Recorded: Saturday October 24, 2009

Description:
The Podcast makes its triumphant comeback as Storchy goes home to Chitown to shot gun beers and frat it as he records his buddies as they shoot ducks and lay tracks.

so saturday was snake's birthday party out in nj at clyde's girl's house. i was the first person to arrive. immediately started pounding beers. was eating all sorts of dips. all sorts of chips. actually only tostidos, but lots of them. shrimp cocktail. pigs in blankets with mustard. and horseradish mustard. and ketchup. then we start playing beer pong and ive got my side beers going. by game 3 im hammered and the most full i've ever been. i "sit a few plays out" because i lost, but also because id never been more full in my life. i couldnt have consumed another ounce of anything. i didnt even finish the beers from that last game. i gave them to my teammate, bob buttons to finish (sidenote: he had too many legendary quotes from the party to list. one of my favorite is the blog title).

so there was this banging buffalo chicken cheese dip that clyde's girlfriend made. but since i was the first person there, me clyde and snake basically killed almost all this dip before anyone got there. So to reiterate, i was fucking full as hell. honestly tho i was kind of pissed because i wanted to keep drinking. but i was going to be in a coma if i didnt handle this situation asap. so i went upstairs to the bathroom with a little separation from the party and was going to force myself to boot. not difficult. the boot flowed easily. not only was i shocked that i was able to boot with such ease, but i was also impressed by the amount of boot. there was quite a bit. didnt remember eating this much buff chicken cheese dip, but that was basically all I was booting. after a point i stopped, but i knew there was more work to be done. made one last boot heave. ahhhhh relief. felt light like bobby.

flush. shit! there's boot all over the bowl.... no problem. ive dealt with problems like this before. only need a little tp. uh. no tp. Ahhh thank god paper towel under the sink. crisis averted. clean it up. flush the towels down. successful mission. now just to wash my hands and head back to raging. look in mirror.

fantastic! boot splashback all over my white fucking tshirt. Buffalo chicken cheese vomit toilet water splashback. great. this party should be great from here on out. i take the shirt off and am scrubbing it in the sink. ferociously. alright the boot spots are coming off. some of them at least. i should be good to go. if i can just get these big ones off and put my zip up hoodie on when i go back downstairs no one will notice. fuck. this shirt is now soaking wet. cant go back to the party with a soaking shirt. its better than boot spots, but this will not do. alright, we're in a girls house. no biggie. ill just use a hair dryer. they have to have one in here. searching searching searching. nope. no hair dryer. ahhh but there is a hair straightener. bingo. bango. heat that bitch up, iron my shirt up. head back down to the party tshirt damper, 4 pounds lighter, ready to fucking rage.

one "pickmeup" blunt and 4 or 5 beers later and i'm on the train back to the city. completely assed out. dont remember walking back to my apartment, but i do remember walking thru a movie set and right by Tina Fey and Steve Carell, who both looked me in the eye. im not sure if i was walking thru the shot or something, but Tina did not look happy (hot tho). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_Night

that is all.

Storchy.

Recorded: Monday May 18, 2009

Description:
In their epic recordbreaking return to podcast respectability, Storch and Snake are joined by Clive Driscoll to shoot the shit. Storch talks about passing out in Baby's Crib, then the fam discusses Jon Sterling's Yankees, White NBA Playoff Performers, Kobe Doin' Work On My Balls, and LePaulBunyan James.



- According To Royalty

Recorded: Thursday May 14, 2009

Description: The Podcast returns as Jon Storch is joined by a mascara wearing Bobby Light via two coffee cans and a piece of string. They discuss Hollywood Dean, The Phantom Wipe, eHarmony, SmellyPoon, & Redheads in Asian Cliques in the most emo way imaginable.


- According To Royalty

Snake Jacobs has invited you to the event, “People who hit maybe attending are assholes.”

First of all, if you really aren’t sure if you’re attending don’t click anything. Everyone knows that “awaiting reply” is the same thing as I’m not sure yet. In this age of blackberries and iphones everyone sees the invitation the minute it’s sent out.

For everyone else who doesn’t work a real job, you pretty much know if you are going to an event the minute you see it. If it’s an invite from someone from college who you rarely see and don’t even know their real first name, click “not attending” right away.

Blank “The Tank” Blankenberg has invited you to the event, “I’m turning 24. Let’s break shit.”

“Damn that was the Tank's first name. Not attending.”

Secondly, if the invite is from a close friend or a hot girl, click “attending.” It’s not a lifetime commitment. I’ve never heard of manslaughter as a result from people saying they would attend a party but never showed up.

But still, you are actually clicking the “maybe attending” button on a Facebook event? Wow! Keep us on the edge of our seat. “Holy shit, did you see Lebron James is maybe attending the event!” That would be exciting. Not, “Wow Dante Leibowitz is maybe attending. Who the fuck is Dante Leibowitz(foreshadow)?” Do you see the difference? Nobody cares if you might be showing up. It doesn’t change my RSVP at all. The fact that you clicked “maybe attending” makes me not want you to show up at all. “Wow you are so slick Dante! You kept your status at “maybe attending” and then showed up anyway. What a pleasant surprise. We are so happy you made it! I put Exlax in your vodka tonic! Have a good night!”


Lastly, do not write on the wall. “Hey dude, I’m flying back from Cali that day. I’ll try to swing by for a little.” The way I interpret that is, “Hey I’m a huge loser and want to announce to everyone that I was just in California. I was actually with my parents visiting my sister at Pepperdine but I’m gonna tell everyone I partied at USC with smoking hot girls. I won’t be able to make it because I’m still hung over from those wine coolers I managed to get at the hotel but hopefully people will call me from the open bar asking if I’m almost there.”

Congratulations, “maybe attending” Facebook event responders. You just got Snake Bit.

ATR writes... SHARK "THE TRWTH" SHARKSLEY WAS IN PRE-ALGEBRA THE OTHER DAY. PRE-DOING ANY ALGEBRA, HE DID ART:
SHARKSLEY writes...and draws...and mspaints....This Panda is endangered (all pandas are) and is an accountant, making him especially rare:




This Beaver had sore teeth, so he borrowed some overalls and an ax and tried to hang with the local lumberjack gang, Timberticklers. Unfortunately, this lumberjack gang also happens to frequent gay bars, which this poor beaver felt very out of place at.



Far Side Reality TV, Episode #1:


-Trwth

SNAKE AND STORCH WERE IN ATTENDANCE FOR THE 2009 NCAA TOURNAMENT SWEET 16 GAME BETWEEN DUKE AND VILLANOVA. 
FOLLOWING THE GRATIFYING DUKE LOSS, SNAKE SLITHERED UNDER THE DOOR AND HID IN THE DUKE LOCKER ROOM. STORCH SIMPLY WALKED IN DRESSED IN HIS NORMAL CHIMNEY SWEEPER ATTIRE AND WAS NOT QUESTIONED FOR A CREDENTIAL. 
THEY WERE ABLE TO WATCH THE TEAM AS THEY LEFT THE COURT AND RECORD THEIR CONVERSATIONS FOR POSTERITY:

The players are walking toward the locker room. Greg Paulus starts clapping, “Guys bring it in. Let’s go.” Everyone is confused.

Henderson, “What. The. Fuck. Are you talking about? The season is over. Your career is ov—.”

Paulus interupts, “What about the NB—”

Before he can finish, Henderson slaps him in the mouth and puts his finger in his face, “No.” Henderson takes out his cell phone and hits speed dial #5. The phone rings. “Bill Duffy, please….. Bill, it’s Gerald…. Yeah tough loss, but at least I showcased what I can do… Of course I’m going to declare. You think I want to stay another season with this team full of crying faggots?” Jon Scheyer is walking beside him weeping. He hears this and bawls even harder.

Gerald looks at Jon, “Pussy ass white faggot.… Yeah, Bill, I want you to be my agent…. Press conference tomorrow sounds good.” He hangs up. He starts jumping around and sees Elliot Williams. “Yo, Big L, I’m lottery bound, bebe!”

Elliot: “Good shit, son. Yo I’m out, too. Goin’ home. Memphis, son.”

G: “Oh shit you transferring?”

Big L: “Can’t take these white pussies. Or that homo, Lance ‘Bass’ Thomas.”

G: “That’s exactly what I said. And true about Lance. He’s softer than Charmin ass paper.” G&L do a Manny/Big Papi handshake and head back into the locker room.

Coach K calls the team in, “Alright, guys gather up.” The players stop their moping and gather around Coach, with the exception of Brian Zoubek. Big Zoubs is at the doorway banging his head into the doorframe. “Woj, what on God’s green earth is Zoubek doing?”

Woj walks over to Zoubek to help him into the room. Right before he gets there Lance Thomas, who was not yet in the locker room because he was too busy crushing the dreams of his entire extended family, ducks around Zoubek strongly elbowing him in the gut causing him to keel over and finally get his head in. The referees’ locker room is across the hall. After calling the offensive elbow to the gut foul on Thomas throughout the entire game, all of the refs instinctually blow their whistles and in unison yell, “Flagrant!”

Big L leans over to Gerald, “He’s fucking flagrant alright.”

Coach K: “Woj, help Zoubek sit down…. Alright fellas, you guys had a great season. We reached our level of mediocrity as usual beating Maryland, Virginia Tech, and Florida State. We lost both times to Carolina but that’s okay. They are dark- I mean deeper than us. They were just black- I mean better this year. To be honest I didn’t even think we would get a 2 seed. I guess my gold medal pedigree really helped with that one, HAH! Anyway, forget about the NCAA tournament though. From the start of the season we had one goal, which was to win the ACC tournament. So good job there, everyone. We did it.” The coaching staff and Greg Paulus start clapping it up. “Now I have to go meet our recruits at the Yacht Club for the wine and cheese soiree. Take care, we’ll see some of you next season. By the way, let’s thank Paulus for his dedication to Duke University for the last four years. A truly forgetta—I mean, great career. I don’t know what we would have done without your 4.9 points per game this year. You are a unique player. And by unique I mean, you were the first player I’ve ever seen to get progressively worse from season to season. Ok, guys.” He taps the table. “See you soon.” As Coach K is leaving he walks by Paulus and exhaled loud enough for everyone to hear, “should have played football hah-hah.” He turns back to the room, “Oh yea and Zoubek, you’re off the team....horrible.”


As Coach K leaves, Paulus starts crying. Singler consoles him, “Greg, maybe you can pull a Drew Henson.”

Gerald contributes, “Yeah, Greg, you can add NFL failure to your list of accomplishments. Oh yeah, and I’m declaring.”

Big L packs up his stuff and follows, “I’m sure I’ll see you guys next year when I’m at Memphis as a 1 seed and you are a 1 seed but in the NIT.”

Nolan Smith stands up, “Damn, so now I’m the only black guy?”

“My brother, your name is Nolan. You are whiter than the snow in my country or that in the country of Brhyzinski Zoubek,” Martynas Pocius blurts out. Gerald and Big L crack up. This is especially embarrassing for Nolan because Martynas is from Lithuania.

Gerald says, “Oh shit, Big L. You hear Space-Jam-Shawn-Bradley’s real name is Brhyzinski??!”

Zoubek hears his name and lifts his head up. He couldn’t be more confused. He looks around, can’t figure it out, and looks back down at his size 19 clown shoes.

“I’m afraid of black guys,” Jon Scheyer admits aloud but to himself.

Singler stands up. Everyone else is for the most part is still in uniform, but somehow Kyle is already fully dressed in khakis and a blazer, “Hey guys, are we almost done? I’d really like to get to my piano recital.”

Scheyer immediately snaps out of his pussyfit, “Oouu!! Can I come??! I want to get a cappuccino first. Or something.”


Paulus also snaps out of it, “I’m coming too!!”

Singler and Scheyer giggle. Singler says, “Hee hee, oh silly, you just said ‘come.’” They all laugh.

The three of them skip into each other’s arms and make a circle ringing around a rosey.

Lance sees this and loses it. He storms to his locker and starts rummaging through his gym bag.

Gerald says, “What the fuck are you homos doing here?”

Lance finds what he’s looking for. It’s the dildo from Se7en.

IT WAS AT THIS POINT THAT SNAKE AND STORCH KNEW THE DIRECTION THIS WAS HEADED. THE ATR FAMILY LEFT AND WENT TO THE MOVIES TO SEE ‘I LOVE YOU, MAN’ TO LAUGH AND FORGET ABOUT THE TRAGEDY THAT WAS ALMOST WITNESSED.


-According To Royalty

ATR writes… ACCORDING TO RICK JAMES, "COCAINE IS A HELL OF A DRUG." APPARENTLY, SO ARE PAIN KILLERS...

ZMILLS WITH DA PKILLS writes…
The main problem I have with the current president is that he just does not seem to get it. I sit here, alone in my apartment, surfing Craigslist and Monster and even going down the phone book, calling mother fuckers for any job that would be willing to hire me and he goes on The Tonight Show and has the audacity to make fun of retards.

Its not that I am against making fun of retards, in fact, I think making fun of retards is possibly one of the funniest things us normies can do in our spare time. Who do they think they are talking all weirdy-like and have over exacerbated foreheads? They aren’t fooling anyone, I know that they are truly an alien species from the planet Down-Syndromedia who are currently trying to gain our acceptance through unconditional love, appreciation and ridiculously mighty retard strength.  
But as our economy plummets deeper and deeper into the shitter, I find myself losing faith in my country, my government, and most importantly myself. Like a strong percentage of the of the country, I have been laid off, have had my stocks, mutual funds and 401K depleted, am falling deeper into debt with credit cards and over drafts, bouncing checks with hookers and whores, inability to pay back my drug dealers for their product, and unable to fully pay my hitman for the assassinations I wish him to perform. Everyday, businesses are closing and declaring bankruptcy. Even some of the most stable and affluent business; such as, manufacturers of pharmaceutical drugs, are feeling the effect of the economy and are closing their fucking doors.

Yes, loyal readers of ATR, times are fucking tough, which brings me to what really has been grinding my gears. This past month, ACTAVIS which manufacturers the wonderful and insatiable 30 MG Roxicodone painkiller that I used to take on a regular basis, like 6-7 times a day, has shut their doors due to the economic crisis and loss of money based on people abusing their medication.

I was absolutely abusing their medication, so I guess I can be blamed partially, but did you think I got the nickname Zmillz with DA Pkillz for nothing?? It took years of getting high, drug abuse, straight addiction and withdrawals to get that moniker!

Think about this. The one thing I get pleasure from now in the shitty fucking economy is gone. My money, my soon to be apartment, my life, my friends and now my fucking Pain Killers are gone. I know the readers of ATR can relate with me when I say that the only thing left to do is make fun of retarded people to make us all feel better!

Making fun of retarded people is a drug of it’s own. It makes us feel better about ourselves as we look down on them and go to sleep at night knowing, and thanking god, that even though our lives are shit, and our painkillers are gone…at least we are not retarded.
-The Professional PKilla

ATR writes… FOLLOWING THIS DRUG-INDUCED RANT ZMILLS ALONG WITH HIS PKILLS POSTED THE FOLLOWING AD ON CRAIGSLIST…. ZMILLS, WE LAUGH AT YOUR MISFORTUNE.

SNAKE writes... AFTER BITING REAL WORLD BROOKLYN, I WAITED FOR THE VENOM TO SPREAD THROUGH THE CAST. WHILE I STARED AND TAUNTED MY PREY I SAW THAT PEOPLE WERE WATCHING THIS ATTACK. CLIVE DRISCOLL WAS ESPECIALLY ENTHUSED. IN FACT HE BEGAN CLUBBING THE WEAKENED VICTIM WITH HIS FAKE ARM...
CLIVE writes...First of all, I just want to say that it is about time someone came out and bashed this season’s Real World. Well done, Snake. Another successful bite. Having said that, this season should not just be snake bit but castrated (wait, Katelyn already was).

Being selected to be on the Real World is like getting the Golden Ticket of reality t.v. The producers, Bunim and Murray, one of whom is dead, so let me change that to Bunim or Murray, the one producer that is alive, is your Willy Wonka. Every year thousands upon thousands of fame-seeking nutcases send in their audition tapes, or to keep the analogy going, buy bars of chocolate. The tapes then get filtered down by the casting directors (who should be fired for this season a la Donald Trump to Andrew Dice Clay) who can alter any normal person’s life into a life of Gauntlet/Duel appearances, bar tours, and constant mockery on E!'s The Soup.

As Snake mentioned, these fucking moron casting directors selected not one but two people from Salt Lake City, Utah. As far as I know there are two things good about Salt Lake City, Utah, one is Karl "The Mailman" Malone,

() and.... nothing else. Also, correct me if I am wrong, doesn't the Real World consist of 7 cast members. 21 seasons of 7 cast members and this group of shmohawks (courtesy of Larry David) decide to cast 8. The final decision in putting the worst cast together in RW history must have been so hard that they decided they had to include the transgender AND the boring guy with great abs. Yet, here we are today, approaching the final episode of the worst season ever, or as I call it, my own personal glass elevator that will set me free of this nonsense world.

I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET, I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY EYE:

Picture each cast member’s initial reaction to getting the call (finding their ticket) to be chosen for the Real World…

Chet: So excited that he almost touched a boobie for the first time. Instead he wrapped his purple scarf around his neck and started masturbating furiously to pre-taped episodes of Carson Daily hosting TRL.

Ryan: Tried to return the engagement ring he bought his girlfriend, but found out it was non-refundable. Afterwards, he googled Pranks and started shining his shoes.

Carl: (Wait, who is Carl? Carl is Katelynn’s birth name.) Carl found out and wanted to really flip the script on the nation. Carl booked a plane to Thailand, bought a pair of booty shorts and went to a back-alley abortion clinic and said, "Make this work."

Scott: After finding out, Scott not pleased enough with his abs, spent 248 hours in the gym working out. Only stopping to check himself out in the mirror and to spot his workout buddy who happens to be into guys.

Sarah: Bitches and complains she got chosen because that is all she knows how to do. Feeling her sleeve of tattoos was not enough to make her stand out, she decides that back when she was 10 she shouldn’t have shared a sleeping bag with her father. He is now an estranged sexual molester and she the whiny-cunt of a victim.

Devyn: Wipes the cum of three casting directors off her face. She is so thrilled that she is chosen, she offers them the opportunity to tittyfuck her as well. Disgusted by her nipple-to-boobie ratio, they decline and ask her to leave.
J.D.: Has no family and no friends, he has no boyfriend because he is not gay, he is fucking faggot. JD celebrated by fucking the blowhole of his favorite dolphin, Fudgie. Not satisfied by Fudgie, JD then paid a homeless man 20 bucks to provide that particular golden twinkle in his eye.

Baya: Is so excited she has bee chosen and given a chance to escape her hometown of Salt Lake City. That night celebrating with her hippie parents she goes into a dance frenzy, falls and fucks up her two front teeth, leaving her with a noticeable gap. (I would still fuck her btw, she is hot.)

The Cast:

They arrive at the factory and the camera starts rolling. The nation finds out this year has a twist: 8 cast members. 4 guys and 4 girls? Or is it 5 guys and 3 girls? Or is it 2 guys and 6 girls?

What happened to the good old Real World Casting Stereotypes? The gay guy, the bumpkin, the bitch, the hot girl, the black guy, the weird guy, and the x-factor. Over the first 20 years, these tried-and-true stereotypes have provided us with great characters like the Miz, that Oakland Raiders cheerleader, Choral, multiple overly gay men, Tyree "you stabbed my father,” etc. This year we have no black guy. (To hold shit down.)

Instead we have Scott or Wonka's Mike Teavee. Teavee was, as his last name implied, a television fanatic, seldom away from his television set. Instead of TV, Scott is seldom away from the gym. The fucking moron has the opportunity to get any girl he wants on any night of the week and opts to play pool, check emails, workout, and build a love/hate relationship with a transgender. Remember the episode where, Katelynn has no money (because she spent god knows how much to clip her penis and turn it into a walking black hole looking to suck in anything within range) and Scott comes in and, despite their constant arguing, provides her with some money. I remember screaming out, “fuck” really loud. Typical douche. Scott deserves the same fate as Teavee, to be shrunk. Scott should stripped of all his steriods and given the same procedure as Katelynn since his nuts have already shrunk from the lack of pussy during this season. Fuck you, Scott, you fucking ungrateful piece of shit.

Speaking of Katelynn, the similarities between her and Arthur Slugworth are remarkable. They are both ugly as sin and evil. Slugworth is looking for the formula for the "everlasting gobstopper" and Katelynn is looking for the formula for the "everlasting nightmare." SHE HAS FOUND IT. Watching her flock around the house in booty shorts, make out with guys and girls, pole dance, and even just speak words has kept me up many a night, crying and asking why. Why hasn't Murray or Bunim said, "This is too much... We like nudity, it gets us ratings but this is just fucking wrong." She could wear the crown for ‘Someone-Who-Grosses-Me-The-Fuck-Out-On-Sight.’ Of course, in the movie it turns out that Slugworth is really Mr. Wilkerson, just like Katelynn pretending to something she is clearly not, a woman. Fuck you, you fucking disgusting piece of shit.

Speaking of pieces of shit, JD will take that crown. This midget dolphin trainer, like all gay men, thinks he is better than everyone else. I hate his posture, I hate the way he talks and looks. He can only be likened to the Oompa Loompas. First, he would fit in as an Oompa Loompa for his height. Second, he would fit in because he likes banging guys. I am sorry to drop the bomb, but hundreds of little orange men working in a chocolate factory with no women in sight? Excuse the obvious pun, but there is definitely some fudge packing. JD had the moment this season where he broke a glass table. I don't remember why and I don't care. Oh now I do, he is a drama queen who instead of singing catchy tunes that teach lessons, he sucks pole. Fuck you, you fucking cock-sucking piece of shit.

You can't say “cock-sucking” and not think of Chet. If he is straight and has never had a cock in or around his mouth, than I will jump out the window of my apartment. Chet is Augustus Gloop, the gluttonous overeater. Chet is not overeating, though, he is being overviewed. Every episode Chet dominates with his ambiguous behavior. Am I the only one who thinks he is on Ryan's balls a bit too much? He got his bowtie in a frenzy that one episode where Ryan didn't come home on time. We have to watch week after week as Chet hosts this show, or applies for his MTV job, or almost comes out, or pretends to like Scott’s friend to mask his cock loving. Additionally, he has worn the same outfits the whole season. You unoriginal fuck. You need to finally fall into that chocolate river and come out of the closet. I am sorry, mormon or not, if you are 21 years or older and have not touched a boob, you are gay. If you are not gay, you should think about becoming gay. Fuck you, you fucking virgin piece of shit.

One person who is clearly not a virgin is Devyn. As Beyonce says, “A Diva is the female version of a Hustler.” And as I say, “An annoying slutty cunt is the my version of a Diva.” If I hear Devyn liken herself to a Diva one more time, I am going to cut the fake titty out of her and suffocate her with it. Devyn, like Wonka's Veruca Salt, regularly exerts petulant behavior in order to get what she desires. Devyn spends her time on the phone talking to the 6-8 guys she teases in order to get what she wants, money. When I look at Devyn, I can't help but think she takes monster dumps. I hate how she wears that sleep mask also (just a sidenote). Devyn deserves the same fate as Veruca, whose endgame comes in Wonka's Nut Sorting Room. No explanation needed. Fuck you, you fucking Diva-wanna-be piece of shit.

Baya, oh Baya. Do people in Salt Lake City not fuck? She is really hot, she moves well, she has a bit of a gapper but that just gives u a target, like trying to score a goal. Baya is Violet Beauregarde, a tomboy who exhibits a more competitive spirit than the four other ticket winners. Baya does herself no justice by dressing in sweatpants and hoodies every episode. Show some skin, you should be pole dancing, not that mutant. Just as Violet chews her gum constantly, Baya constantly is not speaking as if she is chewing so much gum she can't speak. There are some episodes where I didn’t even see her once. Damn shame because I actually like her. She will suffer the same fate as Violet and turn into a giant blueberry. Baya will keep putting of her dancing dreams and after realizing that she missed the opportunity of a lifetime and took a back seat this season will comfort herself with food. After gaining 70 pounds, her DJ'ing dreams will end, and back to Salt Lake City. Fuck you, you fucking hot piece of shit.

Someone else on this season, I remotely like is Ryan or in Wonka's case, Charlie. Ryan is likable and good hearted like Charlie. But for fucks’ sake man, you are on the Real World. Have you not watched in the past? Guys like you are cleaning up on a nightly basis. By episode 4 you are supposed to break up with the home girlfriend and bang the hot room mate, Baya. It is a science. Did the PTSD take away your libido? Like Charlie, Ryan would rather hang out with his family than go out there and bang some hot ass. Charlie could have walked down the street with that golden ticket and banged some serious whores or in his case got jerked off (he was 11ish). Ryan could have banged Baya if he wanted to, and then moved onto the millions of NYC girls who would suck a dick for ten minutes of fame on MTV. But no, this fuck had to do the right thing like Charlie. Where did that get you though? Back in Iraq, with no pussy, you fucked up. Fuck you, you fucking honest piece of shit.

Last but not least, Sarah, the tattooed bitch who, as Snake pointed out, looks like the dude from Blink 182. I never thought she was remotely good looking but has she gained 20-30 pounds since the show started? What is with this season and choosing people with some serious issues? Transgender, JD's abusive father, Sarah's sexually abusive father, Ryan's army experience, Baya's SLC background, Chet's lackof pussy, Scott's steroid issue, Devyn's porn past. Sarah is Wonka's...actually fuck that, Sarah just sucks. Nothing good about her at all. What did the casting directors see in her? "Oh, she has a sleeve of tattoos, she is edgy." Yeah doing finger paintings with 5 year olds is real edgy. Sarah is the kind of girl who has a FUPA and hides it well and has a pussy that smells worse than curry mixed with an overweight kids sweat after a rigorous game of dodgeball. Fuck you, you fucking worst casted Real World member piece of shit.

YOU LOSE. GOOD DAY, SIR!!!

In summary, Bunim or Murray (the living one), should fire every casting director involved with this season’s meltdown. I blame myself for tuning in week after week hoping for Ryan to bang a chick, or Baya to show some skin, or Chet to cum instantly after touching his first vagina, or Devyn to not be on the phone, or Katelynn to get drunk reach inside herself and pull out Carl's penis, or Scott to jam that pool stick up his ass so far it comes out of his nose, or JD to go down on his roomates while they are asleep, or Sarah to not piss me off. Fuck this season, fuck Bunim or Murray, whichever one is alive. You all lose, you all wasted the golden ticket. There is no glass elevator for any of you, just a swift kick in the nuts, vag, or vagnuts from me if I ever see any of you walking the streets of NYC.

Congratulations, Real World. You've just been Driscolled.



-Clyde

This is the true story... of eight strangers(even though two of them are from Salt Lake City)... picked to live in a house...work together(none of them work together) and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real(boring)...The Real World.


Every Wednesday I waste an hour of my life hoping that something will actually happen. Something crazy is bound to happen, right? It's kind of like the quiet before the storm. Only I have given up, and now literally wait for an actual storm to destroy the house and entire cast. A tornado or tsunami would be fine. Even a fire would be sufficient.

First of all, Brooklyn! Come on! Real World Brooklyn? What's next? Real World Omaha? Real World Boca Raton? Who cares about Brooklyn. Here's a more exciting scenario: Real World My Parent's Basement. This is the third season in New York. Put on your creative pants and pick a better city.

Secondly, this is possibly the worst cast ever created. Here’s how you know that you fucked up. While reviewing the final cast members, you look at the roster and realized that you picked two people from Salt Lake City, Utah. Seriously? If you were going to pick a city and choose two people from that area, would Salt Lake City be the one?Bangor, Maine would have been a smarter choice. The 0-16 Detroit Lions were casted better. Pacman Jones and his crew is a smarter choice. Keenan Thompson on SNL is even better.

MTV should think about kicking people off the season like one of the Challenges ie; The Gauntlet or The Duel. Those shows have excitement. The people are so worried about going home, that they throw out all inhibition and act on animal instincts. It makes for good t.v. Instead they allow this mind numbing juxtaposition of real life and common street trash.

In the beginning of every episode they provide a brief recap reminding us of previous events. How dare you remind me! Why even do that? Here's a generic recap that can be used before every episode:
"Previously on the Real World, Katelynn grossed everyone out when she walked around in her underwear exposing her bulge and talking about her procedure. Ryan made fun of her and the other cast mates. Chet wore skinny jeans and tried to break through as a TRL VJ only to realize that he is the only person who didn't know the show got cancelled. Scott worked out and ate more protein while Devyn flirted with him and stayed up late talking on the phone. Baya got accepted into a dancing program but decided that walking around the house in sweatpants and talking to the tattooed girl took up too much time. J.D. wore bright colored bandanas and overly exaggerated v-neck shirts."
Then start the show.

Incase you haven’t watched this season(I’m very jealous of you), I have provided very detailed character descriptions that will allow you to understand what normal viewers go through every week.

Katelynn:
She's your typical girl next door. If you live next door to the Adam's Family or a back alley in Vietnam. Oh man, I just imagined her procedure and threw up on myself!

Scott:
Abs are a good way to impress girls but are ineffective if you never meet any of them. He has the personality of a punching dummy that you get from The Sports Authority.

Ryan:
He is the only person who has potential. On any other season he would fit in as funny cast member. Instead his pranks go unappreciated and he is forced to create his own silent films. I bet a normal day in Gettysburg is more exciting than his stint on the show. If I were him, I’d ask for a refund.

Chet:
He thinks he’s some innovator with fresh new ideas. In Salt Lake City, he probably has a unique style. That’s compared to conservative mormons though. In NYC and LA everyone wears skinny jeans. He tries to stick out, but if I saw him on the subway I would just think he was the tour manager for Yellowcard.

Baya:
I can’t tell if she is somewhat attractive or just looks decent compared to the other mutants. What I do know is the only thing worse than one cast member from SLC who doesn’t drink or have sex, is two cast members from SLC that don’t drink or have sex. She rarely gets drunk and hasn’t hooked up once. Ryan has a girlfriend. So what! Find some random dude and take him to the jacuzzi.

Sarah:
She should team up with Ryan in the army. Her scratchy, whiny voice should be used to torture POWs. I also keep getting her mixed up with Tom DeLonge from Blink 182.

J.D.:
Until last episode, I thought his name was D.J. Probably the least exciting gay guy in Real World history.

Devyn:
The only thing worse than a know-it-all, is a know-it-all who doesn’t know anything. She was the Miss Teen USA in 2005. A great prerequisite for an eventual coke fiend, or centerfold for Hustler magazine...or both.

Thank you MTV for wasting my time. You took advantage of millions of viewers. Now you have to put these idiots on the Challenges. Good luck with that.

Congratulations Real World. You just got Snake Bit.

-Snake Jacobs

SHARK SHARKSLEY MAKES HIS ACCORDING TO ROYALTY DEBUT WITH A POST ABOUT ROBOT DOCTORS THAT GET IN THERE AND DO SHIT:

"Quick get help, this woman might have bronchitis."

*note: as you can see, this lil guy can handle any emergency situation, medically. Don't ask him to change your tires.


-Shark Sharksley