Just Help is the title of a children’s book written by one of our Supreme Court justices, Sonia Sotomayor. Although it’s a kid’s book, its message is for all ages. As we approach a new year, Just Help’s message challenges us all to daily find ways to answer the central question of the book: “What will you do today to make the world a better place?”

When she was a girl, each day when Sonia woke up, her mother asked her a question, “How will you help today to make the world a better place?” Then each morning, Sonia set about to have a good answer to her mother’s question. Via charming pictures and text, Sonia and her friends discover ways to make their neighborhood, city and the wider world a better place.

Building a better world is a big project, one that takes a lot of work, and is not always easy, but it begins with a simple question: “How will I help today?”

Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor, of the US Supreme Court

Justice Sotomayor challenges us: What will you do today to make the world a better place? What a great question to ask ourselves each day of the new year. Each of us has the power to make a positive difference in our city, community and the world. Use your power. Here are just a few ideas to start your quest for making our world a happier, healthier, and more peaceful world for all people:

• Make cookies for a new neighbor or for a lonely person
• Write a note or make a phone call to connect with someone who is going through a difficult time
• Offer to run errands for a person who cannot get out
• Shovel someone’s sidewalk or driveway.
• Work in the coffee or gift shops at your local hospital
• Read to children at a preschool
• Decorate lunch bags for organizations such as Kids’ Food Basket

How will you help today to make the world a better place?

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Do you know an elderly relative or friend and wonder what to give them for Christmas? Here are some holiday gift ideas that are sure to show you care.

• Elderly people feel the cold more, so a cozy lap blanket, afghan, bed jacket, or a “wearable blanket” like a Snuggie or Comfy would be a good gift.
• Offer to come by and decorate the Christmas tree.  Bring some goodies and Christmas music and make it a party.
• Buy them a new board game or a holiday-themed jigsaw puzzle and a promise to come by and play with them.  Be sure to follow through on the promise.
• A fruit or flower/plant-of-the-month would give the person something to look forward to each month.
• Ask them what their favorite songs/music genre is; then curate a list for them on a music streaming service (Spotify/Pandora) and show them how to download the app and listen
• Watch a holiday-themed movie with them; reminisce about favorite holiday traditions from their childhood

Or how about a gift that gives all year long? What if you made a promise to visit your elderly loved one each month?  That’s what my son Jeff did for my mother. Jeff pledged to visit his grandma (my mom) once a month for a year.  This involved a 4-hour round trip for him.  He took his computer along and showed her family pictures. She was so pleased.  He also asked her questions about her life. (See our list of over 70 “life story” questions to ask an elderly loved one.)

It is so true, that the greatest gift you can give an elderly person is to be consistent all year long with visits, phone calls and small thoughtful gestures.

Carol Gioia

So although an elderly friend or loved one is sure to appreciate any gift you give, it might be true that  the greatest gift would be visits, phone calls and small thoughtful gestures all year long.

Those continuous gestures tell your special elder that he/she is loved and cherished all the time, not just at Christmas time.

Editor’s note: many of the gift ideas were inspired by a blog post by Carol Gioia, which is no longer available online.

Photo Credit: Sirah Quyyom

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Who can resist freshly baked homemade chocolate chip cookies (or any kind of cookie, for that matter?) How do you like to eat your chocolate chip cookies . . . Warm? With a glass of cold milk? With a cup of coffee?

But guess what? You could enjoy those cookies even more if you share some of them with another person. Maybe a friend who is going through a rough time.

Consider also giving the person frozen cookies; for, as one mother said, “If you bring cookies frozen then I can have the delight of sending fresh goodies in my children’s lunch boxes or surprise them with a special after school snack.”

Invite your children to help in the cookie making project. Maybe they would like to decorate a box or a bag in which the cookies can be given to the friend. Also suggest that they design a “Get Well” card or “Thinking of You” card to accompany the gift of cookies.

If the cookies are for a child, you might like to include the book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.

Here is my favorite Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe:

Ingredients:
1 C. Oil
1 C. Butter
1 C. White Sugar
1 C.   Brown Sugar
1 tsp. Salt
1 Egg
1 Tbsp. Milk
1 tsp. Vanilla
4 C.     Flour
1 tsp. Cream of Tartar
1 tsp. Baking Soda
1-1 ½   C. Chocolate Chips
½   C. chopped nuts (optional)

Beat the first 8 ingredients for two minutes. Add flour, cream of tartar and soda. Beat for two minutes. Add chocolate chips and nuts (optional).  Bake at 350 degrees for 9-10 minutes on an ungreased baking sheet.

Recipe by: Pat Barrett

Updated: 2024

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Did you know that a person needs at least four hugs a day for healthy survival? Virginia Satir was a pioneering family therapist who is credited with the following quote: “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.”

Sometimes we forget the value of human touch.

On the way home from a conference, Don Piper’s car was crushed by a semi that crossed into his lane.  After 34 surgeries and one year in the hospital Don finally came home. Don says, “When my eight year old son came home from school, without saying a word, Chris would walk over and lay his head on my chest. I don’t know how long his head lay there, probably not more than a full minute. He never said a word. He didn’t need to. That simple gesture was enough. I felt so loved by my son. He expressed his grief in the only way he knew how.”

The power of the human touch is vital. Several sources suggest that most people benefit from a hug. Hugs can help people fight off infections, ease depression and reduce blood pressure.  Start by hugging your children and your spouse.  What a difference you will make in their lives.

Never forget the value of human touch.  Who needs a hug from you today?

Updated 2024

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Which day of the week is the loneliest day for widows and widowers?

Here is what a few grieving spouses have shared with me about feeling lonely.

Glenda’s husband was killed in a private plane crash, and she says, “I was completely devastated. It took about fifteen months before I was able to function in a fairly normal capacity without breaking into tears.”

 “There was a significant letdown after the funeral when friends return to the living of their own lives,” Glenda continues.  In addition to those “special” days like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, widowed persons say that Sunday is the loneliest day of the week.  Therefore, Glenda suggests, “offer to meet the person at church.  (I did not want to sit alone and needed incentive to go since I was angry at God).”  Also, knowing how lonely Sundays can be, she encourages friends to invite the alone person to Sunday Brunch.

Another widower shared, “Invite the grieving person to attend church with you, and offer to pick him or her up since this encourages him or her to keep the date.”

And here’s a suggestion from me: if you notice a person sitting alone in church, join them.   They won’t feel so alone and lonely. This is true for everyone, not just widows and widowers.

God Bless.

Updated 2024

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Rabbi Hirshel Jaffe, known as “The Running Rabbi” says, “For over 20 years as a rabbi, before my illness, I had helped others through crisis. I was supposed to have all the answers. Yet when I got sick, I discovered I didn’t have them. I felt confused, frightened and desperate. My experience with serious illness has made me want to share with you what I’ve learned.

When my physicians noticed how depressed I was in the hospital, they said, ‘Be a rabbi—go and counsel other patients.’ I did, and my energy and zest for life came back.”

The following are some comments on the value of volunteering:

Volunteering increases self-confidence. Volunteering can provide a healthy boost to your self-confidence, self-esteem, and life satisfaction. You are doing good for others and the community, which provides a natural sense of accomplishment. Your role as a volunteer can also give you a sense of pride and identity. And the better you feel about yourself, the more likely you are to have a positive view of your life and future goals.

Volunteering combats depression. Reducing the risk of depression is another important benefit of volunteering. A key risk factor for depression is social isolation. Volunteering keeps you in regular contact with others and helps you develop a solid support system, which in turn protects you against stress and depression when you’re going through challenging times.

Volunteering helps you stay physically healthy. Volunteering is good for your health at any age, but it’s especially beneficial in older adults. Studies have found that those who volunteer have a lower mortality rate than those who do not, even when considering factors like the health of the participants. Volunteering has also been shown to lessen symptoms of chronic pain or heart disease.

Help yourself by helping others.

Need ideas to get started? Download our free e-book, 122+ Ways to Care Well, filled with simple ways to care for the people in your life.

Updated 2024

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When Ginger and I collected wisdom stories for our first book, The Compassionate Congregation, we asked individuals to (1) Describe a time when they suffered or grieved, and (2) What did people say or do which helped you during that difficult time? 

During our interviews, man in his forties man told me, “A really difficult time was when my dad died.  At the visitation and funeral, lots of people hugged and talked to my mom, and I just stood by myself feeling sad and lonely. During that horrible time, my mom received lots of cards, flowers, and visits; however, only one person reached out to me with a little note.”  Then he took out his billfold and unfolded a small piece of weathered paper which said: “I am so sorry about your dad’s death.  You must be so sad.  Thinking of you.”

My interview subject paused briefly, then he continued, “That was 30 years ago, and I kept this note to remind myself that children grieve too.”  30 years! Just imagine—a friend invests perhaps two minutes to jot down a note of condolence—and those words of comfort end up traveling for years with the bereaved.

Jeff Munroe, author of Telling Stories in the Dark, Finding Healing and Hope in Sharing our Sadness, Grief, Trauma, and Pain, reiterates this man’s message.  Jeff writes, “One of the most important things people who want to help a friend after the loss of a spouse can do is reach out to their friend’s children.  Ask how they’re doing.  Be their friend.  The lack of that adds to the grief.”

So, if you know a young person whose recently suffered a loss, please consider reaching out to them. You could write them a note using my “3 R-s” note-writing formula. Like the 40-year-old man from our interviews, the youngster will certainly remember the kindness, perhaps for decades to come.

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My neighbor Debbie was ill, and I wanted to care for her, but I didn’t know what to do.  It would be so helpful if individuals would just tell me how to help them. But that isn’t always practical, because when someone is ill, it can be difficult for them to make decisions.  What should I do when I don’t know how to help?

Here’s how I solved the problem: by sending Debbie a “Multiple Choice Caregiving Email.”  In this email I wrote: 

Debbie, I am so sorry to hear that you are ill. I would really like to do something for you.  Today and tomorrow, I have extra time. May I do any of the following for you?  (Check your choices.)

___ do some errands today or tomorrow
___ bring you some cider and donuts
___ grocery shop
___ bring you and Jim soup and salad from Panera Bread (indicate your choice of soup and salad.)
___ bring you a blueberry smoothie

___ bring you homemade chocolate chip cookies or ice cream (indicate your favorite flavor).
___ bring you some Sloppy Joes and buns. (I have some already made in the freezer.)
___ or bring you whatever sounds good to you.

Surely, you can find something in this list which sounds good?
Caring,
Karen

Within minutes, Debbie emailed me with her response: “Karen, what a list! You are so sweet with all your suggestions and so many good ones! What I would like is for you to share some of your favorite books–ones that have impacted your life.” Immediately, I delivered three of my favorite books and some clementines to Debbie.

What’s so wonderful about this form of caregiving is you can modify the list to fit your friend’s particular situation. For example, if your friend has children, you can offer to pick them up from or drop them off at their after-school activities. Multiple Choice Caregiving answers that reoccurring question, “What can I do to help someone who is suffering?” Try it.

Post updated 2024

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After suffering two strokes, my mother said to the doctor, “I don’t know why God didn’t just let me die?” The doctor said, “Must be God still has work for you to do.” Mom replied, “I can’t imagine what that would be. I’m no good for anything!”  Then the doctor offered this observation: “It’s your smile. When I walked into this room you smiled the most loving, beautiful smile. I think people right here in this nursing home need your smile.”

The reverend Jim Kok once wrote, “A friend of mine arrived at church early for a meeting, so she sat in her car listening to the radio.  Someone pulled in and parked next to her.  My friend turned and smiled.  A few minutes later there was a knock on her window.  It was the person she’d smiled at.  ‘Thank you for smiling,’ she said.  ‘I’ve had some very bad news today, and your smile just lifted my spirits.’  Yes, a smile can work wonders.”

A gentle word, a kind look, a good-natured smile can work wonders and accomplish miracles.

William Hazlitt

Yes, it is so true – many times, all we need to do to lift a person’s spirits is offer a small gesture, one that takes very little time or effort. Author and educator Leo Buscaglia is credited with saying, “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” 

Small gestures of human kindness have the power to make a difference. 

Whose life will you make better today with your smile?

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The world can seem dark with its news of escalating wars, people starving, friends and family members struggling with cancer, the upcoming presidential election, our nation’s loneliness epidemic and other sad and scary news.

Against this bleak backdrop, I read an article in The New York Times written by Catherine Price, “When the World Feels Dark, Seek Out Delight” which didn’t dissolve all the bad news but helped me to also hold on to some light, or perhaps you might say, some “delight.”

Catherine suggests that we “make a point to notice things in our everyday life that delight you.  This could be anything—a pretty flower, a smile you share with a stranger, the sight of a person playing a trumpet while riding a unicycle down a major Philadelphia thoroughfare (true story).”

An important part of this ritual, according to Catherine, is that “whenever you notice something that delights you, you lift your arm, raise your index finger in the air and say, out loud with enthusiasm, ‘Delight!’  (Yes, even if you’re alone.)”

Larry and I have been practicing noticing positive things and labeling them and sharing them.  At first, we felt a little silly when we shot our arms in the air and declared, “Delight!” but now it is a delight to share a delight. For example:

• In late December, my “delight” was holding Brayden’s, my great grandson’s, hand as we crossed a road.
• On January 1:  Larry identified a moonflower and then both our arms shot up as we declared “Delight!”

This year will still be filled with sadness and darkness, but it will also be filled with delights. I resolve to notice them. Please join me.

Update:

Recently, Larry and I traveled to New York City and look what we saw! A huge bronze statue by the artist Hank Willis Thomas, located in Brooklyn. It’s called “Unity.”

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What can a porcupine teach us about caregiving?

In Martin Bell’s book, The Way of the Wolf, he tells the story about a porcupine who was a misfit in society and had no friends:

One day, the porcupine stumbled upon a raccoon who had been shot and was near death. The porcupine remained with the raccoon and heard his sad story.  Then both fell silent.  After a while the raccoon asked, “Are you still there?”

“Yes,” replied the porcupine, “I’m still here.  I was just wondering what to do now.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do anything!” said the dying raccoon.  “Honestly, I mean that.  Just stay with me for a little while.  Just be here.  Don’t go away please, I’m afraid.  You won’t go away, will you?”

Please believe that 90% of helping is just showing up. . . .just be there!

Dr. Jim Kok, a caregiving pastor based in California says, “Jesus died for us.  We die for others when we vacate our comfort zones, the places where we are in control and stand closer to the heartbroken.  We may feel helpless, weak and tongue-tied, but we will know that we are partners in doing the right thing.  Just be there.”

Updated 2023

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