Dear Tim Tebow supporters, detractors, and other people who search “Tim Tebow” and end up on this blog for an article I wrote last year (all 5,378 of you),

So good to see you again! By now you may be wondering what the #*@* the WordPress programmers are smoking to connect you to this blog when you search for Tim Tebow, but let me promise you that the cheerleader comparison a couple articles down is worth a gander.

For the 15 faithful followers who actually listened to and read our fantasy basketball material last fall, welcome back for another go around.

Let’s get right to the heart of the matter: fantasy basketball is awesome. It is the pinnacle of fantasy sports. That’s right, even better than saber metrics god Baseball and just barely a notch above fantasy curling (damn it, Jean Louis Picard of Nova Scotia just got picked one pick in front of me!! I hate when the best broom sweeper goes one pick before when he’s all that’s left in your queue).

Not only do you have to evaluate how well an individual player will do statistically, you have to find a winning balance of succeeding in  diverse categories that each and every player make a positive or negative impact on. It’s like a giant puzzle. I spent 2 hours alone analyzing the potential impact of an Andrew Bogut-for-JR Smith trade. This is why I slept through my day in court to argue my traffic violation. In the immortal words of Chris Farley, “… I was checking the a … specs on the end line, for the rotary, girder, I’m retarded . . .”

Now that I’ve made the case for my devotion to fantasy basketball and my rational priorities (1. Andrew Bogut’s impact on team FT% 2.Warrant issued for arrest for failure to appear in court), let’s get to the good stuff:

Position by position I’m going to give you the sleeper picks in basketball. Within these positions (PG, SG, PF, C, etc.) I have categories:

Apple Stock: Ready for Market Takeover

Health Care Reform: Needs to Stay Healthy

15 Minutes of Fame: Needs More Playing Time

Andrea Bargnani Bond Fund: Player with specialty potential or a “deep” sleeper.

Point Guards:

Point Guard is statistically a very difficult position to become good-to-great at. There are usually not many young PG who explode onto the scene. Players like Johnny Flynn or Brandon Jennings may have their moments this year, but they will likely have very damaging FG% and FT% and a horrible AST/TO ratio. The ramification is that you better grab at least one and possibly two top flight AST player in the first 6 rounds. Combos like Deron Williams and Tony Parker or Devin Harris and Joe Johnson work well. If you leave Assists until the end of the draft you will leave yourself open to failing in the category or being mediocre AND having lousy %, Turnovers, etc. But there are a few guys past the top 50 that stand out:

Apple Stock:

Jameer Nelson: (ADP: 56.6) Yes, he could go in the Health Care Reform category just as easily, but his injury last year (torn labrum) happened in a fluky way and is not a chronic injury. So let’s get back to talking about what he’s gonna do in 70-75 games this year. He is going to average 17 points a game, 6 assists a game, 2 three-pointers a game, 1.2 steals per game, 49% FG, 86% FT, and all while averaging only 2.1 turnovers a game!

That, folks, is Chauncey Billups with a much better FG%. And Chauncey Billups’ ADP (average draft position) is 16 while Nelson’s is 56. If Nelson had played all year in 2008 he would be a third round pick at worst and he should produce 2nd-3rd round quality numbers this year. Best of all, unlike Rajon Rondo or Tony Parker, Nelson excels at all standard PG categories so you don’t have to adjust your draft strategy and paint yourself into a corner to improve your FT% or 3PT

Split to know: In the first 42 games of the 2008, Nelson averaged 16.7 points per game, 2 three pointers per game, and shot 50.3% from the field and averaged just 2.0 turnovers per game.

Nate Robinson: (ADP: 109.6) I’ll keep this one short: Nate Robinson was the 46th highest rated player in Yahoo at season’s end. His final numbers are worth a look. He isn’t going to get any less time this year given how fragile & worn-out Chris Duhon is and how thin the Knicks’ backcourt is. It’s very reasonable to expect a repeat of his performance from last year, which deserves much higher than a middle of 9th round pick. In round 9 he represents a tremendous value.

Split to know: In 11 starts last year, Robinson averaged 21 PTS per game to go along with 5.6 REB and 5.0 AST per game.

15 Minutes of Fame:

Mike Conley: (ADP: 100.9) As mentioned before, PG is a position that can take some time for a young player to get a good grasp of. There is a lot of negative opinion about Conley, probably because he’s been

A) Playing for the Memphis Grizzlies

B) There are a legion of Allen Iverson fans who can’t seem to let go of a guy who used to shoot 40% on 24 shots a game and averaged 4.8 TO per game but is now so old that he can’t even muster those numbers.

C) Was the 4th pick overall but hasn’t amounted to much yet

Let’s not forget here that Conley was the 4th pick overall because he’s very talented. I don’t think he’s a superstar, but we’re talking about fantasy potential at a very thin position. In the second half last year he averaged 1.7 3PT per game, 1.7 STL per game, 14.5 PTS per game, and 5.6 AST per game, all while maintaining excellent shooting % and low TO.

The problem is that Grizzlies management is sort of like the guy who feels really happy with the girl he’s dating and stops going out on Saturday night with the fellas lest he be tempted (aka trading Kyle Lowry in the second half last year to give Conley 35+ MPG), but then breaks up with that girl because he decides she’s not marriage material and needs a wild hookup (aka signing Allen Iverson & Zach Randolph). But since the guy stopped keeping his options open the hookup is a haggard cougar with aggressiveness to spare (aka horrible shot selection) but nothing otherwise redeeming about her (aka Allen Iverson).

Did you follow that analogy? Of course you didn’t, it was terrible. I only did because if you copy Bill Simmons you make Emil happy.

But that’s why Conley ends up in this category; he needs more PT than he will get if Iverson gets serious floor time. If Iverson gets injured or forces a trade or stars in his own reality TV show, which is pretty likely, Conley will produce much as he did in the second half of last year. If he is available in rounds 10-13 he makes a good gamble.

DJ Augustin: (ADP: 140+) One of the best examples of how coaches in basketball looooovee mediocrity. Was Raymond Felton so bad that nobody offered him a free agent deal and Charlotte only offered a one year deal to come back? Yes and yes. Did he lead the statistically worst offense in the NBA last year while shooting 41% from the field? Yes and Yes.

And yet he starts ahead of DJ Augustin because he “understands what we’re trying to do” and has “been around the system” and “provides veteran leadership”. All of this is coach speak for “I’m scared of actually having to train a far more talented player”. DJ Augustin has his weaknesses, admittedly. He is very short, not a particularly strong on or off the ball defender, and is still improving on finishing around the basket.

But this guy can SHOOT. This is a very underrated talent in the NBA, one that many 50 inch vertical types don’t possess, despite it being the most basic element. Combine Augustine’s sharpshooting from 3PT with blitzkrieg quickness into the lane for layups and dishes and you have a budding fantasy star. Don’t believe that the Bobcats could possess an explosive offensive player and waste him on the bench? Take a look at his split stats as a starter in 12 games last year. How does 2.6 3PT per game on 46.7 FG% sound to you? Throw in 17.8 PTS per game and 5.6 AST per game and you see the kind of rare ceiling Augustin possesses.

With the recent Raja Bell wrist injury Augustin almost doesn’t qualify for this category and could fall into “Apple Stock”, but he still is unlikely to average 35 MPG unless something happens to Felton. So while Augustin is an unbelievable value in rounds 9-13, his potential is limited by Felton’s one-and-done purgatory.

Andrea Bargnani Bond Fund:

Mario Chalmers: (ADP: 113.1) This is where caveats reign. I love Chalmers because he gives you all the PG stats you want: 3PT, AST, and STL. He averaged 2 steals a game last year. He is the rare player who you can find past round 8 that is top-5 in a category. He can make a serious impact on a roto team (or head-to-head, which still uses roto categories). He doesn’t have much competition (as much as we root for White Chocolate to make a comeback), so everything looks good, right?

Well, obvious rhetorical question, you can eat it. But we get where you’re going. Yes, Chalmers is just not that good. He is also wildly inconsistent. He will have great games and he will have games like last night’s preseason game (1-9 FG and 1 AST in 21 minutes). You can see why  when Chalmers recently twittered “mister6clutch: I need suggestions to do with my free time right now folks. Wats up?” Dwayne Wade responded, “Go to the gym and get some shots up.” Good stuff.

In order to enjoy those big steals you will need to have patience and start him game in, game out. If you don’t, you’ll miss the 8 AST, 6 STL game that he puts up once in a while. His other 8 PTS, 1 STL, 3 AST games will have you pulling your hair out if it causes you to sag in other categories. Chalmers is just not talented enough to vastly improve his consistency or stats this year, so another up and down ride is to be expected. But in round 9, he provides excellent roto value.

Tyreke Evans: (ADP: 113.1) Evans is very talented and will have opportunity. Opportunity + talent is usually a successful combination. While his % may lag, he can provide tremendous REB and defensive numbers for a PG and can be had very late. Another player with a ceiling that you want given that he goes so late in the draft at a thin position.

Stay tuned for SG, SF, PF, & C previews! (letters to my boss asking for me to receive PTO to provide this fantasy sports service to the community can be sent to 333 Wish-this-was-my-full-time-gig Ave., Job-going-nowhere, OH 43022 )



Hi Folks,

It’s been a while. I know. But now it’s football season and everyone is as excited as Italians when the vino is flowing. You know, lots of gesturing, exclamations of “eh ciao!”, and ranting about how Ray Rice is gonna be epic this year for your fantasy football team. On the other hand of the “gonna give you an offer you can’t refuse” spectrum are San Francisco 49ers fans. Those downtrodden masses are left with nothing other than the comparison of “at least we are not as bad as the Raiders.” Yet even an Al Davis led team has signed its first round Wide Receiver to a contract. Is there hope this year for the 49ers? Will they field an offense which does justice to the Bill Walsh precedent or will he be turning in his grave after another game with fewer passing yards than a two lane highway in the Jungfrau?

Let’s backtrack for a second. 49ers coach Mike Singletary fired Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz on December 30. This after Martz raised the 49ers offensive ranking, in one year, from dead last in the league at a ‘makes Bill Walsh openly weep’ rate of 237.3 yards per game  to 23rd overall at a rate of 311.1 yards per game, just 1 yard behind the “Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers” (Cardinals D, how could you?).

I know what you’re saying: “You’re upset about the greatest, meanest SOB coach in the NFL firing Mike Martz!! The guy who doesn’t know what yard line the ball is on during the end of a game and calls a Fullback draw from the 3? The guy who stuck by J.T. “What color jerseys are we?” O’Sullivan?  Well Mr. Straw Man, I am still unconvinced that Martz should have been canned. I will grant that Mike Singletary is the perfect guy to bring some sense to Mike Martz. Singletary made a great move bringing in Shaun Hill and benching O’Sullivan. He did a great job forcing Martz to stick with Frank Gore more. The 49ers went 5-2 in their last seven games with the Martz-Singletary pairing. They’re like the Ying-Yang twins.

On 3rd and 9--Singletary: Run a draw! Martz: No, I'm going 5 wide! Singletary: No, Run a draw, or else I moon EVERYONE!!!! Martz: OOOOKAAYYY!!!

They don’t make any sense together, but that’s why they make sense! Singletary stops Martz  from dialing up a pick-six a game and Martz keeps Singletary from giving 489 carries a year to a RB who ends up averaging 3.1 yards a carry. It’s an effective compromise of styles, or at least the best thing we’ve had around here since the Garcia-Owens era (You are so gay, Jeff. You are so immature Terrell!! Stop it!). But Martz has been canned so we move along.

After spending over a month looking for an offensive coordinator and being rejected by such luminaries as Scott Linehan & Dan Reeves, Mike Singletary defiantly claimed he found precisely the man he was looking for all along, a man who shares the same “vision” of what the 49ers offense should look like. That man is new 49ers Offensive Coordinator Jimmy Raye, and that vision looks a little like this:

Your 2010 San Francisco 49ers!!! (Look for calendar specials on 49ers.com)

I can’t tell you how elated I am right now that the new 49ers owner, Jed York, passed up talking to Mike Shanahan for this.

Keep in mind that Raye was the eighth and final candidate to interview for the 49ers’ offensive coordinator position. Can you imagine a job interview where you were the eighth candidate?

Employer: Do you want to work here?

Candidate: Yes, that’s why I’m sitting here

Employer: We have a work environment that some might describe as atypical. Are you comfortable with mooning?

Candidate: (long pause) uhhhhh, sure.

Employer: Welcome to the team.

What spin did Gen. Singletary give for the revolving door of offensive coordinators who wouldn’t be caught dead working under a head coach who hasn’t seen a 3 yard run he didn’t like: “I did not want to make a knee-jerk decision before we thought we had our guy.” Suuuurreeee you didn’t. Let me translate “our guy” for you: noun. 1) an individual well versed in the fullback draw and comfortable with male nudity as a motivational tool.

As I mentioned earlier, Singletary and I spoke at length a few days ago. I asked him some questions about the Bill Walsh legacy, the offensive innovation, the explosive offenses consistently ranked in the top 5 of the league, the star Quarterbacks and Wide Receivers and the tremendous organizational framework he left. I asked him if the Niners were abandoning their identity and transitioning to a Steelers-Ravens methodical rushing attack and aggressive defense. To which Singletary responded:

Cannot play with them

Cannot win with them

Cannot coach with them

Can’t do it!

I couldn’t tell what he meant by this so I rephrased the question more simply: what is your vision for the 49ers offense? He responded thus:

No. 1: Run

No. 2: Run

No. 3. Run

I asked him if there was a fourth tenant, and he said he’d rather play with “10 people and just get penalized all the way until we gotta do something else” than have a QB throw for 300 yards in a game. I asked him what he would do on 2nd and 67 after accepting penalties until the team was pinned on their own 1 yard line and he drew this up:

Punt formation. Coach Sing: Finally! Our D can back on the field!

At this point I was becoming increasingly, how should I say, completely and utterly disenchanted by Singletary’s offensive stratagems. I think Singletary noticed this change in tone and I did let one audible sigh slip in. I think it was after he mentioned the importance of “being physical with an f” for the 5,193 time. What does that even mean?? What added meaning does fhysical have?? All I could imagine was Michael Scott’s “Let’s Get Physical” performance before an office conference.  So after that it was all drama. Bad news.

Despite the acrimonious tit-for-tat mooning that wrapped up my converstion with Coach Singletary, I was still excited to speak with his choice for Offensive Coordinator, Jimmy Raye. I was looking forward to the chance to calm some of the doubts and fears I expressed earlier. When I sat down with Mr. Raye I was immediately struck by his composure. He was calm, deliberate, and after an initial few minutes of silence I felt it was prudent to turn his wrist over and check for a pulse. It appeared he had started napping. Being a young 63 years old will do that to you.

In case you were wondering, Mike Singletary was looking for stability with the Offensive Coordinator position. He didn’t want some spring chicken who plans on bolting to become the next head coach of the Denver Broncos. After Jimmy Raye joined the 49ers he had the following to say about his new 3 year contract: “I intend to fulfill the service of the contract, I hope to be there for the (length of the) contract and hopefully longer.” Well Mr. Singletary, mission accomplished. Jimmy Raye isn’t going anywhere. I mean it. He’s still sitting here with me. It’s been a week. Once in a while he mumble something about Jim Brown and then goes back to sleep.

(1 Week Later)

Jimmy Raye woke up from his nap and we were able to start an engaging interview.

Q: Can you talk about your offensive style?

A: It’s very important for us to be able to run the ball when we need to run the ball. That’s important. I don’t care if they have eight people in the box or nine people in the box. When you want to run the ball and you need to run the ball to win the game, let’s run the ball. And all the other things, let that go to the wayside. Let’s run the ball.

Q: Would this be an accurate portrayal of your vision for the offense?

A: Well, that’s a sweep, which is a little risky for my tastes. We prefer to establish our fhysicality (sic) up front.

Q: Is this any better?

A: Did the Steelers steal my playbook?!? I’ve had that formation under wraps in my playbook! I never let that sucker out of team facilities!

Q: But the goaline, 2 TE formation has been in existence for nearly a century. Isn’t this the formation?

A: Where did you find that?

Q: On the internet, under “basic running plays” on the site http://www.highschoolfootballplaybook.com

A: What’s the internet?

Q: Are you troubled that the first-team offense hasn’t had a passing touchdown in the exhibition season?

A: It really has no significance to me because I don’t look at the game that way. I’m trying to beat the hell out of them and win by one.

Q: Interesting. So sum up this picture to me in fewer than 6 words:

Per Mr. Raye or Borat, "Great Success!"

A: The sweet smell of success. That’s five right? Well howdy-doody!

You know what’s frightening? Two of those Jimmy Raye answers are actually direct quotes.

At this point it seems nearly pointless to mention that as an offensive coordinator for six teams over the course of 12 NFL seasons, Raye has been involved with some bad football. Those teams for which he was coordinator posted a won-lost record of 67-125 and averaged a little more than 18 points per game.

The 49ers averaged 21.2 points per game in 2008 in Martz’s one season as coordinator. Just saying . . . .

Buckle in 49ers fans, it’s gonna get Tom Cable vs. assistant coach fhysical this year. More than likely it ain’t gonna be pretty. Just as Mike Singletary prefers.

Red Grange, where art thou?

Requirements…

A. a computer.

B. the internet

C. about 20 minutes around twice a week.

Please apply in the comments sections and we’ll get back to you.

With the trade deadline just passing, Marc and Emil do their best to analyze and dissect every trade that went past. We are expecting a record number of Grizzlies fans wondering how Chris Mihm will turn out for them. SPOILER ALERT: We’re both thinking 20/10 and 3 blocks from the great white whale.

Marc also confesses his love for Rafer Alston and his career 35% shooting percentage… and E edits this thing about one week past relevance. Also, thanks to Emil’s 1985 computer, the theme music for this episode is completely lost.

February was a disaster… March is going to be fantastic. I promise.

The Late (as in one week) Show on Yo! Sports!

Sleeper Pick posted at least once a week.

No way old man, stop blabbering on about the “internet era” and how people had all this time and what a slow pace of life it was and how people posted on blogs at least once a week. If I have to suffer through your reminiscing about how picket fences were white, the women were pure, the leaders were virtuous, and the month of February always had podcasts, I’m going to go shoot my nano-nuke at the neighbors in the Corilian parcept.

Okay, terrible made-up Star Wars reference. Before I lose any more momentum, let’s briefly recap what happened while we were away:

1) The Berlin Wall fell

2) The Peace of Westphalia brought a close to the Thirty Years War

3) Cows were created. Subsequent “Cow Bell Band” craze.

4) Mike Singletary kept his clothes on

5) Al Davis released $230 million dollars worth of wretched free agent signings (all signed last year, no less)

(The scene: Al Davis, 6 games after signing DeAngelo Hall to a $70 million contract, releases him. At the press conference he turns to Hall . . .) "Avada Kedavra!!"

6) Super Bowl ads disappointed

And that’s about it. So we didn’t miss much. And you, our faithful listeners, didn’t waste any time at work listening to nonsense about hockey or how Marquis Daniels became a must-add in fantasy basketball.

But now we’re baaaaccckkkkk. Cue up my beloved Governor:

And we’re not coming back empty-handed. We’ve brought in the big guns: our new PR guy, Ben Richeda, who has previously rehabilitated the images of Mike Mamula, Pac Man Jones, and Jimmy Carter. He guest stars in our new podcast and does some great damage control.

So when Emil gets served with a restraining order by Tom Brady, we know our man Ben will spin that to make Emil look like the victim. The victim of the passions of a man-crush gone too far. And if I shoot myself again during another illegal turkey hunt with Plaxico Burress & Dick Cheney, Ben will get me out on bail faster than you can say “Marc’s not a danger to the community. As long as he doesn’t wear loose sweat pants he’s a model citizen.”

With the following sterling material Sleeper Pick hopes to bring you back into the fold:

Why such a fuss about steroids in baseball? Isn’t this the same sport that had a World Series fixed and the “Dead Ball” era featuring spitballs, scuffballs, and pitchers averaging 300+ innings pitched at a 1.62 ERA?

Should professional sports players give a “hometown discount” to the team that drafted & groomed them? Should Ravens season ticket holders boycott the team if Ozzie Newsome lets Ray Lewis walk in Free Agency?

What would a baseball team look like if mustaches were a prerequisite? What about only players with certified beer bellies? The “Black Dudes” team?

Enter the ‘All Stereotype’ fantasy baseball league.

It feels good to be back:  Do NOT Let Emil Name Your Child (Parental Advisory: podcast contains obscenities)

P.S. This episode’s edition of Best Week, Worst Week EVER!! will make absolutely no sense unless you take a look at these pictures:

You know why Ben Richeda is always the subject on TMZ with some new drama about the most recent supermodel he dumped? A robust beard and cute animal tattoos on his bicep

No woman can resist a mouse with a block of cheese and a rabbit with big eyes.

I don’t know about you but I was a huge proponent of censorship in the wake of 9/11. Particularly the French. If I had to choose between censoring the French or basic civil liberties all I have to say is: don’t bother RSVP-ing (that commie abbreviation apparently stands for Répondez, s’il vous plaît) and pass the freedom fries.

We practice censorship here at Sleeper Pick and what our listeners don’t know won’t hurt them. Some words you will never hear on this podcast:

Playoffs

Kobe Bryant (see also: any star player)

Well run team

Super Bowl preview

Any player or team the vast majority of the U.S. public wants to hear about in a sports podcast

→→→→

Furthermore, what our listeners will know will likely hurt them, despite our best attempts at fully utilizing the Patriot Act during editing:

Manute Bol’s rookie year stats (he would have been so good in a tête-à-tête league)

The wire-tapped phone call from Ernie Grunfeld to whoever the hell is the interim coach for the Washington Wizards

Whether MTV’s Real World transgender participant,

CB/S tweener?

Katelynn Cusanelli , will be the Rudy-esque story of the Cowboy’s 2009 training camp

A sneak preview of Terrell Owens’ upcoming VH1 reality show (I wish I was making all this up)

Somehow we also sneak in a starting five du jour featuring:

DeAndre Jordan, Center, LA Clippers

Ramon Sessions, Point Guard, Milwaukee Bucks

Charlie Villanueva, Forward, Milwaukee Bucks

Linas Kleiza, Guard-Forward, Denver Nuggets

Mike Conley, Point Guard, Memphis Grizzlies (so déjà vu it’s de rigueur)

↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓

Without further adieu:

Real World: Cowboys Training Camp

Voila!

(French, the language of love my a**)

I’m beginning to think Marc and I are starving for NBA material.

Sure, we could talk about the 4 powerhouses in the NBA thus far (Orlando, Cleveland, LA and your world champion Boston Celtics). Why not talk about the team everyone seems to forget despite 4 titles in the last decade (San Antonio)? We could mention an epic season from LeBron, a hilariously overpaid season from Elton Brand or an underrated monster year from Kevin Durant. We could do these things, but that ain’t Yo! Sports.

Instead, a very special episode of Yo! Sports! spends 20 minutes talking about a triple overtime game between the Sacramento Kings (my favorite crappy team) and the Golden St. Warriors (Marc’s favorite team, which happens to be crappy).

Who says we’re not self serving here at Sleeper Pick?

THE SACRAMENTO, BAY AREA, NEW ENGLAND POD SHOW! (and other stuff too)

P.S. You can download every podcast on iTunes for free (who would pay for this shit? Maybe Don Nelson, but we all know he’s one Australian short of a penal colony). Just search “sleeperpick”.

But I know that I could still make a better catch than Limas Sweed if someone told me right now to run a go route down Monterey Blvd. and onto the 280 freeway here in San Francisco.  Did I just say I could do a better job catching a pass from Big Ben than a man who is 6’5 and runs a 4.55 forty? Well, at least if I dropped the ball I wouldn’t waste an injury timeout wallowing in my own pity-party. Failing even that, I know I could draft Desean Jackson in the first round of the 2008 NFL Draft. I COULD. PICK ME FOR GM CLUELESS OWNER OF THE NINERS. PICK ME!!!!!! [waves arms frantically]. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR THE WORDS “Kentwan Balmer” UTTERED AGAIN.

Wait, why on earth did I waste my opening on the inept offenses in the coma-inducing AFC Championship Game? Everybody wants to hear about the explosiveness of Larry Fitzgerald and Desean Jackson, or perhaps the cunning of our favorite supermarket shelf-stocker, Kurt Warner. People probably don’t want to hear about Emil’s designs on the Cromartie gene pool, but you gotta take the good with the bad. Kinda like putting the hopes of your season on a rookie QB with a unibrow much fiercer than his catatonic, I mean, placid demeanor. I think the unibrow created the 8 foot blind spot that Troy Polamalu was hiding in.

It’s now 2:30am and I’m turning malicious and about as funny as Carrot Top or Howie Long.

Without further adieu, everything you wanted to know about the AFC & NFC Championship games but were afraid to ask.

I WILL NEVER BUY YOUR TRUCK

Wow . . . .

And Soooooo . . . here . . . we . . . go!

Emil will not be invited to Mitch Berger’s Wedding (podcast link)

If Jesus said Tebow was the 8th best QB in the Big 12? That he was a 3rd or 4th round draft pick at best? Or if he then followed up with “If there are things you do not agree with, God [. . . . or Mel Kiper] will make them clear to you” – Philippians 3:15

It’s these deep questions that we delve into in our BCS Championship Game podcast. (Podcast link)

We also discuss the NFL draft prospects for Sam Bradford, Chris Brown, Percy Harvin, Tim Tebow, and Mark Sanchez.

[Aside: When are NFL systems going to adopt some elements of the spread? How do we rank draft-eligible college players who operate out of completely unconventional systems? Because nobody wants to see their team draft the next Alex Smith or Akili Smith or Rashaun Woods (urggghhh, too many Niners draft busts, mind is shattering . . .) . When will teams stop taking chances with top-ten picks (particularly given the obscene amount of money top picks make) who have to completely overhaul their techniques and style of play in order to conform to NFL systems?]

And most importantly:

WHY DO SO MANY OF THE FLORIDA CHEERLEADERS LOOK LIKE TIM TEBOW??

You wouldn't want this guy as your goal-line QB?

Cousin?

Once removed?

Twice removed?

THIS IS TOO MUCH

because some of their players refuse to play, wait until you hear about the recent accusation that Nate Robinson has committed a hate crime  in front of 20,000+ people . . . . against Yao Ming. And apparently the People’s Republic of China is none too pleased about it.

To learn more about the matter we brought in an expert, Jerry Hu. Not only does our guest star provide insightful analysis of this accusation and the inner workings of state-run television but he also chimes in about fantasy sports trading etiquette. FYI, etiquette’s etymology: French, étiquette, literally ‘not acting like Don Nelson’.

I know, I couldn’t believe that Merriam-Webster is as into Don Nelson as we are. They must have dated back in the 1920s when Don Nelson was running the “No rebounding, no defense, NO PROBLEM” system (sometimes known as “Nellie Ball”) at Iowa U.

I don’t know how this is defined in online dictionaries but our expert knows it when he sees it:

Hate Crime (podcast link)

P.S. Don’t forget, you can also listen to the podcast on iTunes. Just search sleeperpick.

By this guy’s count, there are at least 7 teams that would kill to start Tom Terrific’s back up, who is making 14 million next year ($13,970,000 more then this guy.) “How nice,” you think to yourself, “to know that if number 12 doesn’t start the season at least that guy’s team has a quarterback in the bullpen (take that mixed sports analogies!) who last threw for 3700 yards and 21 TD’s.” Why wouldn’t the lot of you think that this guy is all cheesed that the Patriots have found a potential life after Tom Brady?

COMMANDMENT ONE OF TEN : THERE IS NO LIFE AFTER TOM BRADY.

(still debating on whether “COMMANDMENT ONE OF TEN: THOU SHALL NOT LIVE A LIFE AFTER TOM BRADY” was funnier)

I’m gonna give it to you raw right now (that’s what she said): The Patriots dropping 14 million on Matt Cassel is the biggest slap to Tom Brady’s face since Bridget Moynahan found out 12 wasn’t going to get back together with her (even though she pulled the goalie on the quarterback (2 for 2 on mixed sports analogies) to try and pry Mr. Cool from the  richest supermodel in the world (but, but I was in IROBOT!)))

YO E, I GET WHAT YOU’RE SAYING BUT COME ON MAN MATT CASSEL WAS GOOD THIS YEAR. 20 TOUCHDOWNS!

Here’s a list of a some quarterbacks who thrown for 20 plus TD’s in the last 10 years:

Steve Beuerlein

Jeff George

Elvis Grbac

Mark Brunell

Aaron Brooks

Jay Fiedler

Brian Griese

Rex Grossman

Derek Anderson

Here’s a list of quarterbacks who have won 3 or more Super Bowls:

Terry Bradshaw

Joe Montana

Troy Aikman

Tom Brady.

Point being? 20 touchdowns isn’t that hard in today’s NFL, winning 3 Super Bowls is (the kind of analysis you get, only @ Sleeper Pick). In fact, I’ll argue that with Cassel’s weapons – he should of have had 30. Here’s another stat for you: Brady’s only thrown fewer then 20 touchdowns ONCE in his career, and he only started 14 games that year and STILL got 18 (as well as something us in the business like to call a Super Bowl MVP.)

AY DOG YOU TRIPPIN,’ WHAT’S WRONG WITH A 14 MILLION DOLLAR INSURANCE POLICY??!?

Allow me to channel my inner Bill Simmons and drop an analogy for you in the form of one of my favorite childhood pastimes, Choose Your Own Adventure.

You’re in year nine of a very happy marriage. The first eight were incredible; you build a beautiful family, run for Senate and WIN! You couldn’t imagine what life was like without this woman of your dreams. Year nine tragedy strikes. A terrible car crash leaves your significant other paralyzed from the waist down, the doctors don’t think she’ll ever walk again. You of course stay with her, but the guilt of the accident is chipping away at you. There is absolutely no sex to be had, (come on you freak look at the condition she’s in) and every time you look in your photo album of “the good old days” you die a little more inside. The first 6 months after the accident, you barely even see her as she spends her days rehabilitating a traumatic injury to her legs. Her younger, less attractive sister starts helping you out to stabilize your devastated family. Sexless, depressed, lonely and confused you fall in love with her sister. Her intentions were purely to help, maybe find a man of her own sometime soon after, but simply having her around doing some of the things your now paralyzed wife did has made you delusional. You ask her to move in, purely temporarily and on a Platonic basis, and she accepts! Suddenly, A MIRACLE! Your wife! She’s walking again! Everything is coming back together, except for the fact that you’re now going to be living in an incredibly awkward situation with two women you’re in love with.

If you let the sister stay while crossing your fingers, hoping the obvious love triangle won’t ruin your family/career, turn to page “locker-room distraction.”

If you ask the sister to leave, then watch her marry an up-and-coming politician – only to have her husband run for Senate against you and win your seat 3 years later, turn to page “what could have been.”

If you kick your wife, whose rehabilitation is taking longer than expected, to the curb and divorce her, marry her sister and turn your family into a divided, dysfunctional disaster (your son can’t even look at you anymore), despite your mediocre success, turn to page “heartless monster.”

OR

If you’re me, you DON’T fall in love with the sister in the first place. Hey Matt, thanks for the year – you only made it the 2nd worst Patriots season of my lifetime. Appreciate the help but I got a quarterback, you may have heard of him, he threw for 50 touchdowns last season. I’m sure you’ll do fine in St. Louis next year with new head coach Josh McDaniels. And by fine I mean 14 TD’s 15 INT’S and 2100 yards.

Look, Tom Brady shaped my life as a sports fan more then any other person in my lifetime (sans my Uncle Rich who taught me to read box scores Summer of 93.’) I always loved sports (SI for Kids suscriber since 95′ and still going, just kidding …. kind of) but never really grasped the idea of rooting for a champion. Super Bowl XXXI was a bust, I had just watched the Yankees DOMINATE the mid-to-late 90’s and the Celtics were…well I’ll let Pitino sum up the Celtics for you (Larry Bird IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR.) Then in 2001, the greatest quarterback in our franchises’ history up to that point goes down in the 2nd game of the season thanks to a cheap shot from a hated player on a hated rival (although I’ve forgiven Mo Lewis since). Another lost season… until the 199th pick of the 2000 draft steps in, leads the team to an 11-5 record including 9 straight wins en route to a Super Bowl trophy.

When a local team wins the first championship of your lifetime, Cleveland fans can stop reading here, they become more than that “championship” team. I barely remember the 2004 Super Bowl (I blame college) but I remember every single thing about that 2001 AFC Championship game against Pittsburgh (Troy Brown punt return for a touchdown, Brady gets hurt, Bledsoe comes off the bench (hit the trifecta of mixed sports analogies, give your boy some dap please), throws a TD to David “You’ll never believe that I threw, ran and caught a TD in one game” Patten. Also, Kordell throws 3 picks , Pats block a 30 yard field goal, only to be picked up by Troy Brown before lateraling it brilliantly to Antwan Harris who returns it for a touchdown (if the AP voted league MVP after the postseason it would of gone to Brown that year, he was seriously that good.))

2001 Patriots are “that” team for me, and Tom Brady is “that” athlete. (My Uncle Rich had Troy Brown. So much so that on Troy Brown day in Blackville, SC he was front center for the Troy Brown parade. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to. Seriously, he has pictures.)

So to think that the Patriots will be paying a one year wonder 1 million less then a 1 in a million kills me. The thought of a team giving up a 1st and 3rd for Matt Cassel cracks me up, I didn’t see teams lining up for Derek Anderson last year. If we let Cassel walk, there’s no way he would’ve fetched more the 8 million per, let alone a 1st and 3rd. Two owners are crazy enough to give that up,  Al Davis and Jerry Jones, and one of them is half dead (I am of course talking about Jerry Jones, who mindlessly traded a 1st, 3rd and 5th for the rights to have both Roy Williams’ in the NFL).

One last thing, if Belichick/Pioli/Kraft pulls a Bill Walsh and ships Brady off to Minnesota for a 1st and 3rd then I’ll be bleeding purple and gold for the rest of my life. And if you think I’m bluffing, call it – I dare ya.