“We talk all the time, but I still feel alone in my marriage.” If that sentence has ever crossed your mind on a Tuesday night, mid-load of dishes, with your partner three feet away, you are not imagining it. And you are not the only one.

In this episode, I sit down with Debra Fileta, the licensed therapist who has spent more than twenty years in clinical practice helping couples figure out exactly this. Debra is the author of nine books and the host of the nationally syndicated podcast Talk To Me, and her newest book, People Skills, is built around an idea that I think is going to be a relief for a lot of you. Most relationship pain is not a love problem. It is a skill problem. And skills can be built.

In This Episode

• The three levels of communication, and why almost every couple stalls at level two without realizing it
• Why “we talk all the time” is not the same thing as feeling close, even after twenty years of marriage
• The thirty-minute weekly ritual Debra and her husband John have used for fifteen years to keep their marriage from drifting
• Why being “nice” is not the same as having strong people skills, and the people-pleasing trap that masquerades as kindness
• How to tell the difference between a one-time conflict and a relationship pattern that is pointing at something deeper
• The volume-dial reframe for couples where one partner feels everything at a 7 and the other at a 3
• The empathy practice that takes thirty seconds and changes the way you see almost everyone in your life
• Why “I keep attracting the wrong people” is the wrong question, and the better one Debra asks instead

Why This Matters

This episode is for anyone who has caught themselves thinking, something has shifted between us and I cannot put my finger on what. For the partner who feels like they are always the one initiating real conversation. For the couple who used to talk for hours and now mostly talks about logistics. For anyone who has wondered if needing more depth in their marriage is asking too much. It is not. And the way back is more learnable than you might think.

Episode Breakdown

02:30 It is Not a Lack of Love, It is a Lack of Skill

06:30 Patterns vs. Pain Points (How to Tell If You Are the Common Denominator)

10:30 Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People (And How to Change Your “Magnet”)

14:00 The Three Levels of Communication: Why Most Couples Never Get Past Level Two

17:30 Duck Floaty or Scuba Diver? The Sunday Night Check-In That Saved a Marriage

23:00 When One of You Feels Everything at a 7 and the Other at a 3

29:30 The Yalom Story: How to Actually Look Out Your Partner’s Window

33:00 Trauma Does Not Excuse Us, But It Does Explain Us

Resources

Free Communication Training (two-part video plus workbook)

Work with a couples counselor or relationship coach on my team

If something in this conversation lands somewhere specific for you, that is the signal to do something with it. Start with the free communication training at growingself.com/communication. It is two short videos and a workbook, and you can do it this weekend.

And if you want to go a little deeper, we do free first conversations at growingself.com. No pressure, no commitment, just a real conversation about what is actually going on in your relationship and whether what we do here might be a fit.

I will see you back on the podcast soon.

xo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast

Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.

Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.

LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

Forty Colombian farmers sat looking at her, completely unimpressed, when the cartel boss in the back of the room opened a case and a drone flew up out of it.

In this episode, I sit down with Attia Qureshi, the negotiation teacher who learned her craft running State Department conflict-resolution work in cartel-controlled coca regions of Colombia, and who now teaches at the University of Michigan after a stint at MIT Sloan. Her new book Never Settle, with a foreword by Sheila Heen and endorsements from Daniel Pink, Robert Cialdini, and Chris Voss, hits shelves next week. The thing I love about her work is that she does not treat negotiation as a boardroom sport. She treats it as a daily relationship skill, the kind you practice with your barista so it is already in your hands when something hard comes up at home.

In This Episode

• The four-step sequence Attia used to reset a room of 40 unimpressed farmers and a cartel boss with a drone, and how the same four steps work in your kitchen tonight
• Why "take out the trash" is the position and not the actual ask, and the one-sentence reframe that changes how you fight about household chores
• The fifth-grade bullying story that produced the hard shell most of us are still wearing into adulthood
• The seven-word test that tells you whether you are influencing someone or manipulating them
• Why the freeze you feel when you try to speak up is physiology, not personality, and what to do about it in real time
• How to know when you are giving too much to a taker, and the experiment Attia recommends before you decide to cut losses
• The literal glass of lemonade that turned a hostile next-door neighbor into a friendly one, and the Cialdini-backed science underneath it

Why This Matters

This episode is for anyone who knows what they want and goes quiet when it is time to ask. For anyone stuck in a loop with a difficult coworker or in-law that has been the same loop for three years. For anyone who has tried the assertive thing once and the people-pleasing thing once and is exhausted by both, and who wants a path that does not require a personality transplant.

Episode Breakdown

0:30 How to Get What You Want: Without Fighting or Folding

2:52 Bethany and the Exoskeleton: Where the People-Pleaser-or-Hardener Split Begins

7:18 Why You Freeze When You Try to Ask for What You Want

14:19 A Drone, a Drug Cartel, and How to Negotiate Without Being Aggressive

28:39 Self-Negotiation: Emotional Regulation Before the Conversation Starts

33:22 Positions vs Interests: What You Are Really Asking For

36:01 The Lemonade Story: Reciprocity, Reset, and the Long Game

46:21 Givers, Takers, Matchers, and the Difference Between Influence and Manipulation

Resources

• Free Communication Training (workbook plus two-part video)

• Schedule a free consultation with our team

• Relationship coaching at Growing Self

If something in this conversation landed somewhere specific for you, the most generous thing you can do is share it with the friend who came to mind while you were listening. And if you are ready to stop having this same conversation in your head and start having a different one out loud, my free Communication Training is at growingself.com/communication. It is the workbook and video series I built for exactly the kind of conversation Attia and I were just having.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast

Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.

Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.

LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

Scientists gave people Tylenol before a social rejection. It worked. Your nervous system treats being left out the same way it treats a broken bone. That is why telling yourself to just get over it has never, ever worked. And it is why this conversation with negotiation expert Kwame Christian is going to change how you see your own fear of conflict.

If you’re non confrontational by nature, or you’ve spent years being a people pleaser to keep things smooth, what Kwame explains in this episode is going to feel like the first time someone has accurately described what is actually happening inside you. The fear is not weakness. It is biology. And there is a way through it.

In this episode, I sit down with Kwame Christian, CEO of the American Negotiation Institute and host of Negotiate Anything. His framework, Compassionate Curiosity, is built entirely on empathy, genuine curiosity, and a clear sense of what you actually value. We did a live roleplay about household labor and invisible work, and I want to be honest with you: I felt the shift in real time. The resistance just left. That is what this approach does.

In This Episode

• The neuroscience behind conflict avoidance, including why social rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain

• Kwame’s origin story as a people pleaser and exactly how he treated his fear of conflict like a phobia to overcome it

• The difference between being liked and being respected, and why only one of them gets you where you want to go

• A complete reframe of what negotiation actually is, and why the goal is never to win but to discover what is possible

• The Compassionate Curiosity framework step by step, including the pre-conversation internal work that makes you harder to rattle

• The Situation/Impact/Invitation opener that dissolves defensiveness before the hard conversation even begins

• A live roleplay on the invisible work conversation with a real-time demonstration of the shift that happens when you stop fighting

• What confidence in conflict actually looks like when it is not swagger

Why This Matters

This episode is for anyone who has ever bitten their tongue in a conversation that needed to happen. For anyone who has let something slide one too many times and felt a piece of themselves go with it. And for anyone who suspects that the life they want is on the other side of a conversation they have been too afraid to have.

The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. This episode will help you get there.

Episode Breakdown

03:01 Why Difficult Conversations Feel Like a Threat (Not a Choice)

05:56 Kwame’s Origin Story — From People Pleaser to Negotiation Expert

10:16 The Difference Between Being Liked and Being Respected

16:36 Every Difficult Conversation Is a Relationship Test

26:01 How to Stop Caring If People Are Mad at You

39:21 Negotiation Isn’t What You Think It Is

51:37 The Compassionate Curiosity Framework — Live Roleplay

01:06:02 What It Actually Means to Be Confident in Conflict

Resources

Full article: https://www.growingself.com/how-to-have-difficult-conversations/

Free Communication Training (2-part video + workbook): https://www.growingself.com/communication/

Relationship coaching at Growing Self: https://www.growingself.com/relationship-coaching/

If today’s conversation stirred something in you, you do not have to work through it alone. My team of coaches and therapists at Growing Self is here. A free consultation, no pressure, just a real conversation about where you are and what might help. Come find us at growingself.com.

And if you know someone who avoids conflict to keep the peace, please share this one. I bet you already have someone in mind.

With love,

xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Special thanks to this month's sponsors:

Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at ⁠upwork.com⁠ — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit ⁠shopify.com/lhs⁠ to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at ⁠oseamalibu.com⁠ for 10% off your first order

Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at ⁠quince.com/lhs⁠.

LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ⁠ProlonLife.com/LHS⁠ for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

Burnout and stress don’t just drain energy, they drain connection.

If you’re in burnout, it can spike stress & anxiety and create real conflict & repair work at home.

And here’s the part most people miss: sometimes burnout isn’t solved by “pushing harder” or even taking a break. Sometimes it’s about play. Not childish, silly, or irresponsible play. But a playful mindset—curiosity, experimentation, levity—that changes how you experience your real life, in real time.

In this conversation, I’m joined by Piera Gelardi to talk about burnout recovery through a lens most people never consider. Piera is a creative entrepreneur, artist, and the co-founder of Refinery29 and 29Rooms, and her work is all about helping people reconnect with joy, creativity, and aliveness. Together, we explore what happens when life gets so serious, so scheduled, and so responsibility-heavy that you lose touch with the parts of yourself that feel light, open, and fully alive.

We talk about “play deprivation,” the difference between having fun and living playfully, and why recovery from burnout often has less to do with escaping your life and more to do with changing your relationship to it. You’ll hear why humor as a coping mechanism can be surprisingly healing, how playful curiosity can shift conflict, and why the quiet boredom in relationship can sometimes be a sign that something important has gone missing. This is a warm, honest conversation about stress, connection, resilience, and what helps people feel like themselves again.

We also get practical. Piera shares simple ways to bring more play into ordinary life, from finding the funny in hard moments to remixing daily routines, noticing beauty, and experimenting with small changes that make life feel less heavy. As you listen, I’d love for you to consider: What has gotten so serious lately? Where have you made joy conditional? And what might change if play was not something you earned after everything else was done, but part of how you cared for yourself all along?

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 Why Play Matters for Adults

09:08 What Play Deprivation Really Looks Like

21:21 The Different Ways Adults Experience Play

30:11 How Humor Can Help You Cope

39:13 Wonder Wandering and Everyday Joy

41:16 Playfulness in Relationships

44:46 Why Play Is Fuel, Not Frivolous

If you’re noticing that stress has taken over your mood, your relationships, or your ability to enjoy your own life, this might be a good time to get support. You can book a free consultation with me or a member of my team, and we’ll talk about what’s been feeling hard, what you want to change, and what kind of support would actually help. We’ll help you find the right counselor or coach so you can feel more grounded, more connected, and more like yourself again.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order

Sometimes the worst part of betrayal is not what happened. It’s what keeps happening inside you afterward. Betrayal trauma recovery is about understanding why betrayal trauma can leave you anxious, hypervigilant, angry, shut down, or unsure of yourself long after the original event is over.

In this episode, we’re revisiting a conversation about what happens when someone you love, trust, or depend on hurts you in a way that changes how safe the world feels. Whether the rupture came through infidelity, dishonesty, emotional abandonment, or another kind of relational betrayal, the aftermath can be disorienting in ways people do not always talk about clearly enough. We’ll look at why betrayal can create trauma responses that feel a lot like PTSD, and why healing after betrayal often takes more than insight alone.

We’ll also explore what betrayal trauma recovery can look like in real life: naming the wound honestly, recognizing your trauma responses, understanding the difference between a real threat and an old trigger, and creating the kind of emotional safety that makes healing possible. If you’ve been trying to rebuild trust after betrayal, make sense of healing after infidelity, or learn how to trust yourself again, this episode offers a compassionate and grounded place to begin.

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 Betrayal Trauma Recovery

04:09 Why Betrayal Can Feel Like Trauma

08:38 What Counts as Betrayal?

15:43 Self-Blame and Losing Trust in Yourself

23:14 Betrayal Trauma Symptoms: Fear, Hypervigilance, and Avoidance

35:02 How Betrayal Trauma Recovery Begins

46:53 Why Safety Has to Come Before Healing

52:08 Healing, Boundaries, and Learning to Trust Yourself Again

If this episode gave language to something you’ve been carrying alone, I’d like to offer you a gentle next step. You can schedule a free consultation with me or someone on my team, and we’ll help you find the right support for you. It’s private, secure, and only takes a couple of minutes to answer three quick questions so we can match you with the right counselor or coach. Think of it as a thoughtful first step toward feeling more clear, more supported, and more like yourself again.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order

If you struggle with boundaries, you can end up “nice”… and quietly miserable.

Because when conflict shows up, you default to appeasing, avoiding, or people-pleasing. And then the same communication problems keep replaying until your emotional intimacy erodes.

In this conversation, I’m joined by Kelvin Davis to talk about people pleasing, nice guy syndrome, and what it looks like to stop performing “niceness” and start showing up with honesty, courage, and self-respect. Kelvin shares how therapy helped him recognize his own people pleasing patterns, his fear of conflict, and the ways that conflict avoidance shaped his marriage, his identity, and his growth. If you’ve been trying to understand how to stop being a people pleaser, or why people pleasing keeps costing you closeness, clarity, and respect, this episode is for you.

We’re also talking about how to set boundaries without becoming cold, defensive, or rigid. Kelvin opens up about emotional avoidance, approval-seeking, and the painful moment of realizing that being liked is not the same thing as being respected. Together, we explore the hidden cost of conflict avoidance, the difference between being a “nice guy” and being a good man, and why emotional intimacy begins to erode when hard conversations never really happen. This is a thoughtful conversation about people pleasing, relationships, self-respect, and what it takes to choose growth over comfort.

Kelvin Davis is the founder and creator of Notoriously Dapper, a body positive menswear blog showcasing outfits to inspire men of all sizes to find confidence in their appearance. Notoriously Dapper was created to inspire all men to embrace who they are. In this episode, he brings that same message of authenticity to emotional growth too: how to stop shrinking, how to set boundaries, and how to become someone who can stay kind without abandoning themselves.

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 Nice Guy Syndrome and People-Pleasing

02:50 From Nice Guy to Good Man

08:49 Emotional Cheating and Emotional Intimacy

12:07 How to Set Boundaries

24:07 Choose Hard Now, Easy Later

34:20 Be Buffalo, Not Cows

39:06 Hard Conversations and Conflict Avoidance

53:56 Boundaries, Balance, and Respect

If this conversation hit something tender in you, I’d love to offer you a way to take the next step. When you’ve spent a long time being the one who keeps the peace, avoids conflict, or bends yourself into whatever other people need, it can be hard to know how to begin doing something different. You deserve support with that.

You can answer three quick questions so we can help you schedule a free consultation with the right expert on my team. It’s private, secure, and only takes a couple of minutes. If you’re ready to work on people pleasing, how to set boundaries, or the relationship patterns that keep replaying in your life, this is a warm, thoughtful place to begin.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order

Anxiety, especially climate anxiety, can feel like a constant alarm you can’t shut off.

If you’re living with stress & anxiety, chronic stress, and an undercurrent of grief, you’re not alone.

And when it starts tipping into burnout, you need tools that build real-world agency.

In this conversation, I’m joined by Dr. Katharine Wilkinson — writer, teacher, creator, and one of the clearest voices I know on climate emotions and meaningful action. We’re talking about climate anxiety, eco anxiety, climate change anxiety, and the emotional toll of living in a world that can feel harder to trust than it used to. This is a conversation about how to stay grounded without shutting down, and how to move through fear without letting it run your life.

We talk about the difference between healthy fear and anxiety that starts taking over, and why anxiety about climate change can leave so many people feeling helpless, isolated, or stuck. Dr. Katharine shares how guilt, anger, and climate grief can become sources of information instead of feelings to numb out or carry alone. We also talk about community, young people, uncertainty, and how meaningful action can help shift you out of paralysis and into a deeper sense of agency. At the end, I put my psychologist hat on and talk through what to do when climate anxiety, chronic stress, or burnout begin affecting your sleep, mood, focus, or daily functioning.

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 The Emotional Reality of Climate Anxiety

06:06 Guilt, Action, and Agency

18:02 Healthy Fear vs. Climate Anxiety

21:11 Community, Connection, and Collective Action

39:37 Helping Young People Face an Uncertain Future

45:03 Rage, Grief, and a Way Forward

If this conversation brought up something tender for you — fear, grief, burnout, or that constant sense of bracing for what’s next — I want to offer you a gentle next step. Let’s find the right support for you. You can schedule a free consultation with me or someone on my team. It’s a private, secure space where you’ll answer three quick questions so we can help match you with the right counselor or coach for what you’re carrying right now. It only takes a couple of minutes, and it may be the beginning of feeling more supported, more grounded, and less alone.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

Upwork - Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at Upwork.com — posting a job is free

OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order

Long distance relationships can be sweet and brutal at the same time. You miss each other, you overthink texts, you put way too much pressure on visits, and sometimes one weird phone call can throw off your whole week. If you’ve been trying to figure out how to make long distance work without losing your mind or your connection, this episode is for you.

This week on the Love, Happiness, and Success podcast, I’m revisiting an earlier conversation with my colleague Brogan Crosby about what actually helps long distance couples stay strong. Brogan is a couples therapist at Growing Self, and her clinical work and master’s research both focus on long distance relationships. Together, we talk about the real challenges couples run into, including disconnection, insecurity, pressure around time together, and the fear that physical distance might start turning into emotional distance.

We also get into what helps. This is a practical conversation about how to stay connected in a long distance relationship, how to build emotional security across the miles, and how to use love languages creatively when you can’t just reach for each other at the end of a hard day. From FaceTime and shared meals to letters, movie nights, and thoughtful gestures, this episode is full of grounded long distance relationship advice that can help your relationship feel stronger and more secure.

Brogan also shares something that deserves more attention: long distance relationships can have real strengths too. Space can create room for personal growth, deeper appreciation, and more intentional connection. We also talk about what happens when the distance finally closes, because moving in together is its own transition. Even when love is solid, couples still need honest conversations about expectations, roles, and how to stay connected in a new season of the relationship.

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 Introduction to Long Distance Relationships

04:55 Common Challenges in Long Distance Relationships

15:01 Unexpected Strengths of Long Distance Relationships

20:06 Emotional Security and Staying Connected

35:01 Love Languages Across the Miles

48:13 Transitioning from Long Distance to Living Together

If you’ve been carrying the stress of loving someone from far away, and you’re tired of wondering whether the distance is slowly pulling you apart, I’d love to connect with you.

You can schedule a free consultation with me or a member of my team. It’s a private, secure space where you can tell us what’s been happening in your relationship, what’s feeling hard, and what you wish felt different. We’ll help you get matched with the right counselor or coach so you can feel more connected, more understood, and more confident about how to build a strong, secure relationship, even across the miles.

You don’t have to keep trying to figure this out on your own. 💗

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order

Most relationship mistakes do not begin with one dramatic betrayal or blowout fight. More often, they begin with unhealthy relationship habits like defensiveness, blame, criticism, neglect, and communication problems in relationships that slowly create emotional disconnection over time. If your relationship has been feeling harder than it used to, this episode will help you understand why.

In this Love, Happiness and Success classic, I’m revisiting one of my favorite conversations about the subtle patterns that can quietly damage even a good relationship. As a marriage counselor, I’ve seen how easy it is to focus on what your partner is doing wrong while missing the ways you may also be contributing to resentment, distance, and disconnection.

We’re talking about some of the most common relationship mistakes, including making the relationship too much about yourself, blaming your issues instead of taking responsibility for them, neglecting your partner, criticizing instead of communicating clearly, bottling up feelings, and expecting problems to get better without direct effort. We also get into why blame, defensiveness, and mind-reading are so destructive, and what helps instead: empathy, accountability, honest communication, and the willingness to address problems while they are still small.

This episode is a reminder that strong relationships are built with intention. When you can recognize the unhealthy relationship habits that are getting in the way, it becomes much easier to create more trust, more warmth, and more connection.

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 The Relationship Mistakes That Cause Real Damage

04:25 Unhealthy Relationship Habits That Push Partners Apart

10:03 Communication Problems in Relationships: Blame, Defensiveness, and Criticism

20:26 Emotional Disconnection: When Couples Stop Really Talking

30:08 How to Fix Relationship Problems Before They Get Worse

42:03 Final Takeaways on Healthy Relationship Skills

If you’re recognizing some of these patterns in your own relationship, and you’re ready for things to feel different, I’d love to connect with you.

You can schedule a free consultation with me or a member of my team. It’s a private, secure space where you can tell us what’s really been happening in your relationship, what’s feeling hard, and what you wish felt different. We’ll help you get matched with the right counselor or coach so you can feel more understood, more connected, and more confident in your ability to create healthy, secure love.

You do not have to keep trying to figure this out on your own. 💗

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

Upwork - Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at Upwork.com — posting a job is free.

If you want a secure bond but keep feeling activated or shut down, you’re not doomed. 

A secure bond gets built through emotional intimacy, trust, and safe relationships, not willpower. Most people hear about attachment styles and think, “Okay… that’s me.” But insight alone doesn’t change your nervous system. And it doesn’t change your relationship patterns.

In this conversation, Dr. Amir Levine and I are talking about secure attachment, what it really means, and how to become securely attached in the relationships that matter most. Knowing you lean anxious or avoidant is one thing. Creating emotional safety in relationships is something else entirely. When love starts to feel like chasing, bracing, second-guessing, or shutting down, that is usually not a character flaw. It is a pattern that can change.

Dr. Amir Levine is a Columbia-trained psychiatrist and neuroscientist, an Associate Professor of Clinical Psychiatry at Columbia University Medical Center, and the coauthor of the multi-million-copy bestseller Attached. In his new book, Secure, he explains what a secure attachment style in relationships looks like, why attachment is not a fixed sentence from childhood, and how safe, steady relationships can help your nervous system move toward more trust and connection.

We talk about anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment, the difference between attachment patterns and attachment disorders, and why security matters far beyond romance. You’ll also hear why avoidant attachment style communication patterns can leave both people feeling more distressed, how small moments of responsiveness build trust, and why some relationships keep your attachment system activated instead of helping you feel safe.

As you listen, notice which relationships help you feel calmer, clearer, and more like yourself. Then notice which ones leave you spinning. That awareness can change a lot.

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 Why Knowing Your Attachment Style Still Leaves You Stuck

03:14 What Secure Attachment Looks Like in Real Life

06:31 Which Attachment Style Sounds Most Like You?

15:40 Why Secure Attachment Changes More Than Your Love Life

20:21 Can You Become More Secure Over Time?

26:55 The Five Traits That Create Emotional Safety

37:35 How to Ask for What Helps You Feel Safe

48:08 The Tiny Moments That Rewire Attachment

55:32 How to Break the Anxious Protest Cycle

1:02:17 When It’s Time to Get Support

If this conversation brought up some clarity for you about your relationship patterns, attachment style, or the ways you long to feel more secure with the people you love, I want to offer you something. At Growing Self, we make it easy to find the right kind of support for exactly what you’re working through. You can answer three quick questions and we’ll help you book a free consultation with the expert on our team who fits you best. It’s private, secure, and only takes a couple of minutes. Whether you want help creating more emotional safety in relationships, breaking old patterns, or moving toward a more secure attachment, we’d be honored to support you. 💗

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

Upwork - Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at Upwork.com — posting a job is free.

If parenting is bringing out anger you don’t recognize… you’re not alone.

And if anxiety is riding shotgun in your nervous system, same. Today we’re talking emotions, conflict, and repair so you can stay safe and secure even when things get messy.

In this conversation, I’m joined by Eli Harwood, known as the “Attachment Nerd,” a licensed therapist, bestselling author, and educator who specializes in attachment-based parenting and relationship guidance, helping families and individuals nurture secure attachment patterns. We’re talking about why parenting anger happens, what it may be trying to tell you, and how to work with it without shaming yourself or taking it out on your kids. If you’ve been looking for anger management for parents that feels compassionate, grounded, and actually useful in real life, this episode is for you.

We also get into parental anxiety, emotion coaching, secure attachment parenting, and the kind of inner work that helps you stay steady when your child is anything but. Eli shares why anger is not the enemy, why repair matters more than perfection, and how your own childhood story can quietly shape the way you respond to stress, conflict, and your kids’ biggest feelings. In a lot of ways, this conversation becomes an anger management parents guide for the real moments nobody prepares you for. As you listen, I’d love for you to consider: when your child is upset, what gets activated in you first: anger, anxiety, shame, helplessness, or something else?

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 Why Parenting Brings Up Old Patterns

05:10 Learning Emotionally Secure Parenting

10:15 Parenting Anger as a Signal

13:05 What to Do When Your Child Says “I Hate You”

19:55 Bedtime Battles, Screens, and Repair

24:56 Healing Your Own Story With Compassion

34:20 Why Parents Need Support Too

38:53 Managing Parental Anxiety

52:24 Dr. Lisa’s Reflections and Next Steps

And if today’s conversation left you thinking, Yep… this is bigger than just bedtime and bad moods, I’d love to offer you a gentle next step. We created a simple, private way to help you find the right kind of support at Growing Self. Just answer three quick questions, and we’ll help you book a free consultation with the expert who fits you best. It’s secure, it only takes a couple of minutes, and it can be a meaningful first step if you’re ready to do the kind of healing work that changes not just how you feel, but how you show up in your relationships and your parenting, too.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

This episode is proudly sponsored by Upwork — and it's a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.