Today let’s join David Waldman in bidding adieu to yesterday’s co-host Charlie Kirk. We at KITM wish him well in his future endeavors. 

Greg Dworkin, who is 100% available on Blue Sky, felt possessed to post his analysis of where we are, post yesterday’s events, on the execrable X... At least he didn’t dock his Raft O’ Stories ™ over at the Tesla dealership. 

When will Democrats say or do enough to counter Donald K. Trump? Yesterday, and for more than 25 hours previously, Senator Cory Booker said and did enough. Great! OK, who’s next at bat?

Yesterday’s elections were very special. Florida Republicans won, sure, but other than that, they can’t really brag. In Wisconsin, Elon Musk had his ass handed to him, then claimed that he always wanted to look at it from that angle.

Mike Johnson couldn’t kill a new parents proxy voting measure, so he took his ball and went home.

Donald K. Trump is furious to catch Senate Gops attempting to slip out of his Tariff Jonestown before the big event. What’ll be in tonight’s batch of Kool-Aid? Canadians, Mexicans and Europeans have already moved on, and Trump couldn’t care less. 

Abducting people to disappear and destroying government and democracy sure sounded like good ideas at the time, but...

The Signal witch-hunt continues, but which witch will Trump burn? Michael Waltz used to be “Signal stupid”, but now he’s “Gmail stupid”, while Pete Hegseth is a special kind of stupid, and getting more special every day. 

All of Mel Gibson’s flags are red, but when a Justice Department Official didn’t want Mel to buy more guns, she was fired. Donald could pardon him. Donald will pardon anything.

David Waldman is not April fooling. Why devote a single day of our year to cruel jokes when with Donald K. Trump, every day can be one?

The real April Fools’ day is tomorrow when all, none, or some of Trump tariffs go into effect. Europeans have a plan for handling whatever Trump brings on, Americans, well, not so much.

The Trump administration is warning companies throughout Europe to cut out their DEI, CRT... whatever they call it in their counties, or else.

America paid El Salvador just to take their prisoners, sadly, there is no “return policy”. Oopsie! You, on the other hand, are not yet on route to a detention facility. Why is that?

Doge pirates take over the Federal payroll system. The old crew walks the plank. Elon isn’t saving the government money but saved himself $500 million on the cool previous headquarters of the United States Insititute of Peace.

Big Elections are happening today in Wisconsin and Florida. Congratulations to Nicholas Jacobs and Ekaterina Diestler big winners in Elon Musk’s — April Fools!

No joke! Cory Booker goes to Washington and has been going Jimmy Stewart for over 15 hours as I write this.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are back for yet another week of KITM! How do they do it, what is their secret? No one knows!

We begin the week with the White House embroiled in scandal. Which scandal? All of them!

There’s SignalGate, the main culprit of which has been finally determined to be JD Vance, or the news media, or an unspecified Democrat yet to be announced.

JD Vance is also guilty of blowing the art of the deal in Greenland. Like Canada, Greenland has a lot to offer in both material and strategic benefits. Just think of the partnerships, alliances, and investments Trump could have potentially made if his first negotiation tactic was ever something other than a pussygrab? 

Countries who turned away their pussygrabs get tariffs this Wednesday, or at least more threats of more tariffs. Nothing makes Trump angrier than someone stealing his pickup technique.

Don’t knock it, the Trump pussygrab has been a success with most of the media, several law firms, and an undisclosed number of SCOTUS. Following many, yet not enough, injunctions from lower-court judges, the Supreme Court has six pending emergency applications from Trump demanding to know "So like…What are we?"  

Gops warned Victoria Spartz not to have town halls, but she didn’t listen, and conducted a town hall in which she wouldn’t listen. For Victoria, if you have to ask for due process, you must not deserve it. Think those masked guys heading your way won’t put a bag over your head? Surprise!

Democrats will fix this all soon… we just need to get a little bit closer to their mid-term election fundraising drives, ok, please? In contrast, Donald K. Trump is already getting set for his 2028 election, and beyond. Wait a second, doesn’t the Constitution prohibit that sort of thing? Where we’re going, we don’t need Constitutions.

France on the other hand, takes things seriously, but their guillotine must have been on the fritz because Marine Le Pen only received 5 years off from seeking office.

David Waldman delivers us to the end of the week. Anyone not detained this weekend for acts of dispatriotism can meet back here on Monday.

Russia seems to use David’s random country generator to pick out its disinformation targets. Today it’s Austria!

SignalGate! It turns out that you can get in a lot of trouble for accidentally adding a reporter to a group email. “You” are not, however, one of the morons on the Houthi PC Small Group chat. Those folks are in a special protected class of super-morons. The more stupidity linked to them, such as public Venmo accounts with payments to eggplants, the more they are called out, such as Senator Tammy Duckworth calling Pete Hegseth “a f*cking liar” who needs to resign in disgrace, the more Donald K. Trump will defend them and lock down Gops from doing anything about it. Hillary Clinton writing an op-ed for the Times has secured Pete Hegseth the job for life. Trump is afraid of confrontation and making any decisions tougher than picking out colors anyhow.

Elise Stefanik, on the other hand, isn’t that much of a dangerous idiot to become concerned about. Trump figured that she could break just as much stuff if she kept her old job.

Trump is cutting the “racial stuff” from the National Museum of African American History and Culture, and “gender” from the American Women's history museum, as well as “improper ideology” from the National Zoo. Thinking incorrectly at a university can earn you a free sightseeing trip in an unmarked van with a canvas bag on your head. 

Trump’s sister declared the immigration law he used “unconstitutional”.

While we’re talking about Trumps, Vanessa Trump is in a relationship with Tiger Woods! Yep, Vanessa sure has a thing for those “bad boys”… Wait, who is Vanessa Trump?

It’s Thursday, and David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are here to say the smartest things about the dumbest stuff.

The Team Trump screwups keep on screwing up. Their passwords and personal emails have now been discovered by DER SPIEGEL, which might read better in the original German. The Trump administration has created a golden age for foreign spies, which does read better in the second-hand Chinese. Mike Waltz’ Venmo list contains a lot of journalists who he owes or owe him money. Foremost authority on barstools and sports, Dave Portnoy demands that heads should roll... At least one, ok? Donald K. Trump loves his staff, unless the polls convince him that they were just coffee boys.

So much for JD Vance’s tour ship diplomacy! No one in Greenland wants to sell him a box of donuts, let alone their finest local whale blubber, seal blubber or narwhal blubber. And JD just sold his house too! That is, his LLC released its holdings to another LLC. (Of course, Orla Joelsen’s pictures of Greenland look much better on Blue Sky.)

We are the bad guys now. Masked gunmen disappear people off the street, families beg for their release as the captives are used in propaganda videos.

The majority of Americans believe presidents should obey the courts, but who thinks that Trump is only a president anymore? Probably a few lunatic left judges, but who cares about them? 

Ah, but special elections, those could be the beginning of a blue wave, if we are allowed to have those anymore. In Florida, state Senator Randy Fine should be winning big, but might be winning small. His wife could help out by hoochie cooing like a drag queen if required.

SignalGate! David Waldman is here to explain it all, using only emojis. Greg Dworkin is here to unload his Raft of Stories, Ship of Fools, and Confederacy of Dunces. The revolution will not be televised, but KITM is here to present you with all the rest. (Do not follow Greg on anything but Blue Sky.)

What did they know and when did they know it? The answer is, not much and not yet. America’s allies are panicking, sure, but our enemies must be really shocked to find themselves having to rely upon these morons. The only way Gops could make it worse… is to do exactly what they are doing, not only blaming everyone but themselves, but viciously attacking them. The NSA warned that “Bin Laden determined to strike US”… and recently, "A vulnerability has been identified in the Signal Messenger Application.” The Atlantic said the chat contained classified material, the White House said Nuh-Uh!  So, The Atlantic published the messages, and it turns out that Pete Hegseth also can declassify secrets using only his mind, and a 40 of malt. All rise, the Honorable Judge James Boasberg will be presiding. This isn’t even their worst foreign policy move so far… or yet.

For instance, JD and Usha Vance will soon head to Greenland to be greeted as liberators. The Vances have some extra vacation cash from a lobbyist who spent what a house around my neighborhood goes for, over the asking price of their house.

Big Balls provided tech support to a cybercrime ring but doesn’t have half the balls Democratic House Rep. Melanie Stansbury showed yesterday.

The White House budget office has decided that you don’t need to know what their budget spends money on.

Maybe people out there are paying attention. A Democrat wins the latest Pennsylvania special election for a district that never was Democratic, handing Dems control of the state House.

Based on recent experience, David Waldman has been tapped to set up the Zoom on future secret White House meetings.

You might have heard that our nation’s safety is in the hands of the worst group of fuckups imaginable. That’s a fact made more obvious by inviting the editor in chief of The Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg, to a war planning meeting being held via a chat group on the Signal app, second only to Mar-a-Lago as a go-to espionage destination spot. Steve Witkoff took advantage of the Kremlin’s free Wi-Fi service. Joe Kent took time from hunting antifa and BLM to join the chat.

But, her emails? Democrats want heads to roll. Republicans explain that the truth is, that these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand, and request a moment or a few days of silence while they notify the next of kin. 

Meanwhile, Donald K. Trump and the Paul, Weiss law firm pioneer a new form of agreement in which each side signs off on the version that they like the best. Eagle Ed Martin, who wants to jail women for abortions, free Jan 6 insurrectionists, and stop the steal of his own 2010 election, is honored to just have an ass so big to kiss as the head of the Office of Management and Budget.

David Waldman introduces KITM listeners to the Smooth Sound of Zoom™.

Greg Dworkin watches America circle the drain, while helping us locate the stopper.

Donald K. Trump, modest as he is, isn’t taking credit for invoking the Alien Enemies Act.  “Many do not know this, but John Adams was a president who signed things, and we have been hearing many good things about him lately.”, Donald will soon say, or he’ll just say “Lil’ Marco did it.”, which he already is saying. Either way Trump checks off another day of telling you and Judge James Boasberg something, which is good enough for him, probably not for Boasberg. Meanwhile, El Salvador remains Rubio’s quick-stop low-cost disappearing headquarters.

In comparison, the Paul, Weiss firm are Trump’s dream of what a law firm should be, backing off of him, and giving him money. Paul, Weiss chair Brad Karp complains that after years of “dishing it out”, “taking it” feels surprisingly harsh, but if Brad thinks it’s all behind him, he doesn’t know how much is left to be inserted.

Who knew that Republicans also received Social Security? DOGE is having a hard time finding any fraud there, but of course, that isn’t the point. Most people would prefer that their airliner didn’t crash, but here we are.

Trump picks Boeing over Lockheed because they’ll name their next fighter after him. Now they need to find pilots small enough for that “cockpit”. Most countries sure won’t be shopping USA for weapons.

Usha Vance is heading to Greenland, and already they aren’t thankful. 

Columbia, the gem of kowtowing universities, is sending $400 million dollars to soothe Trump’s pain from a deal he blew 25 years ago. 

Scott Turner follows in the footsteps of OJ Simpson and Rosie Greer as a football player hoping that 70’s casting decisions work out for him. (Yes, you can follow M. Nolan Gray on Blue Sky.)

David Waldman has so much crazy, so little time!

Drug use and undisclosed ties to foreign agents used to make it difficult to obtain security clearance, back before the Trump administration thought to offer affordable leasing.  Now the Pentagon is happy to invite Elon Musk to talk over war plans against China! Oh wait, Elon said I should be arrested for telling you that. Donald K. Trump says I’m fake news and has booked me a flight to El Salvador... I better type quicker. Musk has big investments in China, so maybe he’ll Starlink those missiles away… On the other hand, those investments are drying up, therefore it might be a good time for a nuclear market adjustment.

Trump and Musk want to outlaw judges who rule against them and pay off the ones that let them win. What’s wrong with that? Trump hates that people think that these are “conservative” judges… what have they done for him lately?

No more warrants to enter homes, or due process to process suspects means that any suspicious, or even aggravatingly inconvenient behavior can be delt with efficiently. Bad guys, whomever that might be deemed at the moment, won’t be able to hide behind “laws” to escape justice.

Well, once MAGA understands this, they’ll… do nothing, because their face will be a small price to pay if the leopard eats your face. The only bums in danger of being thrown out are the Democrats.

On today’s KITM, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin turn it all the way up to 11… sometimes on purpose! 

Great news everyone! Kamala Harris did not “lose”! Now if only our present-day vibes could just recall those “quotation marks”, this whole nation would be one big California… but without the unnecessary regulations, with more government spending… but without government overspending. No more poor, therefore no more aid…

More Republicans are voicing voters' remorse… more Democrats also.

Today a handful of people stand in the way of a perfect world. A French scientist was denied entry into the US for disliking the Trump administration’s research policy. A Canadian actress asked too many questions at the border and was imprisoned for weeks. And over two hundred members of the MS-13 gang… oh sorry, those folks were the first Trump administration scary gang affiliated with El Salvador, the country which is now the hero of the second Trump administration… Two hundred members of the new scary gang were shipped to El Salvador, give or take an undisclosed number of just regular guys like you and me. 

Who’d guess that the chief judge of the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia, a bipartisan appointee with a three-decade career in Washington, would turn out to be a such a Radical Left Lunatic? It seems that crazy judges keep popping up, the more Trump clamps down. Soon he’ll realize that they really aren’t that well-armed. When DOGE took down the U.S. Institute of Peace, they had plenty of guns and badges, so they didn’t need no stinking laws.

After fentanyl becomes a 'Weapon of Mass Destruction”, Mexico and Canada will become Iraq.

It’s all computer! It’s taken a week, but David Waldman and Greg Dworkin have almost completed KITM’s incomprehensibly complex and possibly hazardous transition from “Skype” over to “Zoom” voice over internet protocol telephony technologies. Without alert tones, Greg can finally enter conversations through his preferred “jump scare” technique.

The constitutional crisis just over the horizon has now arrived. Officially, we are still at the “Wait, what?” stage, but this administration plans to repeat it again and louder until they are completely understood. Donald K. Trump plans to deliver dozens of RSVPs to the Supreme court, inviting them over to his side of the Rubicon.

If only we could just cross into Canada and buy enough beer and donuts to fix this thing that we’re going to do to them.  Seriously, if they can do it to a young, pretty, lawyered up white woman, just think of what they can do to you.

Days of simple heists over, DOGE thugs screwed sharper hobnails into their jackboots in order to kick the doors in over at the U.S. Institute of Peace. Presently we are at the “he said, she said” in the case, but you know the deal with this administration and paperwork...

“Trump won’t win the election, he’s focusing only on his base while Biden… Harris…” bla bla bla bla bla bla. “If only Democrats could capture the white uneducated” bla bla bla bla bla bla. “Now, Democrats should embrace the most effective means of targeted disinformation yet invented and….” (Yet invented, that is.)

But, hey! Trump’s poll numbers are sagging… not even 100 days in. (and maybe 100 days before independent polling becomes illegal) So, it just goes to show you, Chuck Schumer really has got a handle on this thing. Therefore, it is imperative that we focus upon… The JFK assassination documents have been released! Let’s all go over to X.com and talk about it!