Attorneys yearn for the commute.

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Sullivan & Cromwell are bringing attorneys back to the office five days a week. The stated reason is to mirror "normal business hours" which is a cruel joke in an abnormal business hour industry. Democratic Party superlawyer Marc Elias faces an uprising at his firm after staff proposed a mandatory arbitration agreement despite many of his top clients openly campaigning on... banning mandatory arbitration agreements. Finally, Wilson Sonsini hands out bonuses but pulls a fast one with special payments.

Statutes are hard.

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Apparently, Clarence Thomas just didn't understand how to read the nearly 50-year-old statute requiring him to report massively expensive gifts. That's the Judicial Conference's official take in a new letter to the Senate panel looking into the ethical cesspool. The letter becomes public just as Chief Justice Roberts releases his annual report asserting that most criticism of the Court should be seen as improper intimidation and even violence. Before the holidays, we discussed Biglaw firms bucking the trend and not paying out special bonuses. Happy to report that they've reversed course.

A very jolly podcast.

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It's a very special holiday episode of Thinking Like A Lawyer with three straight "Ho" stories. First, Hogan Lovells irks associates with a bonus announcement without matching the industry standard special bonuses. Meanwhile, law enforcement just can't help making Luigi Mangione look more like a sexy martyr and now someone claiming to be UnitedHealthcare is trying to assert ownership of his likeness. And Judge James Ho walks back his prior support for birthright citizenship now that it might cost him a job on the Supreme Court.

Bringing new meaning to the court's order.

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Can lunch save professional civility? Almost assuredly not, but one judge is going to try. Partnership isn't what it used to be. Instead of long careers with equity ownership, partners are making lateral jumps with more frequency than ever. More out of the murder of a Kentucky judge earlier this year... "running a brothel out of that courtroom" sounds ominous.

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(00:00)Small Talk

(02:15)Mysterious Drone Sightings

(07:20)Lawyer Lunch Date

(12:03)Laterals Aren't Loving This Biglaw Firm

(19:15)Slain Judge Accused Of 'Running A Brothel Out Of That Courtroom'

Elon's got some thoughts on the judicial system.

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Elon Musk says his AI will be able to deliver judicial opinions as soon as he feeds it "all" the cases. It will not, but his impulse sheds some light on a disturbing lack of respect for the rule of law. A pair of judges planning to take senior status as soon as Biden confirmed their successors have withdrawn their plans after the Senate sat on their proposed openings. And law school applications are up big time... and that's not good news for a lot of students.

Get it? Combining two of the stories into one relevant title? 

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A pregnant law student sought modest accommodations when finals came over her due date. The school rejected the request saying, "Motherhood is not for the Faint of Heart." It did not go over well with fellow students. Or alumni. Or faculty. Or pretty much anyone. Drake accused the music industry of conspiring to help Kendrick demolish him in rap battle. RICO claims? They really not like us. Finally, Jonathan Turley accused liberal rage for the disturbing swatting attack he suffered. When his theory of the case turned out to be... wildly and completely wrong, he took a swipe at Joe. And missed.

'Hey, please don't open this' is not a policy.

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A law firm left its confidential internal documents with juicy information unprotected and was shocked, SHOCKED to find out attorneys read them. Pam Bondi is next at bat for the Attorney General job. While her decision to drop an official investigation into Trump University conveniently after he started supporting her will get a lot of attention, don't sleep on the TAIL of her fight over another family's dog. And, finally, we have an un-bear-ably wild tale of a "bear" attack on luxury cars.

00:00 Small Talk

03:10 Happy Thanksgiving

07:00 Biglaw Associates Caught Reading Private Emails

14:03 Goodbye Matt Gaetz, Hello Pam Bondi

17:26 Pam Bondi’s Dog Drama

23:04 The Bear That Attacked Luxury Cars

Also... Matt Gaetz as Attorney General is something we have to contemplate?

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The Federalist Society conference included a tour de force in rhetorical fallacy from the Fifth Circuit's Judge Edith Jones, suggesting that it's an attack on the "rule of law" to talk about court reform and that such criticism results in death threats! Very cool. Very judicial. We also have a disturbing story out of Biglaw, and discuss the instant reaction to Matt Gaetz being nominated to serve as Attorney General and the dumbest takes that nomination has inspired.

00:00 Small Talk

5:53 The National Lawyers Convention & Judge Jones

24:29 Biglaw Partner Removed After Wife's Remains Found

30:00 Misc. Stories

34:14 Closing Remarks

The race is on.

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It's the most wonderful time of the year! Milbank continues to relish its role as the Pied Piper of Biglaw bonuses, once again jumping the traditional late November bonus announcement kickoff to set the bar for 2024 annual bonuses. We also learned that a number of firms make non-equity pay a share of the partnership expenses despite holding no equity. And one partner out there is using work email to complain about the neighbors with offensive terminology.

That Governing Document Can't Stop Me Because I Can't Read!

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Sammy Alito openly defies the Constitution with European knighthood. Chicago Law tapes classes but isn't interested in letting students actually use those recordings. Students are, unsurprisingly, pissed. Professor Richard Epstein brags about replacing scientists with judges. Yes, the same guy who said COVID would only kill 500 people and got the first Trump administration sold on the idea. And mark your calendars for the lawyer movie from Hallmark's holiday season.

Also, Tiffany may be number 1 in his heart (she's not), but she's also not number 1 in her class.

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Of all the iconic lines from Dr. Strangelove, maybe the best is "You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!" Recently, Harvard began punishing students (and faculty) for silent library protests while studying almost as though maintaining a "non-disruptive atmosphere" isn't the school's real concern. Donald Trump brags about Tiffany Trump's class ranking... even though her law school doesn't rank students. And states are preparing for the Supreme Court to launch a large-scale rollback on rights.