Leading up to this week's session, we have established a new foundation of vulnerability and we tackle one of the biggest challenges in their relationship: Mike's family. For Rachel, the family dynamic is an environment where she feels constantly pushed to the side. But for Mike, stepping out of line with his parents triggers a profound, physical alarm response in his nervous system. In this episode, we dive deep into the agonizing tension Mike feels being wedged between his wife and his family, and how the intense fear of disappointing others drives his avoidance.

By staying grounded in his body instead of escaping into his head to "fix" the problem, Mike is able to show Rachel his true emotional state. He admits that his avoidance isn't a lack of care, but a desperate attempt to regulate his own overwhelming fear. The moment he shares this vulnerability, everything changes. Rachel doesn't feel abandoned; she feels safe and co-regulated. Together, they take their first steps out of their negative loop and begin building a new, positive cycle.

This Week's Homework: Think about the word disappointment. What actually happens in your body when you know you have to let someone down? Do you rush to over explain? Do you agree to things you don't wanna do? Or do you just avoid the conversation entirely? Notice your own strategies for managing your fear of disappointing others and ask yourself, what is this avoidance costing my primary relationship? And if you want more structured homework, please visit my website at thesecurerelationship.com.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

If you listened to our previous episode, you know Rachel and Mike ended their first session with a beautiful breakthrough. But in the real world of relationships, progress is rarely linear. In this episode, we drop into the next session to find Rachel fighting a powerful urge to detach. Exhausted from years of feeling emotionally dropped despite providing him with a "roadmap" to her heart, her nervous system is sending her a painful, familiar message: she is fundamentally flawed, and her emotional needs are just "too much" for him.

On the other side of the couch, Mike is equally exhausted. He desperately wants to comfort Rachel but hits an absolute wall when faced with her deep sadness. To understand why, we trace Mike's emotional avoidance all the way back to its roots—uncovering a painful history of childhood bullying and a family culture where heavy emotions were minimized with baked goods and phrases like "don't sweat the small stuff." Together, we discover that Mike isn't being intentionally dismissive of his wife's pain; he is simply using the only emotional survival strategy he was ever taught.

If you want more structured homework, you can visit thesecurerelationship.com for our weekly assignments. Don't forget to check out my book Secure Love. And if you're enjoying the podcast, please take a moment to give us a review on Apple or Spotify!

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

Welcome back to the second half of our first session with Rachel and Mike . After Rachel courageously opens up about her deep grief and abandonment fears, the emotional stakes in the room are high . For an Avoidant partner like Mike, this is a terrifying moment . Instead of leaning into the emotion, his natural instinct is to run to the safety of his intellect—over-explaining, rationalizing, and trying to "fix" the problem to make the discomfort stop .

In this episode, we slow everything down to understand the overwhelming physical tension and fear of failure that drives Mike's avoidance . We reach a profound breakthrough as we uncover the truth behind the Avoidant struggle: Mike isn't abandoning Rachel because he doesn't care; he is leaving her because he doesn't know how to stay with himself.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

We are kicking off Season 3 with a brand new couple, Rachel and Mike. Unlike previous seasons, we are using an intensive therapy model, diving deep into their dynamic over a compressed timeframe. On paper, Rachel and Mike are a committed power couple running a successful business. But underneath, they are stuck in a painful anxious-avoidant cycle. Rachel has shifted from protesting for connection to silently shutting down to protect herself , while Mike, our avoidant partner, is emotionally completely alone, trying to "fix" her pain from the safety of his head.

In this episode, we use the TEMPO model (Trigger, Emotion, Meaning, Protection, Organization) to unpack a recent conflict about family boundaries. We watch the cycle take over, and then pivot away from the surface fight down into the deep, unresolved grief and abandonment driving Rachel's fear.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

In Season 3 of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie Menanno introduces Rachel and Mike—a couple who look perfect on paper but are quietly drowning in the dark. Rachel, a widow who risked everything for a fresh start, finds herself in a lonely battle for priority, while Mike, the "steady" husband, retreats into his head to avoid failing her.

This season goes beyond communication struggles into the raw reality of grief, financial betrayal, and the silent erosion of trust. Witness what happens when an anxious partner stops fighting and an avoidant partner finally admits, "I leave you because I leave me."

Season 3 begins next week. Subscribe now to follow their journey.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Attend a course or worshop hosted by Julie: Attachment Theory and Relationship Growth Courses
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

Following the season finale, we gathered for a special live Q&A to process this journey together. With the couple absent, Julie takes the floor to answer direct questions from the audience about the season's difficult ending, diving deeper into the dynamics of shame, regression, and the hard truth that healing isn't always linear.

We want to extend a brief but heartfelt thank you to Bethany and Brian for their courage in sharing their story with us. Their vulnerability has provided invaluable lessons for us all.

Finally, a massive thank you to you, our listeners, for following along this season. Thank you for holding space for this process, for your curiosity, and for your commitment to understanding the complexities of relationships.

Send your questions or comments for future episodes via email or voice note to [email protected] and stay tuned for Season 3!

We enter the final session of Season 2 with a deep dive into the roots of shame. Julie steps in to distinguish shame from guilt, helping Brian see that his exhaustion and relentless drive for success aren't just personality traits—they are survival strategies designed to hide a core belief of being "defective" or "less than" .

The session culminates in a moment of true openness, where Brian practices asking for support rather than acting out . However, we end with a sobering update on where the couple is today. Despite periods of profound connection and plans to reunite, old patterns re-emerged, reminding us that progress requires consistency to survive the inevitable regressions .

This week, instead of a homework prompt, we invite you to join our upcoming Live Q&A session with Julie next Monday, January 26th to debrief this heavy season. We want to hear your questions and experiences—both the hard parts and the helpful ones—as we process the reality of healing together

• Register for the Season 2 Q&A Live Episode: Season 2 Listener Q&A
• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

We begin in a difficult place, with Brian feeling targeted and defensive, and still strugging to see his role in the negative cycle. Julie confronts this directly, pushing for ownership to uncover the shame underneath . This leads to a crucial realization: Brian's "overwhelm" during their hardest years wasn't just bad luck, but partially self-inflicted by a desperate need to over-perform and avoid feeling "less than"

The session pivots from intellectualizing to a "tender moment" of profound accountability . Brian offers a genuine apology for abandoning Bethany during her miscarriage and their financial crisis, admitting that his drive to prove his worth came at the cost of the connection he wanted most

This week's prompt: Look at where you are over-functioning in your life. Are you "too busy" or "working too hard"? Ask yourself: What feeling are you trying to outrun—are you avoiding feeling ordinary, adequate, or "less than"? And what is that pursuit costing your relationship right now? .

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to [email protected] . Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

We begin with a powerful example of breaking generational cycles: Brian shares a breakthrough moment with his daughter, helping her process bullying instead of telling her to "toughen up" . This shifts to an exploration of Brian's own history—the "very good reasons" for his perfectionism and "hard outer shell," tracing back to a critical teacher and feelings of abandonment .

We unpack the concept of "running on empty." Brian realizes his "short fuse" isn't just malice; it's the cost of a lifetime of over-functioning and burning the candle at both ends . The session culminates in a pivot toward accountability, with Brian owning "50%" of the negative cycle and acknowledging that his survival strategies are now sabotaging his marriage .

This week's prompt: Look at your own "bad behavior" in the relationship. How often do you allow yourself to really sit in "this is mine," without drifting back into explaining "why" it exists? Try to sit with the actual pain—the unresolved grief or shame—that the behavior is trying to manage .

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to [email protected]. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

We continue to ride a wave of progress this week. Bethany and Brian report zero negative cycles, and Bethany steps up during a family crisis, healing the wound of Brian's daughter feeling "dropped". We then pivot to the deeper wounds driving Brian's intense perfectionism. A seemingly small conflict about mulch reveals his childhood history of feeling "less than" his peers, driving him to hold himself and Bethany to unrealistic standards to avoid ever feeling that inadequacy again .

The core of this session challenges Brian's belief—learned from a stoic grandfather and a volatile mother—that vulnerability is a "weakness" . When he risks sharing his fear of being "less than," Bethany doesn't reject him; she connects, telling him it triggers her desire to help . The somatic shift is profound: Brian describes feeling "liberated" and finally having "full breathable lungs" .

This week's prompt: Think about a part of yourself that you hide because you label it a "weakness"—is it your anxiety, your need for reassurance, or a feeling of not being good enough? What would happen if you shared that part with your partner, not as a complaint, but as a confession?

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to [email protected]. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

We start with a victory: Bethany and Brian successfully navigate a conflict without spiraling, turning a sarcastic comment into a moment of repair . Digging deeper, we find the wound fueling Brian's sarcasm: a fear that his daughter is being "segregated" or "dropped," just as he was by an uncle in childhood .

Brian shares the pain of feeling like a "test drive kid" who was easily replaced. The breakthrough arrives when Bethany reveals she is fighting the exact same battle—feeling overwhelmed and convinced that she and their baby "don't matter" either . It's a powerful look at how two people can fight for the same thing—significance—while fighting against each other.

This week's prompt: Think about a recurring fight you have with your partner. What is the deep, childhood wound that might be getting triggered? Are you fighting to be heard, to be chosen, or to matter? See if you can identify the specific feeling underneath the conflict.

Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to [email protected]. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

• Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship.
• For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast
• Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course
• Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime