A good chunk of us are probably buried under snow right now, so why not grab our skis and hit the slopes? While we’re at it, we might as well crank some obscure 80s Swedish hair metal but be careful - they rock so hard that their music sometimes causes avalanches! It should be fine… What’s worse is there’s a murderous group of Hills Have Eyes knockoffs chilling in the nearby factory and definitely not enough lighting on set to show the viewer who’s killing who. That’s 1985’s BLOOD TRACKS in a nutshell (we think - it was really dark) and we’re digging ourselves out of that fluffy white stuff this week; we may even shovel some snow!

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Few horror tropes get our blood pumping quite like a little heavy metal and Satanic panic, so you must be wondering why it took us this long to get to THE GATE 2: THE TRESPASSERS (1990). Well, we don’t have a good answer for that, but we DO have a good reason for picking it now, and it has a lot to do with this baby turning 35 and our recent desire to celebrate such things on the show. Plus there’s a lot of demon poop in this one, which is objectively hilarious. So now we ask you, what would you wish for if you had summoned an 8” demon capable of making it come true (and then turn it into the aforementioned poop)… Quick suggestion, probably avoid getting your drunk dad his pilot job back right out of the gate…

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Our tradition of letting listeners vote on the first movie of the year for us has once again led to the most obvious choice: more kinder trauma! If you’re a millenial and weren’t homeschooled in the late 80s, you were scarred like the rest of us by the visual of Christopher Lloyd’s eyeballs falling out in the family favorite WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? (1988), and we’re here to remind you about it. Welcome to the new year, try not to get dropped in a vat of caustic, toon-killing chemicals, ok?

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You know what’s crazy? The fact that as of today, Willem Dafoe has now starred in not one, but TWO Nosferatu films. A24’s retelling is now playing in theaters and so we decided now would be a perfect time to discuss a perfect movie about Count Orlock, SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE (2000). You’ve got Dafoe as a vampire playing a vampire in a vampire silent film, and John Malkovich as the myopic director who doesn’t mind a little murder here and there as long as his movie gets made. Is this the most quotable vampire movie of all time? We’re here to argue that it is!

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Check out Matt's new podcast "Christian Cringe"

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Gather round, kids - we’ve got a heartwarming story for you about a Christmas long ago (1990) in a magical place called “Houston” where a detective on a mission encounters an alien with an arm-mounted drain snake to create space heroin to take back to his planet. There is also a gang called the White Boys (really!) who dress like finance bros who want to get their hands on that sweet, sweet space heroin too. And as a bonus, the alien has a killer flying CD attack. It’s a lot to process, so sit back and let your uncles Matt, Scott and Kyle tell you all about DARK ANGEL, aka I COME IN PEACE! In the words of whoever greenlit this insane concept, “let it snow, let it snow, let it snow” and we don’t mean the stuff that falls from the sky when it’s cold.

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There’s a Friday the 13th in December, so grab your Santa hat and hockey mask because we’re celebrating the holiday with one of the few remaining films from the franchise that hasn’t been covered yet, the 1984 classic FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER! Spoiler alert, it was not the actual final chapter, nor does it occur on a Friday - this is actually Sunday the 15th but really who’s counting? Time for some gratuitous “teen” nudity, Crispin Glover dancing, and some sweet, sweet Savini gore. Who’s ready to go skinny dipping in Crystal Lake?

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December is an month chock FULL of kindertrauma, so what better way to kick it off than get lost in the fever dream Disney classic THE WATCHER IN THE WOODS (1980)? The trailer seemed to pop up on every 80s-era live action Disney VHS and scarred an entire generation of kids who are now all grown up and doing podcasts… Plus it’s got Bette Davis in it! Kyle even went the extra mile and got the original sci-fi ending over to Matt and Scott so they could also enjoy how wild this film’s first cut was before the studio wimped out. Name a stray dog after a missing girl’s name backwards, it’s Horror Movie Night!

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Imagine a new take on Frankenstein’s Monster, but instead of it being a human… it’s a dog. And instead of it being horror, it’s almost pure comedy. Congrats, you’ve successfully pitched MAN’S BEST FRIEND (1993) to a cigar-smoking movie exec hopped up on enough nose candy to greenlight it! This is a very strange movie, and could only have been created in that golden age of horror between the end of second-wave slashers in the early 90s before SCREAM revitalized the genre. They were really scraping for ideas, so a Cujo-meets-Robocop was just the ticket apparently. That said, this movie is an absolute blast… as long as you’ve got your rabies shot.

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Why Full Moon didn’t do a compilation called Short Movies For Short Monsters, we may never know, but if Chucky Band wants to get in on that IP, he has our number. And if he does come to his senses, we just know he’ll kick off his comp with 1993’s DOLLMAN VS. DEMONIC TOYS. Coming in at a diminutive 64 minute runtime, with at least half of the scenes pulled from DOLLMAN (1991), DEMONIC TOYS (1992) and BAD CHANNELS (1992), this is barely a feature film, but at least it doesn’t overstay its welcome. Get down on our level and see what a foot-high alien cop does when a foul-mouthed baby doll tries to have its way with his girlfriend (also one foot tall). It’s all very confusing.

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When it comes to deciding on titles, no killer yeti movie has ever gone quite as hard as 1974’s SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED. Come on, that’s bad ass, though the badassery more or less starts and ends at the title, leaving little imagination left for the actual movie it precedes. What follows is a lot of bad acting, a little bit of plot involving college students tracking down a yeti with their professor, and a final scene with more outdated racial stereotypes than you’ve seen all year (hopefully). This one is pure 70s schlock with a surprisingly famous song about popcorn tossed in for good measure. What else would you expect from us at this point?

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