Comprehensive JRPG Retrospective
May the goddess Althena shower you in her blessings. May you take a shower while blowing up Affleck’s head, mastering skills through perseverance, erasing exhaustion with magic, sucking off a healing stick for free, gaining testicles in Spanish, dropping an anal probe reference, beating up fungus, realizing only Vane may have electricity, loathing Luna Jealousy, realizing there’s evil in the towers, refusing to shine Althena’s light, finding recorded adultery, reading all the god damned books in the library, and never assuming the legends are true. GET THERE NOW.
00:00 Intro02:46 Leaving Althena’s Shrine 07:15 Spring of Transmission 09:46 Cave of Trial 28:14 Vane Outdoors 47:47 Vane Indoors 53:35 The Library 01:02:19 More Houses! 01:06:54 Real Net 01:10:14 Outro
Still your tongue, cat. And activate your ears, as this time we’re receiving Japanese turd confirmation, roughing up Dross with kicks and pows, self-realizing limitations, sassing up “driveway,” getting ripped off on Black Rose Street, deploring a PMS joke, exposing beastwoman babes, talking on the world map, blowing the Vane reveal on PSP, stroking Nash’s ego, stretching out a floor mat, burying the dragon tribe, conjuring memories of Phacia, and realizing Phacia has red eyes. “And I’m always been comfortable with my body.”
00:00:00 Video 00:01:54 Intro 00:04:14 Sega CD Sewage 00:06:44 Goodbye, Ramus 00:21:27 Meriba NPCs 00:25:11 Black Rose Street NPCs 00:29:42 Docks 00:31:50 Mel’s Mansion 00:35:37 Fun Traveling 00:40:20 Spring of Transmission 00:46:48 Althena’s Shrine 00:58:34 Phacia Room 01:12:06 Real Net 01:18:46 Outro
It’s a dead man's party. That’s what podcasts are called on Lunar, where we’re realizing no underclass exists in Meribia, understanding Mel only trusts beastmen with weapons, verifying interspecies erotica, debating ho ho ho vs bwa ha ha, fist fighting a Hero, slandering lawyers and accountants, cringing at crushing on Jessica, locking tighter than a tenement in South Central, leaving a dent in your skull, slipping on drool, becoming victimized, getting son’d by Mel, dealing with The Guild of Brett, pushing buttons to make bridges, slaying a dragon, and having no doubt that she is the one. Now you have a friend in the Dragon Diamond business.
00:00 Intro 03:02 Mel’s Mansion 12:48 Hell Mel 18:35 Fighting Mel 21:54 Mel’s Mansion II 33:22 Selling The Diamond 39:03 We’ve Been Had 44:08 Merbian Sewers 50:14 Water Dragon 54:41 Dross’ Humiliation Ritual 59:49 Real Net 01:05:56 Outro
You kids are wack. And our hearts are content as we’re wondering if Mel took Meribia by force, placating the masses, lying to children, having a big dream, entering Dross negotiations, partying till we puke, knowing dragons are real, practicing swordsmanship, seeing our shoes under her bed, inventing meteorology, foreshadowing the necessity of magic, gender coding Luna to clean things, freaking out over a wig, and meeting a an ominous fortune teller. You’re a magician now.
00:00 Miniseries 6 Winner 02:47 Intro 04:26 Meribia Buildings! 15:32 Dross’ Shop 20:13 Meribia Port 23:57 Black Rose Street 34:54 Black Rose Street Houses 43:03 Royce 59:04 Real Net 01:02:48 Outro
Get up, stumblebut, we got jerkin’ off to do. Nope, sorry, wrong podcast. On this one we’re kink shaming a flying cat, valuing experiences over possessions, sleeping on a cot, marveling at the Meribian metropolis, questioning if turds are monsters or monsters are turds, wondering if Meribia is under mob rule, using a traveler’s cheque, role-playing with some kiddos, discovering a deliberate typo, citing inspiration from Playboy, and protecting every man’s right to be drunk and sexist. An extra hour of shore leave is the difference between getting drunk and getting arrested.
00:00 Drugs Chicken 02:18 Intro 03:29 Tumultuous Morning 07:18 Morning Dialogue 20:09 Arriving in Meribia 26:45 Meribian Outdoor NPCs 38:11 Seagull Tavern 50:13 Real Net 55:36 Outro
I won’t ferget your help. In fact, because of it, we’re introducing a fresh multiverse theory, confirming script suppositions, remembering we can’t sail without light, parting ways at the boat ride, climbing our big pole, eating fish every day, crying out for a minimart, changing out of boy mode inside of Luna mind, thinking clean dirty thoughts, stowing away Brett, chasing the stick off the porch, doing the Dew, questioning the feasibility of fireflies, and localizing a song based on nothing but vibes. Goodbye, my love.
00:00:00 Miniseries 6 00:06:24 Intro 00:07:43 Breaking News 00:16:37 Sega CD Lighthouse Quest 00:24:01 Aboard The Hispanola 00:28:35 Lower Deck 00:44:18 Night Time 00:51:47 Boat Song 01:05:08 Real Net 01:09:22 Outro
What the flippin’ hotdog is going on? Oh, I know, we’re exploring the nature of hags, visiting angelfire, finding an idiot in a dummy trap, twirling a comb, refusing the oxford comma, boiling a cauldron of animals, equating a hag to a witch, detesting backwoods inbreds, failing the ice mace quest, remaining calm while a monster wreaks havoc, fighting bugs naked, alliterating into oblivion, realizing Alex is the main character, feeling like dead weight, and helping Luna make a curious choice. I'll turn you into a soup that eats like a meal.
00:00 Studio Series 86 | 02:25 Intro | 03:47 Old Hag’s Forest | 15:25 Sea Hag’s House | 24:39 Return to Saith | 35:51 Saline Slimer | 42:49 Post Slimer | 48:48 Boat’s Leaving | 54:25 Real Net | 01:00:18 Outro
I don’t wash my hands, so I’m always hungry. Come along with us on a fantastic fart voyage while we’re reeking of fish, becoming the Orca, leaning of Luna’s reputation, filching a chicken, encountering the beastmen, noticing the absence of lore outside of the Four Heroes, hinting at a race war, cruising for a bruising, speaking without dentures, lacking sufficient statistics, offering edible toe cheese, getting drunk off of smells, losing a coin toss, discovering it was all rigged, and missing a secret Laike. If you see the captain, will you tell him he’s a moron? Thanks.
00:00 Intro | 02:57 Surveying Saith | 14:38 Saith Buildings | 42:20 Gamblin’ | 50:55 Real Net | 58:42 Outro
That’s that. Do whatever you want, don’t mind me, son. Just start learning what a chow bell is, receiving money from mom, wondering if Nall is a hallucination, dreaming the dark, hearing a song on the breeze, regretting the tone of the official guide, envying the children, razzing Ramus into oblivion, sleeping in the shed, clearing up “rump acne,” standing up to destiny, denying our Christ up to three times, refusing to take children seriously, finding our ho-ho-ho-man, and waking up without our savior father. Never settle for less than anything you’ve ever dreamt of achieving.
00:00 Monster Hunter? | 02:17 Intro | 03:50 Weird Woods | 06:37 Welp, Back To Burg | 12:40 Premonitions | 21:02 Goodbye, Burg | 28:56 Weird Woods | 35:05 Laike | 42:10 Campfire | 45:36 Weird Woods (Sega CD) | 49:32 Real Net | 59:04 Outro
We have somehow earned this thing’s respect. You have somehow earned Episode 005, where we’re touching on some healing stones, washing out a bridge, traversing across the battlefield, grunting at the sight of a human, appreciating bitmap cut-scenes, referencing Mega Man 8 (derogatory), rewarding boys with special turds, baiting baboons into ice blocks, possessing green eyes, receiving destiny instructions, questing for the prize of manhood, realizing Dad was Ramus, immediately trying to unload a precious diamond, and molesting a teddy bear. Crunchy is my opposite of woke.
00:00 PS3 Bake | 02:00 Intro | 04:00 World Map | 07:25 White Dragon Cave | 17:43 Quark’s Lair | 29:57 Dragon Ring Quest | 33:02 Quark’s Lair Again | 40:46 Return to Burg | 55:19 Real Net | 59:38 Outro
We know you’re sick with worry, but worry not, because this time we’re CAPITALIZING SELECT DIALOGUE, erecting a monument, putting up with a bean brain, choking the chicken, identifying pigs, failing to speak pig latin, refusing to understand what Nall is, standing in the spring like a cool guy, demonstrating ocarina prowess, plotting to ditch Luna, trading an ocarina for a harp, mixing innuendo in with singing lessons, offending the stork god, talking to everyone in town all the time, putting on dad’s old clothes, and, once again, becoming the pervert. Son, you’re nuts.
00:00 Intro | 03:11 Burg NPCs | 15:33 Burg Buildings | 28:57 Spring | 39:58 Spring (Sega CD) | 41:50 Burg Again | 55:27 Real Net | 57:58 Outro
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