As a 24-year-old aspiring screenwriter in L.A., Rob Long didn’t have the money or job prospects to purchase a $400 leather jacket. So, naturally, he did. As luck had it, Rob got his first job as a TV writer a few weeks later. And now, decades later — and oft-bemoaning how things used to be better — he reflects on his good fortune, and why he shares it with a charity helping homeless youth right here on Hollywood Blvd. All while asking you to keep going long enough to appreciate your lucky selves to be in this business. 

Head to My Friend’s Place, Rob’s charity of choice, to help support youth experiencing homelessness.

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From the moment the fatal shooting of UnitedHealthcare’s CEO hit the news until the arrest of suspect Luigi Mangione in a McDonald’s, every loudmouth had a theory about the killer and his motive. You see, whether it’s a murder case, the Middle East or Hollywood’s upheaval, the know-it-alls all pretend they have all the answers. But society needs them, argues Rob Long. After all, who else would greenlight anything? 

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Look deeply into the eyes of many of the team surrounding Donald Trump and you might find the same hollow and exhausted looks ubiquitous on the faces of talent managers, agents and executives. You see, that’s because the past and future president is a lot like an insane director or temperamental movie star. And it’s why this industry is the one best equipped to advise that one.

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A TV writers room can be a cranky, hostile place. Rob Long and his colleagues spend their days arguing over which story beats to keep, whose joke is funnier, and what to order for lunch. But is it better when that chaos happens with people you’ve worked with before or strangers? An academic study gave Rob the answer.

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The next few weeks are going to be tough, a little bit like being force-fed goat cheese if you are Rob Long. So in this current toxic political environment, or really in any uncomfortable situation forced upon you, Rob has some simple advice. Use the word ‘huh’ — the one magic word that saves you from further confrontation.

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The Ankler recently launched The Ladder, a hub for early career entertainment professionals, which has Rob Long wondering one thing: What are these people thinking? Gone are the days where a 24-year-old like Rob could come to L.A. and months later be staffed on a show like Cheers, or make a lot of money specializing in just story beats or jokes. Today, you have to be a “multi-hyphenate,” or, to put it in Rob’s old Hollywood lingo, a “sweat act” — able to do a little bit of everything.

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A normal person, when a friend tells them about their broke dad with cancer, think this is a sad story; this poor guy; how can I help? Not Rob Long. He latches on to the part of the story about the dad having to move in with his New-Age vegan daughter to be closer to the hospital, and begins to wonder could this be a pitch?

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We perform plastic surgery on a lot of things in Hollywood — even history. Say you’ve got an amazing true story about the highest-ranking woman in the mafia, as Rob Long once did, but you don’t know how many people she killed. Why not make it lots of them? Now it’s not quite true, it’s “based on true events,” but good enough. As Rob can attest, there’s not a story in the world — true or not — that couldn’t use a little Botox. 

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Like many writers, Rob Long enjoys opining on writing more than actual writing. There’s no greater procrastination than, say, teaching a class on “maintaining focus.” Meanwhile, there are other writers at their computers, getting ideas out the door that are getting pitched first. Which may be when it’s time for procrastinators to turn to the best TV writing hack of all time: Sell the house.

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Indiana Smith didn’t sound quite right to Spielberg and Lucas, so they changed it to Indiana Jones — and the rest is history. You never know what’s going to work and what’s going to fail. Or why. That’s part of what makes notes, a pillar of Rob Long’s existence, so tricky. Because sometimes you should play ball with what a network wants. But other times you might need to pull a Sinatra: “My Way.”

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It’s not easy being blunt in Hollywood, with a lot of time spent dancing around the truth. Is a network or studio actually interested in the pitch? How much money are they willing to pay? That’s why it’s worth remembering the fan letter an actress friend of Rob Long’s received, where the sender was less invested in her career than making sure she answered his more prurient podiatry queries. After all, someone has to ask for what you want, get to the point and keep everyone focused on the important things, which is how Rob finds himself praising, yes, his agent.

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