By the end of the gratitude journal, the breath work, the affirmation in the mirror, you felt worse, not better. You're not failing at positivity. You're using tools that were never designed to do what you're asking them to do.

In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Deepika Chopra, the clinical health psychologist known as The Optimism Doctor and the author of the new book The Power of Real Optimism. Deepika has spent over a decade studying why optimism is a skill, not a personality trait, and her work has appeared everywhere from the TODAY Show to Forbes to Vogue. She joined me to explain why forced positivity actually makes anxiety worse, and what real, durable optimism looks like when you stop performing it and start practicing it.

In this conversation, you'll learn:

• Why an optimist isn't someone who feels good all the time, and what they're actually doing differently in their head
• The exact reason 'I am confident' affirmations can deepen self-doubt, and how to phrase them so your brain stops detecting them as a lie
• The specific moment Deepika's optimism work was tested in the hardest way it could be, and what shifted for her in the middle of it
• Why scheduling worry time actually reduces anxiety instead of feeding it
• The ta-da list (yes, ta-da) and why it rewires what your brain pays attention to at the end of the day
• The one mental shift that moves you from rumination to agency when nothing about your circumstances has changed
• What modeling real optimism for the people who love you actually looks like, especially if those people are your kids

This episode is for anyone who has tried to think their way into feeling better and quietly felt like a fraud doing it. If you've ever closed a self-help book and felt worse, if you've ever heard someone say 'good vibes only' and wanted to throw something, if you're currently navigating something genuinely hard and tired of being told to look on the bright side, this conversation will give you something more honest, and more useful, than any of that.

Episode Breakdown

00:00 The Permission You Didn't Know You Needed

04:38 How Dr. Deepika Became the Optimism Doctor

18:20 What Real Optimism Actually Is (And What It Isn't)

23:55 Why Most Approaches to Positivity Backfire

27:25 The Brain Is an Anticipatory Organ

31:15 How to Find Agency When Everything Feels Out of Control

46:35 The Ta-Da List and Why It Works

48:55 Scheduled Worry Time (Yes, Really)

51:30 Modeling Optimism for the People Watching You

54:00 What Real Resilience Actually Builds

Resources

• Full episode article and resources

• Free What's Holding You Back? quiz

• Life coaching with our team

• Personal growth coaching

If something in this conversation landed for you, share it with one person. You probably already have someone in mind, the friend who's been white-knuckling their way through something hard. Send it to them. And follow the show wherever you listen so you don't miss what's coming next.

XO,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast

• Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
• Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
• OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
• LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

A year. Two years. Five years. Ten years. Still stuck on the same person. If that is you, this episode is not going to tell you to give it more time.

In this episode, I sit down with my colleague Jesse Stanley, a licensed marriage and family therapist and board-certified coach who co-facilitates our Heartbreak Recovery Intensive with me here at Growing Self. Between us, we have watched a lot of people walk in still tangled up in a relationship that ended months or years ago, and walk out free of it. Jesse joined me to talk about what we have seen actually work, including the one reframe that unlocks years of stuckness for almost every person we meet.

In this episode:

• The factory accident sign that explains why you have been resetting your healing clock for years without realizing it
• Why a breakup mimics the symptoms of PTSD, and what is actually happening in your nervous system
• The exact reason your thinking brain and your attachment brain disagree about whether to text your ex back
• Why heartbreak recovery groups move people faster than years of one-on-one therapy
• The closure myth that keeps people waiting for an apology from someone unable to give it
• The airplane metaphor that finally lets you accept the good parts of a relationship that had to end
• Why most therapists are not trained in heartbreak recovery, and what to look for instead
• The reclaim-the-song, reclaim-the-room experiment that does more than years of talking about feelings

Why this matters

This episode is for anyone who has been stuck on a past relationship long enough to be embarrassed about it. The person you cannot stop checking in on. The relationship that ended a long time ago but somehow still has a vote in your life. The voice in your head that keeps telling you that you should be over this by now. We see you, and we have seen this. There is a way through, even if it has been years.

Episode Breakdown

00:00 Stuck on Your Ex for Years? It's Not a Life Sentence

05:45 Why You Can't Stop Resetting the Recovery Clock

09:30 Why a Breakup Feels Like Physical Withdrawal

12:30 The Difference Between Thinking Brain and Attachment Brain

14:30 Why Groups Move You Faster Than One-on-One Therapy

22:50 Closure Is Something You Give Yourself

26:30 Taking Your Power Back After a Breakup

30:00 Why Therapy Alone May Keep You Stuck

34:00 How to Actually Start Healing From a Broken Heart

47:30 This Won't Always Feel Like This

Resources

• Full episode article and show notes

• How Over Your Ex Are You? Quiz

• Heartbreak Recovery program at Growing Self

• Online breakup support group

• Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

• Schedule a free first conversation

If you are listening to this and recognizing yourself, the years-stuck part, the closure-waiting part, the cannot-stop-checking part, that recognition is the signal. Send me an email at [email protected], or come find me at GrowingSelf.com. We do free first conversations. No pressure, no commitment. Just a real conversation about what is actually going on for you, and whether the kind of work we do here might help.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. If you want to know exactly where you are in the process before you talk to anyone, the How Over Your Ex Are You? quiz at growingself.com/breakup-quiz-how-over-your-ex-are-you takes about two minutes and tells you the truth.

Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast

• Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
• Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
• OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
• Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.
• LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

Have you ever felt like every tab in your brain is open, and not one of them will close? That was Sam Yo at 23, the year before he walked away from a successful London stage career to spend years in a Thai Buddhist monastery. In this episode, I sit down with him for the conversation I needed when my own brain wouldn't stop running.

Sam is now a Peloton instructor and the author of The Monk's Mindset (Blackstone, May 19, 2026). His arc, from London stage to Thai monastery to a global Peloton audience, was just featured in PEOPLE Magazine. He left a roller coaster of stage, sports car, and success because the noise inside had grown louder than the noise outside. What he learned in the silence is what he teaches his Peloton students and the readers of his new book: you don't need to escape your life to find stillness. You learn to carry it.

We talk about why your overthinking isn't actually a thinking problem, what your nervous system is doing at two in the morning when you can't let a conversation go, and the small named practices that interrupt the spiral. Sam walks us through a 90-second breath exercise live on the recording, the three daily anchors he uses to keep himself tethered, and the three filters his teacher gave him to run before you react to anything.

In This Episode

• Why your overthinking isn't a thinking problem (and what it actually is)
• The 4-2-6 breath that interrupts a 2 a.m. spiral in 90 seconds, walked through live on the episode
• The three daily anchors that quiet a restless mind: intention, reset, reflection
• The walking practice Sam's teacher gave him when he couldn't sit still and meditate
• How emptying your cup changes the way you listen in every relationship you have
• The three filters to run before you react: is it true, is it kind, is it necessary
• Why a Peloton ride teaches the same thing a Thai monastery taught Sam
• The teacher's lesson about a cut foot that reframes every setback as redirection

This episode is for anyone who has lain awake at two in the morning replaying a conversation from earlier that day, wondering why their brain won't let it go. It is for the person who has downloaded three meditation apps and quit each one because the silence felt like one more thing to be good at. Sam's tools don't ask you to retreat from your life. They ask you to find the stillness that's already in it, in five breaths before you check your phone, in the warmth of a mug between your hands, in the sound of a broom on a kitchen floor.

Episode Breakdown

00:00 Why Your Mind Won't Stop, A Former Monk's Take on Overthinking 03:15 The Disconnect Behind a Life That Looks Good 15:43 Three Daily Anchors That Quiet a Restless Mind 18:22 Empty Your Cup, The Monk's Way of Listening 25:45 The Ripple Jar, Why Small Acts of Kindness Compound 32:23 Is Overthinking Just Anxiety in Disguise? 39:59 How to Calm a Racing Mind in 90 Seconds (The 4-2-6 Breath) 42:03 How to Be Present Without Hours of Meditation 49:40 Take a Different Path, Three Questions Before You React

Resources

• Read the full article

• Free Self-Esteem Test, because so much of the loop starts with the story you tell about yourself

• Life Coaching at Growing Self, our most-requested service for people who want a real human in their corner

• Free consultation, talk to a coach or therapist on our team, no commitment

If something in this episode landed for you, send it to the person you were thinking about while you listened. You probably already know who it is. And if you're ready for the deeper version of this work, a real person in your corner who does this with people every day, come find us at growingself.com.

XO,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast

• Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
• Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
• OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
• Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.
• LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

Have you ever lost a whole afternoon to a conversation that ended three days ago? Picking it apart, wondering what the other person actually meant, mentally rehearsing what you should have said. There is a name for what your brain is doing. ⁠It is called rumination, and according to research from Yale, it is the single most damaging mental habit science can measure⁠.

In this episode, I sit down with Donna Jackson Nakazawa, the science journalist who has spent decades translating cutting-edge neuroscience into language regular humans can actually use. Her new book Mind Drama (out this week) is the most useful explanation I have read of what is actually happening in your brain when you cannot stop replaying a conversation, and what the science says you can do about it. Donna and I get into the survival biology behind your overthinking, the unexpected link between early relationships and adult thought patterns, and her real-time interruption tool. She walks me through it live, with my own ruminative mind as the example. It got pretty real.

In This Episode

• The four-step framework Donna walked me through live, in real time, while I was actually overthinking something (it interrupts a spiral in under a minute)
• Why your brain creates these loops in the first place, and the evolutionary reason it cannot just stop on command
• The hidden link between your earliest relationships and the thought patterns you carry into adulthood
• The word for what you have been calling overthinking, and why nearly a third of adults have never heard it
• How rumination shows up at work, and the moment I realized I was doing it about my own business while we were recording
• The Yale research that names rumination as the biggest single predictor of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and even cognitive decline
• What science says does not work for overthinking (and why willpower keeps failing you)
• The reframe that changes everything: your rumination is a signal fire from your past, not a character flaw

Why This Matters

This episode is for anyone who has ever lost a whole day to a conversation that already happened. The smart, accomplished, self-aware woman who has read every book about mindset and still finds herself staring at the ceiling at 2 AM. The friend who knows logically that the email did not mean what she thinks it means, and who is on her seventh draft of a reply anyway. If you have ever caught yourself in a loop and thought, what is wrong with me, this conversation will start to answer that question. Spoiler: nothing is wrong with you.

Episode Breakdown

00:00 The Mental Spiral You Can't Stop

03:51 What Rumination Actually Is

06:06 Is Overthinking a Symptom of Anxiety?

08:35 Why Your Brain Won't Let It Go: A Survival Response Gone Rogue

12:01 Inside the Default Mode Network

18:39 How Overthinking Shows Up at Work and in Your Relationships

22:22 The MIST Framework: How to Stop Overthinking in Real Time

38:53 The Old Story Underneath the Spiral

45:57 Reclaiming the Voice Your Rumination Has Been Hiding

55:42 When You Need a Real Person, Not Just a Strategy

Resources

Take the ⁠What's Holding You Back? Quiz⁠

⁠Schedule a free consultation⁠ with a coach or therapist on the Growing Self team.

Here is what I want you to take away from this conversation: your brain getting stuck in a loop is not a character flaw. It is a real neural pattern with real roots, and it is genuinely changeable.

If this conversation made you realize you are ready to actually do something about this with a real person, my team at Growing Self does free first conversations. No commitment, no pressure. Just a real conversation with a coach or therapist who gets it.

If this episode meant something to you, please share it with the friend you already have in mind.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

⁠Growing Self

⁠

Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast:

Upwork — Access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.

Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at ⁠quince.com/lhs⁠.

LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ⁠ProlonLife.com/LHS⁠ for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

It’s 5:47 PM. You’re trying to make dinner. Your four-year-old is melting down. You hand her the iPad, just for twenty minutes. She gets quiet. And then, because you’re a person who loves your kid, you feel like a bad parent.

Hey. It happens. I’ve been there too.

And the man I sat down with for this conversation has been there too, except in his case, he’s the one who invented the technology you just handed her.

In this episode, I sit down with Rob LoCascio, the man who invented web chat in 1995 and built LivePerson into a public company powering customer conversations for Apple, American Express, and Citibank. After twenty-eight years inside the conversational AI industry, watching his own three kids try to grow up in the world he helped build, Rob had a reckoning. He started a new company building tech for kids that doesn’t exploit them, and he sat down with me to explain, with receipts, what is actually happening behind the screen your kid won’t put down.

In This Episode

• The exact moment a tech founder realized he was losing his own kids to the screens he built, and why it changed everything for him
• Why senior YouTube executives quietly don’t let their own kids use YouTube, and what they know that you don’t
• The reframe that turns the daily iPad battle from a parenting failure into a systems problem
• What Jonathan Haidt’s research found when Apple introduced the front-facing camera, and why youth depression rates spiked globally at the same moment
• Why your kid asks for the iPad when she’s upset, and what is actually happening in her nervous system in that moment
• The 25-million-person creator economy your kid is being fed by, and why "just set limits" stopped working in 2020
• What healthier tech for kids could actually look like, and what to ask before you hand any device to a four-year-old

Why This Matters

This episode is for anyone who has handed their kid a device just to get through dinner and then felt the wave of guilt that follows. For the parent who has yelled, then immediately regretted it, then negotiated, then given in. For the mom or dad whose kid melts down when the iPad gets put away, and who has started to wonder whether something deeper is going on. You are not crazy. You are not failing. You are up against an industry that is very, very good at what it does, and what it does is not in your kid’s interest. This episode names what you have been feeling, and gives you new language for what is actually happening.

Episode Breakdown

01:42 The Screen Time Fight Every Parent Knows

05:00 The Inventor of Web Chat Pulls Back the Curtain

09:00 Devices Are Homework, Not a Babysitter

12:00 What’s Actually Inside the Videos Your Kids Are Watching

15:30 What Screens Do to a Developing Brain

19:11 "I Feel Like I’ve Lost": A Tech Founder’s Confession

22:45 Why YouTube Executives Won’t Let Their Kids Use YouTube

25:25 The 25-Million-Person Machine Behind Every Scroll

37:00 Why Early Exposure Hits a Developing Brain Harder

43:15 What Healthier Tech for Kids Could Actually Look Like

Resources

Read the full article and access every resource Rob mentions in this episode (including his work at KID Company)

One-on-one parenting coaching and family therapy with our team

Schedule a free consultation, no pressure, no commitment

If you know another parent who has been crying in the bathroom over the iPad fight (and you probably have someone in mind right now), please share this episode with them. They will feel less alone, and that matters more than you know.

XO,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Are you in a codependent relationship? If so you're probably feeling anxious, frustrated, and exhausted from trying to create positive change in your relationship single-handedly. (Or feeling like you're never quite good enough to meet the standards of your partner). Not fun for anyone!

On today's episode, we're taking a deep dive into codependent relationships. Listen, and learn:

- What codependent relationships are

- Why they happen

- The stages of codependency recovery

- How you can get un-fused from each other so that you can both grow and flourish.

⁠How to stop being codependent:⁠ All for you!

xoxo, 

⁠ Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby⁠

⁠GrowingSelf.com

Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast

Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.

Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.

LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

“We talk all the time, but I still feel alone in my marriage.” If that sentence has ever crossed your mind on a Tuesday night, mid-load of dishes, with your partner three feet away, you are not imagining it. And you are not the only one.

In this episode, I sit down with Debra Fileta, the licensed therapist who has spent more than twenty years in clinical practice helping couples figure out exactly this. Debra is the author of nine books and the host of the nationally syndicated podcast Talk To Me, and her newest book, People Skills, is built around an idea that I think is going to be a relief for a lot of you. Most relationship pain is not a love problem. It is a skill problem. And skills can be built.

In This Episode

• The three levels of communication, and why almost every couple stalls at level two without realizing it
• Why “we talk all the time” is not the same thing as feeling close, even after twenty years of marriage
• The thirty-minute weekly ritual Debra and her husband John have used for fifteen years to keep their marriage from drifting
• Why being “nice” is not the same as having strong people skills, and the people-pleasing trap that masquerades as kindness
• How to tell the difference between a one-time conflict and a relationship pattern that is pointing at something deeper
• The volume-dial reframe for couples where one partner feels everything at a 7 and the other at a 3
• The empathy practice that takes thirty seconds and changes the way you see almost everyone in your life
• Why “I keep attracting the wrong people” is the wrong question, and the better one Debra asks instead

Why This Matters

This episode is for anyone who has caught themselves thinking, something has shifted between us and I cannot put my finger on what. For the partner who feels like they are always the one initiating real conversation. For the couple who used to talk for hours and now mostly talks about logistics. For anyone who has wondered if needing more depth in their marriage is asking too much. It is not. And the way back is more learnable than you might think.

Episode Breakdown

02:30 It is Not a Lack of Love, It is a Lack of Skill

06:30 Patterns vs. Pain Points (How to Tell If You Are the Common Denominator)

10:30 Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People (And How to Change Your “Magnet”)

14:00 The Three Levels of Communication: Why Most Couples Never Get Past Level Two

17:30 Duck Floaty or Scuba Diver? The Sunday Night Check-In That Saved a Marriage

23:00 When One of You Feels Everything at a 7 and the Other at a 3

29:30 The Yalom Story: How to Actually Look Out Your Partner’s Window

33:00 Trauma Does Not Excuse Us, But It Does Explain Us

Resources

Free Communication Training (two-part video plus workbook)

Work with a couples counselor or relationship coach on my team

If something in this conversation lands somewhere specific for you, that is the signal to do something with it. Start with the free communication training at growingself.com/communication. It is two short videos and a workbook, and you can do it this weekend.

And if you want to go a little deeper, we do free first conversations at growingself.com. No pressure, no commitment, just a real conversation about what is actually going on in your relationship and whether what we do here might be a fit.

I will see you back on the podcast soon.

xo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast

Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.

Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.

LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

Forty Colombian farmers sat looking at her, completely unimpressed, when the cartel boss in the back of the room opened a case and a drone flew up out of it.

In this episode, I sit down with Attia Qureshi, the negotiation teacher who learned her craft running State Department conflict-resolution work in cartel-controlled coca regions of Colombia, and who now teaches at the University of Michigan after a stint at MIT Sloan. Her new book Never Settle, with a foreword by Sheila Heen and endorsements from Daniel Pink, Robert Cialdini, and Chris Voss, hits shelves next week. The thing I love about her work is that she does not treat negotiation as a boardroom sport. She treats it as a daily relationship skill, the kind you practice with your barista so it is already in your hands when something hard comes up at home.

In This Episode

• The four-step sequence Attia used to reset a room of 40 unimpressed farmers and a cartel boss with a drone, and how the same four steps work in your kitchen tonight
• Why "take out the trash" is the position and not the actual ask, and the one-sentence reframe that changes how you fight about household chores
• The fifth-grade bullying story that produced the hard shell most of us are still wearing into adulthood
• The seven-word test that tells you whether you are influencing someone or manipulating them
• Why the freeze you feel when you try to speak up is physiology, not personality, and what to do about it in real time
• How to know when you are giving too much to a taker, and the experiment Attia recommends before you decide to cut losses
• The literal glass of lemonade that turned a hostile next-door neighbor into a friendly one, and the Cialdini-backed science underneath it

Why This Matters

This episode is for anyone who knows what they want and goes quiet when it is time to ask. For anyone stuck in a loop with a difficult coworker or in-law that has been the same loop for three years. For anyone who has tried the assertive thing once and the people-pleasing thing once and is exhausted by both, and who wants a path that does not require a personality transplant.

Episode Breakdown

0:30 How to Get What You Want: Without Fighting or Folding

2:52 Bethany and the Exoskeleton: Where the People-Pleaser-or-Hardener Split Begins

7:18 Why You Freeze When You Try to Ask for What You Want

14:19 A Drone, a Drug Cartel, and How to Negotiate Without Being Aggressive

28:39 Self-Negotiation: Emotional Regulation Before the Conversation Starts

33:22 Positions vs Interests: What You Are Really Asking For

36:01 The Lemonade Story: Reciprocity, Reset, and the Long Game

46:21 Givers, Takers, Matchers, and the Difference Between Influence and Manipulation

Resources

• Free Communication Training (workbook plus two-part video)

• Schedule a free consultation with our team

• Relationship coaching at Growing Self

If something in this conversation landed somewhere specific for you, the most generous thing you can do is share it with the friend who came to mind while you were listening. And if you are ready to stop having this same conversation in your head and start having a different one out loud, my free Communication Training is at growingself.com/communication. It is the workbook and video series I built for exactly the kind of conversation Attia and I were just having.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast

Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.

Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.

LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift.

Scientists gave people Tylenol before a social rejection. It worked. Your nervous system treats being left out the same way it treats a broken bone. That is why telling yourself to just get over it has never, ever worked. And it is why this conversation with negotiation expert Kwame Christian is going to change how you see your own fear of conflict.

If you’re non confrontational by nature, or you’ve spent years being a people pleaser to keep things smooth, what Kwame explains in this episode is going to feel like the first time someone has accurately described what is actually happening inside you. The fear is not weakness. It is biology. And there is a way through it.

In this episode, I sit down with Kwame Christian, CEO of the American Negotiation Institute and host of Negotiate Anything. His framework, Compassionate Curiosity, is built entirely on empathy, genuine curiosity, and a clear sense of what you actually value. We did a live roleplay about household labor and invisible work, and I want to be honest with you: I felt the shift in real time. The resistance just left. That is what this approach does.

In This Episode

• The neuroscience behind conflict avoidance, including why social rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain

• Kwame’s origin story as a people pleaser and exactly how he treated his fear of conflict like a phobia to overcome it

• The difference between being liked and being respected, and why only one of them gets you where you want to go

• A complete reframe of what negotiation actually is, and why the goal is never to win but to discover what is possible

• The Compassionate Curiosity framework step by step, including the pre-conversation internal work that makes you harder to rattle

• The Situation/Impact/Invitation opener that dissolves defensiveness before the hard conversation even begins

• A live roleplay on the invisible work conversation with a real-time demonstration of the shift that happens when you stop fighting

• What confidence in conflict actually looks like when it is not swagger

Why This Matters

This episode is for anyone who has ever bitten their tongue in a conversation that needed to happen. For anyone who has let something slide one too many times and felt a piece of themselves go with it. And for anyone who suspects that the life they want is on the other side of a conversation they have been too afraid to have.

The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. This episode will help you get there.

Episode Breakdown

03:01 Why Difficult Conversations Feel Like a Threat (Not a Choice)

05:56 Kwame’s Origin Story — From People Pleaser to Negotiation Expert

10:16 The Difference Between Being Liked and Being Respected

16:36 Every Difficult Conversation Is a Relationship Test

26:01 How to Stop Caring If People Are Mad at You

39:21 Negotiation Isn’t What You Think It Is

51:37 The Compassionate Curiosity Framework — Live Roleplay

01:06:02 What It Actually Means to Be Confident in Conflict

Resources

Full article: https://www.growingself.com/how-to-have-difficult-conversations/

Free Communication Training (2-part video + workbook): https://www.growingself.com/communication/

Relationship coaching at Growing Self: https://www.growingself.com/relationship-coaching/

If today’s conversation stirred something in you, you do not have to work through it alone. My team of coaches and therapists at Growing Self is here. A free consultation, no pressure, just a real conversation about where you are and what might help. Come find us at growingself.com.

And if you know someone who avoids conflict to keep the peace, please share this one. I bet you already have someone in mind.

With love,

xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Special thanks to this month's sponsors:

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Burnout and stress don’t just drain energy, they drain connection.

If you’re in burnout, it can spike stress & anxiety and create real conflict & repair work at home.

And here’s the part most people miss: sometimes burnout isn’t solved by “pushing harder” or even taking a break. Sometimes it’s about play. Not childish, silly, or irresponsible play. But a playful mindset—curiosity, experimentation, levity—that changes how you experience your real life, in real time.

In this conversation, I’m joined by Piera Gelardi to talk about burnout recovery through a lens most people never consider. Piera is a creative entrepreneur, artist, and the co-founder of Refinery29 and 29Rooms, and her work is all about helping people reconnect with joy, creativity, and aliveness. Together, we explore what happens when life gets so serious, so scheduled, and so responsibility-heavy that you lose touch with the parts of yourself that feel light, open, and fully alive.

We talk about “play deprivation,” the difference between having fun and living playfully, and why recovery from burnout often has less to do with escaping your life and more to do with changing your relationship to it. You’ll hear why humor as a coping mechanism can be surprisingly healing, how playful curiosity can shift conflict, and why the quiet boredom in relationship can sometimes be a sign that something important has gone missing. This is a warm, honest conversation about stress, connection, resilience, and what helps people feel like themselves again.

We also get practical. Piera shares simple ways to bring more play into ordinary life, from finding the funny in hard moments to remixing daily routines, noticing beauty, and experimenting with small changes that make life feel less heavy. As you listen, I’d love for you to consider: What has gotten so serious lately? Where have you made joy conditional? And what might change if play was not something you earned after everything else was done, but part of how you cared for yourself all along?

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 Why Play Matters for Adults

09:08 What Play Deprivation Really Looks Like

21:21 The Different Ways Adults Experience Play

30:11 How Humor Can Help You Cope

39:13 Wonder Wandering and Everyday Joy

41:16 Playfulness in Relationships

44:46 Why Play Is Fuel, Not Frivolous

If you’re noticing that stress has taken over your mood, your relationships, or your ability to enjoy your own life, this might be a good time to get support. You can book a free consultation with me or a member of my team, and we’ll talk about what’s been feeling hard, what you want to change, and what kind of support would actually help. We’ll help you find the right counselor or coach so you can feel more grounded, more connected, and more like yourself again.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order

Sometimes the worst part of betrayal is not what happened. It’s what keeps happening inside you afterward. Betrayal trauma recovery is about understanding why betrayal trauma can leave you anxious, hypervigilant, angry, shut down, or unsure of yourself long after the original event is over.

In this episode, we’re revisiting a conversation about what happens when someone you love, trust, or depend on hurts you in a way that changes how safe the world feels. Whether the rupture came through infidelity, dishonesty, emotional abandonment, or another kind of relational betrayal, the aftermath can be disorienting in ways people do not always talk about clearly enough. We’ll look at why betrayal can create trauma responses that feel a lot like PTSD, and why healing after betrayal often takes more than insight alone.

We’ll also explore what betrayal trauma recovery can look like in real life: naming the wound honestly, recognizing your trauma responses, understanding the difference between a real threat and an old trigger, and creating the kind of emotional safety that makes healing possible. If you’ve been trying to rebuild trust after betrayal, make sense of healing after infidelity, or learn how to trust yourself again, this episode offers a compassionate and grounded place to begin.

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 Betrayal Trauma Recovery

04:09 Why Betrayal Can Feel Like Trauma

08:38 What Counts as Betrayal?

15:43 Self-Blame and Losing Trust in Yourself

23:14 Betrayal Trauma Symptoms: Fear, Hypervigilance, and Avoidance

35:02 How Betrayal Trauma Recovery Begins

46:53 Why Safety Has to Come Before Healing

52:08 Healing, Boundaries, and Learning to Trust Yourself Again

If this episode gave language to something you’ve been carrying alone, I’d like to offer you a gentle next step. You can schedule a free consultation with me or someone on my team, and we’ll help you find the right support for you. It’s private, secure, and only takes a couple of minutes to answer three quick questions so we can match you with the right counselor or coach. Think of it as a thoughtful first step toward feeling more clear, more supported, and more like yourself again.

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Growing Self

Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.

Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.

OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order