realise that disagreements can be handled with mutual respect and a sense of safety, where both partners feel heard and valued, even in moments of tension.


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    17 September 2024, 2:00 pm
  • 22 minutes 3 seconds
    Sex & Attachment: How Anxious & Avoidant Attachment Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics

    In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does. 

    We’ll cover five key differences in how anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and approach sex.

    1. Emphasis on Emotional vs Physical Intimacy
      Anxiously attached individuals may place a stronger emphasis on emotional intimacy and connection as a foundation for physical intimacy. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals might prioritize physical intimacy while keeping emotional vulnerability at arm’s length.
    2. Overthinking vs Dissociating
      When it comes to sex, those with an anxious attachment style may find themselves getting stuck in their heads, overthinking and ruminating on whether they’re pleasing their partner or what their partner might be thinking. Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might struggle to stay present during intimacy, often dissociating or emotionally checking out as a way to manage their discomfort with closeness.
    3. Focus on Other vs Focus on Self
      Anxiously attached individuals often focus heavily on their partner’s needs and feelings during sex, sometimes to the detriment of their own experience. In contrast, avoidant individuals might approach sex with a more self-focused mindset, prioritising their own comfort and boundaries, which can create distance in the sexual connection.
    4. Libido / General Openness to Being Intimate
      Anxious attachment can sometimes lead to a heightened desire for intimacy as a way to secure closeness and reassurance. Avoidantly attached individuals might experience a lower libido or be less open to intimacy, particularly if they feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness.
    5. Impact of Relational Tension on Desire for Sex
      Relational tension can have opposite effects on anxious and avoidant individuals. Those with anxious attachment may seek sex as a way to repair or soothe relational tension, while those with avoidant attachment might withdraw further, seeing sex as a source of pressure rather than connection.


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    10 September 2024, 9:00 pm
  • 22 minutes 14 seconds
    Fearful Avoidant and Anxious Attachment: Key Similarities & Differences

    In today's episode, we're diving into fearful avoidant (AKA disorganised) attachment and how it differs from anxious attachment. 

    We’ll explore how both types are driven by a fear of abandonment and intense emotions, yet differ in their approaches to intimacy, conflict resolution, and communication. 

    Whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does, this episode will give you valuable insights into the dynamics at play and how to navigate them for healthier connections.


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    3 September 2024, 9:00 pm
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