Princess Diana Memorial and Southport based lies

My new hero and role model is the unbreakable Sepp Blatter. I also go to Redhill and rue Alfred Nobel's failure to destroy it.

I discuss the wonder of innocence, the terror of loss and the tiniest lloyds bank in the world. I don't need to tell you that that is Kenneth Blackburne, can't believe I didn't use him in my Ken based chicken routine

Even more frustration with BT Infinity. How long will this last? Clue in the name.

I try out a new smart watch and feel pleased with myself that I haven't gone with Apple (even though I slightly wish I had gone with Apple)

I want to work, but have been tired out and turned grey(er) by this happy little monster.

BT let me down again, even though I have an ology.

Back in Cheddar, reminiscing like a middle aged twazzock.

I multi-task like a motherflipper and keep 50% of the creatures in my life happy. Then to Taunton to perform for the incestuous people of Somerset, play Addams Family Pinball and mourn the loss of another icon from my childhood.

Self-playing snooker attempts to raise a million pounds and I think about Jack and the Beanstalk from the perspective of the old man who swapped his magic beans for a non-magic cow.

I am in charge of my daughter for most of the day. Can I keep her in one piece and undrowned (spoiler alert) yes.