Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The weekly Ross O'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

6 minutes 3 seconds

‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me

Honor walks through the arrivals gate with a face as long as a wet weekend in Knock and I take it as read that the week in St Moritz was a bit of a let-down?
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17 January 2025, 4:19 pm
6 minutes 27 seconds

‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’

It would be an understatement to say that Honor was never the most popular girl growing up. As a matter of fact, on the very rare occasions when she was invited to a porty, Sorcha used to sew cubes of pancetta into the hem of her dress so that at least the family’s dog would play with her.
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10 January 2025, 10:55 am
6 minutes 9 seconds

‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’

The old man and Hennessy look a total state in their chef’s uniforms. Yeah, no, they’ve invited us all around to the old pair’s gaff for a New Year’s Eve dinner, a dry run – their words – for when the two of them supposedly buy and then reopen Shanahan’s on the Green.
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3 January 2025, 7:45 pm
5 minutes 53 seconds

Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer

So I’m, like, standing out on the balcony and – yeah, no – I’m vaping like a crazy person and I’m going, “Remember, goys, your old dear is going to be under a lot of pressure today.”
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20 December 2024, 7:00 am
6 minutes 20 seconds

The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’

The old dear smiles and I end up having to look away. I’m there, “Can you at least put your teeth in?”
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13 December 2024, 7:00 am
5 minutes 50 seconds

‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’

Sorcha says she knows me. She knows me inside-out. But I tell her that the Rossmeister General still has one or two surprises in his locker.
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8 December 2024, 6:27 pm
6 minutes 22 seconds

‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’

So – yeah, no – it’s that magical night of the year again when we all sit down as a family and write our letter to Santa Claus. We’ve the Bublé CD on and we’re all wearing our Christmas jumpers.
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29 November 2024, 5:33 pm
6 minutes 13 seconds

Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’

Honor is in an absolute fouler when she gets into the cor.

I’m there, “Tough day at school?”

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22 November 2024, 1:48 pm
5 minutes 53 seconds

When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’

There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage?
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15 November 2024, 3:00 pm
6 minutes 2 seconds

‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’

Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks
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8 November 2024, 12:00 pm
5 minutes 50 seconds

‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’

So I’m standing with Honor at the junction of Foster Avenue and the N11 and we’re watching people pass us by with agony, I don’t know, etched all over their faces? Yeah, no, JP is running the Dublin City Marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, as well as – obviously – the rest of the field.
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1 November 2024, 1:51 pm
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