When the streets of L.A. and New York hummed with production, Rob Long would pass so many shoots that he’d zip through and stealthily swipe a coffee and pastry. Now, though, as production shrinks, artisanal donuts and Nespresso pods have given way to Dunkin’ and off-brand coffee. And you know the industry’s in really bad shape when rumors about having to pay for valet parking at your own agency pop up — and everyone believes them.

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When tourists come to Manhattan, some check out “historical landmarks,” like the Sex and the City cupcake shop, where a bite of buttercream frosting can spark the fantasy of a romantic adventure in the Big Apple with best friends. Indeed, Rob Long believes showbiz is at its greatest when, in hard times, it lets the audience daydream. Especially today, amid so much ash and smoke, when the people who make movies and TV need their own escape.

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“Gelson’s is gone.” That’s what Rob Long heard the TV newscaster say solemnly as he watched flames engulf the grocery store. Rob loved that now burned-down market off Sunset in the Palisades, now in the midst of catastrophic loss. All kinds of industry folk — executives, crews, a couple of famous faces — also did. Now with an industry-wide contraction, he understands you might be asking yourself: “Is it time to go?” But the industry’s best trait has always been to ignore and adjust. And start again.

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As a 24-year-old aspiring screenwriter in L.A., Rob Long didn’t have the money or job prospects to purchase a $400 leather jacket. So, naturally, he did. As luck had it, Rob got his first job as a TV writer a few weeks later. And now, decades later — and oft-bemoaning how things used to be better — he reflects on his good fortune, and why he shares it with a charity helping homeless youth right here on Hollywood Blvd. All while asking you to keep going long enough to appreciate your lucky selves to be in this business. 

Head to My Friend’s Place, Rob’s charity of choice, to help support youth experiencing homelessness.

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From the moment the fatal shooting of UnitedHealthcare’s CEO hit the news until the arrest of suspect Luigi Mangione in a McDonald’s, every loudmouth had a theory about the killer and his motive. You see, whether it’s a murder case, the Middle East or Hollywood’s upheaval, the know-it-alls all pretend they have all the answers. But society needs them, argues Rob Long. After all, who else would greenlight anything? 

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Look deeply into the eyes of many of the team surrounding Donald Trump and you might find the same hollow and exhausted looks ubiquitous on the faces of talent managers, agents and executives. You see, that’s because the past and future president is a lot like an insane director or temperamental movie star. And it’s why this industry is the one best equipped to advise that one.

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A TV writers room can be a cranky, hostile place. Rob Long and his colleagues spend their days arguing over which story beats to keep, whose joke is funnier, and what to order for lunch. But is it better when that chaos happens with people you’ve worked with before or strangers? An academic study gave Rob the answer.

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The next few weeks are going to be tough, a little bit like being force-fed goat cheese if you are Rob Long. So in this current toxic political environment, or really in any uncomfortable situation forced upon you, Rob has some simple advice. Use the word ‘huh’ — the one magic word that saves you from further confrontation.

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The Ankler recently launched The Ladder, a hub for early career entertainment professionals, which has Rob Long wondering one thing: What are these people thinking? Gone are the days where a 24-year-old like Rob could come to L.A. and months later be staffed on a show like Cheers, or make a lot of money specializing in just story beats or jokes. Today, you have to be a “multi-hyphenate,” or, to put it in Rob’s old Hollywood lingo, a “sweat act” — able to do a little bit of everything.

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A normal person, when a friend tells them about their broke dad with cancer, think this is a sad story; this poor guy; how can I help? Not Rob Long. He latches on to the part of the story about the dad having to move in with his New-Age vegan daughter to be closer to the hospital, and begins to wonder could this be a pitch?

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We perform plastic surgery on a lot of things in Hollywood — even history. Say you’ve got an amazing true story about the highest-ranking woman in the mafia, as Rob Long once did, but you don’t know how many people she killed. Why not make it lots of them? Now it’s not quite true, it’s “based on true events,” but good enough. As Rob can attest, there’s not a story in the world — true or not — that couldn’t use a little Botox. 

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