The Fifth Column

Kmele Foster, Michael Moynihan, and Matt Welch

Analysis, Commentary, Sedition. @wethefifth

  • 1 hour 4 minutes
    #437 - Alive from the RNC!

    Moynihan calls in from GOP Ground Zero in Milwaukee. Kmele threatens to dish about Silicon Valley support for Donald Trump. Welch only slurs as much as Reince Preibus. Topics include J.D. Vance’s political philosophy, Joe Biden’s deteriorating public appearances, and—as ever—Kmele’s mangled naughty bits. Who the hell knows when the Adderall shortage will kick in, but we’re squeezing the last drops out of Moynihan’s productivity before the vape-seizures finally do him in. Let’s gooooo!!!!



    This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe
    17 July 2024, 1:11 am
  • 21 minutes 35 seconds
    Members Only #218 - Second Sunday Rebroadcast (Assassination Edition)
    This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.com

    A rebroadcast of our increasingly popular Second Sunday edition, during which you, the listener, get to interact with the Fifth, berate them, flatter them, hit on them, and endlessly praise their wisdom and prescience. And thanks to all of you who showed up this week…so many, in fact, that we were forced to pay Zoom to increase the number of attendees. …

    16 July 2024, 6:41 pm
  • 1 hour 16 minutes
    #436 - Forget It. Joe Biden Has Been Cured Of Being Super Old

    The lads make it through Biden’s presser, watch a bit of state television after, listen to the Mike Tyson’s Punch Out soundtrack, and limbo below the lowest bar in the history of low bars.



    This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe
    12 July 2024, 3:47 pm
  • 18 minutes 51 seconds
    Members Only #217 - ☑ The Flag of the Fifth ☑
    This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.com

    * Wizards of Transnistria

    * Checking the box

    * A festival of freedom?

    * More old stuff

    * France and the media

    * Brain dead v. Hitler

    * It didn’t end in 2008, but it proved a lot

    * What a dictator is… and isn’t

    * An accent free pass

    * The best video ever: Fuck you bloody

    10 July 2024, 11:20 pm
  • 59 minutes 28 seconds
    #462 - SCOTUS Interruptus (w/ Damon Root)

    It’s an Independence Day Miracle (if a few days delinquent). As another US Supreme Court term draws to a close, we tap in with our favorite SCOTUS obsessive, Damon Root (currently Freethink/Big Think, previous Reason, and author of books you really should buy).

    We discuss Presidential absolute immunity, Chevron deference, the pitiful state of SCOTUS journalism, and the obviously-super-serious effort in the US Congress to impeach/pack/scorn the highest court in the land on account of its *various crimes against democracy* (or something like that).ALSO: Frederick Douglass's on Independence Day… and Juneteenth?!

    “With flowing ROBES, grace, bald, striking.”

    - (Caddyshack - 1980)

    * Supreme Court and Presidential Powers

    * Chevron Deference, Executive Authority, and Legislative Inaction

    * Checks. Balances.

    * Judicial Perspectives on Recent Cases

    * Social Media and the First Amendment

    * Supreme Court's Conservative Majority

    * Frederick Douglass and American Ideals

    * Channeling Frederick Douglass (for Juneteenth)

    Recorded: June 3rd 2024Published: June 7th 2024



    This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe
    8 July 2024, 3:19 am
  • 20 minutes 11 seconds
    Members Only #216 - Unbearable and Untenable
    This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.com

    * Miracles of indigenous science

    * Why is Matt talking about Kevin Costner so much?

    * Aaron Sorkin solves January 6th

    * Norm on Bob Uecker

    * Matt revisits his…bad night

    * The Biden sitch

    * James Carville on masculinity and “communities of color”

    * How do you guys manage to watch this crap?

    * QAnon all the time

    * Sam and Diane, but not funny

    * The block of humans called voters

    * “Total…

    2 July 2024, 9:33 pm
  • 43 minutes 12 seconds
    Members Only 🔓 UNLOCKED 🔓 #215 - The Hindenburg Debate, The Hindenburg Fifth Recording, and The View From Atlanta (w/ Alex Thompson)

    Oh dear. Yeah, that debate. Obviously. One would have to be a very successful, very delusional Substacker to think otherwise. But the night was about to get much, much worse. Moynihan, Welch, and Friend of the Fifth (former Rep.) Peter Meijer decided to record a quick reaction pod at 1am, after a collective 542 drinks. That…didn’t work. And that’s not what you are about to hear, although some devious editor appears to have dropped random clips of one particular Fifth host (Matt) into this episode, purely to bully him and amuse our bullying listeners. So as Welch recovered today, Kmele and Moynihan (a champion drinker, at this point immune to hangovers) grabbed star Axios reporter Alex Thompson, just back from the spin room in Atlanta, to try to make sense of it all. Note: This was supposed to be a subscriber-only episode, but between the clips of Matt doing his Foster Brooks impression and Alex being insightful and entertaining, we opened it up to all. You’re welcome. Now go subscribe so we can get Welch into a fancy Malibu rehab.



    This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe
    28 June 2024, 11:28 pm
  • 1 hour 18 minutes
    #461 - Trump/Biden II, Electric Boogaloo

    So our podcasting platform just launched an AI feature that scans your recording and automatically generates “show notes.” We gave it it try. These are the results, with a few important corrections.

    “The conversation begins with some light banter and discussion about rap music. [Human ed note: This was before we started, so it isn’t included in the episode, but it did feature Kmele speculating about John Lennon shooting Bob Dylan]. They then transition to talking about the upcoming presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. They discuss the format of the debate and their expectations for how each candidate will perform. They also touch on the COVID-19 pandemic and the conflicting information about masks and vaccines. The conversation ends with a humorous discussion about Matt Welch being a 'MAGA' supporter. [Human ed note: Humorous??] The conversation then shifts to the recent primary race between Jamaal Bowman and Eliot Engel, [sic] with a focus on the role of AIPAC and the effectiveness of negative ads. The hosts also criticize the performance and tactics of certain politicians in the 'squad'. Finally, they mention the fire alarm incident and the overall lack of support for Bowman in his district. [Human ed note: Here, the AI produced 800 words about our Julian Assange conversation]. The hosts end the conversation with some lighthearted banter about upcoming episodes. [Human ed note: Incorrect. We talked about Crocodile Dundee being a cokehead who created the crack epidemic]



    This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe
    27 June 2024, 3:59 pm
  • 23 minutes 41 seconds
    Members Only #214 - Sunday *Bloody* Sunday
    This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.com

    Every second Sunday of the month, the lads fire up Zoom and do a (mostly) Q&A show for subscribers only. It’s very fun, often a bit messy and chaotic, and full of listeners expressing love, disbelief, dismay, and often delivering Strom Thurmond- like filibusters. So for you subscribers who couldn’t make it on June 9, we revive the Zoom recording just to…

    26 June 2024, 11:21 pm
  • 19 minutes 50 seconds
    Members Only #213 - I Don't Know About Y'all...
    This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.com

    * Imagine if Bill Cosby was an Islamophobic dog

    * Cringefest in the Bronx

    * Jamal and AOC

    * Sleeve rolled up, stool in hand, unemployment on the horizon

    * AIPAC is everywhere!

    * Violent psycho extremists for peace

    * The war won’t end until Jake Tapper’s kids are properly harassed

    * Shift back to the center, Dems

    * Laying hands on homeless people

    * Homeopathy is fake, btw

    * Geniuses …

    24 June 2024, 9:24 pm
  • 1 hour 18 minutes
    #460 - The Return of Ol' Icy Balls

    After a very brief hiatus—apologies, but all is explained in the first five minutes of this episode—the lads are back. And there will be a flood of new content in the coming days, to make up for our testicular tardiness (also explained in the first five minutes of this episode). Also note: this episode was plagued by technical difficulties, but we hope, through the magic of editing, that you won’t notice.

    * The procedure

    * The politicization of late night continues apace

    * This is our territory

    * Alt weeklies that weren’t alt

    * Trump’s long “All In” interview

    * Could the debate move voters?

    * Don’t pretend to be working class

    * Louisiana and the Ten Commandments

    * Actually, covet your neighbors wife

    * Tell us about your culture: “Diet Coke and Starbucks and Dunkin’s”

    * Who did MM see at dinner?

    * Happy Juneteenth?



    This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe
    21 June 2024, 4:59 pm
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