We’re hiring! Apply for the role as The Upshot’s new video producer: https://www.upshot.email/p/we-re-hiring-a-video-producer-36e9 

Plus: England’s Ashes flops are throwing cash at Aussie children and why 70s hit YMCA is NOT a gay song

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Join The Upshot’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/upshottowers 

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Links from the pod:

Rio Ferdinand’s awful banter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P03LgqfQ4BA 

Conor McGregor teaching Mike Tyson to box: https://x.com/HappyPunch/status/1997749158711894184

And looking coked off his nut: https://x.com/GeneralBohs/status/1997793388016636392 

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Britain already has a royal family.

But if the entire Windsor bloodline is ever wiped out in a freak yachting accident, there’s a ready made replacement.

The Beckhams.

For two glorious decades, Victoria, David and their offspring have ruled the worlds of music, sport and bacon sandwich making.

From shagging on trains to necking cups of bleach, this is the story of the other Beckhams…

Watch Finlay Christie’s stand up special, Aura Farmer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oQiTfnFNUQ 

Links from the pod: 

Brooklyn’s bacon sandwich on NBC: https://metro.co.uk/video/brooklyn-beckham-cooks-english-breakfast-sandwich-2518705/ 

Cruz’s music: https://wwsw.tiktok.com/@cruzbeckham/video/7452826349779160352 

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Get tickets to to the Upshot’s Live shows in April: 

https://www.livenation.co.uk/the-upshot-live-tickets-adp1637635

Plus: The BBC colleague who drove Wayne Rooney to get the snip and Jamie Redknapp’s secret alter ego for picking up girls

Download SAILY in your app store and use our code UPSHOT at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase! For further details go to https://saily.com/upshot 

Links from the pod:

Troy Parrott’s missed panenka: https://www.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/1paoohe/troy_parrott_penalty_miss_vs_twente_908_at_10/ 

Vietnam’s intervision entry: https://youtu.be/EIqntldQyE0?si=9MEw4Wzb-2sQyVK2&t=61 

Wayne Rooney on Mr Tumble: https://youtu.be/Ad2w_WgZhB8?si=GblGv5FHHWpBpLRC&t=159 

In case you don’t know Mr Tumble: https://youtu.be/jMwbHIQRVME?si=bCyD1r1CvFphHXCX&t=300 

Paul Chuckle’s gangster movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AHwNkf4_QI 

Gary Lineker in Mexico with his daughter-in-law: https://x.com/GaryLineker/status/1995172259494056379 

Ajax fans mental pyrotechnics: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DRss_VCkrDm 

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The name Kevin Keegan should conjure images of glittering European nights, mazy dribbles and Balon d’Or wins.

But for most people, football’s unluckiest icon is remembered for four words: I WOULD LOVE IT.

And he’s had plenty of bad luck.

He was beaten up by drug dealers, discovered Father Christmas’ lifeless corpse, and got shot in the face with a bow and arrow.

From undercover gigolos to getting banged up in Serbia, this is his story…

Links from the pod: 

Green Cross code ad: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JE8Lk2kSCDo

Scoring in FA Cup final: https://www.youtube.com/watch?si=gagQcslGM0t59KHN&t=223&v=xFY67LtZn-0&feature=youtu.be

His hit single: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJdW7-MnXtc&t=21s

I would love it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?si=ip99jIR-GKnNQwij&t=5&v=mk87a7r0V60&feature=youtu.be

Will he score: http://www.youtube.com/watch?si=1-R7l9C-zzx9NIfq&t=9&v=k6Bupc_sE4g&feature=youtu.be

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Get tickets to to the Upshot’s Live shows in April: 

https://www.livenation.co.uk/the-upshot-live-tickets-adp1637635

(Tickets go on sale 10am Thursday)

Plus: John Terry fights to free Britain’s most notorious prisoner, Newcastle fans shagging in the Marseille toilets, The Olympic Star whose lawyer advised him to murder a witness.

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Links from the pod:

Dennis Wise video for Charles Bronson: https://www.instagram.com/p/DRKU6KPjIM4/ 

And Razor Ruddock’s: https://www.tiktok.com/@freecharlesbronson/video/7533271684023930134

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Malmo, Sweden. A 6ft 5 arsonist speeds away from a burning hot dog stand in a rented Lexus.

Little do the cops know, the mystery bomber is playing in the Champions League on Tuesday night.

It’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the cocksure striker with a criminal streak.

From robbing the manager to terrorising randy priests, this is his story…

Follow Joel on Insta: www.instagram.com/joelgolby

And buy his book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Four-Stars-Britains-best-loved-journalists

Links from the pod: 

Stopped by police: https://www.pppress.se/wp-content/uploads/2001/PPIBRAHIM1-20010103/PPIBRAHIM1-20010103.jpg

Goal against Netherlands: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2WsVHbD7zg

Overhead kick against England: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RM_5tJncHww

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Plus: disgraced Spanish FA chief Luis Rubiales is egged by his uncle, the Serbian WAG who’s dad was a warlord, and our man Down Under gives us the inside scoop on Ashes Eve.

Sign up to The Upshot’s Patreon for EARLY ACCESS TICKETS TO OUR LIVE TOUR next April. Do not miss out!

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Links from the pod:

ESPN Brazil commentary of Troy Parrott’s winner: https://x.com/ballsdotie/status/1990315434797875497 

Kevin Doyle in RTE studio: https://www.reddit.com/r/ireland/comments/1oyuman/the_rte_studio_after_parrott_scored 

Barmy Army awful song: https://www.instagram.com/p/DQQ9RevDGnz/?hl=en 

Luis Rubiales gettin’ egged: https://x.com/MenInBlazers/status/1989139463587639324 

Luis Rubiales uncle pic: https://www.instagram.com/p/BzH6x_vFUi6/?hl=en 

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Matt Le Tissier’s empire of filth has been shut down by the cops. 

And he’ll never trust the establishment again.

But his battles with the state and its puppets are just getting started.

In part 2, Matt hooks up with Goldilocks at a pantomime, feuds with Glen Hoddle and Gary Lineker, and uncovers the sinister plot to control the weather…

Links from the pod: 

Valley Slags: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixXIosCrCLY

Calling out Ian Wright on GB News: https://x.com/beardedgenius/status/1634290810115039233

Withdraws consent to be governed: https://x.com/mattletiss7/status/1679913916313239569

Looking at Rishi Sunak in DISGUST: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/GCm3ZX2WMAA_hFr.jpg

Livestream with numerologist: https://x.com/Nullen80/status/1780210491878465642

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Plus: Infantino makes a tit of himself again, and departing gaffer Rob Edwards is thrown out of Middlesbrough by security

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Links from the pod:

Mascots minute silence: https://x.com/MascotSilence/status/1193140302946586624 https://x.com/MascotSilence/status/1193140302946586624

Join The Upshot’s Patreon for never-heard details of Balotelli’s firework house fire, plus the swinging 60s tale of champagne-swigging, spy-shagging Man City legend Malcolm Allison.

https://www.patreon.com/c/upshottowers 

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In the 1990s, Matt Le Tissier was the ultimate cult hero.

A Malibu-swigging everyman with magic feet, he ran a strip club, got headbutted on dancefloors and guzzled KFC buckets every night.

But then things got a bit weird.

In his second act, Le Tiss warn against communist takeovers, accused Boris Johnson of controlling the weather, and withdrew his consent to be governed.

This is his story…

Links from the pod:

Amazing goal vs Blackburn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Cx59N1wHcs 

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Plus: Wesley Fofana gets 47 points on his licence and the Spurs star held at gunpoint by his agent.

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Links from the pod:

Wesley Fofana speeding: https://x.com/search?q=fofana%20driving&src=typed_query

Zenit midfielder attempted kidnapping: https://x.com/Buckarobanza/status/1982730247402586248 

Divas del futbol: https://www.instagram.com/divasdelfutboloficial/ 

Join The Upshot’s Patreon and unlock the blundering mayhem of Guy Fawkes and the gunpowder plot… 

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