Why pay more? For far less than the hourly rate of a psychiatrist, David Waldman can address much of the anxiety that you, and he, suffer beneath the surface of each day. Dollar for dollar, KITM sooths and informs better than most barbers, bartenders, or even Uber drivers. Try some today!

While you’re doing that, do something else! There’s plenty to be done and you’re the one to do it. You have to do it, no one else is going to do it, they are too busy doing their part. Don’t make us tariff you.

Yesterday, Donald K. Trump pitched the world into a steep nosedive, before parachuting out somewhere over the Doral golf course. What was he thinking?

Great minds struggle to decipher and explain Trump’s tariff calculations, failing to consider that tiny minds came up with it. Actually, it’s not difficult to see that these tariffs are just another way to leverage and measure acquiescence and obsequence.

How can the Democrats ever pull us out of this horrible spin? IEEPA!

Don’t ask Trump anything about SignalGate. Don’t ask him about anything. Please don’t ask him about his $5 million instant citizen gold card.

Interim and future U.S. attorney for the District of Columbia, Ed Martin is as Trumpy as they come, alarming federal prosecutors across the political spectrum. There’s no point along any spectrum unalarmed by Laura Loomer, who unfortunately has Trump’s rear, uh, “ear” to whisper sweet enemy lists into. The 5th floor window that General Timothy Haugh, the director of the National Security Agency and US Cyber Command was shoved out of was in fact, not literal, as the deep state had all of office windows sealed due to “the environment”.

South Koreans are still puzzling over why their leader declared martial law, while Americans are puzzling over how to get our justice system to work half as well as the South Korean’s.

Because The Donald waited until after the markets closed yesterday to announce the “details” of his tariff “plan,” Greg Dworkin had to wait until this morning to chime in on the results. And even though in the modern age there’s trading done at all hours, all around the world, we still had to wait until 9:30 for The Old Man’s version of “the market” to open. But we knew it was gonna be bad. For everyone and everything (except Russia). How could it have been otherwise?

Still, there are always those who refuse to see it coming. Or refused to see it for what it was. Which is to say, “ruination.” Just “wildly destructive stupidity.”

The good news about Democratic reaction to the tariffs is that they had a genuine success in the Senate, with four Gop defections on a measure to block them! Republicans do know this sucks for them!

The not-so-good news is that it was about the last round of tariffs announced — the ones against Canada — not including this most recent round of nuttery.

Luckily, there was more good news. Namely, Democratic turnout and performance in Tuesday’s elections. It was good news even in the expected Florida losses, but most especially in the Wisconsin win.

The momentum is most welcome! We’re gonna need it, because he’s not leaving willingly. And the Gop knows that sucks for them, too.

In case you thought Signalgate didn’t still suck, it does! They don’t want to let Mike Waltz out from under that bus, even if he hasn’t yet gotten caught in the wheels.

Elsewhere, Eric Adams finally got his case dismissed. But not the way the Trump DOJ envisioned it. And Gerry Connolly scores with some SSA emails that confirm that stupidest of scenarios: Yes, Social Security registration for newborns in Maine really was targeted because Janet Mills was tough with Trump.

Today let’s join David Waldman in bidding adieu to yesterday’s co-host Charlie Kirk. We at KITM wish him well in his future endeavors. 

Greg Dworkin, who is 100% available on Blue Sky, felt possessed to post his analysis of where we are, post yesterday’s events, on the execrable X... At least he didn’t dock his Raft O’ Stories ™ over at the Tesla dealership. 

When will Democrats say or do enough to counter Donald K. Trump? Yesterday, and for more than 25 hours previously, Senator Cory Booker said and did enough. Great! OK, who’s next at bat?

Yesterday’s elections were very special. Florida Republicans won, sure, but other than that, they can’t really brag. In Wisconsin, Elon Musk had his ass handed to him, then claimed that he always wanted to look at it from that angle.

Mike Johnson couldn’t kill a new parents proxy voting measure, so he took his ball and went home.

Donald K. Trump is furious to catch Senate Gops attempting to slip out of his Tariff Jonestown before the big event. What’ll be in tonight’s batch of Kool-Aid? Canadians, Mexicans and Europeans have already moved on, and Trump couldn’t care less. 

Abducting people to disappear and destroying government and democracy sure sounded like good ideas at the time, but...

The Signal witch-hunt continues, but which witch will Trump burn? Michael Waltz used to be “Signal stupid”, but now he’s “Gmail stupid”, while Pete Hegseth is a special kind of stupid, and getting more special every day. 

All of Mel Gibson’s flags are red, but when a Justice Department Official didn’t want Mel to buy more guns, she was fired. Donald could pardon him. Donald will pardon anything.

David Waldman is not April fooling. Why devote a single day of our year to cruel jokes when with Donald K. Trump, every day can be one?

The real April Fools’ day is tomorrow when all, none, or some of Trump tariffs go into effect. Europeans have a plan for handling whatever Trump brings on, Americans, well, not so much.

The Trump administration is warning companies throughout Europe to cut out their DEI, CRT... whatever they call it in their counties, or else.

America paid El Salvador just to take their prisoners, sadly, there is no “return policy”. Oopsie! You, on the other hand, are not yet on route to a detention facility. Why is that?

Doge pirates take over the Federal payroll system. The old crew walks the plank. Elon isn’t saving the government money but saved himself $500 million on the cool previous headquarters of the United States Insititute of Peace.

Big Elections are happening today in Wisconsin and Florida. Congratulations to Nicholas Jacobs and Ekaterina Diestler big winners in Elon Musk’s — April Fools!

No joke! Cory Booker goes to Washington and has been going Jimmy Stewart for over 15 hours as I write this.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are back for yet another week of KITM! How do they do it, what is their secret? No one knows!

We begin the week with the White House embroiled in scandal. Which scandal? All of them!

There’s SignalGate, the main culprit of which has been finally determined to be JD Vance, or the news media, or an unspecified Democrat yet to be announced.

JD Vance is also guilty of blowing the art of the deal in Greenland. Like Canada, Greenland has a lot to offer in both material and strategic benefits. Just think of the partnerships, alliances, and investments Trump could have potentially made if his first negotiation tactic was ever something other than a pussygrab? 

Countries who turned away their pussygrabs get tariffs this Wednesday, or at least more threats of more tariffs. Nothing makes Trump angrier than someone stealing his pickup technique.

Don’t knock it, the Trump pussygrab has been a success with most of the media, several law firms, and an undisclosed number of SCOTUS. Following many, yet not enough, injunctions from lower-court judges, the Supreme Court has six pending emergency applications from Trump demanding to know "So like…What are we?"  

Gops warned Victoria Spartz not to have town halls, but she didn’t listen, and conducted a town hall in which she wouldn’t listen. For Victoria, if you have to ask for due process, you must not deserve it. Think those masked guys heading your way won’t put a bag over your head? Surprise!

Democrats will fix this all soon… we just need to get a little bit closer to their mid-term election fundraising drives, ok, please? In contrast, Donald K. Trump is already getting set for his 2028 election, and beyond. Wait a second, doesn’t the Constitution prohibit that sort of thing? Where we’re going, we don’t need Constitutions.

France on the other hand, takes things seriously, but their guillotine must have been on the fritz because Marine Le Pen only received 5 years off from seeking office.

David Waldman delivers us to the end of the week. Anyone not detained this weekend for acts of dispatriotism can meet back here on Monday.

Russia seems to use David’s random country generator to pick out its disinformation targets. Today it’s Austria!

SignalGate! It turns out that you can get in a lot of trouble for accidentally adding a reporter to a group email. “You” are not, however, one of the morons on the Houthi PC Small Group chat. Those folks are in a special protected class of super-morons. The more stupidity linked to them, such as public Venmo accounts with payments to eggplants, the more they are called out, such as Senator Tammy Duckworth calling Pete Hegseth “a f*cking liar” who needs to resign in disgrace, the more Donald K. Trump will defend them and lock down Gops from doing anything about it. Hillary Clinton writing an op-ed for the Times has secured Pete Hegseth the job for life. Trump is afraid of confrontation and making any decisions tougher than picking out colors anyhow.

Elise Stefanik, on the other hand, isn’t that much of a dangerous idiot to become concerned about. Trump figured that she could break just as much stuff if she kept her old job.

Trump is cutting the “racial stuff” from the National Museum of African American History and Culture, and “gender” from the American Women's history museum, as well as “improper ideology” from the National Zoo. Thinking incorrectly at a university can earn you a free sightseeing trip in an unmarked van with a canvas bag on your head. 

Trump’s sister declared the immigration law he used “unconstitutional”.

While we’re talking about Trumps, Vanessa Trump is in a relationship with Tiger Woods! Yep, Vanessa sure has a thing for those “bad boys”… Wait, who is Vanessa Trump?

It’s Thursday, and David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are here to say the smartest things about the dumbest stuff.

The Team Trump screwups keep on screwing up. Their passwords and personal emails have now been discovered by DER SPIEGEL, which might read better in the original German. The Trump administration has created a golden age for foreign spies, which does read better in the second-hand Chinese. Mike Waltz’ Venmo list contains a lot of journalists who he owes or owe him money. Foremost authority on barstools and sports, Dave Portnoy demands that heads should roll... At least one, ok? Donald K. Trump loves his staff, unless the polls convince him that they were just coffee boys.

So much for JD Vance’s tour ship diplomacy! No one in Greenland wants to sell him a box of donuts, let alone their finest local whale blubber, seal blubber or narwhal blubber. And JD just sold his house too! That is, his LLC released its holdings to another LLC. (Of course, Orla Joelsen’s pictures of Greenland look much better on Blue Sky.)

We are the bad guys now. Masked gunmen disappear people off the street, families beg for their release as the captives are used in propaganda videos.

The majority of Americans believe presidents should obey the courts, but who thinks that Trump is only a president anymore? Probably a few lunatic left judges, but who cares about them? 

Ah, but special elections, those could be the beginning of a blue wave, if we are allowed to have those anymore. In Florida, state Senator Randy Fine should be winning big, but might be winning small. His wife could help out by hoochie cooing like a drag queen if required.

SignalGate! David Waldman is here to explain it all, using only emojis. Greg Dworkin is here to unload his Raft of Stories, Ship of Fools, and Confederacy of Dunces. The revolution will not be televised, but KITM is here to present you with all the rest. (Do not follow Greg on anything but Blue Sky.)

What did they know and when did they know it? The answer is, not much and not yet. America’s allies are panicking, sure, but our enemies must be really shocked to find themselves having to rely upon these morons. The only way Gops could make it worse… is to do exactly what they are doing, not only blaming everyone but themselves, but viciously attacking them. The NSA warned that “Bin Laden determined to strike US”… and recently, "A vulnerability has been identified in the Signal Messenger Application.” The Atlantic said the chat contained classified material, the White House said Nuh-Uh!  So, The Atlantic published the messages, and it turns out that Pete Hegseth also can declassify secrets using only his mind, and a 40 of malt. All rise, the Honorable Judge James Boasberg will be presiding. This isn’t even their worst foreign policy move so far… or yet.

For instance, JD and Usha Vance will soon head to Greenland to be greeted as liberators. The Vances have some extra vacation cash from a lobbyist who spent what a house around my neighborhood goes for, over the asking price of their house.

Big Balls provided tech support to a cybercrime ring but doesn’t have half the balls Democratic House Rep. Melanie Stansbury showed yesterday.

The White House budget office has decided that you don’t need to know what their budget spends money on.

Maybe people out there are paying attention. A Democrat wins the latest Pennsylvania special election for a district that never was Democratic, handing Dems control of the state House.

Based on recent experience, David Waldman has been tapped to set up the Zoom on future secret White House meetings.

You might have heard that our nation’s safety is in the hands of the worst group of fuckups imaginable. That’s a fact made more obvious by inviting the editor in chief of The Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg, to a war planning meeting being held via a chat group on the Signal app, second only to Mar-a-Lago as a go-to espionage destination spot. Steve Witkoff took advantage of the Kremlin’s free Wi-Fi service. Joe Kent took time from hunting antifa and BLM to join the chat.

But, her emails? Democrats want heads to roll. Republicans explain that the truth is, that these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand, and request a moment or a few days of silence while they notify the next of kin. 

Meanwhile, Donald K. Trump and the Paul, Weiss law firm pioneer a new form of agreement in which each side signs off on the version that they like the best. Eagle Ed Martin, who wants to jail women for abortions, free Jan 6 insurrectionists, and stop the steal of his own 2010 election, is honored to just have an ass so big to kiss as the head of the Office of Management and Budget.

David Waldman introduces KITM listeners to the Smooth Sound of Zoom™.

Greg Dworkin watches America circle the drain, while helping us locate the stopper.

Donald K. Trump, modest as he is, isn’t taking credit for invoking the Alien Enemies Act.  “Many do not know this, but John Adams was a president who signed things, and we have been hearing many good things about him lately.”, Donald will soon say, or he’ll just say “Lil’ Marco did it.”, which he already is saying. Either way Trump checks off another day of telling you and Judge James Boasberg something, which is good enough for him, probably not for Boasberg. Meanwhile, El Salvador remains Rubio’s quick-stop low-cost disappearing headquarters.

In comparison, the Paul, Weiss firm are Trump’s dream of what a law firm should be, backing off of him, and giving him money. Paul, Weiss chair Brad Karp complains that after years of “dishing it out”, “taking it” feels surprisingly harsh, but if Brad thinks it’s all behind him, he doesn’t know how much is left to be inserted.

Who knew that Republicans also received Social Security? DOGE is having a hard time finding any fraud there, but of course, that isn’t the point. Most people would prefer that their airliner didn’t crash, but here we are.

Trump picks Boeing over Lockheed because they’ll name their next fighter after him. Now they need to find pilots small enough for that “cockpit”. Most countries sure won’t be shopping USA for weapons.

Usha Vance is heading to Greenland, and already they aren’t thankful. 

Columbia, the gem of kowtowing universities, is sending $400 million dollars to soothe Trump’s pain from a deal he blew 25 years ago. 

Scott Turner follows in the footsteps of OJ Simpson and Rosie Greer as a football player hoping that 70’s casting decisions work out for him. (Yes, you can follow M. Nolan Gray on Blue Sky.)

David Waldman has so much crazy, so little time!

Drug use and undisclosed ties to foreign agents used to make it difficult to obtain security clearance, back before the Trump administration thought to offer affordable leasing.  Now the Pentagon is happy to invite Elon Musk to talk over war plans against China! Oh wait, Elon said I should be arrested for telling you that. Donald K. Trump says I’m fake news and has booked me a flight to El Salvador... I better type quicker. Musk has big investments in China, so maybe he’ll Starlink those missiles away… On the other hand, those investments are drying up, therefore it might be a good time for a nuclear market adjustment.

Trump and Musk want to outlaw judges who rule against them and pay off the ones that let them win. What’s wrong with that? Trump hates that people think that these are “conservative” judges… what have they done for him lately?

No more warrants to enter homes, or due process to process suspects means that any suspicious, or even aggravatingly inconvenient behavior can be delt with efficiently. Bad guys, whomever that might be deemed at the moment, won’t be able to hide behind “laws” to escape justice.

Well, once MAGA understands this, they’ll… do nothing, because their face will be a small price to pay if the leopard eats your face. The only bums in danger of being thrown out are the Democrats.