Happy Halloween!

Once again, another movie that falls into the "could be considered the worst sequel of all time" category.

Problems:
Sean Connery's head has been reattached.
John C. McGinley does NOT sound like Orsen Welles. (Otherwise brings it)
Aliens. Including, but not limited to, Pigeon Assassins.
It's the podBLAST season finale.

Good:
Solid actors doing what they can with crap.
Virginia Madsen
BLASTers granted a 3-month leave-of-absence to recover.

Hell yeah. Short of the Double Double Damme Damme and the two-part Pearl Harbor BLAST, here is the single longest BLAST ever. 63MB of BLASTin'.

But is it all BLASTin'? Did one of your very own turn to the dark side? Download and find out.

As for the movie... 2 hours and 17 Minutes of Michael Bay's signature, flat-lit, product-placed, lowest common denominator, quick-cut, plot-light, action "filmmaking".

Though it's never been checked, we think it's probably a cult classic with most coroners.

whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhyWHY??

Arguably the worst sequel-to-original disparity in the history of cinema. This hunk of crap jumps the shark in so many ways that if we listed them all here, we might break the internet.

How Dan Ackroyd was able to round everyone up for this is a mystery. One suspects that no one asked to read the script first.

Suggestion: Dan, instead of showing your love of music and Blues by trying to reproduce the magic of the original Blues Brothers, do a documentary. Everyone expects those to suck.

BLASTphemers - if you're in the habit of listening to BLASTs without renting the movie, go out on a limb with this one. Some of the gasps you'll hear on the BLAST will make more sense if you're actually getting the visuals.

Another Ewe Boll film. Well, what can you say about a director that has admitted his movies are bad, then in the same breath blamed the video games they're based on as not being good source material? Seriously, what can you say?

Who gives a shit, it's perfect blasting material. Bad movie, laughable performances (we're looking at you, Tara Reid), pointless gore, spooky caves that are really alternate dimensions... perfect.

So, let's go out on a limb here and say...

Thank you, Ewe. Thank you.

Super-sexy Angelina Jolie is all T's & A in this franchise deuce, though you would never know it. It's like the movie was cut with gay men and jealous girlfriends in mind.

So with no gratuitous shots of Mrs. Pitt, what are you left with? Pandora's "box"? Yeah, we know... sounds promising, but it turns out to be lame.

But: The dude with all the pecs and abs from 300 is in it.

Finally. A film for the Gay Male Gamer.

Nicholas Cage rides through this pile of crap (yet another poorly realized Marvel adaptation) admirably, though clearly much of his time was spent in his trailer while the animators took over.

Try to forget that he made a deal with the devil and can't be killed, and you may just sense some drama here and there.

Two other things to note: Eva Mendes can't even pull off a convincing news reporter. Uh, Eva? The Academy called. They'd like you to go home now.

One of the greatest mis-casts ever:
Wes "...there's so much beauty in the world..." Bentley as Blackheart-The-Squeaky-Voiced.

We like Ben Affleck. We really do. Why he happens to be in so many BLASTed movies is a mystery.

Make no mistake, though, Reindeer Games sucks hard. If it's not the championship collection of stupid double-crosses, then it's the several unbelievable leaps of logic. Pointless narration? Got it. Lame, unrealistic villains? Yep. Someone to root for? A sympathetic hero? Uh, no.

However, Charlize Theron appears twice with minimal clothing.

The heat is getting to us. As we sign off for a short summer vacation, we leave you with the first ever DVD podBLAST double feature:

Double Impact and Double Team (in that order)

Both starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, one starring him twice, and the other also starring Rebound King and former Flavor of the Month, Dennis Rodman.

Squeamish about hearing your BLASTers chow down? Too bad. Trying to survive 3.5 hours of "The Damme" without eating is impossible, so at the break, we send one of our own down to In 'n Out to grab some Double-Doubles.

Believe it or not, there are even MORE "double" jokes in the BLAST. So, enjoy that.

We'll see you in a month or so.

We've done the franchise killers, we've done the career killers, we've even done the director killers. Here's a new one...

The Genre Killer.

If the makers of Airplane and Top Secret knew back then that this was where zany comedy was headed, they probably would have just stuck with their day jobs. Luckily for everyone, looking into the future is impossible.

Unfortunately for DVD podBLAST, un-watching a movie is also impossible.

The title, The Bonfire of the Vanities, refers to an event in 1497 whereby a puritanical leader in Italy sent his Troops of Morality house to house, requesting that folks give up their "vanities" - paintings, cosmetics, "pagan" books - and throw them onto the 15-story bonfire.

Nice.

As the undisputed modern day equivalent of the Troops of Morality, DVD podBLAST will soon be going door to door, nicely asking people to give up their DVD copies of The Bonfire of the Vanities so we may throw them atop the ritual pyre, apty named, "The Bonfire of The Bonfire of the Vanities."