Recently I had the honor of meeting with Dr. Jess for her podcast, Sex with Dr. Jess and we spoke about sexual compatibility. I don’t think it’s much of a secret that I think folk use the idea of being sexually compatible as a cop out. 

What I mean is that we often work hard as hell to NOT try but then blame everything on sexual compatibility. We will say there is no chemistry, that we feel off, and have really done no work. Now, you know that I am a whole assed sex and relationship therapist so ima give you a short run down on the tea spilt in that conversation with Dr. Jess.

There are levels to this

When we talk about compatibility people act like it’s a binary, which makes sense given that we think of most things as being black or white with no room for shades or gray. We are taught that things should and do fit into neat little packages so we often miss the nuance in the very things we are hoping to explore.

When it comes to relationships, there are levels to this shit. Meaning that compatibility also had levels to it. You can be compatible and in sync  with regard to linking each other, how you spend time together, love languages, and how you both like sex. And you can also find that you are sexually discordant– a fancy way to say that one of you likes and desires sex more than the other. 

When this happens people often are approaching a partner as if they or the partner is broken or wrong for wanting what they want. But I think of sexual desires like I would any other appetite. If you wanted cake and they didn’t while you might joke that they are weird, you wouldn't hold it against them that they don’t want any. Sex works similarly. How often we desire sex (and what kind of sex we desire) can change from day to day and moment to moment. 

Alternatively speaking

After coming to grips with the whole “not broken” part of it all, you then get to choose what to do about it all. There are several options, some which may look better than others.

1. You can create a list of sexual activities that would be satisfying and in those moments when you are not on the same page, you can look to see if any of them would serve as a great sexy alternative to meeting needs without violating boundaries.

2. You can both further explore what is hitting on your sexual gas versus the sexual brakes and see if working out some of those things may help being you onto the same sexual page

3. You can explore other relationship types that allow for needs to be met while maintaining your romantic connection. Meaning maybe take a look at ethical non-monogamy. I know we are also very heavily indoctrinated into monogamy, but reimagining your relationship and considering how needs can be met, can also be hella helpful. It could also take the pressure off to perform and meet every need that your partner has. You can look at opening up romantically and having various partners, or opening up sexually only and exploring swinging etc to better meet a physical desire. 

The point is this, we are not always sexually on the same page and it doesn't mean that we are broken. It also doesn’t mean its automatically time to jump ship and move on to someone else. Sometimes we need to so some extra work to explore where we are, and create workable solutions. Otherwise, you can refer to what I said at the start: you are using compatibility as a cop out to not have to work. 

Feel  free to check out the episode with Dr. Jess HERE

TL; DR: anxiety can happen a lot at night because of the last thing you ate, the last thing you watched, or that stuff that never got figured out in the day because now your brain is quiet. Manage that nighttime anxiety by managing what you eat, see, and by creating a routine that gives you great rest!

Have you ever been feeling “some kind of way” and it felt like a combination of panic, fear, and uneasiness? Then you feel like you can’t breathe properly, there is pressure on your chest, and you are almost gasping for breath? You might also notice your heart beating right out of your chest, you’re wearing your shoulders like earrings, and every muscle in your body feels hella tense. You might even notice feeling a little dizzy, like you’ve been spinning in circles. And way? All this because because you had thought of something that you can’t get out of your head. This is what anxiety looks – or feels – like. 

As an emotion, anxiety is normal. In fact, according to WebMD1, anxiety is the brain’s way of showing you that there is stress and potential danger ahead. So, basically, you feel anxious because your brain is trying to prepare or protect you from danger. The thing is it’s hardwired to protect you against bears (and shit), but we could be panicking about paperwork. The brain doesn’t know you are not in danger, it thinks you need help and BAY-BEEEE It will provide!

Anybody can feel anxious at any time. For instance, when you have an upcoming job interview, or you’re going to meet someone that you either like or dislike, or you’ve read something that reminds you of a time where you were anxious in the past. However, when anxiety becomes the major flavor in your life and it feels like it is taking over your life, this is a whole problem and you might benefit from getting a therapist to help you cope.

While anxiety occurs anytime, it often happens at night. In fact, Cleveland Clinic labels a specific category for this type as sleep anxiety. Anxiety at night is challenging because the inability to sleep is a symptom of anxiety (which can makes things worse), and when you are anxious, sleeping gets even more difficult. So sleeping and anxiety affect each other and could make everything feel worse.

Common Reasons Why Anxiety Happens at Night

When we know better, we can do better. This is our “know better” moment. It’s hella important to understand triggers for anxiety, especially why they can occur at nighttime. Knowing why can help you figure out how you can create coping skills that prevent the anxiety funk. So here are the common reasons that anxiety occurs at night. 

1.Not getting enough rest all week

You could get preoccupied with all your responsibilities for the whole week. Black women are often seen as strong, independent, and full of energy and we are capable of doing everything at once. While this seems like a compliment , this should also serve as our reminder that we also need some rest just like everybody else. So if you get carried away by this notion of the expectations of how productive a Black woman should be, then you could be setting yourself up not to get enough rest.

2. Watching things late at night that triggers you

Anxiety doesn’t just happen in a snap of a finger, y’all. There is a trigger to these feelings. You see something or hear something and then, there it goes, the palpitation, uneasiness, and fast heartbeats. So whether it’s a TV show or anything you’ve scrolled by on social media, especially when you see it before bedtime, your mind can latch on to it and it can be a trigger that gives you that night time anxiety.

3. Your diet. 

What you eat can also cause you to have uncomfortable feelings at night. While this is more a physical rather than mental factor, not getting good enough sleep can definitely lead to troublesome anxiety that could impact your mental health. 

Manage Anxiety at Night in 3 Ways

Once you realize what started your anxiety, you’re already halfway to having it addressed. Here are three ways that you can manage your night time anxiety.

1.Create a schedule that can help you rest. 

The ideal recommendation for a really fulfilling and healthy kind of rest and sleep is six to eight hours straight. However, your schedule may not be conducive or realistic for this. If that is the case, try to insert naps and rest within your day. For example, you can squeeze in a 15-minute nap during your lunch break or look into one of the other 7 types of rest.

2. Monitor what you’re watching.

Triggers can come from anywhere, but at night, when you’re comfortable at home and simply letting time pass by, these triggers enter into what you’re watching. Whether this is from the TV or phone, you have to be extra aware of these triggers. It could also help to set a specific time of the day to check on these devices so you couldn’t open these at night when you most need to take your rest.

3. Monitor your diet. 

Be mindful of the things that you put in your mouth. Take extra care of even the minor ingredients especially if you have allergic reactions or anything of that type because anything that could disrupt your sleep could worsen your sleeping pattern. 

What else can you do?

These are simple and easy tips you can do to manage your anxiety. However, when your anxiety escalates beyond what you can do by yourself, get help! Consult with a therapist who can aid you on how to treat anxiety. You can see one of our therapists or check out the Therapy For Black Girls Directory.

You are the one who knows you the best. So take proactive care of yourself. Remember that taking care of your body will affect your mental health, and taking care of your mind will likewise improve your overall well-being.

Source:

1. https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/anxiety-disorders

2. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/21543-sleep-anxiety

Photo by Nicole Berro

There are numerous articles and lists available that teaches introverts how to become more extroverted. They want introverts to speak more, be more confident, show up and show out. But what about the other way around? 

 There are not nearly as many articles that teach folk about the benefits and the how on being introverted. Why? 

 That’s because of the misconception that introverts are shy, soft-spoken, easily anxious, and awkward folks. But more than that, we see introverted traits as being less than and something about ourselves to hide. Truth is— there’s more to that “silence” an introvert brings than just being socially awkward. Being silent misleads people into thinking that introverts have low self-esteem.

It might be a surprise but the term “introvert” itself came from the Latin word “intro” which means “inward” and “vertre” means “turning”. The term “introvert” itself describes a kind of people who are more reserved and look inward rather than accepting what’s seen on the surface. 

The reason why introverts love being alone is that they can energize independently and don’t rely on other people to be energetically influenced. They tend to think before they speak and prefer deep conversations rather than “small talk”. 

With that being said, they’re nice folks to hang out with. They give introspective conclusions, listen well, and better know what they want and what they need. And the skills that an introvert has can be useful to extroverts, too. So here are 3 ways to be a bit more introverted!

 How To be An Introvert!

#1. Sit down and think

Sit down and think about what it is that you want to say and why you want to say it. Introverted, or extroverted, we all need some time to hit pause- sit down and think. It might sound counterproductive, but pausing and sitting down to think helps us grasp more about what’s happening around us, our emotions, and our feelings.

With the constant distraction of hustling, or always pushing ourselves to be always on the go, hustling and grinding, we set aside ourselves in the process. We don’t even give time to think and ask ourselves about what we need and want. Having some quiet time and being alone will help us check on ourselves inwardly. We get to finally think about what we need and want.

It will strengthen your self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-confidence. It’s all about finding yourself and trusting who you are. Look at how beautiful you are without the constant influence of other people! You should be proud of who you are inside and outside. If you’ve decided to finally have some quiet time alone, you can learn more about self-esteem here!

#2. Observe

Observing ain’t much more than “Read The Room.” And let’s be real, some of us need a little more help in this area. Observe what is going on around you. Note how people seem to be feeling, what they might be thinking, and generally note how they're interacting or not interacting with the people around you. Taking time to observe the people around you improves your awareness. It makes you more aware of yourself and it will help you be more introspective in the way you interact or approach other people. 

If your world is in turmoil and you are constantly caught up in chasing time, observing will help you ease up and calm down. Try and disconnect for a while from all the jazz and busyness, and just take time to stroll around. Observe the beauty of the surroundings, and the smiles of the people walking with you on the street. You can take a break and observe while buying your favorite coffee down the street. Being in the moment and feeling in the moment helps us to be more appreciative and thankful. 

Not only does this improve your social interactions, but it also improves you inwardly. The more you observe, the more you become mindful to distractions. It teaches your brain to concentrate and take control. And there’s self-confidence in knowing that there’s more that’s in your control. 

#3. Mind your business.

Minding your own business means literally minding what’s within your business, not to mention, it’s great for your mental health! Part of your business is yourself, the things you care about, and the people you love.

Minding your own business is the reason why introverts love deep conversations. And why in a conversation do they prefer to listen more than talk. It’s a good practice to take time and digest what you’re friends, family, or the person you love is talking about. Noticing those details in their story helps you become a better friend, family, or partner to them. 

Being in your own mind to care about the people in your circle, and yourself will eliminate the distractions life throws at us.

Try and think about your business, feel your business, and consider your business to cultivate deeper connections with your friends, your small group of friends who you say you love. It doesn’t do any harm to learn from the introverts and move beyond the “small talk” into the deeper unexplored areas of who they are and who you are.

Final thoughts

 Society trends have made being an introvert synonymous with being quiet, soft-spoken, socially apprehensive, and awkward in social circumstances. Just because a person is quiet doesn’t mean they’re shy. There is a distinction to be made between introversion, social anxiety, and shyness.

The truth is— introverted folk prefer to examine themselves within. They are concerned with what is going on inside them, and they monitor and understand other people. They let others be themselves and do their thing because they realize this. That’s how introverted people think before they speak. 

Being an introvert is as good as being an extrovert and does NOT require them to change who they are to make others more comfortable.

They're probably more introverted people around you than you know. And they might be noticing things about you and the other people around us that we don’t usually notice.

Introverts make up from ⅓ to ½ of the world’s population. So, whenever you meet one that is kind of quiet and reserved—- don’t jump to conclusions and assume that they’re shy or they “need fixing.” Not all introverts are the same. Learning about the misconceptions and some of their good qualities can help improve our understanding of people who are different from us. 

So, I don’t know why anyone would want the introvert to be anything other than what they are, if you truly value people for who they are and how they show up.

While most Black folk are looking forward to celebrating “Juneteenth” on June 19, I’d like to use this time to draw attention to highlight a more serious issue; particularly mental health issues and the racial trauma experienced by many Black folks. 

Why am I doing this? You might think, “Oh, you’re being such a buzzkill,” or “Let’s just celebrate the happy occasion,” – and I will! I’m actually stoked about Juneteenth – but I’d also like to talk about certain things that don’t always get the spotlight. 

Yes, Juneteenth was truly a momentous win for us Black folk, but sadly, we’re still plagued by ethnic discrimination, racial bias, racism, and hate crimes up to this day; it’s a sad reality that many of us still face. 

This is why I’d like to talk more about Juneteenth, as well as racial trauma – along with useful resources that provide support to Black and African American individuals. So, let’s dive in! 

About Juneteenth

So, you know that Juneteenth is an important day for Black folk, but do you truly know what happened on that day? Here’s a snippet of a proclamation that was made on June 19:

“The people of Texas are informed that, in accordance with a proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves an absolute equality of personal rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and hired labor. The freedmen are advised to remain quietly at their present homes and work for wages. They are informed that they will not be allowed to collect at military posts and that they will not be supported in idleness either there or elsewhere.” — General Orders, Number 3; Headquarters District of Texas, Galveston, June 19, 1865

It was a truly historical day – federal troops arrived in Galveston, Texas in 1865, took control of the state, and guaranteed that all enslaved people were freed. The troops’ arrival came a full two and a half years after the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation!

This day was truly monumental as it marked the end of slavery in the US….well, more like the slavery of the time, since we all know that prisons and the “justice” system took it’s place. But I digress.

Also, did you know that it’s considered the longest-running African American holiday? In 1979, Texas officially became the first state to make Juneteenth an official holiday. Over the years, several other states followed suit. It officially became a federal holiday on June 17, 2021, when President Biden signed it into law. 

Juneteenth is a significant event in American history and shows us that freedom and racial equality have always been a hard-fought battle for Black folks – a battle that sadly continues to this day.

Dealing with Racial Trauma

There are so many ways you can observe and celebrate Juneteenth, from educating yourself to supporting Black businesses (like AnnodRight), to using your voice to spread the love. You can also take time to learn more about prominent Black figures in American history and share stories of Black folks you admire. Especially since wyt folk have spent so much time working to erase the history.

Personally, I’d like to take this time to draw attention to the fact that we are still facing an uphill battle to this day. While I can’t deny that there have been significant improvements, Black folks are still dealing with discrimination, racism, and hate crimes that result in more racial trauma. 

What is racial trauma? Also known as Race-Based Traumatic Stress (RBTS), racial trauma is defined by Mental Health America as “mental and emotional injury caused by encounters with racial bias and ethnic discrimination, racism, and hate crimes”. 

While there have been many great strides in terms of acceptance, many Black folks still face discrimination to this day–especially the darker and more kinky hair’d you are. 

Discrimination can be a very traumatic experience. It can cause similar symptoms to PTSD, as well as anxiety and depression. Exposure to discrimination, either indirectly or directly, can trigger racial trauma. 

Symptoms. So, how do you know you’re experiencing racial trauma? Many people with racial trauma experience PTSD symptoms, especially after direct experiences of discrimination or hate crimes. 

Symptoms may include: 

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Hypervigilance 

• Avoidance Behaviors

• Loss of Appetite 

• Sleeping Problems

• Nightmares or Flashbacks

• Increased Substance Use

Coping with racial trauma. Now, how do you deal with racial trauma? You might be asking, “Is it even possible to recover from such hate that’s being directed at me?” 

It may be difficult to imagine right now, but let me tell you: It IS possible. But, I do have to say that it won’t be easy; it’ll take a lot of time, effort, and patience, especially since it keeps coming at us, directly and indirectly, but you have to know that healing is possible. 

So, how do you do it? First and foremost, self-care is key. Racial trauma can affect  your physical, sexual, and mental health, so prioritize self-care, eat regularly, get enough rest, throw in some body movement, and prioritize pleasure.. 

Aside from self-care, here are some other ways you can cope with racial trauma: 

• Being seen and heard is crucial to healing. If you’re looking for someone to talk to – someone who you can engage in racially conscious conversations with and who can help you process your emotions and thoughts, I invite you to join “In My Black Feelings” sessions. Weekly meetings are starting and you can join by clicking here. As you join us, you’ll be able to meet other Black folks who’ll truly understand what you’re going through – you can share your story or simply listen to others. This is a safe place where you can just be. 

• Explore opportunities for activism. For some people, connecting with other Black folks in community – and engaging in different forms of activism – can be a very healing experience. 

• Engage in mindfulness, prayer, spiritual practices, and the use of positive mantras. There are some great ones on the Therapy For Black Girls website

• Learn to recognize the symptoms of racial trauma (such as those mentioned above). Then, identify ways to cope with these symptoms. Keeping a list of 10 or more go-to coping skills on your phone is a great way to make sure you are never caught slippin’. More than anything it means that you won’t have to figure some out when you need it. You will just go to the list and try something

• Seek professional help if you need it (some resources are available below). Contrary to what most people think, there’s no shame in seeking help! 

Mental Health Resources for Black Folks

Did you know? Only half of Black adults with mental illness get treatment. Why is that? Honestly, this statistic makes me so sad, but I get it to a certain point. After all, I understand that several factors contribute to Black adults being hesitant to seek professional help. 

For instance, the legacy of systemic racism in health care has generated mistrust among POCs; and just 2% of the estimated 41,000 psychiatrists in the U.S. are Black, and just 4% of psychologists are Black. Now, add in the cost of treatment – it’s easy to see why getting therapy can be difficult for Black folks. 

Fortunately, in recent years, mental health organizations and advocates have made a serious effort to attract Black clientele (I focus on treating Black womxn in my practice!), ensuring that Black folks have access to the resources needed to prioritize their psychological well-being. 

If you’re looking for some other helpful resources, here are some I encourage you to check out:

• The Boris Lawrence Henson Foundation

• The Black Mental Health Alliance (BMHA)

• Black Mental Wellness

• The Liberate Meditation App

Aside from these mental health organizations, you can also set an appointment with the AnnodRight team for therapy OR if you need coaching, consulting, or training, Dr. Donna is the way to go with her focus on DEI in mental and sexual health.

Final Thoughts

Juneteenth commemorates the end of slavery in the US; however, it’s important to acknowledge that it was only the start of freedom. The wounds of historical, generational racial trauma run deep and many of us Black folk still experience a lot of hate, discrimination, and racism up to this day.

Understand that confronting trauma is never easy. You might even think that it’s impossible to heal from it. But, let me tell you: Healing IS possible. Be honest about how you’re feeling and don’t hesitate to seek help – these are great steps that you can take towards healing. 

Juneteenth is an opportunity for Black folk and as a country to do just that. Some days may feel like we’re making progress; other days may feel like we’ve taken several steps back. That’s ok. The important thing is that we don’t give up – let’s keep fighting for the legacy of freedom that our ancestors began.

Join a community of Black Folks and enjoy a safe, weekly space where we can get the WORD from a therapist and have some space to be in our feelings. Sign up for In My Black Feelings here. 

To schedule a 1:1 therapy session, consultation, or workshop, contact us. 

Resources:

https://www.pbs.org/wnet/african-americans-many-rivers-to-cross/history/what-is-juneteenth/ 

https://www.mhanational.org/racial-trauma 

https://www.insightintodiversity.com/addressing-the-lack-of-black-mental-health-professionals/ 

Picture retrieved from: https://www.pride.com/theater/2022/5/12/jesse-williams-nude-leak-leads-new-security-measures-theater

Black folk have always had an interesting relationship with the word consent. I say interesting when really I mean to speak of a history of violation that has happened, usually at the hands of white people who believed they could own, and in some ways continue to think they do own, the bodies of others and their autonomy. 

Think about how colorism plays into who is allowed to consent and when. For dark skinned women, they are told to feel “lucky” that anyone would view them as an object of sexual desire. For light skinned women, they have already be saddled with the trope of the Jezebel, insatiable sexual appetite that makes rape nearly impossible, and consent a given. But what about Black men? Men are seen as the “Black Buck” ready for mounting at a moments notice. What about if you add that into how light skinned men are made to be less masculine, but still strapped to the idea of the Black buck? Sometimes the tropes make it so that light skinned Black men need to prove their manliness through sexual exploits and in-your-face sexual appetite. And there are some who would prove it for them by putting their bodies on display for others to see much like what happened to Jessie Williams.

But allow me to hit you with the head line:

the picture and video-taking of Jessie Wiliiams’ body was a violation of his right to choose. A sexual violation of his consent. 

When there is “sex,” however, we define it, we understand the violation (in many circumstances), but somehow that understanding becomes diminished or forgotten when we are talking about the image of someones body, especially if that someone is famous/a celebrity, especially if that person is Black, and usually, but not in this case, when that person is a woman. 

Power is always at play when there is a violation of someone's consent. The violator is in some way saying that what I want is more important than what you want, even if it costs you your mental health and wellbeing. 

Even if the person who took the picture is a woman of color (and I don’t know), this would still be a display of white supremacist partiarchy at play. How? Because we have internalized it so much that even Black women can be agents of white supremacists patriarchy. We have learned its rules and how they apply to us. While many of us like to see ourselves as the people who gnash their teeth and fight the power and the system, many of us are happy to be complicit, while still others aren't even aware of how they uphold the system they so hate. We expect men and white people, in some ways, to violate the rights of others, doing what makes them happy, comfortable, and content even at the expense of the peace of mind and needs of others–because the history of power has supported their right to choose for others for themselves. If a white woman took that photo, she acted in white supremacy which doesn't believe that Black people own their own bodies. And we know this has continued to be true as personal space violations abound with white folk reaching out to touch someone else. If the person was a white man, same shit. If they were a Black man, they were an agent. Simple, right?

Maybe that seems too much like B.S. to you to believe that it can all be blamed on white supremacist cis-het patriarchal capitalism, but that is what I blame most things on because just about everything can be (and likely should be) viewed through the lens that created the United States as it stands today.

The Point is…

Jesse Williams body does not belong to the public at large. If we want to see his body, it should not be shared all over Twitter, like a pack of gum between friends. We are meant to either go see the show in person or not see it (his body) at all. I feel the need to say this because I think that we got lost in all of our ooohing and ahhhing about the beauty of his body that we forgot that for him this is a sexual violation. His celebrity status doesn't mean that he stops being a person who gets to make determinations about what happens to his body and its image. And nor does his being a light skinned Black man. If a  theater says that no pictures or video should be taken, then it is up to us to actually follow those rules. Because otherwise what we're doing violates the consent of the very living people who are on the stage who are in front of us performing. 

And psst…NO. It doesn’t matter if YOU would be okay with it. It’s not about treating others the way YOU want to be treated, it's about treating them the way THEY want to be treated.

And he said no.

Treat me single cover picture

Respectability politics abound and the white supremacist delusion in your bedroom is no different. 

Sign Up for the Plan To Orgasm Masterclass

〰️

Sign Up for the Plan To Orgasm Masterclass 〰️ Sign Up for the Plan To Orgasm Masterclass 〰️

Chloe Bailey recently dropped her newest single “Treat Me” along with a music video. Well, the chaste police have spoken and have found great problem with the music video and, for some, the song and style of singing as well. TikTok is full of comments including:

“You are too good to turn out like this”

“It feels awkward”

“Meanwhile Halle hasn’t lost her senses yet, she still carries herself well”

“Too much, too soon Just want to see a beautiful young lady with talent but classy”

“Not sure all this was necessary”

“Pretty tasteless”

“You’re gorgeous without doing all that”

“The industry ruined her”

😪 Sometimes people don’t even recognize their own misogynoir.

Women in general, Black women specifically, are often thrust into either/or categories, which strip us of the nuance of life. With Black singers/entertainers specifically we say that either they are talented, chaste-ish women OR they are gauche people, who must be using all of their sexuality and their body because they don’t have any “real” talent. 

Enter “the problem”: Chloe’s Sexual Nature

Or rather, your viewing of Chloe’s sexual nature as the problem. The thing is, since folk can’t say that Chloe is using her body to distract from the talent we already know she has; they have been moved to comments that, instead, imply woeful naivete and an immorality that her use of sexuality is going about things “in the wrong way” and that either she doesn’t know she is being used by the industry people around her, or otherwise, needs to find the mind she lost. Folk are out here giving unsolicited advice, or using various shame tactics to say her sexual expression is wrong, “uncomfortable and awkward” or somehow, beneath her and her talent. That she shakes her ass and puts on musical performances which display her sexuality, ends up being seen as some trifle cry for attention which covers up the only “real” asset that doesn’t make us uncomfortable; her voice. The looming presence of her sexuality has been instead viewed as a mishandling of her vocal talent, a diminishing of her goodness, and a robbing of her “innocence” in light of ass shaking, sultry singing, and bodily awareness and appreciation. Allow me to hit you with a headline:

She’s Grown!!!

I know, hard to believe. But Chloe is not the 12-15 year old you first saw singing covers with her sister on YouTube. She is an adult, and like many adults who have been in the industry when they were children, she is finding her own way to shed the innocent script you have foisted on her that would keep her suspended in so-called “15 year old innocence” forever. I am sure if we think back to some of what we were doing, wearing, etc. at the age of 15-22, we would also see our own metamorphosis. The difference is that while you may only have needed to fight against the “little girl” your caregivers and close relatives still saw, she (likely) has to fight with her caregivers, the industry, and all of you.

Furthermore, I would add that this sexual debut is very much akin to the same energy that gave us Janet Jackson’s Control and Beyonce’s Dangerously in Love albums, both of which also occurred around the same age, early 20s. It is not lost on me that many of you may have come across these albums as adults or otherwise grew up with them, saw them as revolutionary, and somewhere along the way became just like some the of the folk who came before you and decided sexuality is something you can only have after you are attached(to a man) or when “grown.” 

And for me, that’s part of the point. Too many of us are more comfortable with Black women’s sexuality being on display when there is clearly a cis-male or masculine benefactor to said sexuality. Because if a woman is attached to a man, then she is not “out of control,” a whore, or awkward. We imagine that this masculine energy gives “permission” for the sexuality we see, and that makes it okay.  

Some of you are also wrapped up in the idea that this wasn’t how she wanted to display herself, but rather how the industry is using her. The industry and powers that be “use” a great many of us. Women are often brainwashed to think of themselves and sexuality only in service to others. We are the treat or reward for a man who is “nice enough.” But here is something for you to consider, what if there is not a lecherous old white man behind the scenes dictating what she should do? What if this is how she has decided that she would like to display herself? Why are we so offended when a Black woman decides that they want to own their sexuality? Could it be because Black women's bodies have been commodified for other people's enjoyment and thus we have continued to code it that way? Is it because of misogynoir? Is it because we continue to see sexuality, especially Black women’s sexuality through a deficit model bathed in the white supremacist cis-male delusionist gaze which we shun with the bright light of respectability politics?

Respectability Politics Have No Place in Sexuality; otherwise, does your sexuality really belong to you?

 No really, consider that. How do you know your sexuality is for and about you if you have not defined it for yourself? Could it be that your discomfort with Chloe’s sexuality is really a projection of the discomfort you have with your own? Could it be that you have been so far into the performance of your gender, of your race, of how sexuality is “supposed to look” on a good Black Christian girl who wants to be married, that you have not explored what it might mean for you to be YOU in all the ways you would show up? Is there a longing for the you that you could have been if you were not boxed in by those in positions of power to define and keep defining who you are for you?

I ask these questions without a hint of jest or ridicule because for many people, just the idea that you can define yourself for yourself without worrying about who would be hurt, upset, or worrying about how you would be received by others, is a foreign concept. Women and Black folk are taught to change who they are to cater to the men and white people who are in positions of power. What is respectability politics, as we know it, other than a way for us to make ourselves smaller so people who assume power feel bigger? The problem isn’t necessarily that we Black folk choose to engage in the code switching behavioral set– because it is also a tool for survival for many of us, the problem is when we take our very personal thoughts and beliefs and make them required canon for other people. We sit on the high horse of pretending, exhausted and disconnected from ourselves, and judge people who are in touch with themselves, at the very least in touch enough to know they want to explore all the areas that they were told are off limits or would make them immorally bankrupt. 

Maybe Chloe is wearing a sexual persona; maybe she's being herself, sexual and all, but either way, she is doing such a great job of the performance and displaying of her various talents and sexuality, that we are talking about her at all. There is a braveness in showing up regardless of the people around you with judgment and condemnation on their lips. Besides, it's…

Age Appropriate Sexual Exploration

Parents don’t raise children, you raise those who will be adults. The raising and guiding is not meant to be a straightjacket forcing only your views, but to lovingly allow a young person–who will be independent of you one day, to learn how to know themselves in a changing world and body. Hopefully to love them through the choices and changes that they make. To not take things personally when they choose a way that is contrary to what you taught them. After all, when we choose to give advice, it is still the responsibility of the recipient to choose if, when, and how they are going to apply the whole or any portion of that advice. 

I know that some of you would like to believe that sexuality shouldn't be a thought or action until there is an exchanging of vows and a throwing of rice…or for my Yoruba people, until the aso ebi has been worn and the bride price negotiated. You might think so, but you would be wrong. Chloe Bailey is 23 years old. This is a time of her transition from later adolescence to early adulthood. However, the point is that at this age and stage of her life, she is internalizing her own morality, making a choice for herself about her career, exploring her autonomy, which means that she should be exploring and trying out her own role. She is gonna try things out. I would also add that when someone holds you to one thing and you finally wrest free, the pendulum can swing in the extreme opposite direction before it settles into a spot that feels good and comfortable for where you are at any given stage of life. For me and most folk who study human behavior, this means she is right on track. She is just more public about the things you got to try out in private. We are along for the ride as long as we choose to engage– not just with her, but with any artist as they move through life, learning new things, and trying them out. 

So I say this with love: Chloe Bailey makes the decisions about what she's going to do with her body, just as you can make decisions about yours, because it belongs to her. Your consumption of it does not (and should not) dictate her recipe.  If you don't like the way McDonald's fries taste, take your ass to Wendy's. 

Plan To Orgasm Masterclass advert

Photo by Joshua Mcknight

This March we have been talking about taking control. Given that women and Black folk have been taught to place wyt people in control of everything, and because they (white folk) tend to be heading up multimillion dollar corporations and this very country, we thought it was necessary. Well, what about your pleasure? One thing we know is that almost everyone in this world is in pursuit of satisfaction, ease, and happiness. Being at ease, satisfied, and happy are surreal emotions and bring us a sense of mental and emotional peace. 

But in knowing that, why do we stop ourselves from indulging in pleasure? 

Now there is a whole history of racism, sexism, etc. etc. etc. to consider, so yeah, that is part of it. Some of it is also that we have been taught how to survive, not how to thrive and live a more unencumbered desire fueled life. But I can see that we want to. We might try a little something that brings us unadulterated joy and then go right back into our shell. There is this internal battle of whether indulging in our pleasure is good for us or not. We get to thinking about what we were taught. The many ways we have been told to “stay in our place” and we also think about religious upbringings and if we are on the right path. We even came up with the term ‘guilty pleasure’, because we're guilty about doing it. But what does science say about this? 

 What you don’t know about pleasure.

Everyone has essential human needs. 

Most of the time the cause of stress is not meeting those needs, whatever they might be. i.e. We don’t take control. And because we are not taking control our physical, mental and emotional well-being suffers. While we have been taught to meet our most basic needs– food, water, and shelter– those are not the only needs. 

Pleasure and happiness are also needed. Not just a “want” but a need!

Pleasure is the experience of feeling something good. It is the enjoyment of doing something that makes you feel satisfied. People who crave intimacy need a healthy sex life. And we are often reluctant to do it. Sometimes, it's because some of our guilty pleasures are delectably unusual for others. 

Well, your guilty pleasures aren’t guilty. These pleasurable things we do, allow our brains to rest. 

Intimacy is something we experience physically. But it can also greatly affect our brain. And whether we admit it or not, sexuality is part of our life. Especially since we are sexual beings from the cradle to the grave. Sex can both be about intimacy and pleasure. 

Here are a few  serious benefits of pleasure that could greatly improve our emotional and mental wellbeing. 

1. It reduces anxiety. 

Pleasurable activity, whether it's food or sex, delivers more than just pleasure. It also reduces worry! It reduces the number of stress hormones released by the body. 
Those who have sex once a month or less are more likely to get heart disease than those who do it twice a week or more. Part of the reason could be that you receive a little more exercise and are less stressed or sad as a result. That's why an active sex life can make you happier and healthier, which may help you avoid anxiety. 
Sex increases serotonin levels, which can help you feel better and battle depression. Serotonin is one of the hormones released during orgasm. It's the chemical that makes you feel relieved from stress and anxiety. 
Low serotonin levels can make it difficult to make or create plans and strategies. If your serotonin levels are low, you may find it difficult to complete tasks. You might feel easily agitated, depressed, or unable to control your urges. 

But don’t worry, solo sex is still sex! So go ahead and grab your favorite toy from Lora DiCarlo (you know mine is the Baci and the Ose 2) and have a great time!

2. It boosts confidence. 

Confident people appear happier because they feel more at ease in their skin, and it shows! People with poor self-esteem appear more concerned with what others think and how they are perceived. As a result, the energy they have is just a bit different. Yeah, I know, you have probably been on team “fake it till we make it” for a minute, but the thing is, we can tell. The real question is: is it possible for happiness to lead to self-assurance? 

Yup! That appears to be the case…according to science, anyway

There is logic to happiness impacting your confidence as well. Genuinely happy and content folk are more in touch with themselves and their emotions. This might help them gain confidence.

It requires a certain amount of self-assurance to engage in sex the way you desire, but sex can also reciprocate. Having sex frequently can help enhance self-confidence. It builds a more favorable attitude about yourself. A lack of sex can be detrimental, lowering your self-esteem and confidence. 

The feelings of intimacy with your partner, as well as feeling nurtured and desired increases your self-confidence and overall well-being when you have sex. 

Sexual activity regularly, whether partnered or solo, might make you appear younger. Ahhh the eternal fountain of youth! This is partly related to estrogen secretions. One study discovered a link between regular sexual activity and the appearance of being much younger (between seven to 12 years younger!). The vast majority of these people were also at ease with their sexuality and sexual identity. 

3. It improves your mental health.

Positive emotions can help to reduce stress hormones and strengthen emotional resilience. It can help you recover from stress, solve issues, think more creatively, and even fight sickness.

The pleasure in doing what makes you happy reduces discomfort. 

You can try to engage in leisure activities that provide a break from problems. There’s a sense of accomplishment in doing so plus a variety of other advantages. Now, don’t be shy, if goal planning and follow through are a problem and you notice it negatively impacting your mental health, I have tools to help. You can grab my tips in this Goal Digging Masterclass here, or just get the Goal Digging Workbook. Think of it as an investment in your mental health

4. It leads to a night of better sleep.

You get a better sleep when your body releases oxytocin, sometimes known as the "love" or "intimacy" hormone, as well as endorphins. Sedation can be caused by a combination of these hormones. And pleasure through orgasms helps our body to release these hormones.

There are wonderful benefits of having the pleasure of better sleep.

A night of better sleep can help with: 

• a more powerful immune system

• longer life expectancy

• feeling more rested

• having great stamina during the day

It supports a healthier, more rejuvenated YOU! Because, stop playing, you and I both know that a lack of sleep can worsen mental health issues or raise your risk of having one. 

5. It reduces the chances of depression.

Listen up folk, we people are sociable beings that are wired to seek out physical contact with others. It gives us pleasure. Now, COVID took that option a way from a lot of us as we were in and out of lockdown and quarantine. But physical displays of affection can range from something as simple as a hug or handshake to something far more intimate, such as kissing or sex. 

Receiving and giving physical gestures of affection, regardless of the form you and a consenting other person chooses, can truly improve your mental health. People who are "touch-deprived" are more prone to experience stress or despair. Pleasure decreases stress hormones and builds emotional strength. 

Takeaways

While living an asexual or celibate life is not physically or psychologically unhealthy, for those who seek the intimacy of a sexual connection, a healthy sex life is an important element of a full and happy existence. 

For many people, pleasure is not only a component of living a satisfying life, but it also helps to maintain good mental health in a variety of ways. 

There are a lot of ways to experience pleasures. Some folk find pleasure in listening to music for longer hours, some may binge-watch Netflix shows or even go shopping. Whatever you choose to do, find various ways to add more pleasure in your life. 

Take Control. Pleasure is your birthright!

Homework: Consider one way every day that you can add pleasure to your life. Add a suggestion in the comment section below. Someone needs to know :)

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Written By: Candrea Davies

I’m sure you have read plenty of social media posts, articles, and blogs lately explaining the importance of Black History Month for celebrating diversity and providing a more comprehensive origin story of the America we know today. While it is true that the education that comes in February highlights the truth about African American’s invaluable contribution to this country’s advancement and our history of slavery, racism, discrimination, and injustice, that is not my number 1 reason for celebrating this month. I celebrate Black History Month because it is good for my mental health. 

This is the one month that society is forced to see me whether they like it or not. As a Black woman I am frequently overlooked, ignored, objectified, and dehumanized. This reality is true  at work, in society, in the media, and for some, at home. No other month, week, or day (not even Mother’s Day) is afforded to me with both recognition of the beauty of my Blackness and my worth in this world. So yes, as I continue to deal with the adversities that the day brings, I  appreciate this month’s efforts to give a voice to those Black women who too have been silenced. 

We are here. 

Well Pride Month is coming to an end - and while many took this month to celebrate by showing the world who they really are, telling their story, and waving that flag proudly, there are some people who felt that they had to celebrate silently. As a society we may have come a long way of accepting, acknowledging, and embracing different sexualities and gender identities - but there are still folk out there who refuse to be open minded which leaves some of the LGBTQ community feeling scared or anxious about expressing their sexuality to their loved ones.

It’s not uncommon for people to keep their sexuality a secret from their loved ones. Some feel it’s no one’s business, while others do it out of fear. The fear that if they tell certain people it could be the end of the relationship, so rather than lose them they decide to hide a part of who they are. But, can you really live your best life and be genuinely happy in any relationship where you can’t be your most authentic self?

I’m not saying that you have to tell anyone, but I am saying that doing so can be liberating. You can free yourself from feeling like you're keeping a secret, get rid of the anxiety and stress you’ve been harboring because of it, and give yourself the opportunity to love yourself for who you are, without feeling guilty about it. 

If you’re ready to tell someone in your life, but don’t know how to go about it here are a few steps:

1. Decide if You’re Really Ready to Declare It

Are you at a point in your life when you feel ready to come out? Are you comfortable with your sexuality or are you still discovering yourself? Remember that no one has a right to this information, so don’t feel as though you must tell them. If you choose to share, do so because you want to and do it when you feel comfortable.

And remember that once you make this declaration, it’s the beginning not the end.

2. Choose When, Where, and How

It can be a little easier to have this conversation when you set some specific time aside to do it, rather than just spontaneously shouting it. So pick a day, time, and a place to have this conversation.  I also encourage you to decide who you want to be there - is this a private moment between the two of you or do you want a supportive friend there? 

Set it up so you feel comfortable.

3. Set Boundaries & Enforce Them

Before having this conversation sit down and decide what you will and will not tolerate. Are there certain questions you don’t want to answer, certain behaviors that you won’t put up with? Figure out what your boundaries are and make sure you make them known when having the conversation. Examples of boundaries could be:

“I’m open to talking to you about this, but not if you’re going to yell”

“We won’t continue this conversation, if you make inappropriate jokes and comments”

“I don’t feel comfortable telling you everything about my past”

“ This information is between us”

Your news could be a shock to some, but that doesn’t mean they can disrespect you.

4. Remember Their Approval Isn’t Necessary

It’s easy to feel as though you need permission or approval from those in your life, especially your parents, in order to live the way you want - but it’s not the truth. While the hope is that everyone you open yourself up to will accept your truth, there is a chance that they won’t. And you know what, that’s okay. It may not feel good but it won’t and shouldn’t stop you from living your life. Continue to do you, despite anyone’s response or reaction. 

5.Let Go of Expectations

Anytime we open up and become vulnerable with others, we hope we’ll be met with love, support, and no judgement. However, it is important to keep in mind that people’s reactions can be unpredictable and it may not be what we’ve hoped. It might be alot for them to take in at that moment, so give them time to process. And try not to take their time to process as judgement or non-acceptance. 

I wish you all the best as you come out to your loved ones and I want you to know that you have our love and support! And just in case you need a reminder, you are worthy of love, pleasure, happiness, and everything in between. 

If you need help navigating your sexuality or need someone to talk to, schedule a consultation today!

Source: https://www.singleblackmale.org/2014/05/09/8-things-black-women-hate-called/black-woman-short-hair-upset-2/

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, they’re all around the corner. So, I have to ask, are you ready to deal with your family? 

We all  know how it is when you go home, all your family is there, that auntie, your uncles, some of them you love and some of them you're not even sure you like. And while everybody is hanging out waiting for grandma to finish cooking dinner, they get to asking dumb questions. I mean all kinds of things like:

"Did you lose weight?” 

“Oh you look little more hefty, you been eating good?”

Then comes the one that you’ve really, really been dreading....

"How come you ain't got no boyfriend" or "You still don’t have a special girl?"

“Why ain't you married yet?” “Where my grandbabies?”

Those are some of the most disrespectful questions that you'll get over this holiday season, mostly because your relatives have failed to MIND THEIR BUSINESS! They don’t know that there are therapeutic benefits (you can read about them here!) Being single over the holidays can be really rough because of various things, specifically having family members ask about why you don't have somebody special in your life. It can feel like it's a personal failure on your part because you didn’t do what your family has expected you to do and get knocked up or at least start your journey by dating someone. I mean let’s be honest, aren’t all these questions founded on the fact that your family want some little ones running around? And while I can respect that they want something so special, you still have a whole life to live that should not be revolving around whether you're going to disappoint your family for the holidays. At the end of the day, your being single has nothing to do with your self worth. It's just a part of where you are in life.

So, if you’re not in the mood to share your life or feel like you need to explain yourself here is your guide on how to deal with your family asking dumb ass questions, especially about your singledom over the holidays. (Yes, I said singledom!)

Now there have been many solutions out there, one of my favorites has been seeing people put up those ads for fake boyfriends and girlfriends. You know the one, I’m talking about - where they offer to be your girlfriend/boyfriend for a couple hours in exchange for some of grandma’s collard greens and sweet potato pie! And that is certainly one way to go, I have to give it to them, it is innovative. 

But ya’ll should know by now I'm all about telling the truth wherever and whenever possible. So, you can tell your relatives that your therapist (which is me today) said to mind they business and that you can't be with nobody right now. BOOM!

Another way to deal, other than having a fake partner or having a fake therapist is to tell your family that you're not allowed to be with nobody. If you have a religious bunch why don't you go ahead and tell them that you are married to the Lord. Tell them that the Lord said He will provide when the time is right, your earthly husband or earthly wife or earthly person. What they gonna say? Isn't it blasphemous if they try to say something like "well the Lord need to hurry up?" Though, I have been known to say that line a time or two myself, but I ain’t got no couth. And as you tell them, be sure to ask them kindly to pass you the ham at the same time! 

In all seriousness, if you feel like you have the type of family that will carry on about what accomplishments you don't have, comparing you, or otherwise making you feel less-than about your life like including not having a partner at the holidays, you need not spend your time with them. This is part of self care, spending time in ways that benefit you, not in ways that harm you.

1. You can go to a friends house for Thanksgiving and enjoy the pie over there, or even make yourself a lil somethin’ somethin’ at home.

2. You can try redirecting the conversation, or letting folk know that the link of questioning makes you uncomfortable and to please stop.

3. Or just pick up and leave when things get beyond you tolerance level, don’t forget to grab some pie

However, I believe in the power of setting expectations prior to arriving. So if you do decide to visit your family, let people know that you will not be answering any questions about X, Y, or Z and you don't want to hear about it or talk about it. If you’re not quite ready to set expectations, you can always studiously ignore them! Whichever way you want to go for the holidays just remember that your being single is not a character defect or character flaw. You are in the space you are in because of whatever choices you have made or the choices that other people have made. You've chosen that you want something better for yourself, someone better than whoever you might have been with a couple months, weeks, or days ago. They didn't belong in your life and they certainly don't belong around your Thanksgiving table. So, rock out, start the holidays, end this year, and start the new year thinking about you and your needs leaving the door open for all the best for you. 

And your family...they can just wait the same way that you are, they ain’t got grandkids money anyway! 

On Instagram I asked for some asshole ways to answer the “Why are you still single question?” Here are the top 3:

1. Why are you still married to you cheating ass husband

2. Dick too big (shrug emoji)

3. I don’t know grandma, why do you still vote for trump and want me dead?

What are yours?!

It goes without saying that 2020 has been the year from hell for most of us. If you're anything like me, you probably started off 2020 with plans to crush your New Years resolutions, travel, meet a new boo and live your best life ever. All of that seemed realistically possible until mid March when our reality changed. Let me just say, I was NOT ready! Like never before, the entire country locked down in an effort to combat the Covid-19 pandemic. I quickly came to realize that for the next few months, me and the rest of the world will live each each day with uncertainty for the next.

So far, 2020 has thrown us all for a loop! We started to feel the downhill spiral when legendary basketball player Kobe Bryant died. Then, the Covid-19 pandemic slapped us in the face with the loss of many lives and millions of people becoming infected. But just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, the death of George Floyd and many other African American victims of police brutality and structural racism sparked the reemergence of the Black Lives Matter movement. In addition, we recently lost the only super hero that we could identify with, which sent almost every black person into mourning. All of these events meant that we were experiencing collective trauma. 

Collective trauma is the psychological impact that is shared by a large group of people who have all experienced or witnessed the same event.

What does this mean for us as people of color? It means that decades of social and racial injustice come to the surface. It also means that we are only left with the memories of the innocent and heroic people we’ve lost. We were definitely caught off guard by these events to say the least! When major unforeseen events such as these happen, our coping mechanisms usually kick in and respond the best way it knows how. For some, this can mean an increase of alcohol and drug use, violent behavior, binge eating and more to deal with an increase of anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. In response to a negative event, we tend to become hyper vigilant and we can resort to unhealthy alternatives at times. So the question becomes, What the hell do I do now?

1. Unplug from Social Media
Yes, I know, this might be how you stay connected to the world, especially in times of quarantine, but the overwhelming flood of tragic news and graphic images can actually increase your risk of depression, low self-esteem and anxiety. Not to mention vicarious trauma from watching violence on Black bodies

2. Make your voice heard
With the recent social injustices taking place, it’s easy to feel hopeless, outraged and discouraged. If you want to counteract those feelings and voice your opinion, join activist groups whose beliefs align with yours. You can also protest, sign a petition or donate to groups actively working to make a change. This will allow you to be apart of the change that you seek and in turn reduce the negative feelings within, especially feelings of guilt that can arise.

3. Utilize your supports
We have all been through it this year! But one of the most important things you can do is talk to someone you trust about what you’r experiencing. Whether it’s a friend, family member or therapist, having someone to listen to you and help process your feelings will help you decompress from all that is going on.

Doing these things, which are a practice self-care can be hella helpful. The things happening in the world can begin to preoccupy our minds and in turn, affect how we care for ourselves. Self-care includes up keeping your hygiene, doing something that is relaxing and enjoyable for yourself. This will serve as a mental distraction as well.

Trauma changes our perspectives, feelings, behavior, self-identity, and can have a direct impact on our level of vulnerability—making us more vulnerable to new sources of hurt and trauma. The mental distress can be overwhelming and it can feel as if the impacts of the trauma are not equally shared. Everyones psychological reactions to trauma will vary because there is no ONE way to experience trauma. But, utilizing the recommended tips above will give you Annod in the right direction…for you ;)

If you have any questions or comments, please drop them down below!