Okay so, I like to maintain close friendships with my exes who are important to me, but I’m struggling with knowing and enforcing my boundaries in those relationships. It’s got to the point where I’ve introduced a new partner to an ex at an event or party and unsurprisingly they’ve got on very well - so well that on a few occasions there’s been some flirting and once or twice some deeper romantic feelings from one of them (though nothing has ever been acted upon as far as I’m aware). It seems that in an effort for everyone to feel okay, an ex and a new partner latch on to each other, but it can leave me feeling quite stressed and pushed out. Also I tend to date people that are quite extraverted and I’m more introverted/socially anxious, so their instinct when this happens is to (friendlily) assert their social position, and my instinct is to withdraw. I’m happy that my ex and new partner get along and are making an effort to make each other and themselves comfortable, but I seem to end up feeling very uncomfortable. At the same time, if my ex is important in my life, but I have a new partner or a close friend that I enjoy being friends with independently, it feels unfair and logistically difficult for me to either keep them apart or dictate the closeness of their friendship. And if I try to not invite my ex to a social event, when we’re part of a similar social world, they then understandably end up feeling hurt, and left out or pushed away. I don’t want to cut off my exes, but as I get older I seem to be developing a bigger and bigger web of complicated dynamics that is making me increasingly stressed out in social situations. It’s making me want to cut ties with everyone and leave this city! P.s. I’m queer if you hadn’t already guessed. It’s okay to set some boundaries, or to say how you’re feeling, or to ask for people to have a bit of extra care Let’s think about the ‘thisness’ of the terms ‘extroverted / introverted / socially anxious’ You seem to be disavowing your own power to act here power over and power to. It’s a complex entanglement where the affective power is moving throughout This entanglement isn’t over there, you’re in it. It is you. Instead of ‘stressed out in social situations. It’s making me want to cut ties with everyone and leave this city!’ what would you like to be instead? Imagine your best hopes came true, what will you notice?

In this first episode of ‘Second Opinion’ I give my alternative advice to someone asking for advice from another advice columnist. Here is the original advice. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/mar/12/my-wife-refuses-to-end-affair-she-enjoys-the-sex-what-should-i-do I chat about the background to newspaper advice columns, and why this one might be so short and what’s happened to advice giving generally in mainstream media. Here’s the paper I mentioned by Petra https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(15)00009-7/abstract and here’s her website https://nostartoguideme.com/ This one being so short means that it may not be long enough to be useful (I’m certain that the advice giver would give excellent advice if she were given longer). It being so short also means that it relies on repeating a common sense discourse, or a should story, of how we should be navigating sex and relationships. Then I give my advice. There are different kinds of relationship models from strict monogamy all the way to a less hierarchical way of relating that doesn’t just focus on the sexual and/or romantic kind. You could break up Why is she telling you? If it’s just about hurting you and treating you without any consent at all, it’s important for you to recognise that What boundaries can you put in How much do you want to know What can she do for you to make it easier? What other freedoms might you have? She’s had the freedom to, in what ways might you get that? Put everything on the table Use a resource, like my relationship user guide zine Perhaps doing this will reveal some cracks that might be useful, perhaps there’s something there for you to explore Also a line of flight. Let’s say that you decide to stay together and have this perfect relationship even though you aren’t having the sex which you (presumably) would still like to have. How would you know? What difference would it make? If you were able to take this otherwise perfect relationship, how would you, as a team, assemblage, manage this with consent, safety and maximum pleasure?

Hey! My question is about transitioning and sex. First some background information: My partner is non-binary and I'm genderqueer. Both are assigned female at birth. My partner's "gender journey" has been difficult, but I think they are finally coming into their own (they have been having trans affirming medical care). We have been together for six years. For the first two years we used to have regular sex, and my partner would usually take initiative. After figuring out their gender, the recurrence of sex has become less and less, and now we go months without having sex or more intimacy than light kisses and some cuddling. Their difficulties have a lot to do with ___________ I'm at my wit's end, getting more and more desperate to have intimacy with my partner. Even talking about it makes them stressed, ashamed and sad. So I feel like there is nothing I can do - I can't initiate (they feel pressured) or try to talk about it with them. We have gone to couple's therapy before, which has helped us in understanding each other more and better communicate, but when it comes to sex we are stuck. Some part of me hopes that getting _________ will help, but of course, there is no certainty in that. A year ago I almost broke up with my partner (some other things were going on, but most of it stems from lack of intimacy), and although we recommitted, I think my partner still feels very insecure about it. I feel hopeless, rejected, unattractive (although my partner tries to reassure me it's not me) and - to be honest - sexually frustrated. I really don't know what to do! My partner expresses that they would like to have sex in theory, but rarely feel like it. The few times we have sex it is good (as far as I can tell for both parts). How can I navigate this? What can I do to help my partner? Sorry for a very long question, I hope you will try to answer it :) Firstly I say I'm sorry that this sounds really difficult. I talked about my own experience of being in a long relationship with little sex and that we broke up (and I'm now very happy). I said that I would return to this at the end as an option, but didn't. So just to say here, you could in fact break up. Might help to get away from trying to find cause and effect, or problem and solution. Gets us away from particular aspects of the gender transition having a particular affect Everything is matter and it's all related to each other, which means that things can have self causing causes. What does that idea do? Sex can be a place where gender becomes Puberty (here's my puberty resource at BISH https://www.bishuk.com/bodies/puberty/ ) Instead of making your bodies do what they were doing before together, what else can they do? The body without organs? We don't know what the body is capable of Different kinds of sex / intimacy. Here's that episode about gender affirming therapy https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/gender-affirming-therapy Different kinds of relationships The exception! When you do have sex what is good? How do you know? Best hopes conversation

"Background: I am a queer nonbinary person, in a relationship with another queer nonbinary person. In this case it's relevant to note that we both are people with vulvas. I’ve had lots of sexual experience with men with penises before this relationship but I haven’t for the last few years. I now find myself dreaming about it, especially when I’m ovulating. I also experience discomfort at not being able to have both a penis and a vagina. In a dream world I'd be able to have one, both, neither. My question: is it 'ethical' / 'ok' to look for a friendship with a penis-haver where I can explore touching/holding a penis, perhaps experiment with some penetration (of me)? I loved this part of my teenage relationships. Or is this fetishisation? Could it come under the category of kink? Aren't people often into the genitals of other people? I feel like this kind of friendship it would need to be someone I can have a lot of trust with, therefore likely to be a queer person. I feel like I can't put this in a Feeld bio or anything, as it will upset people, very understandably. But don't know how to go about it, or if I could as it will upset people, very understandably. But don't know how to go about it, or if I could."

I dated someone who was about to become a spiritual leader / teacher a decade ago and completely left the religion. I can’t help but think their first love was God. He never been in a relationship and had said ‘I don’t know how to love one person let alone more right now’ when speaking of polyamory. He has a lot of shame and had a alot of sex outside intimacy. But with me, He was present, made so much effort when I fitted around his schedule. I started saying I miss him and expressed I liked him because I wasn’t clear where this was going. after three months he ended the relationship - infuriating as his excuse was ‘I’m just not feeling what I’m supposed to be feeling at three months’ (Rich for someone who dismisses And avoids talking of feelings) . I know I have rejection issues and I know where they come from. With that comes the danger to always hope and recognise potential. I have so much empathy for this person . It’s not a question, so this isn’t an answer. Perhaps I can give you a mapping of what appears to be going on, what unappears to be going on, and a line of flight which might help you in your becoming …. “Never been in a relationship” “I don’t know how to love one person” It seems from the get go that this was someone who was communicating that they either couldn’t give you a kind of relationship you wanted, or would find it very difficult. How do we do relationships with people who don’t know how to do them? “With you he was present, made so much effort when you fitted around his schedule.” What were you pleased to notice about yourself in those days? Write them down? “I miss him and expressed I liked him because it wasn’t clear where this was going” What if we say we like someone without it where being unclear about something is going is actually really good? Territorialisation - deterritorialisation - reterritorialisation. Little islands. Rhizomes that couldn’t map onto each other. A non-relation rather than an emergence. “Rejection issues and I know where they come from.” I’m not sure I know what rejection issues are. An acute sense of pain from rejection, or a more chronic pain of rejection. Is it a fear of rejection or some kind of welcoming of them? Are the rejection issues ‘the thing about you’ or do they do something? How do you know? Let’s frame this as a best hope: what difference would it make if you didn’t have rejection issues? What would you have or be or become instead? Knowings: first love was god. A lot of shame. Dismisses and avoids talk of feelings. With that comes the danger to always hope and recognise potential Or with that comes the possibilities of hope and recognising potential? What if the rejection issues gave you a certain power to act that, if you could act on it in a particular way, could be really helpful for you? I have so much empathy for this person What does that do? What if your empathy was another superpower which could be turned on the whole of the external world around you? What if that included you? A more than human perspective Refrains - how you might deterritorialise them. Changing tunes, rhythms, words. Best hopes not deficits. Abundance not scarcity. Possibilities not lack.

Hi Justin, Thanks for making such and thoughtful and insightful podcast. I just saw your message, and I have a Q that you may be able to use. Which is - why, now that I’m in a healthy and supportive relationship (for a couple of years now) do I still feel hurt, angry, confused etc. about an ex that I dated for only a few months, over three years ago? Someone who wasn’t very supportive and ended up letting me down during a difficult period in my life. I thought I’d moved past these feelings, and feel very content and loved in my relationship now. But every now and then I hear a bit of news about this ex, who moves in vaguely the same circles, and old painful feelings seem to come back up and are difficult to shake off. I don’t want to get back with this person at all, but I do fantasise about them reaching out to apologise to me, and what I would say back. I also imagine how their life has fallen apart without me (!) and any news that contradicts that narrative really bothers me. I have a good therapist who I’ve talked to a lot about this, but the thoughts and feelings are still there. Why is it taking so long to move past this? Thanks Justin! I’m sorry to hear this, it does sound like tough stuff. Feeling hurt, angry, confused are tough emotions and I’m sure a lot of us in the CSR assemblage will have some identification with your situation - I know I do. There's more of a fulsome written summary of the response here at the Patreon version https://www.patreon.com/posts/104580350 https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching

"Hey good afternoon! I have a question that could be easily summarized as 'How to deal with "fomo" in non-monogamous/poly/RA relationships?'. (Fomo: fear of missing out.) And to give a bit more information: When I was in a polyamorous relationship for over a year I noticed I sometimes struggled with complicated feelings around missing out on (important) events/activities my then partner would attend with their other partner/s. They seemed to also have a hard time dealing with their partners feeling of 'fomo' and dividing activities. It made me think of how to handle things myself in the future if I would have multiple partners. I think there's a part that has to do with unpacking (het)normative scripts around dating but I haven't managed to detangle everything myself and would love to hear your take on it. I don't think it matters but I'm a queer non-binary person :) Whatever happens to this question, thanks for taking the time to read it." Fear of missing out, let’s explore that What is fear and what are we fearing? Are we fearing an emotion, such as sad (or even joy)? What would it mean to feel a sadness of missing out? What would that do? Sadness, loss, a reduced capacity to act. How can we organise our relationships so that it’s abundant? If we’re doing abundant relating, we’re doing win win relating. There is no missing out. ‘Making polyamory work for you’ Abundant relating examples and how they might be rhizomatic Perhaps we also should question the binary around ‘doing the thing’ = good, not doing the thing = bad. What is the thing we’re missing out on? We could all do with watching some more snooker I think. Do we have to experience everything our partner feels? Like Yoko and John? Duchamp’s door might be a way for us to find a way to joy? What’s the very first sign of a SOMO leading towards a place of JOMO. Or just, joy? https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/staying-with-feelings-in-relationships/ https://loveuncommon.com/2019/09/20/taking-your-emotional-temperature/

My problem is around polyamory and non-hierarchy. Specifically, how to deal with loving or caring about some partners more, or feeling more strongly for them, while maintaining a non-hierarchical relationship style. I currently have three partners, one long distance. One of the two local partners recently mentioned that they might move away, and raised the possibility of becoming long distance. I realised I’m not particularly interested in doing that, and I’d rather break up. I do love and care about them, and I don’t want to break up, but I don’t feel motivated enough to do the work of maintaining long distance with them. But I feel like saying this when I already have a long distance partner will hurt them intensely, and show that I just don’t feel as strongly about them as my other partner who is long distance, which unfortunately is true. I know I could say that I just don’t think our specific relationship would work well long distance, but that feels dishonest when I’ve come to realise that I just… don’t feel as invested in staying together as I did when my other partner moved away. How do I navigate this? I feel so guilty. Sounds hard Hierarchies Discourses What does it do, rather than what it is Consensual non monogamy, consent being the freedom to choose to agree and to have the capacity to make that choice How the decisions are being made Duchamp’s door Instead of being a self how about becoming a bush Lines of flight

"Hi Justin my favourite episode of yours and Meg-John's is 'disagreeing with people'. I've listened over 10 times. Despite this I still find myself getting into pointless heated discussions/arguments that leave me very upset specifically about trans issues but could be any marginalised group. This is in person one to one, not online, I don't respond on social media. How can I stop getting drawn in to doing this? I'm wasting my energy, but find certain things people say draw me in I can't help challenging it. I have multiple marginalised/intersectional identities and am gender non conforming but not trans myself. Thanks for all the work you put in to the podcast- its part of my self care." https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/disagreeing-with-people/ Why it’s pointless You’re not engaging in the discussion for the same reason (you might want to change their mind, they might just want to get you riled) People rarely change their mind right there and then Challenging is different from disagreements (How to challenge without locking horns) Who is the subject and who is the object or other? Who is who’s mommy / daddy How your role as the other might actually be making things worse? Thoughts on materialism and what disagreements vs challenging does. Do we need to challenge or disagree? What does it do? Why you’re getting drawn in Perhaps in some way they are your object or other? You might want to think about times when you haven’t been drawn in (eg on social media), what have you done instead. What else might you do or be? Advice on how to just notice when we become conscious through affect/feeling : emotion : thoughts : actions Here’s the podcast about Jacob Johannsen’s excellent book https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/jacob-johannsen-fantasy-online-misogyny-and-the-manosphere https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

Just a quick advice episode this week as I feel like I've talked a lot about orgasms lately on the show. But first there's some really lovely correspondence about when you, the assemblage, feel like the body without organs. More of this is particularly welcome! https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

“I often struggle with unpicking what of my feelings is really 'mine' and what's internalised homophobia/transphobia/sexism/sex negativity etc. As a result I really struggle to trust myself, and become anxious, worrying that I'm unconsciously repeating harmful patterns. I know that identities aren't fixed, that we're all constantly evolving and all in relation to one another. I suppose really, with this all in mind, my question is: how do we work towards being authentically ourselves and trusting ourselves around sexual/gender identity? How do we hold space for our own feelings (both physical and emotional) whilst also combatting all the crap that we are imbued with by society?” Here’s A Thousand Plateaus (free pdfs are available online) https://www.upress.umn.edu/book-division/books/a-thousand-plateaus Here’s that really interesting podcast episode I think I mentioned by Jeremy Gilbert https://culturepowerpolitics.org/2024/02/03/introducing-affect/ His book Common Ground is really great Here’s more about Antonio Damasio https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antonio_Damasio The name of the theorist I’d forgotten was Vicki Kirby and her idea about nothing being outside of nature is in this piece I think Here’s an article I wrote at BISH the other day which explains the different ways of thinking about the self https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/how-to-impress-someone-you-like/ Here’s more information about my coaching service https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching and you can contact me and find other resources here https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel Hope we all found this useful and become the body without organs at some point this week. Let me know if you do! Justin