It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than in a mansion with a quarrelsome wife.  Proverbs 25:24

All of us do things that annoy our spouse.  Occasionally, we do things that hurt our spouse and vice versa.  How do we communicate about these situations?  Is it effective to tell them what they have done wrong?  Is that what the scriptures tell us to do?  In this episode, we discuss what it means to take “extreme ownership” of our own actions and emotions before trying to “fix” your spouse.  We believe that the key to a strong marriage is finding how you can support each other on the road to heaven - and that means having the humility to see your own weaknesses first and embracing them.  Once you have sought forgiveness and healed the relationship, then a conversation about how things could have gone differently can be more productive.  Listen in to hear how you can move more intentionally towards unity through communication and forgiveness. 

• Couples need to take the principles of “gentle parenting” and apply them to each other!  Skills like expressing empathy, giving guidance, and articulating feelings are all needed in marriage. 

• When you correct someone, you put yourself above them. This is appropriate in a parent/child relationship, or even a boss/employee relationship, but really not in marriage where you have two equals.

• We can help our spouses to be self-reflective about situations by asking questions that can help them think about what they wanted the outcome to be and what actually happened. 

• What can I do better to help you in areas that you want to grow in?  

• Who is challenging me?  Who do I look to as an example, as a mentor to progress in holiness? 

• How can my spouse help me?

“You can learn many things from toddlers! For example, how much patience you actually have.” 

-Anonymous

One blessing of having ten kids is that we have matured and learned enough about kids to appreciate the toddler years of children #9 and 10 much more than those years with children #1 and 2. Our advice to parents of toddlers is to start by enjoying them! It’s hard to do when they are destroying your house and embarrassing you in public, but with a few strategies and consistency on your part, you can begin to see that this little bundle of creative energy has been amazingly designed by the Divine Creator. It’s all part of His plan to get this child to adulthood and independence, and to get you to heaven!

• All children need to be delighted in, but especially the young child!  Take time to relax and enjoy them.  

• Toddlers challenge us to begin saying “yes” to them and their needs and “no” to our own desires.  This is the great vocation of parenting! 

• Giving choices is good, but don’t burden them by giving them too many choices. 

• When they are having a tantrum, the question you should ask yourself is “what is the need here?”  and then choose to respond NOT react.  Through your calmness you are teaching them that you are in charge and they are not.

• Routine and stability are key!  When they have a natural flow to their day that is predictable they can tend to be more peaceful. 

• What are our natural responses to our toddlers?  What do we think about that? 

• What are our toddlers emotional outbursts like?  What triggers them?  How can we respond? 

• What is our normal routine for our children?   Is this working for them?  

• What do we do with our toddlers at mass?  Is this is a good plan?

Notes:

• The Absorbent Mind (Montessori book)
• Articles on toddlers from Focus on the Family (Christian website)

Welcome His Heart:  https://welcomehisheart.com/

MFP 165: Forgiveness Brings Freedom and Transformation

Videos - Evangelizing Your Kids and Forgiveness in the Family https://messyfamilyproject.org/course/pizza-and-parenting/watch/

• Parents must be very intentional about evangelizing their children and bringing them into a relationship with Christ.

• Marriage is a sacrament of service to the world.  Our marriages are not just for us, they are an office of service. 

• Every mother and father is to act as “priests of the home” and take up the spiritual authority God has given them for the sake of their children. 

• Forgiveness is key to restoring relationships that have been broken and can teach children powerful lessons on relationships. 

• In order to transform your family you will need to start with these three things - create habits to support your goals, make Jesus the king of your home, and build community to support your family. 

• How are we leading together in the home?  Have we taken up that call to spiritual leadership? 

• What is my understanding of forgiveness?  How can we live this out better within our home and our relationships? 

• How is our marriage serving others?  How are we giving from the well of our sacrament? 

• What are 2 resolutions that we can make today to start living a transformed family life?

“You and your spouse are a team that GOD wants together!” - Art and LaraineBennett

The first step in creating a dynamic family is to know the people who are in it!  That starts with knowing yourself, then your spouse, and then your children.  One of the tools that we love using for this knowledge is the classic four temperaments - choleric, sanguine, melancholic, and phlegmatic. The leading Catholic authors on the temperaments are Art and Laraine Bennett, authors of the book The Temperament God Gave You and many other great resources!  In this conversation we pepper them with questions about what the temperaments are, why knowing the temperaments are important, and how they can change your parenting. This podcast is FULL of great tips and resources of parents of any age.  Listen in!

• Temperaments are only ONE aspect of our personality.  Many things make each one of us unique. 

• Temperaments are part of the wisdom of the ancients, but they also have been extensively studied in modern psychology

• Your temperament is the way you REACT.  Knowing our temperament helps us to learn how to RESPOND to others in love.  

• As a parent, knowing our children’s temperaments helps because we can teach them how to mature by focusing on their strengths and helping them process their weaknesses. 

• When we react we will fly, fight, or freeze.  Learning the “art of the pause” will help us respond in love and get out of “reaction mode”.   

• You and your spouse can help each other by knowing your gifts and giving each other alternatives to handling difficult situations.

• Take the quiz at https://temperamentquiz.com and link your account with your spouse.  

• Observe your children this week.  During a date night, talk about the temperament of each child and how you can encourage their strengths. 

• What are our gifts as a couple?  How can we better use them for the good of our children?

Your authority in the family does not come from perfection, it comes as a grace from your parenthood.

There are two kinds of families - those that are frantic and those that are fruitful.  As Catholics we have an incredible grace to be fruitful families, but often our families don’t look much different than the secular, frantic families around us!  How can we live family life differently? There are so many different parenting philosophies out there.  Which ones should Catholics follow?  In this podcast, we give an overview of The Catholic Parenting Course - a guide for parents who want to have a roadmap for raising their families to be in the world, but not of the world.  The two parts of this podcast are how to parent like God the Father and then the secret weapon of the Catholic family (our regular listeners can guess what that is!).   Listen in! 

Book:  Abba’s Heart

Podcast:  MFP096 and 097, Elements of a Family Culture and Building a Family Culture

• To parent like God the Father, we need to start by conforming our hearts to His.

• Unity within your marriage needs to flow out and encompass everyone, all of your children giving them purpose and belonging.

• More than anything else, our children need us to delight in them. 

• Forming the hearts of our children is our sacred task.  Our goal should be to hand over the locus of control from us as parents to them.

• When lived intentionally, the culture within your home can be a powerful weapon against secular forces arrayed against us. 

• Do we see our Heavenly Father as delighting in us?  Why or why not? 

• On a continuum from isolation to oneness, where are we now?  How unified are we in our home? 

• What does it mean to delight in our children?  What does that look like for each of us, realizing that we will do this differently? 

• What are the values that our family culture is communicating to our children?

Summary:

In this episode, we explore several listener's questions about how to manage friendships when personal values differ, particularly in situations where children are involved. Mike and Alicia are joined by their daughter, Katie to dive into the challenge of maintaining friendships with those whose lifestyle choices may conflict with Catholic teaching, while still modeling love and compassion for others. The conversation focuses on how to love the person, hold true to your beliefs, and balance protecting your family’s moral development. 

Couple Discussion Questions:

How can you love friends or family members who hold values different from your own while protecting your children’s development?

How do you explain complex adult relationships to your children in a way that aligns with your values?

What boundaries do you set when it comes to relationships that conflict with your beliefs? 

Resources:

For more information on this and other topics visit: https://www.messyfamilyproject.org/

Beauty resets our compass.  It reminds us of who we are and what we are made for. ~ Andrew Peterson

Our children will grow no matter what, but how they grow and what they learn is heavily dependent on their environment.  Parents can shape the world of their children to include beauty, freedom of artistic expression, and space to wonder.  In this podcast, we talk to Andrew Peterson, singer, songwriter, author, father and now grandfather.  Over the last 25 years, Andrew has used his creative talents in the world of music and fantasy books for kids. He has done this out of the firm belief in the power of art to commuicate eternal truths and draw people into relationship with God.  Our family has been blessed by his work over the past 25 years and we hope that all our families will be too! 

• Parents need to shape the world to be beautiful for their children.  Beauty evangelizes even to the very young child. Art, in all its expressions, is essential to life. 

• Beauty resets the compass.  It reminds us of who we are and what we are made for. It awakens within us the desire for the Kingdom - God’s Kingdom here on earth and in heaven.  

• Delight in your children.  They need to know that they are wonderfully made and they learn that by how we respond to them. 

• Sin is when I forget who I am.  Our kids need to be solid in their identity as a child of God and so do we! 

• We need to learn to desire things in the right order.  Sin happens when we live a life of disorder.  As parents we can help order the lives of our children in the right way. 

• How does our family experience art (music, literature, movies) in our home?  What do these things communicate to our children? 

• Do we delight in our children?  How can we do this more? 

• What are we doing in our home to help our children “desire things in the right order?”  How can we shape the environment in our home to do this?  

• God in the Garden

• Wingfeather Series (books)

• Wingfearther series (series on Angel studios)

• Andrew-peterson.com

• Music list on spotify

“21% of teens said their #1 concern was not having enough time with their parents. Only 8% of parents said their #1 concern was not having enough time with their kids.” ― Meg Meeker

After 13 years of marriage we had six children and were pretty confident in our parenting. But when our oldest daughter became a teenager, we felt like we needed to learn how to parent all over again!  This sweet 12 year old seemed to begin changing before our eyes and we had to pivot pretty quickly to learn what it was that she needed and what our new role was as parents.  The teen years do not need to be horrible.  In contrast, it should be the flowering of all the parenting you have done and an exciting time for you and your child!  The question for parents is how do I learn how to love my child during this turbulent time of change from being a child to being an adult.  In this episode, we give you some principles to remember and some practical things you can do to REALLY love your teenager.  

• If you want your teen to grow in virtue and maturity, you must give them freedom.   Parents of teens move from being a protector to being a coach.  

• For teens who are forming their identity in relation to the world, their interests are equal with who they are.  So if you learn more about their music, games, friends, and trends, they will receive the message that you like them, not just love them. 

• Teens need to be encouraged to take appropriate risks. Failure is a part of learning.  They won’t succeed at everything they do and that is OK.  This is the best time for them to learn these lessons.  

• Invite them into spiritual adulthood.  Give them the opportunity to make the faith their own.  

• Looking back on your teen years, do you love your “teen self”?  How can you grow in this? 

• List the names of your tweens and teens.  What do you love about them? Share with your spouse and add to the list together. 

• What are your concerns about your teens?  Does your spouse have the same concerns?  Why or why not? 

• In what areas are you giving too much freedom?  Where can you help your teen grow in independence?

• The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

IGen by Jean Twenge

Happiness is determined by our expectations…. If our expectations are modest… we will be happy; if our expectations are unrealistic, we end up disappointed. ~Bishop Anthony Taylor, Diocese of Little Rock

All of us come into our vocations with expectations.  We have dreams and plans, but expectations are more like assumptions.  We have our own experience and we expect that things will go a certain way.  The problem is, we can’t always articulate these expectations or even realize that we have them until they are unfulfilled and this can cause conflict with our spouses.  In this episode, we talk about the relationship between expectations and happiness, how to articulate our expectations, and how to have realistic expectations of our marriage as you grow.  We also share on a personal level what our expectations were and how we handled things when we were newly married compared to how we are today.  This podcast is really one that you want to discuss with your spouse to help you both learn how to communicate better and forge greater unity.  

• Happiness is determined by our expectations and our ability to notice and rejoice in little things. If our expectations are modest, life will usually exceed our expectations and we will be happy; if our expectations are unrealistic, we end up disappointed.

• Many young couples have unrealistic expections of their spouse.  They expect their spouse to do what only God can do: To meet all their needs for security, support and closeness.

• Don’t lower your standards, just make them more realistic and realize you need to grow in your communication skills to have a strong marriage. 

• No matter if your expectations are fulfilled or now, always choose gratitude.  There is always something to be thankful for and recognizing that is the key to happiness.  

• What were my expectations coming into our marriage?  

• Which of these were fulfilled?  Which has led to disappointment? 

• What am I grateful for?  

Article on Expectations and Happiness

The body is not meaningless, but meaningful - Jason Evert

Join us for this insightful conversation with Jason Evert, speaker and author.  Jason has spoken all over the world and has created numerous resources for preteens and teens to dive deep into what it means to be free to love.  Often parents feel under-equipped to talk about sex and chastity, but it is within the home that these lessons need to be learned and it is where they are taught most effectively.  The first step is to communicate to your children how much you delight in them.  Then we can speak to their hearts the truth of who they are.  After that, we can teach them that by embracing the virtue of chastity we can truly be free to love others with a love like God’s.  Jason’s new series for preteens, Envision, can be found at Ascension Press.

• We can’t just tell our kids what NOT to do, but we must communicate that chastity gives them freedom.  Chastity gives them the freedom to love. 

• Knowing the theology of our bodies answers the question, “Who am I and how should I live?” 

• The world tells our kids that their bodies are meaningless, but in reality, they are meaningful.  What we do with our bodies matters.  

• Rules without relationships breed rebellion.  Most of our kids know we love them, but do they believe we like them?  That we like being with them?  That is the foundation that needs to be laid to form them. 

• How are we communicating to our kids now that what they do with their bodies matters?  

• What are some ways we can show our kids not just that we LOVE them but that we LIKE them too?  

• Do we understand the importance of Theology of the Body?  Is this something we need to look into more?  

• The Chastity Project - https://chastity.com

• Envision - TOB for Middle Schoolers

• Women Wonderfully Made Webinar

• Family Culture and the Temperaments: Messy Family Date Night with Art and Laraine Bennett 

"Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit" Proverbs 25:28

Summary: 

Have you ever had a child melt down because they didn’t get what they wanted? How do we respond to emotional outbursts in our children? Self-control is an underappreciated virtue in our modern culture, but ironically, it is the one skill we can teach our children that can help them achieve great success.  Instead of embracing the maxim of today, “Just do it!” we should be echoing the slogan of the 80’s anti-drug campaign, "Just say no!”.  Our children need to learn from a young age that they CAN be in charge of how they react to their emotions, but they need your guidance and help to do this. In this podcast, we give some tips and tricks on how to speak to your child and put them in the driver’s seat of life.

Key Takeaways:

• Emotional outbursts are a sign of immaturity.  As they grow and as you teach them they will learn.  But if you don’t get this under control when they are young you will be sorry

• Self control is an unappreciated virtue.  Lack of self control is lauded in our culture “Just do it!” as opposed to “Just say no!”

• Important to train your child early!! Their brain can change more than any other time in their lives. Often we focus more on training in athletics or academics than virtue, but virtue is where they will find success in life.

• When they are emotional, teach your children how to activate the logical part of their brain.  As parents of young children, we help them regulate their emotions so they can learn how to do it themselves.  

• Give them space to make a choice.  The more they do it, the stronger and better they will be at it

Couple Discussion Questions: 

• How would we define self control?  Why is it important

• How do we respond to our children when they lose control?  What do we think about this?  

• What are some good strategies we can use for our children specifically?