Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The weekly Ross O'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

5 minutes 53 seconds

Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer

So I’m, like, standing out on the balcony and – yeah, no – I’m vaping like a crazy person and I’m going, “Remember, goys, your old dear is going to be under a lot of pressure today.”
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20 December 2024, 7:00 am
6 minutes 20 seconds

The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’

The old dear smiles and I end up having to look away. I’m there, “Can you at least put your teeth in?”
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13 December 2024, 7:00 am
5 minutes 50 seconds

‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’

Sorcha says she knows me. She knows me inside-out. But I tell her that the Rossmeister General still has one or two surprises in his locker.
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8 December 2024, 6:27 pm
6 minutes 22 seconds

‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’

So – yeah, no – it’s that magical night of the year again when we all sit down as a family and write our letter to Santa Claus. We’ve the Bublé CD on and we’re all wearing our Christmas jumpers.
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29 November 2024, 5:33 pm
6 minutes 13 seconds

Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’

Honor is in an absolute fouler when she gets into the cor.

I’m there, “Tough day at school?”

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22 November 2024, 1:48 pm
5 minutes 53 seconds

When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’

There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage?
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15 November 2024, 3:00 pm
6 minutes 2 seconds

‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’

Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks
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8 November 2024, 12:00 pm
5 minutes 50 seconds

‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’

So I’m standing with Honor at the junction of Foster Avenue and the N11 and we’re watching people pass us by with agony, I don’t know, etched all over their faces? Yeah, no, JP is running the Dublin City Marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, as well as – obviously – the rest of the field.
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1 November 2024, 1:51 pm
6 minutes 19 seconds

‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’

Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara rings me. Which is a rare enough occurrence. On the four, maybe five, occasions it’s happened, it’s been to ask me to retrieve the Go Bag that he insists on storing in our attic and to drive him to Dublin Airport.
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26 October 2024, 10:26 am
6 minutes 41 seconds

JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account

JP says Chloe is writing a novel based on her college days. He’s like, “She’s hoping to do for DBS what Sally Rooney did for Trinity.”
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18 October 2024, 3:40 pm
6 minutes 10 seconds

‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’

Sorcha asks if the beef is from a regenerative form and I end up having to look away. Seriously, you can’t bring her anywhere.
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11 October 2024, 3:07 pm
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