Sextortion disproportionately affects boys.

Between October 2021 & March 2023, the FBI & Homeland Security Investigation received more than 13,000 reports of online sextortion of minors. Most of the victims were boys. At least 20 boys have already died by suicide after experiencing sextortion.

The FBI is so concerned about these trends that they reached out to ON BOYS podcast. Agents are working to shutdown sextorionists, but they know that parents play a key role in keeping boys safe too.

“This trend of targeting boys for financial sextortion — where photos are taken or provided by the boy and then used to extort them for funds, under the impression that they will be shared online — is a scheme that seems to have emerged in the last few years,” says Chris Crocker, Acting Special Agent in Charge of the FBI St. Louis division.

Protecting Boys From Sextortion

Boys ages 14-17 seem to be the primary targets. Sextortionists connect with boys via online platforms (including gaming sites and social media; they often represent themselves as attractive teenage girls, show a lot of interest, perhaps share a sexy photo of “themselves,” and then ask the boy to reciprocate. When he does, they threaten to share the image unless the boy sends them money.

“The boys we’ve seen fall for these schemes are not dumb kids. They’re not kids that were necessarily obviously at any sort of risk. They’re good kids, good students, athletes, model kids, the kind of boys you would want your son to grow up to be,” Chris says. “These are not bad kids; these are good kids who make poor decisions. Every person is susceptible to doing that from time to time.”

Talk to your boys about sextortion, so they will talk to you if it occurs to them (or a friend). Make sure they know that you will help them, not yell at them or punish them.

“It is very important for parents to constantly reassure their children that they can come to them with something like this. Building that trust with your child is really important to avoiding these things – maybe not from occurring ever, but from reaching the worst possible outcome,” Chris says.”This is a really complex issue and there’s no easy way to handle it, but spreading awareness will prevent more of these outcomes.”

Chris Crocker, Acting Special Agent in Charge of the FBI St. Louis Division

To Report Sextortion:

To contact the FBI, dial 1-800-CALL-FBI or use tips.fbi.gov to provide information online.

The FBI’s partner at the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children provides guidance on how to remove nude photos online that were taken before a person was 18 years old: https://takeitdown.ncmec.org/

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:

• What sextortion is
• Why boys are often victims
• How to talk to boys about sextortion
• What to do if someone is experiencing sextortion
• What happens when your report sextortion
• What social media sites are doing to combat sextortion

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Sextortion: A Growing Threat Preying on Our Nation’s Teens

A Teen’s Death in a Small Michigan Town Led the FBI & Police to an Online Sexual Extortion Scheme

This Boy’s Story Highlights Why Instagram’s Taking a New Stance on DMs

Instagram to Crack Down on Teen Sextortion

Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — ON BOYS episode

Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)

Sponsor Spotlight: EZ Melts

Get a FREE 3-month supply of D3 w your 1st purchase at try.ezmelts.com/onboys

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

Our Sponsors:
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Protein, creatine, & performance enhancing drugs are common in boy world.

In fact, most teen boys experiment with them at some point. Approximately 80% of teenage boys say they’ve used a protein supplement within the last 12 months, says Kyle Ganson, an assistant professor who researches boys and body image.

“There’s a very broad list of performance enhancers, including dietary supplements and other substances that are perfectly legal and readily available to young people,” Kyle says. These substances are “purported to help you with your performance, with building strength, and with your appearance, but there’s not a lot of research on them and a lot of nuance to them.”

Whether they’re looking for this info or not, boys are likely to encounter it online. There are a plethora of social media influencers who hawk supplements and explicitly discuss their workout routines, nutrition, and dietary supplements. Not all of that information is accurate. In many cases, these influencers gain financially when they promote supplements.

Understanding boys’ motivation to use these substances is key to supporting them. An abstinence-only approach isn’t likely to work — and not necessary, in most cases, Kyle says. It’s better to engage boys in conversation and help them meet their goals.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kyle discuss:

• Protein supplements, creatine, amino acids, pre-workout supplements, & energy drinks
• Steroids & synthetic hormones, including testosterone
• How media influences (& creates) unrealistic body image ideals for boys
• Why boys use performance enhancing supplements
• Helping boys find accurate information
• Typical paths to supplement use
• Talking to boys about performance enhancing substances
• Masculine norms & muscle-building behaviors
• Regulation (& lack of regulation!) of supplements & performance enhancing drugs

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) & Muscle Dysmorphia — previous ON BOYS episode w Kyle

Boys & Body Image – ON BOYS episode

Zac Efron Admits Bulking Up for Baywatch “Messed” Him Up

Rob McElhenney from “Always Sunny” Reveals How He Got So Ripped

Safety Reporting Portal — site consumers can use to report adverse events

Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

Menopause care made easy!

Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Our Sponsors:
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Advocating for boys is one way to help boys and men thrive.

At present, there are no governmental commissions working on behalf of boys and men in the United States. Not at the federal level & not at the state level. Even though boys lag behind girls in academic achievement and boys & men experience suicide, murder, drug & alcohol addiction, homelessness, incarceration, & early death at disproportionately high rates. And even though there are multiple commissions dedicated to addressing & advancing the needs of girls and women.

Blair Daly, founder of the Washington Initiative for Boys & Men (WIBM) is working to change that.

“The male population, I think, can be described as an under-advocated-for population group,” Blair says. “There’s very little organized advocacy.”

That’s why he created WIBM, which combines advocacy journalism and grassroots political action to draw attention to the unique needs of boys and men in Washington state. As a result, Washington state may become the first state in the US to establish a Commission on Boys & Men.

“Without a focus on the male population, we think a lot is being missed,” Blair says. Advocacy is necessary to focus attention on (& find solutions for) issues that disproportionately harm boys & men.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Blair discuss:

• Why boys need advocacy
• Challenges in advocating for boys & men
• Developing and demonstrating diverse support for boys
• How to talk about boys’ issues
• The power of local advocacy
• Why moms of boys are such great advocates for boys
• How to start advocating for boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Washington Initiative for Boys & Men

7 Democrats, 7 Republicans Sponsor 2024 Commission on Boys & Men Legislation — article highlighting the diverse support for a WA Commission on Boys & Men

Updated one-pager about WA legislation to develop a Commission on Boys & Men

What is the Washington Initiative for Boys & Men? Blair Daly Explains — YouTube video

Boys Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette

50/50 Shared Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Real Talk about Fentanyl, Opioids, & Marijuana — ON BOYS episode

Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)

Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Our Sponsors:
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Gifted & twice-exceptional boys often struggle in school, despite their intelligence & talents.

In fact, boys who are gifted or twice-exceptional (which means they are gifted & have a learning disability) are considered “problem kids.” Teachers (and other adults) may make boredom as lack of focus, or assume that poor grades indicate lack of intelligence. For many 2E boys, their learning disabilities overshadow their giftedness; for others, their giftedness hides their learning disabilities, says Deborah (Deb) Gennarelli, a gifted education specialist who is also the author of Twice-Exceptional Boys: A Roadmap to Getting it Right. 

Intensity is part of giftedness — a part that frequently presents challenges for gifted & 2E boys. “Intensity is treated different in boys than in girls in this culture,” Deb says. Teachers & parents may punish or try to “fix” boys’ intensity, which typically only creates more problems.

Gifted & 2E boys need support to thrive. “We can’t ignore the fact that students that have high intelligence look at things in different ways, behave in different ways, learn in different ways,” Deb says. “With the right support, these boys can go from surviving to thriving.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Deb discuss:

• Myths & misconceptions about gifted & 2E boys
• Special challenges for gifted & 2E boys
• Why many smart boys struggle in school
• Advocating for gifted & 2E boys
• Parenting gifted & 2E boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Twice-Exceptional Boys: A Roadmap to Getting it Right, by Deborah Gennarelli, M.Ed.

www.deborahgennarelli.com — Deb’s website

Twice-Exceptional Boys (w Ramsey Hootman) — ON BOYS episode

When Your Kid is the Classroom Problem Child — heartbreaking The Cut article about a 2E boy

Twice Exceptional Students — info from the National Association for Gifted Children

Twice Exceptional — classic Building Boys post

Talk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)

Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a Book

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart 

Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Our Sponsors:
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Like it or not, fentanyl, other opioids, and marijuana are part of our boys’ world.

“It is very easy to get drugs on social media,” says Michelle Leopold, a mother who’s son, Trevor, died after taking a pill he purchase online.

Ignoring these uncomfortable fact isn’t helpful. We have to educate ourselves and educate our boys. Here’s why:

Marijuana harms young brains

Today’s marijuana and marijuana-based products are far stronger than those of the past.

“It’s so important to learn about today’s marijuana,”Michelle says. Although marijuana and THC products are now legal in many states, study after study has shown that these products are not safe for developing brains.

Fentanyl kills

In 2019, Trevor, age 18, swallowed a blue pill he thought was oxycodone. It wasn’t.

Despite its markings, there was no oxycodone in the pill. The pill Trevor purchased was a counterfeit pill, & it contained fentanyl, a narcotic that’s 100 times more powerful than morphine, 50 times more powerful than heroin—and lethal at just a few grains.

Trevor didn’t get high; Trevor died.

According to the US. Dept of Justice, over 150 people die every day from overdoses related to synthetic opioids like fentanyl. As many as 7 in 10 counterfeit pills — pills sold online & purported to be oxycodone or other “prescription” meds — may now contain a lethal dose of fentanyl.

“People now need to assume that any drug they don’t get from their pharmacist has fentanyl in it,” Michelle says. “The odds are not in your favor.”

“I am going to use Trevor’s story to prevent other parents from losing their children.” — Michelle Leopold

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michelle discuss:

• How marijuana can affect teens & families
• Recognizing signs of drug use
• Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome
• Parenting a child who is using substances
• Just Say KNOW vs. Just Say No
• Where teens and young adults are getting drugs & pills
• Getting & using naloxone (Narcan)
• Recognizing & responding to an overdose

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Marijuana to Fentanyl: My Son is More Than a Statistic — post by Michelle

www.wearenotalone.community — Michelle’s blog (packed w info!)

Addiction Inoculation w Jessica Lahey — ON BOYS episode

Troubled Boys (w Kenneth R Rosen) — ON BOYS episode

Another View of Wilderness Therapy — ON BOYS episode

http://drugfree.org/  and toll-free Helpline (1-855-DRUGFREE / 1-855-378-4373) 

TheNewDrugTalk.org

SAMHSA National Helpline 1-800-662-4357 (Confidential free help, from public health agencies, to find substance use treatment and information)

SongForCharlie.org 

https://www.dea.gov/onepill

dancesafe.org (Fentanyl Test Strips and Drug Checking Kits)

Adding Naloxone to Your First Aid Kit — Decipher Your Health post (NOTE: Jen now has naloxone in her home)

shatterproof.org — includes a Narcan training video

Al-Anon — support for family & friends of people w alcohol use disorder

Nar-Anon — support for family & friends of people who use narcotics

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Our Sponsors:
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50/50 shared parenting is good for boys & good for parents. 

But it’s not yet the norm, despite decades of research demonstrating the value of shared parenting.

“It’s one part sexism and one part misunderstanding of the latest social science around what it best for kids,” says Emma Johnson, author of The 50/50 Solution: The Surprising Simple Choice that Makes Moms, Dads, and Kids Happier & Healthier After a Divorce. “”Thankfully, we are barreling toward a better future. No one’s really been able to quantify where or how often 50/50 is happening, but it’s definitely better than when I divorced 15 years ago.”

Why 50/50 parenting should be the default

Children (and parents) thrive when they have regular, close connection. The exact number of minutes or days children and parents spend together isn’t as important as regular, routine interaction — and that’s what 50/50 shared parenting schedules provide.

“Kids then know, intellectually, emotionally, and in their hearts that my mom and dad are both in it to win it. No one’s going to check out, slip out, or move away. No one’s got the upper hand,” Emma says.

Shared parenting also gives both parents time to practice parenting and time to focus on work, adult connections, and self-care. And seeing both parents actively involved in parenting and work broadens children’s ideas of work and family. As Emma writes in her book, “An equal 50/50 parenting presumption is the one policy change that could dramatically help tens of millions of children, their families, and communities, without any additional funding.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Emma discuss:

• Benefits of shared parenting for parents & children
• The role of sexism in parenting – & parenting decisions post-divorce
• Why you need to let go of the idea of being the “better” parent
• Parental gatekeeping
• Sharing caregiving and financial responsibility
• Co-parenting when your separation or divorce was not amicable
• Societal benefits of 50/50 parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The 50/50 Solution: The Surprising Simple Choice that Makes Moms, Dads, and Kids Happier & Healthier After a Divorce, by Emma Johnson

Single Parenting w Wealthy Single Mommy Emma Johnson –– ON BOYS episode

Parenting Boys Thru Divorce — ON BOYS episode

Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? — BuildingBoys post

Moms for Shared Parenting –– an activist organization promoting equally shared parenting 

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

Menopause care made easy!

Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.

 

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

Our Sponsors:
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Building boys’ resilience can help them thrive, says Marc Hauser. 

Even if they’ve experienced a lot of adversity.

“Adversity experienced by children is not a rare event, but a relatively common event,” says Marc, author of Vulnerable Minds: The Harms of Childhood Trauma & the Hope of Resilience. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) may include abuse, violence, neglect, poverty, and loss of a caregiver, and these experiences can negatively affect kids’ development.

But although research linking ACEs to behavioral problems and decreased academic achievement has been around for more than two decades, many adults still do not understand that adverse experiences may be at the root of children’s behavioral issues. Boys who act up (or out) at school, at home, or in the community are frequently met with punishment, not understanding.

Shifting your mindset from What’s wrong with you? to What happened to you? What’s happening? can be “transformative,” Marc says.

The 5 Ts (& How They Impact ACEs)

All adverse experiences are not equal. There are 5 Ts that can impact a child’s adverse experiences:

Type  – Poverty may impact a child differently than sexual abuse or loss of a caregiver, for instance.

Tenure  – How long is the child exposed to the adverse experience? Is it relatively fleeting, or a persistent issue over many months or years?

Timing – When, during the child’s development, did they experience an adverse event? Some ACEs are particularly impactful if they occur during specific phases of development.

Toxicity  — This describes the severity of the event. Broadly speaking, severe physical abuse is typically more impactful than mild physical abuse.

Turbulence – How unpredictable and uncontrollable is the event?

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Marc discuss:

• Prevalence of ACEs
• How exposure to trauma affects parents & their parenting practices
• ACEs impact on males
• The COVID pandemic’s impact on boys
• Strategies boys (& others) can use to mitigate the impact of ACEs

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Vulnerable Minds: The Harms of Childhood Trauma & the Hope of Resilience, by Marc Hauser

marcdhauser.com — Marc’s website

risk-eraser.com

“Whole Child, Whole Life” with Stephanie Malia Krauss — ON BOYS episode

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) & Muscle Dysphoria — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom Linens

Grown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.

Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

Menopause care made easy!

Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.

 

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

Our Sponsors:
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Yes, it’s possible to raise a healthy gamer. Even in a world saturated with video games.

Fighting about video games, however, isn’t helpful, says Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K), author of How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids.

“Right now, there is an antagonistic relationship between most parents & their kids around video gaming,” Dr. K says. “You think they need to cut back; they don’t think they have a problem. Then, as parents start to institute limits, children will try to undermine them. Even if you ‘win’ in this scenario, you lose.”

It’s more helpful, he says, to establish a collaborative relationship. Ask your child what he enjoys about gaming. Listen carefully to his answers, with an ear to understanding. Really work to understand what he gets from gaming, and ask questions to help him reflect on the role of video games in his life.

This takes time — and it’s time well invested.

“The time scale that a lot of parents operate on around video games is too small,” Dr. K says. Slow down, & don’t impose solutions. Instead, work on shared problem-solving. “This shifts the dynamic from ‘us vs them’ to ‘we’re on the same team.’ And the moment we make that shift, we see some beautiful changes.”

 

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. K discuss:

• Why video games are so problematic for many boys & their families
• The role of gaming in boys’ lives
• Video game addiction
• Handling boys’ resistance
• Why you should never make & enforce a boundary at the same time
• Why you shouldn’t use gaming as a disciplinary tool (or reward)
• Responding to kids who won’t put down their phone

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, by Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K)

www.healthygamer.gg — Dr. K’s website

Why are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episode

The Evolution of Esports — ON BOYS episode

The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Boys Play Video Games – BuildingBoys blog post

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom Linens

Grown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

Our Sponsors:
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How, exactly, does one “get curious” about their son without badgering him?

That’s a big, important question, and that’s exactly what Jennifer wants to know:

Lately, as he is resisting my normal questioning…I feel like I am now pushing him to evaluate his feelings, talk to me, or just engage…I have seen this cute, fun challenge of showing a person two pieces of paper. Each one has something different written in it. The recipient who is choosing the paper has no idea what is on the other side. At one time, this fun way to choose an adventure with me would have been exciting. Today was the exact opposite. He whined, then slithered down in his seat. Covered his face. I was taken aback. So I “got curious”. I asked him what was he feeling. “I don’t know”. I asked him if he thought I would put something un-fun on them. “I don’t know.” Why. Are you feeling like a lack of control? “I don’t know”. I probed a bit more, but you get the idea…

Well-meaning mom + fun idea + teen boy = Disappointment & discomfort

Timing may have been part of the problem. When talking to teenage boys, it’s best to avoid after-school surprises. It’s better to give them a heads-up; let them know, in advance, that you want to talk with (or do something) with them – and then, together, figure out good time.

And as for getting curious, Jen reminds listeners that “getting curious” can be internal. Instead of interrogating your son, get quiet. Think about what might be going on under the surface. Read, listen, and learn about what may be going on with your son.

Other questions we address include:

My son had undiagnosed learning differences for many years. We have changed schools a few times, but his motivation is at an all-time low…I read in a lot of literature that kids often lack motivation because of their relationship with their parents. We generally have a good relationship, but we worry that he still feels we failed him all those years ago…

and

 I get calls from the school that my boys misbehave…They usually get a consequence at school. How harsh should I follow up at home, do they need a second punishment?

and

If my junior has a winter dance coming up, and I think he should go, can I make him go or bribe him, or is this me living vicariously through him?

and also:

I’d like to hear something about the “other” teens. The ones who hide their insecurities behind perfection…So growing up they miss out on opportunities, camps, jobs… How do I help them become more confident? How do I help them see their value, take initiative and try new stuff?

and

I’m reluctant to let my kid go to summer camp… nervous… and how do I actually GET him to go?

Note Jen’s sweater – it’s a rental from Armoire, one of our sponsors!

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• Why teenage boys don’t embrace (& often reject) our ideas
• The importance of real self-care
• Managing fear & guilt
• Boys’ motivation
• Responding to misbehavior & phone calls from school
• Perfectionism
• Summer camp & separation anxiety

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boost Boys’ Motivation –– our online course

Listener Q & A: Punishment, Teenage Boys, & Letting Go — Q & A from late 2023

Needed: Boy-Friendly Schools — ON BOYS episode

Debt Free Mom Discusses Family Finances –– ON BOYS episode

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episode

Sleepovers, Camp, & Separation Anxiety — ON BOYS episode

Building Boys Bulletin — Jen’s Substack newsletter

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

Clothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

Natural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!

 

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

Our Sponsors:
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“Debt Free Mom” (aka Carly Hill) knows that family finances can be a fraught topic.

Yet family finances affect every aspect of family life: A family’s stress level, as well as housing, education, and recreational choices. Family finances play into decisions such as rec sports or travel team? Private school or public school? And, of course, our attitude and money habits affects our children as well. Our boys learn a lot about money management — both good and bad! – from us.

On Budgeting & Money Management

“A budget is simply a tool, a way to arrive at an outcome that’s not going to happen by accident,” Carly says.

Step one in budgeting (or creating a money plan) is to understand the gap — either positive or negative — between your income & expenses. “Any financial goal that we have is all going to be driven by the gap between our income and our expenses.”

You may not have a financial cushion; your expenses may regularly exceed your income. That’s stressful. And stress and overwhelm can cause us to freak out and/or ignore our financial situation. Instead, Carly recommends radical acceptance.

“We have to radically accept what’s already happened,” she says. You can’t go back and un-borrow your student loans or choose a different job. Take some deep breaths and look at your real numbers — how much money you owe and how much you have. (Often, Carly says, things aren’t as dire as people think.)

Once you know your numbers, do NOT jump to creating a budget. Instead, think about what you’re trying to achieve. What goal would you like to work towards? A good first goal is to consistently spend less than you make. Don’t worry about saving or paying down debt yet.

Next, focus on your financial circle of influence. You can’t control grocery prices; you can control how quickly you press “buy” online.

If you’re struggling to see a path forward — if you’ve already cut expenses and don’t see a way to increase your income — it may be wise to get outside advice. “We’re often too close to our own situation to see an alternate path,” Carly says. An outside advisor (who may be a friend or financial professional) isn’t emotionally involved and may be able to see alternatives that you can’t.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Carly discuss:

• Budgeting, saving, spending
• Why your parents’ money advice may not work for you
• How having a money plan can ease stress
• Understanding your financial circle of influence
• Establishing clear goals & clear incentives
• Negotiating conflicting financial priorities
• Resisting pressure to buy

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

debtfreemom.co — Carly’s website

The Debt Free Mom podcast

Teach Boys Money Management — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Armoire

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Jen’s Feb. Armoire haul

Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & Dollop

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Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

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Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

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Many Dads want to “step up with their hearts” and “actively parent,” says Maggie Dent, Australian parenting author and host of The Good Enough Dad and Parental As Anything podcasts. 

“They want to know how to do it well,” she says, noting that most dads have little experience caring for (or interacting with!) children prior to becoming a parent. Moms, though, often unconsciously interfere with dads’ parenting efforts by criticizing fathers or insisting that dads follow their parenting directives.

“If you keep telling a boy or a man they’re ‘doing it wrong,’ they’ll just stop,” Maggie says. “Moms have to let go a bit. You’ve got to step back.”

Dads need time to figure out parenting too. They need space to make mistakes (& discoveries!) And they need to know that we value their contributions.

Boys (and girls and nonbinary children) do best when dads are involved. Building up dads benefits boys!

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Maggie discuss:

• Changing expectations for dads
• Maternal gatekeeping
• Creating “team parent”
• How dads support one another
• Using “dad dates” to connect with your kids
• Supporting dads

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

MaggieDent.com — Maggie’s website (LOTS of good stuff here, including a link to her podcast, Parental as Anything, and links to her courses & books)

The Good Enough Dad — podcast hosted by Maggie

Dads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episode

Dads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on How to Motivate Boys — 2022 ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — 2020 ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 1) — ON BOYS episode

Maggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 2) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreads

Make your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.

 

Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom Linens

Grown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.

Sponsor Spotlight: Winona

Menopause care made easy!

Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.

Our Sponsors:
* Check out My Life in a Book and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal:
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Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

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