Wwwwelcome to the final episode o' the first series of Slow News – the podcast that slows the fastest moving entertainment stories right down to a soothing simmer. We're finishing on a familiar note. We're whispering Kardashians, Simpsons and Tarantino's delicious choice to cast an Aussie actor in his hotly-anticipated Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. Goodnight, folks. And as always... Say hi to your Dad for me.

Our new Bachelor, Nick Cummins, says producers wouldn't let him Cummins on the show, and Slender Man's box office debut falls flatter than Tammy Hembrow at Kylie Jenner's 21st.

We’re about to find out what it was really like in New York City for Delilah, as the 2007 tune is being made into a TV show, somehow. Elsewhere, TV execs have tapped Kelly Clarkson to host her own daytime talk show, because that would be So Fresh. And finally, we’ve got a new Batwoman – and she’s an Australian lesbian, no less.

This week we slow it right down to one very important yarn – a yarn all about how to get the attention of your crush on Instagram. This is compulsory listening for the perpetually thirsty.

What do Lindsay Lohan, Hocus Pocus and Neopets have in common? They all brought us happiness in the years 2000 through 2007. And, they're the subjects of this week's nostalgia-heavy episode of Slow News.

Say hi to your Dad for us. And feed your dang JubJub, he's starving!

This week we whisper sweet, meaty nothings about Hollywood's biggest queens, from Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan reigniting their 2006 beef tartare to Katy Perry acknowledging the public's reaction to her last album was slightly undercooked. Cher's latest ABBA-based announcement is the ideal garnish to this Slow News stew.

We know what you did last summer. You clicked on all our articles about the Kardashians. And the only thing better than reading about how much bank Kylie and Kim komand? Hearing it whiiiiiispered. Bonus round: Cardi B's birthed her baby and it's got a deeply 'dashian name.

In the kitchen, Chicken Crimpy, call it stir fry. On this week's Slow News, we whisper sweet, muscular nothings about 'Ninja Warrior', explain why 'This Is My Face Thursdays' needs to become a thing and celebrate the greatest 'Shapes' flavour of all time.

Pour yourself a warming chai and settle into Slow News, PEDESTRIAN.TV's sensuously soothing, weekly ASMR podcast. What do Corey Worthington, Bella Thorne and a sexed-up 'Sims 4' Santa have in common? They're all making headlines in our first episode. Bah humbug, baby.