What does it mean to be a good husband?

Many men we work with were trained to take care of everyone else before themselves. They often feel burnt out, and like they don't get nearly as much back as they give.

If you've ever felt like you've tried everything you can to make your woman happy, but this only results in both of you being miserable ... you might be able to relate.

Or perhaps you've lived some version of, "No matter how hard I try to please her -- how much I do -- it's never enough."

Here, we talk about why this is. If he's bending over backwards to do what he thinks she wants, why doesn't it work?

The answer lies in part with polarity, in part with childhood trauma (because of course), and in part with the fallacies of being a lone wolf.

Related questions we cover:

• What does it mean to be a provider in modern times? (Hint: It's got nothing to do with money)
• How does this pattern impact sexual polarity?
• If it's not about sacrifice, then what does it actually mean to be a good husband?

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “If we’re used to taking care of everyone else, we’ll often attract someone who needs to be taken care of.”
• “The trouble with ‘please and appease’ is that it leads to deep resentments.”
• “We have this fantasy that if she were happy, she'd naturally give me what I need, whether sexual connection, support, time, etc.”
• “When we feel a partner not respecting themselves, it causes contempt or disdain.”
• “What it means to be a provider is changing.”
• “The most valuable status is connection to community.”
• “Our relationships should be a source of wellness.”

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 196: Were you a child of emotional neglect?
• Dear Men 345: The 4 male "types" who partner with Borderline women (Borderline Personality Disorder)
• Dear Men 292: Sex life with your wife not where you want it to be? This could be the culprit

If you've ever been with an emotionally volatile partner or perhaps suspected that you yourself might be emotionally volatile, you hopefully already know about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). (And if you haven't, we have lots of episodes on the subject!)

Here, we talk to a therapist whose clientele is largely comprised of those contending with BPD. What's it like to be a therapist who works with clients with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? What are some of the big challenges and greatest rewards?

"Can BPD be treated?" "Is it possible to recover from BPD?" "How does therapy work when it comes to BPD?" are a few common questions -- all of which we address.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Then I will see the ‘flip’ take place."
• "There can be this, ‘How dare you?’ response — or, ‘Are you saying I’m bad?’"
• "Ideally I’m asking people to talk about it instead of acting it out."
• "The treatment takes place in the relational field between us (client and practitioner)."
• "I’m inviting people to communicate instead of act out their hurt or distress."
• "The core feature is the fear of abandonment … being left or rejected."
• "There can be chronic feelings of emptiness that people describe (which can be related to a lack of sense of self)."
• "Partners will often talk about the intense anger outbursts."
• "The hallmark defense mechanism is splitting, which is seeing people or situations as all good or all bad."
• "No one is there for me and no one will ever be there for me. Everyone lets me down. I desperately want to be taken care of, but I can’t trust anyone to take care of me."
• "Over and over again, there is going to be rupture and repair, which is the experience that this person did not have early on."

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Setareh Vatan's Psychology Today profile
• RBeyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder Paperback – edited by Gunderson & Hoffman
• Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder – by Rachel Reiland

Ever wanted to be a fly on the wall while women talked about their dating stories? Ever wondered what the men who have women feel both safe and turned on have in common?

Here, four of us women discuss a specific skill that men have shown that has us feel taken care of and turned on. It boosts polarity like crazy, and it's relevant whether or not you're dating casually or you're in a committed, long-term relationship.

What's extra intriguing is that while this is a relatively easy skill to master, it's not one that a lot of men know about. (We can guarantee that because it's pretty rare in the dating world!)

If you want to be able to lead women in such a way that has them feel special, lit up, and excited to see you ... listen on.

Bonus? When a woman feels safe and turned on, she's far more likely to fall in love.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Does a part of you ever feel like just giving up? It's too much, it's too heavy, it's too complicated, it's too hard. Or has it ever felt like, "What's the point?"

The truth is, we all have points in our lives when we feel overwhelmed. This can also show up in the, "Here I am again… I’m in the SAME SPOT. I always circle back to this.'"

If you're single, perhaps it's: "Nothing's working in dating." If you're partnered, it could be: "I'm trying and trying, but nothing’s working to get us reconnected."

Or as Jason says, "In my relationship, it would be anytime that I would get activated into feeling like I’m not enough."

Here we go into what's happening on a physiological level when this part is showing up for you -- the two poles. These are dorsal shutdown — disassociation/sleepy/collapsed/yawning; and sympathetic overdrive — hyper/activated/manic/wired/anger.

We talk about how to recognize these states, and what to do it when you do. Hint: "Connection and movement are two of the most important things. And sometimes to shift our mindset, we have to shift our body first."

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Our whole system just shuts down, and we’re frozen or disassociated."
• “What’s the point of trying? What’s the point of getting angry? What’s the point of connecting with someone online? It’s not going to change.”
• "It’s a deep place of suffering when we don’t feel like we have agency over our own life."
• "Rumination — our mind is racing but our body isn’t moving."
• "The optimal place is in the middle: We’re engaged, and we’re relaxed."
• "One of the ways we get back to that relaxed state is through social connection."
• "One breath, one step."
• “If we can be with it, we can be free from it.”

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 196: Were you a child of emotional neglect?

Ever feel like you need to be tough in order to be seen as "masculine" enough? Ever feel like you wish you could just let your guard down and be taken care of?

The truth is, it is a deep human need to be nurtured in relationship. It's neither masculine nor feminine, and we need to expand our awareness of and perception of love, relationship, and what it means to be taken care of, whether we're dating or in a committed long-term relationship.

Men need to feel safe, desired, and received just as much as women do. The shape that takes might differ, but the underlying need remains the same.

Here we delve into the wonderful world of feeling nurtured. I share personal stories from men in our community of moments when they've felt deeply nurtured by their women partners, as well as what nurturing means to them.

In love and even in sex, some of the most memorable moments are not those in which we feel red-hot desire, but when we feel the sweetness of connection.

This is part two of a two-part series on nurturing. For those who want to listen to both, the first is episode 343.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've go tit.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I feel nurtured when I am told I am fully seen, trusted, and loved for all that I am as I am."
• "The bravery to feel worthy."
• "We relate to men through roughness, and women through sex."
• "You can’t meet me where I’m at if you don’t see me."
• "The patriarchy says: 'I’ve got to do it by myself and without complaining and tough it out no matter what.'"
• "We have to take the mask off for somebody."

"Porn was the #1 relationship I had in terms of intimacy."

So says Jason on his experience of sex, love, and closeness in his 20s. (Fortunately, after engaging in personal growth, including men's work, he's now married to a radiant goddess!)

If you've ever struggled with your relationship to porn -- and if that has also impacted your relationship to sex and sexuality, you're far from alone. Countless clients of ours start out with a challenging dynamic with porn, and here's the truth: Porn use isn't really about porn. Weed use isn't really about weed, either.

When it comes to using weed, porn & masturbation, and other substances like alcohol, as Luke puts it, "It’s almost always covering up deeper material that men do not know how to handle."

The good news? There are lots of ways to handle that material, safe spaces within which to process it, and a TON of energy, vitality, and joy on the other side.

Remember: Personal growth works, so work it.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “When I watch porn, I have the freedom to experience pleasure and the freedom to not experience rejection.”
• “Gimme the weed again because I don’t want to feel the Shame Guy!”
• “We all do things to avoid feeling the thing that we don’t want to feel.”
• “Emotion starts as sensation in the body.”
• “Most of what ails you can be significantly soothed by connection.”

Most of us, on our growth journeys, become aware that we need to heal from some kind of trauma. We also often discover that we need more than talk therapy.

Altered states have been used since time immemorial to help us on our healing paths, and can be particularly helpful in trauma healing. And while plant medicine (ayahuasca, psilocybin (magic mushrooms), MDMA, psychedelics like wachuma/peyote) can be a strong ally, it also has certain drawbacks and limitations.

Fortunately there's another way to get into altered states that requires no substances: Breathwork.

Here we outline the differences between plant medicine and breathwork. We also discuss how breathwork can help folks heal from attachment wounding (anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or disorganized attachment, which is a mix of both).

And we talk about the bodymind's inherent knowledge of how to heal. Breathwork can help us unlock our own deeper wisdom.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "The next stage of evolution is self-inquiry."
• "Consciousness expands in such a way that says, ‘I need help.'"
• "I have this deep desire to expand."
• "Beneath that knot of unworthiness is ultimate consciousness."
• "The core intention is to open the heart, and to heal."

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Book: Conscious Breathing: How Shamanic Breathwork Can Transform Your Life by Joy Manné
• Breathwork Breakthrough (advanced course led by me and Luke, starting mid-March. Email dearmenpodcast@gmail.com for more info)

A common pattern in a lot of love relationships sounds like one partner (often a man, in a man/woman dynamic) saying things like:

• "I wish you weren’t so busy with the kids."
• "You never dress up for me anymore."
• "I wish you'd flirt with me more."
• "You hide yourself from me; I never really see your body anymore."
• "I wish we had more sex."

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What's driving this, and how does a couple navigate it skillfully? A lot of men yearn for more sexual connection with their partner -- but it's not just about the sex. And the way a lot of men go about talking about this with their woman partner ends up being triggering for the woman.

Here we discuss what we've witnessed in terms of men's deep desire for not just sex, but their partner's enthusiastic participation. And we dive right into what's even underneath that: The ache to feel her feminine essence.

This is about more than just incorporating sex toys or trying out a new position. This is about the depth and power and range of the open feminine. Get ready for a hell of a ride!

Memorable quotes from this episode

• “I wasn’t open and didn’t know how to open.”
• “To the men, it’s like a vitamin.”
• “It’s the sense of aliveness as it changes moment to moment.”
• “A lot of times what women are hearing is, ‘I’m not enough.’”
• “I want to feel lust for life! I want to feel playful and lighthearted and irreverent.”
• “The essence of the feminine is desire and emotion.”
• “When women are in their full range, the relationship accelerates.”
• “I want you to enjoy it; I want you feel your pleasure and your desire, and I know that’s in you.”

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Please Her In Bed: A Course for Men, Designed by Women (www.pleaseherinbed.com)
• ROSE Code by Violet Lange: www.violetlange.com/rosecode

Have you ever felt unworthy, less than, or "deeply ugly and stupid," as my guest this week put it?

The fact is, we need all the support we can get. We need it from our fellow humans, and we need it from something greater.

The word "God" can be very triggering -- for those who experienced religious trauma growing up (which, let's face it, is literally billions of people), it can be a dirty word.

Yet the concept of Life -- aka Divine Intelligence, the Field, Spirit, etc. -- can be extraordinarily transformative when it comes to our everyday lives, and how we experience love itself.

What is your relationship to Life, nature, the interconnected web? Do you feel held by something greater? How does this relate to your experience with sex, dating, and relationships? And what's really behind our patterns and how to we grow beyond them?

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I thought I was deeply ugly, and stupid."
• "In the opening, something is allowed to arise through."
• "Something more important than my pain took centerstage."
• "You don’t have to ‘do’ the miracle; you just have to be open to the miracle."
• "Let nature move in between the relationship."
• "Make way for the mystery."

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Book: Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver
• Dear Men 305: GuyTalk: Overcoming Religious Trauma

Is it painful for you when you feel that your woman is closed? Do you long for more ways to help her open up fully? (Not just sexually, but that is included!)

Most dating and relationship advice doesn't include the concept of polarity and the three stages of relationship, but it can be nothing less than magical when worked with properly.

According to polarity work (originated primarily by David Deida), there are two primary forces in dating, relationships and sex: alpha energy (what we sometimes refer to as masculine) and omega energy (aka feminine energy).

The vast majority of omega partners have a deep longing to surrender to a trustable partner. They want to be able to be fully expressed and be met.

Yet in many cases, they feel like they're too much. Their emotions are too much; they're too fiery; they feel like they'll never be able to fully express themselves with a partner.

The lesser-known part of polarity work involves the three stages. As we grow in relationships, we have the capacity to graduate from stage 1 (rigid roles, often dictated by society), to stage 2 (we rely on talking to resolve tension), to stage three — which brings us to this episode. 

In polarized stage three relationships we bring in creativity, embodiment, and edgy play. We use breath, sound, and movement to move through tension or discomfort between us. Stage three is exciting, risky, and powerful. And as Jason puts it, "it tends to *wake us up* as men."

If you want to lead your woman into depths of safety, red-hot sex, and surrender in ways neither of you has perhaps ever experienced ways — if you want to help her feel even more of her heart, her spirit, and her sex, listen on.

Note: Credit to David Deida’s work on the stages of relationship and polarity. 

Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "Through your direction, you can invite expression."
• "In stage two we just want it to end. In stage three it’s like, 'Bring it all. Let’s ride this wave.'"
• "You don’t have to do nearly as much as you think."
• "Tell me that again, but like a hippo."

Ever been with a woman partner who was emotionally volatile? Ever felt like you were walking on eggshells, or that no matter what you did it wasn't enough and she was always disappointed in you?

If so, she may have had Borderline Personality Disorder ... or at least traits of it.

More people are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) than schizophrenia and bipolar combined, yet few are familiar with it. Some mental health professionals estimate that a whopping 10% of the population contends with BPD, which psychologists are working to get renamed Emotional Regulation Disorder.

Here, we break down the 4 archetypes of Borderline women, and their male counterparts. Much of this is gleaned from Christine Lawson's book Understanding the Borderline Mother.

We also go over the ways each of the male archetypes can heal from the intense and unstable, exhausting, and often depleting relationship dynamics involved.

Remember: growth and healing are always possible, and nothing is set in stone. Personal growth works, so work it.

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder
• Dear Men episode 313: GuyTalk: Life after being with a BPD partner (Borderline Personality Disorder)
• Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (book)
• Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship (book)
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents (book)
• Subreddit for BPD Loved Ones

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Want to support wildfire survivors in the LA area?

Go here. They list the families in the most dire need at the top. The long URL is:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1pK5omSsD4KGhjEHCVgcVw-rd4FZP9haoijEx1mSAm5c/htmlview

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "'Children are the first to recognize and the last to admit that something is wrong with their mother.'" (from Understanding the Borderline Mother)
• "My wife is the fortress and I’m here to protect that."
• "There’s a theme of icing people out."
• "I’m willing to leave the relationship if you/we don’t get help."
• "You CAN change your patterns of attraction."