Are there parts of yourself that you don't share with other people?   Things that you think: "If people knew that about me, they wouldn't love me / they'd think I'm a terrible person / they wouldn't even want to be around me"?   When you mess up, does it seem like it's not that you did a silly/bad thing, but that you are a stupid/bad person?   If your answer to any of these questions is "yes," then you're experiencing shame.   Almost all of the parents I work with are ashamed of some aspect of themselves...but not Dee.   That's not to say that Dee never struggles - far from it. But her struggles seem to feel more manageable to her, and she has a sense of 'right'-ness about her.   If Dee recognizes that she has a need, it never occurs to her to not ask for help from others in getting that need met.   How did this happen? What implications does it have for how we can raise our children so they don't experience shame?   In this episode, Dee shares her story and her top three ideas for raising children in a shame-free environment with us.   If you realize that shame has been a huge part of your childhood (and even adulthood) and you're ready for help healing that so you can be the kind of parent you want to be, I do hope you'll join me (and Dee!) in the Parenting Membership.   We don't just learn how to make parenting easier (although that is a big focus!). We also work to heal ourselves so we can show up as whole people in our own lives.   Enrollment opens in just a few days, on Wednesday May 5th - click here to learn more about the membership.   If you want to get a taste of how coaching in the membership works, I'd love for you to join me in the FREE Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits masterclass from 10-11 :30am Pacific on Thursday May 2nd.   It's almost like getting the insight and tools from the 8-day Setting Limits workshop that wraps up this week in one 90 minute masterclass.   I hope to see you there (we will have prizes...) - maybe I'll even get to coach you live! Click the banner below to learn more.    

Other episodes mentioned

209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner

212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see (Coming up)  

Jump to Highlights

00:59 Introducing today’s topic and featured guest 06:31 Dee talks about her life, interests, and journey as a parent, including travel, family, and retirement plans. 09:24 Dee reflects on her supportive mom, who embraced their behavior as expressions of needs and valued their personalities. 12:39 Dee reflects on her nurturing upbringing, emphasizing the importance of feeling loved and accepted. This foundation drives her to seek intentional parenting strategies. 20:31 Dee learned to negotiate needs and boundaries with her child, leading to mutual respect and a harmonious dynamic. 30:39 Dee shares her experiences in the Parenting Membership community where she finds support and insights through coaching calls, ACTion group, and modules on topics that help her navigate parenting challenges and personal growth. 40:50 Through the Parenting Membership, Dee learned to address resentment, prioritize her needs, and communicate better with her partner for a healthier balance. 01:06:15 Three things Dee suggests for parents to try on based on the conversation. 01:09:39 Wrapping up

Do you have a core group of parent friends who are always there for you? Friends who might not be 100% aligned with your parenting philosophy, but they're close enough that you know that when they do offer suggestions you would at least consider doing them?   And on the days when you just want to just vent and not hear any advice at all, you know that it'll be totally fine for you to vent. They won't take offense and they'll just empathize and reassure you that you aren't a terrible parent; you're a great parent having a difficult day - because they've seen you on your good days as well.   In this episode I'll introduce you to SIX parents who have just this kind of relationship. Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, and Kati live in the eastern United States and Jody is Australia, and they meet once a week on Zoom for 40 minutes, and each of them talks for just five minutes...and in that time, they've become incredibly close friends. The relationships they have with each other are among the deepest and most profound ones in their lives.   If you need a supportive community like this in your life then I'd love to see you in the Parenting Membership, which is where Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, Kati, and Jody met. Enrollment opens very soon, between May 5-15. If you want to get a taste what it's like in the membership works, I'd love for you to join me in the FREE Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits masterclass from 10-11 :30am Pacific on Thursday May 2nd.   It's almost like getting the insight and tools from the 8-day Setting Limits workshop that wraps up this week in one 90 minute masterclass.   I hope to see you there (we will have prizes...) - maybe I'll even get to coach you live! Click the banner below to learn more.    

Jump to Highlights

01:43 Introducing today’s episode 03:19 The Parenting Membership features ACTion groups that meet weekly, offering valuable support and insights into effective parenting strategies.  04:50 The ACTion Group is about parents coming together weekly to share their parenting progress, challenges, and goals in a supportive and accountable environment. 19:21 The ACTion Group's collaborative problem-solving and support for parent Rachel's challenge with her son were showcased, emphasizing a collective effort in addressing parenting difficulties. 26:54 The ACTion Group supports Beth in addressing her holiday break challenge and need for rest, fostering solutions and self-awareness. 33:13 The ACTion Group helps Peju integrate changes by realizing the importance of apologizing to her son and holding herself accountable to her family values. 39:40 The Action Group explored Jody's challenges with his parents, highlighting the shift towards acceptance instead of forgiveness, leading to a sense of relief and reduced emotional reactivity for him. 47:11 The group shared how the ACTion group has positively impacted their parenting journey through accountability, celebration, and community support. They emphasized the non-judgmental environment, learning from each other's experiences, and the value of consistent participation in personal growth. 01:06:59 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership  

Do you ever fight with your partner?   Do you ever fight with your partner about parenting?   (Pretty much all of the couples I work with do both of those things.)   And these arguments tend to follow a pretty well-defined formula:  

1. Child misbehaves.
2. Parent A gets overwhelmed, criticizes the child and snaps at Partner B for not doing more to help.
3. Parent B and says that clearly Parent A's 'better parenting approach' isn't working, since the kids are still misbehaving - this is contempt.
4. Parent A knows they don't want to parent the way they were raised, and also knows they aren't doing things totally in alignment with their values right now. Parent A has done a lot of work to try to heal themselves, but worries that it isn't happening fast enough to protect their children. And isn't it better than the bribing and punishing that Parent B is doing? They're being defensive.
5. Parent B stonewalls - they are overwhelmed and shuts down, refusing to talk about the issue.
6. Both partners walk away feeling frustrated, wonder how on earth it got to this point, and feel hopeless that it will ever improve.

  If your fights look like this, I'm here to let you know that there is hope!   Last year I did Levels 1 and 2 (of 3 levels) of Gottman Method training. The Gottman Method is basically the only evidence-based framework for couple's therapy.   Drs. John & Julie Gottman describe the main ways they see couples struggle in their communication, and named them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - you saw all of them in the example above.   How many of the Horsemen show up in your fights?   (Criticism is almost always the first Horseman to arrive. Interrupt that, and you can communicate in entirely different ways.)   If you wish there was a better way to communicate about these challenging issues with your partner so you could actually get on the same page and parent as a team, today's episode will show you how to do that.   You'll see a couple, Dee and Jono, who usually walk away from each other in frustration after they discuss their roles in the family.   In this conversation they use very different tools. We didn't completely resolve the issue, but they kept going with the conversation by themselves and gave me permission to also share Dee's report of what happened after the call - which was really magical!   Learn more about how you can avoid using The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and what tools to use instead so you can actually discuss these kinds of difficult topics with your partner.   It's really hard to learn these kinds of communication skills on your own. I'd actually read one of the Gottmans' books but didn't really see how to apply the ideas in my own relationship until I did their four-day training.   During the training I realized that they use basically the same set of tools I use to help parents with their children's behavior, but with a couple of key weaknesses. So I recruited couples from the Parenting Membership and created a series of demo videos so you can learn the skills and see couples practicing them.   There are cheat sheets, starter scripts, and quizzes to help you identify the Four Horsemen in real couples' arguments.   Couples who have used these tools report not just that they're able to address their disagreements more easily, but they're having fewer squabbles in the first place because things just seem to 'flow' in a way they hadn't before.   I'll coach you (live!) on how to use the tools with your own partner in the Parenting Membership. Enrollment is open between May 5th-15th. Click the image below to join the waitlist, and we'll send you a coupon code as soon as enrollment opens!       Discover how our Parenting Membership can provide invaluable support and guidance. Share this letter with your partner to help them understand the benefits of joining our community. Together, we can make parenting easier and more enjoyable.  

Other episode mentioned:

207: How to not be a permissive parent

Jump to Highlights

00:53 Introducing today’s topic 02:27 The Parenting Membership's "Parenting As A Team" module, inspired by the Gottmans' research, provides valuable guidance on communication and relationships, empowering members with tools for stronger partnerships.  09:46 Introducing the historical approach to aiding couples in managing relationship challenges, along with the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" behaviors and their remedies  15:36 Dee and Jono engage in a coaching session, where CG, a non-professional coach, showcases her active listening skills. This session highlights the importance of validation and reflective listening in resolving conflicts and understanding perspectives, emphasizing the need for external support and skill-building within communities for improved communication and relationships. 32:48 Dee and Jono's coaching call led to commitments to nurture equality through daily appreciation, shared responsibilities, and seeking peer coaching for equitable partnership strategies.  40:07 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership

Do you ever wish that you know the appropriate logical consequence to give your child (aged 1-10) for each different kind of misbehavior you see?  

• When your toddler empties the water out of the dog's bowl for the 10th time today...
• When your preschooler climbs on the table three minutes after you told them to get off it...
• When your kindergartener refuses to come to the table for dinner (and you know they're going to announce they're hungry in an hour)...
• When your elementary schooler won't get dressed in the morning (even though you know they are FULLY CAPABLE of doing it themselves) without 300 increasingly nagging, pleading, and begging 'reminders' from you...

  Wouldn't it be amazing to have the PERFECT logical consequence ready that would be appropriately proportioned to the misbehavior, and also just get your child to do the thing you're asking without you having to ask again???   But here's the thing about logical consequences: they essentially say to our child: "I don't care why you don't want to do this thing; I just want you to do it."   If we saw one adult saying that to another adult, we would call it 'emotional abuse.'   So why do we do it to our children?   Because it seems like we don't have another option to get through the day.   We actually have many other options; it's just hard to remember them all and which one to use in which circumstance.   In today's episode, I'll tell you the three main reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them).   And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, I'd love for you to join me in the FREE Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits masterclass from 10-11 :30am Pacific on Thursday May 2nd.   It's almost like getting the insight and tools from the 8-day Setting Limits workshop that wraps up this week in one 90 minute masterclass.   I hope to see you there (we will have prizes...) - maybe I'll even get to coach you live! Click the banner below to learn more.      

Other episodes mentioned:

182: How to get frustrating behaviors to stop 193: You don't have to believe everything you think 200: Ask Alvin Anything Part 1

Jump to Highlights:

00:52 Introducing today’s topic 02:32 Invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 11:08 The number 3 reason why setting limits is so hard 12:58 The importance of respectful communication and mutual understanding in parent-child interactions, highlighting scenarios where setting limits may not always be the most effective solution 25:04 The number 2 reason why it's hard to set limits 26:02  Setting limits and respecting a child's autonomy, advocating for a collaborative approach to parenting 28:41 The number 1 reason why we find it so hard to set limits 29:12 The importance of understanding and meeting both children's and parents' needs to find effective solutions to behavioral challenges, emphasizing the negative consequences of ignoring or dismissing a child's needs 41:44  Parent Cori challenges with her son's teeth brushing and the positive change brought about by understanding the child’s need for autonomy 45:42 Three great resources (and they're all free!) for parents with the same struggles as Cori’s

Sometimes when listeners write to me, fun things happen! 🤪   Listener Diana replied to a recent email because she had listened to quite a lot of my episodes (although more of the earlier ones than the recent ones) and she was generally on board with my approach.   But she was having a hard time! Despite doing a lot of things for her children, and trying to remain calm and 'unruffled' and show that she loves them unconditionally, but as pretty often when she asked them to do something they sometimes scream at her for offering to help, they attempt to boss her around, and they're inflexible and rude.   So what's going on here?   Have we (finally) met children for whom my approach simply does not work?   Of course, as soon as I received Diana's email I wanted to talk with her. She gamely agreed to come on the podcast, although she did want to protect her privacy so there's no video for this episode.   We talked through the kinds of situations she often finds herself in, and some of the reasons why her daughter, in particular, might be acting this way. It turned out that in her indecision, Diana was drifting into permissive parenting, which meant that her children didn't know her needs - because Diana didn't know her own needs.   We identified quite a few practical things she could try to consider both her own and her children's needs, and there's also a message in the episode that Diana sent me a week after we talked, sharing how things were going.   If you'd like help with your own parenting struggles, I'd love for you to join me in the FREE Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits masterclass from 10-11 :30am Pacific on Thursday May 2nd.   It's almost like getting the insight and tools from the 8-day Setting Limits workshop that wraps up this week in one 90 minute masterclass.   I hope to see you there (we will have prizes...) - maybe I'll even get to coach you live! Click the banner below to learn more.  

Other episode mentioned

Q&A#5: What really matters in parenting? Part 1

Jump to Highlights

00:48 Introducing today’s guest and topic 08:58 Diana reflects on challenges with implementing a respectful parenting philosophy and navigating differences with her high-sensitivity, high-intensity child. 13:14 Diana shares parenting struggles, negotiating with her kids, and feeling disrespected in their interactions. 26:51 Diana reflects on supporting her daughter during dysregulated moments, while Jen illustrates the importance of context in understanding behavior. 31:12 They address Diana's daughter's need for predictability and resistance to sudden changes. 46:58 The dialogue emphasizes the importance of understanding and articulating individual needs to avoid permissive parenting while ensuring both the parent's and child's needs are met. 01:00:57 The conversation highlighted the importance of understanding underlying needs behind a child's behavior, leading to a shift in perspective for the parent. 01:06:00 Three actionable steps for listeners to implement the concepts discussed

It can be really hard to see what's happening in our struggles with our children. They refuse to go to bed at bedtime; we're at home alone all day with a baby who doesn't like being put down, and our older child who is now being aggressive, and there's no time for us to even take a shower, and maybe it seems like everyone around us is judging our parenting choices.   In this very different episode you're going to hear from parents who are in exactly these kinds of situations, and who joined me for a group coaching call to talk through them. We worked through a role play with one parent, Meagan, and then we saw how the same process could apply to lots of other different kinds of situations.   Several of the parents who joined the call were kind enough to record messages after the call letting me know how the experience was for them, and with their permission I've included these recordings in the episode as well.   So if you're struggling to find your groove as a parent; if you're struggling to find yourself, this episode will help. If you want to get a taste of how coaching in the membership works, I'd love for you to join me in the FREE Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits masterclass from 10-11 :30am Pacific on Thursday May 2nd.   It's almost like getting the insight and tools from the 8-day Setting Limits workshop that wraps up this week in one 90 minute masterclass.   I hope to see you there (we will have prizes...) - maybe I'll even get to coach you live! Click the banner below to learn more.    

Other episode mentioned:

181: Why 'giving choices' doesn't work--and what to do instead  

Jump to Highlights

01:26 Introducing today’s topic 02:11 Jen talks about hosting a group coaching call for Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group members, challenging misconceptions about coaching benefits. 03:26 Participants, like Parent Kendra, express feeling connected with others and finding solace in normalizing the challenges of parenting, even in a virtual setting.   07:38 Participants shared their parenting challenges, including ADHD, tantrums, social expectations, and bedtime struggles, seeking guidance and support during the coaching call.  14:28 The conversation explores Parent Meagan's bedtime struggles with her daughter Ava, highlighting Meagan's stress and Ava's desire for autonomy and connection. Strategies to address both needs are discussed. 36:30 The conversation explores Jen's struggle balancing caregiving, household tasks, and family time. It touches on her discomfort with her baby's crying, rooted in her own childhood experiences. 46:58 The conversation discusses supporting children with neurodivergent traits, emphasizing the challenges of maintaining routines and social interactions. 56:37 Parent Kendra shares her challenge navigating societal expectations in parenting across different cultures.  01:09:05 Whitney shares how she applied the concept of understanding her son's perspective and needs during bedtime struggles. This shift in perspective helped her empathize more with her son's feelings and frustrations,  01:15:12 Invitation to the Setting Loving (and Effective!) Limits workshop  

I have to admit, I’m a bit scared to say it… The P-word… “Patriarchy.”(Phew!  I did it!)I know some listeners find it hard to hear. I’ve spoken with more than one woman who has told me: “I sent your podcast to my husband but then he heard the word “Patriarchy” and it was all over. There’s some sadness there for me, for sure. Every time I talk about patriarchy I talk about how much it hurts me and those of us who identify as women – but I also talk about how much it hurts men as well.  And that’s not just lip service: I truly believe that patriarchy has robbed men of a full emotional life. I was talking with a parent in the Parenting Membership recently who asked her husband if he ever felt truly seen and understood.  He said ‘no,’ and ended the conversation.  She cried as she told me: “I feel so sad for him that he doesn’t know that he could be seen and understood, so he doesn’t even realize he’s missing it.” We can know these things conceptually, and we can think that patriarchy kind of sucks, but maybe we think there’s not a lot we can do about it.  After all, isn’t the man the one who really needs to change? Member Iris and I had had a conversation in the membership a couple of months before I was in Vancouver for the Parenting Beyond Power book tour, where she mentioned that she’d been thinking a lot about how patriarchy shows up in her life.  We made plans to get together to record an episode while I was in town – and here it is! Iris and I discuss:

• The power and control that men held over women and girls as she grew up in the Philippines, including casting out female family members with out-of-wedlock pregnancies, while nothing happened to the men who got them pregnant (and lest we think this couldn't possibly happen where we live, men have very real power over women's pregnancies in the United States as well right now too...)
• How she sees herself catering to her husband’s needs - adjusting her daily schedule to his; eating what he wanted for dinner even if she preferred something different; perceiving that he expects her to do more than half of the household, even though neither of them works for income;
• Patriarchal messages that are being passed on to her daughter about the value of marriage, children, and meeting men’s needs.

Even though she’s no longer in the Philippines, Iris still sees patriarchy in her relationship with her husband and daughter. She even sees how it hurts her husband, who is looked down upon in our culture because he doesn't present in a typically 'masculine' way. She shares the practices she’s using to pass on different messages to her daughter about a woman’s role in a family and in the world. But I don’t think we should only have these kinds of conversations with our daughters.  We should also talk with our boys about their feelings, and encourage them to fully experience their pain, hurt, and joy, and teach them that it’s OK to care about other people and not be an island that feels no pain and never cries. Enjoy this beautiful conversation with Iris.  

Parenting Beyond Power

Parenting is tough, but when we shift away from traditional power dynamics to collaboration, family life becomes smoother today. Conventional discipline methods may temporarily stop challenging behaviors, but they reinforce harmful lessons about power and control. Parenting Beyond Power offers a groundbreaking framework to understand and meet our children's needs, fostering respect and empathy. With sample scripts and practical resources, Parenting Beyond Power empowers you to transform your parenting journey. Get your copy now! Click the banner to learn more:  

Jump to Highlights

00:49 Introducing today’s guest and topic 06:30 Iris discusses the impact of patriarchy on her family, revealing how gender roles and expectations affected her parents' dynamics and sense of self-worth. 12:52 Iris discusses her family's emotional dynamics and the lasting impact of patriarchal double standards on her parenting approach. 17:51 Iris reflects on her teenage years, grappling with societal norms and confronting patriarchal expectations in her relationships. 22:35 Iris cuts her hair short in defiance of patriarchal norms, challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty and reclaiming her autonomy.  24:21 Iris reflects on societal pressures and gender roles within her marriage, highlighting the challenges of conforming to traditional expectations. 33:31 Iris encourages daughter Malaya's autonomy, challenges traditional gender roles, and fosters open communication within the family. 41:07 Women play a part in perpetuating patriarchal norms in families and should strive to empower daughters through shared decision-making and open dialogue. 44:29 Iris stresses the value of rest for herself, challenging the idea that productivity determines worth, especially under capitalism.   46:16 Iris reflects on the dynamics of waiting for male approval and envisions a future where her daughter confidently asserts herself.  49:19 Jen introduces three actionable steps for listeners to implement the ideas discussed in the episode.

  Sara has always tried really hard to not just be a good parent, but a really good parent. The best parent. (When I coached her and her partner recently to create some content for the Parenting Membership that you'll hear more about in a few weeks, her partner said to her: You hold everyone else to a high standard. You hold yourself to a higher standard.)   Sara put a lot of pressure on herself, and this was even harder because she she didn't have the most amazing parental role models. They often fought in front of Sara and her sibling (with insults and name calling a regular part of the mix), and they didn't repair afterward.   The difficult communication between parents extended to the children as well - Sara started to fight back when she was spanked, which escalated to physical fights as she got older. If she tried to talk with her Mom about previous incidents then her Mom would make out that she was the victim, while her Dad would whiz her down to Baskin Robbins for ice cream to win back her love. Sara withdrew, stopped sharing anything with her parents and isolated herself in her room - devouring books and the all the things on the early days of the internet.   So when she became a parent, it's not surprising she felt triggered! Conflict abounded! Conflict with her partner, and with her children - she knew how she WANTED to navigate it (in a way that modeled healthy conflict for her children), but how could she do that when she had no idea how?   We talk about conflict in this episode, and we also talk about needs. It turns out that Sara had needs (who knew!) and when she started to identify and meet them, the magic happened.   Spending time doing things for herself, to meet her need for creativity, created time to spend with her husband and children.   She realized she had been trying to do a lot of multitasking to try to fit everything in, but never spent time doing things she truly loved. Once she did, the background noise of that unmet need went quiet in her mind, and then she could actually enjoy spending time with her family.  

Taming Your Triggers

Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey, just like Sara did? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child's behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that's aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Join the waitlist to be notified when doors reopen in October 2024.  

Jump to Highlights

00:49 Introducing today’s topic and guest 02:27 Sara’s upbringing and family life 07:40 Sara's pandemic parenting insights 11:28 The challenges of striving for excellence as a parent, especially in trying circumstances 13:55 Sara's decision to join the Parenting Membership before exploring Taming Your Triggers   16:33 Sara's specific triggers that prompted her to recognize the need for support 20:20 Sara’s initial experiences and emotions as she embarked on Taming Your Triggers workshop 26:16 Why Sara chose to prioritize journaling, its impact, and the major shifts she experienced throughout the workshop 30:51 How Sara approached parenting with an audience  33:00 Discovering recurring needs during the workshop that Sara hadn't noticed before 35:06 Sara’s realization that prioritizing self-care actually creates more time in her busy schedule 36:32 What changes Sara has noticed regarding her triggers 39:19 Mild, medium, and spicy practices for parents 42:19 Wrapping up discussion    

  Last year I hosted a panel event in Vancouver where four people who have been active in helping us to navigate toward an anti-racist, post-patriarchal, post-capitalist future came together to share their ideas in front of a live audience.   It was a beautiful event (eventually we'll process the video of it to share with you!), and I really hit it off with Moms Against Racism Canada founder Kerry Cavers so we got together afterward to chat.   This is a much more personal episode than many. I actually didn't know it was going to be an episode beforehand - I thought we were going to record something that would be mostly for Kerry to use to explain her work to potential funders. But when I realized what gold we had, I decided to release the video as an episode.   I did realize that we were lacking in some specific take-home messages for listeners, so I asked whether Kerry would be willing to share some ideas for ways to take action on anti-racism with us. She has a lot going on at the moment so she wasn't able to record something for us, but she did put together a VERY comprehensive list of actions that I recorded at the end of the episode.   I've also created a PDF of her ideas that you can print and refer back to more easily - click the button below to download it.     Enjoy the conversation!  

Taming Your Triggers

Still struggling with how you respond to your child's behaviors? Join our Taming Your Triggers workshop.   We’ll help you to: ✅ Learn the real reasons why you feel triggered by your child's age-appropriate behavior ✅ Heal the hurts from the past and today that create your triggered feelings ✅ Develop skills to understand and meet your needs - AND your child's needs.  You stop feeling like you're failing them, and they stop doing the things that drive you up the wall.   By addressing our triggers, we contribute to a cultural shift towards justice and inclusion, fostering empathy and understanding within our families and society.   Join the waitlist to be notified when doors reopen in October 2024.  

Jump to Highlights

00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest 03:31 Kerry's insights into her role within Mom's Against Racism and discusses the organization's mission and initiatives 05:49 MAR’s origin and founding motivations 13:54 The various forms and manifestations of racism in Canadian society 18:50 How members of Moms Against Racism are guided in unlearning racism  24:49 Kerry reflects on her upbringing, sharing how her mother's personal challenges and disconnection from her cultural identity left a void in her understanding of her own heritage 28:00 Kerry’s thoughts on Parenting Beyond Power 31:14 Kerry talks about which tools from the book resonated with her and if she's been able to use them  43:02 Why Kerry agreed to join the Culture Talks Panel Event 47:22 Jen’s commitment to addressing issues like White privilege and patriarchy, striving to make a positive impact 50:38 Kerry’s Ideas for Anti-Racist Actions for Parents

  Listener Roberta submitted a question recently on YourParentingMojo.com/question:   What does the research say are the decisions that really matter in parenting?   That question immediately got my brain churning about what could be included, and how we would decide what to include, and how much of what's included could actually be research-based.   The episode begins with a look at some of the major categories of factors that impact our children's development that we may not have as much control over, because we have to acknowledge these before we can look at what we do impact.   Then I look at some of the things we do control but I think we can pretty safely stop worrying about them. The impact that each of these things has is likely to be so tiny as to individually meaningless.   Finally, I count down my list of the top 5 things that I think impact children's development.   This episode is for parents of children aged about 2 onwards. I think infants have some different needs, and I'm planning a separate episode on those later in the year.    

Taming Your Triggers

Embark on a journey of deep healing and understanding with the Taming Your Triggers Workshop. Uncover the real reasons behind your reactions to your child's behavior and parent from a space of calm and confidence. By addressing triggers, we're not just leveling up our lives today; we're contributing to a cultural shift, ensuring all children receive the message: "Yes, you are lovable just as you are!" Join the waitlist to be notified when doors reopen in October 2024.  

 

13 Reasons Your Child Doesn't Listen 

Does it seem like your child deliberately ignores you when they ‘don’t listen’? There’s actually way more to it than that! From being lost in their enchanting play to navigating daily challenges, discover the 13 reasons why your child doesn’t listen–and what to do about each one. Once you understand these reasons, you can connect with your child and support them, so they'll be more willing to collaborate with you. Click the banner to download the 13 Reasons Your Child Doesn't Listen cheat sheet now!  

 

Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits Workshop

Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up now to join the waitlist for the FREE workshop that will start on April 24, 2024. Click the banner to learn more:      

Other episodes/blogs referenced

014: Understanding the AAP’s new screen time guidelines 052: Grit: The unique factor in your child’s success? 061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype? 067: Does the Marshmallow Test tell us anything useful? 068: Do I HAVE to pretend play with my child? 148: Is spanking a child really so bad? 196: How to do right by your child – and everyone else’s with Dr. Elizabeth Cripps Why people claim that gentle parenting ‘doesn’t work’ https://www.parentifact.org/why-does-parenting-advice-seem-to-change-so-often/  

Jump to Highlights

00:54 Introducing the topic 01:09 Question from Listener Roberta 07:43 Socio-economic status affects a child's environment and parenting approaches 18:25 Jeannou's journey reveals the intricate link between upbringing and well-being 27:39 To understand what truly matters in parenting, we must consider both achievable outcomes and deeper definitions of success. 29:38 List of things that are not worth worrying about for children in their toddler years and beyond 33:06 The five things that really matter in parenting 48:21 Wrapping up the discussion  

References

Bradley, R.H., & Corwyn, R.F. (2002). Socioeconomic status and child development. Annual Review of Psychology 53, 371-99. Hoff, E., Laursen, B., & Tardif, T. (2019). Socioeconomic status and parenting. In: M. H. Bornstein (Ed.). Handbook of parenting Volume 2: Biology and ecology of parenting (p.421-447). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Myers, D.G. (2008). Will money buy happiness? In S. Lopez (2008), Positive psychology: Exploring the best in people (Vol. 4: Pursuing human flourishing). Westport, CT: Praeger. Polderman, T.J.C., Benyamin, B., de Leeuw, C.A., Sullivan, P.F., van Bochoven, A., Visscher, P.M., & Posthuma, D. (2015). Meta-analysis of the heritability of human traits based on fifty years of twin studies. Nature Genetics 47(7), 702. Ulferts, H. (2020). Why parenting matters for children in the 21st century: An evidence-based framework for understanding parenting and its impact on child development. Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development Education Working Paper No. 222. Retrieved from: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Hannah-Ulferts/publication/342082899_Why_parenting_matters_for_children_in_the_21st_century_An_evidence-based_framework_for_understanding_parenting_and_its_impact_on_child_development/links/5ee1eb5aa6fdcc73be702921/Why-parenting-matters-for-children-in-the-21st-century-An-evidence-based-framework-for-understanding-parenting-and-its-impact-on-child-development.pdf  

My mom died when I was 10, and for a while people in our small village would look at my sister and me as if we were 'special' in some weird way. By the time I was a young adult that was just one of a stew of difficult experiences I'd had, and I also realized: my stuff is not special.   By that age, most people are carrying around some kind of trauma.   But so what? Does it matter? If our mental health is good enough, does it help to wallow around in all the stuff that's in the past?   In this episode we talk with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, who has pioneered the connections between these kinds of Adverse Childhood Experiences and medical care for children, as well as Jackie Thu-Huong Wong, Executive Director of First 5 California.   We'll learn:

• What is an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE);
• How ACEs can influence not only our physical but our mental health as well;
• What we know about the protective effects of relationships with caring adults
• Dr. Burke Harris' opinions of the 'best' authoritative parenting style;
• A new feature in our episodes: mild, medium, and spicy options for parents who want to dip their toe into the water on this topic, or dive more deeply.

   

Taming Your Triggers

Still feeling uncertain about the impact of childhood experiences on your parenting journey? If you need more help, the Taming Your Triggers Workshop is here for you. Discover why you react strongly to your child's behavior, heal past hurts that trigger your feelings, and develop skills to understand and meet your needs-- AND your child's needs. Let's transform your parenting journey from frustration to confidence! Join the waitlist and we'll notify you as soon as we reopen.    

Episode mentioned

148: Is spanking a child really so bad?

 

Jump to Highlights

01:26 Introducing today’s topic and guests 04:20 Clarifying the concept of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and their origin 06:37 Discussing how Dr. Burke Harris’s research expanded the understanding of ACEs beyond family-focused indicators 10:05 Exploring the paradox of declining death rates and the ongoing prevalence of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs)  13:08 Highlighting the Stronger Starts campaign and the four key interventions (Four Be’s) 19:45 Limited resources pose overwhelming challenges for families, impacting decisions between staying in harmful situations and seeking help 22:39 Questioning the correlational nature of ACEs data 31:53 Addressing intergenerational trauma, the concern is raised for parents struggling with the transmission of intergenerational trauma 37:08 A listener, reflecting on childhood experiences and societal norms of good parenting, raises a question about Dr. Diana Baumrind's work  38:40 Emphasizing the Stronger Starts campaign's reliance on current research, evolving scientific understanding is paralleled with historical shifts (evident in changing perspectives on corporal punishment)  46:18 Wrapping up the discussion with three engagement options (mild, medium, spicy)   

Resources

The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma and Adversity – Dr. Nadine Burke Harris (affiliate link) First 5 California website – for parents NumberStory.org – for parents ACEsAware.org – for healthcare providers  

References

Anda, R.F., Porter, L.E., & Brown, D.W. (2020). Inside the Adverse Childhood Experience score: Strengths, limitations, and misapplications. American Journal of Preventive Medicine 59(2), 293-295. Baldwin, J.R., Caspi, A., Meehan, A.J., Ambler, A., Arseneault, L., Fisher, H.L., Harrington, H., Matthews, T., Odgers, C.L., Poulton, R. and Ramrakha, S. (2021). Population vs individual prediction of poor health from results of adverse childhood experiences screening. JAMA Pediatrics, 175(4), 385-393. Boparai, S.K.P., Au, V., Koita, K., Oh, D.L., Briner, S., Burke Harris, NB., & Bucci, M. (2018). Child Abuse & Neglect 81, 82-105. Briggs, E., Amaya-Jackson, L., Putnam, K.T., & Putnam, F.W. (2021). All adverse childhood experiences are not equal: The contribution of synergy to Adverse Childhood Experience scores. American Psychologist 76(2), 243. Burke Harris, N. (2018). The deepest well: Healing the long-term effects of childhood adversity. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. [Note: the book was republished also in 2018 under the title: Toxic childhood stress: The legacy of early trauma and how to heal.] Camacho, S., & Henderson, S.C. (2022). The social determinants of Adverse Childhood Experiences: An intersectional analysis of place, access to resources, and compounding effects. Carlson, S., Borrell, L.N., Eng, C., Nguyen, M., Thyne, S., LeNoir, M.A., Burke-Harris, N., Burchard, E.G., & Thakur, N. (2017). Self-reported racial/ethnic discrimination and bronchodilator response in African American youth with asthma. PLoS ONE 12(6), e0179091. Felitti, V.J., Anda, R.F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D.F., Spitz, A.M., Edwards, V., Koss, M.P., & Marks, J.S. (1998). Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine 14(4), 245-258. Finkelhor, D., Shattuck, A., Turner, H., & Hamby, S. (2013). Improving the Adverse Childhood Experiences study scale. JAMA Pediatrics 167(1), 70-75. Gilgoff, R., Singh, L., Koita, K., Gentile, B., & Marques, S. S. (2020). Adverse Childhood Experiences, outcomes, and interventions. Pediatric Clinics of North America 67, 259-273. Gross, S.M. (2020). Screening for Adverse Childhood Experiences in pediatric primary care. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, College Park, MD: University of Maryland. Retrieved from: https://archive.hshsl.umaryland.edu/bitstream/handle/10713/12951/Gross_AdverseChildhoodExperiences_2020.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y Koita, K., Long, D., Hessler, D., Benson, M., Daley, K., Bucci, M., Thakur, N., & Burke Harris, N. (2018). Development and implementation of a pediatric adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and other determinants of health questionnaire in the pediatric medical home: A pilot study. PLoS ONE 12(12): e0208088. Lacey, R.E., & Minnis, H. (2020). Practitioner review: Twenty years of research with Adverse Childhood Experience scores – advantages, disadvantages and applications to practice. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 61(2), 116-130. Long, D., Hessler, D., Koita, K., Bucci, M., Benson, M., Gilgoff, R., Thakur, N., & Burke Harris, N. (2022). Screening for Adverse Childhood Experiences in pediatrics: A randomized trial of aggregate-level versus item-level response screening formats. PLoS ONE 17(12), e0273491. Miller, T.R., Waehrer, G.M., Oh, D.L., Bopari, S.P., Walker, S.O., Marques, S.S., & Burke Harris, N. (2020). Adult health burden and costs in California during 2013 associated with prior adverse childhood experiences. PLoS ONE 15(1), e0228019. Narayan, A.J., Lieberman, A.F., & Masten, A.S. (2021). Intergenerational transmission and prevention of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). Clinical Psychology Review 85, 101997. Nelson, C.A., Bhutta, Z.A., Burke Harris, N., Danese, A., & Samara, M. (2020). Adversity in childhood is linked to mental and physical health throughout life. BMJ 371, 3048. Oh, D.L., Jerman, P., Boparai, S.K.P., Koita, K., Briner, S., Bucci, M., & Burke Harris, N. (2018). Review of tools for measuring exposure to adversity in children and adolescents. Journal of Pediatric Health Care 32(6), 564-583. Oh, D.L., Jerman, P., Marques, S.S., Koita, K., Boparai, S.K.P., Burke Harris, N., & Bucci, M. (2018). Systematic review of pediatric health outcomes associated with childhood adversity. BMC Pediatrics 18:83. Renschler, T.S., Lieberman, A.F., Hernandez Dimmler, M., & Burke Harris, N. (2013). Trauma-focused child-parent psychotherapy in a community pediatric clinic: A cross-disciplinary collaboration. In: J.E. Bettmann & D.D. Friedman (Eds.), Attachment-Based Clinical Work with Children and Adolescents (p.115-140). New York: Springer. Thakur, N., Hessler, D., Koita, K., Ye, M., Benson, M., Gilgoff, R., Bucci, M., Long, D., & Burke Harris, N. (2020). Pediatric Adverse Childhood Experiences and related life events screener (PEARLS) and health in a safety-net practice. Child Abuse & Neglect 108: 104685. Waehrer, G.M., Miller, T.R., Marques, S.C.S., Oh, D.L., & Burke Harris, N. (2020). Disease burden of Adverse Childhood Experiences across 14 states. PLoS ONE 15(1), e0226134.