Social Psychologist and author Bella DePaulo is 72, single by choice, and has spent decades proving that single life isn't a consolation prize. In this conversation she shares the research on why married people aren't actually happier, how single people get quietly punished, and why "growing old alone" is her fantasy, not her fear.

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From Bridget Jones to #SoloGlowUp, the story of singleness has had a rebrand. But is it liberation - or just a better-looking waiting room?

Melody Thomas meets two people sitting with that question. Beth is 42, an extrovert, and someone who loves hard - sometimes too hard. After a five-year relationship that slowly stripped away her sense of self, she's reassessing what she actually wants from a partnership. Then there's Scott - non-binary, gay, and seven years into single life. Not always lonely, but not untouched by it either. Comparison creeps in. So does the ache of going without touch.

And threaded through both stories: the question of whether our structures - social, legal, cultural - are quietly penalising people for being on their own. Psychologist Bella DePaulo has a name for that. She calls it singlism. And she has an entirely different way of thinking about love.

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Tom Scott - musician, father, and one of Aotearoa's most compelling voices - joins Melody for a wide-ranging conversation about love, loss, and what it actually takes to change. Tom's album Anitya is the jumping-off point: a record split between the wreckage of a decade-long relationship and the unexpected arrival of new love. But the conversation quickly goes deeper, touching on addiction and sobriety, the cycles of trauma we inherit from our parents, what real accountability looks like (hint: it starts at the bottom of the well), and why yearning is severely underrated.

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What makes some relationships survive betrayal while others collapse over something small?

John and Anna built a life over fifteen years together - then nearly lost it all. Not in one moment, but slowly: new parenthood, creeping distance, alcohol, silence, and eventually repeated infidelity. This episode follows their story through the idea of rupture and repair - the quiet, unglamorous work of mending a relationship not all at once, but crack by crack. What does it take to stay, when leaving would be easier?

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You don't have to do anything to become a victim of image-based sexual abuse. AI can now fabricate intimate images from a single photo - and the shame, fear, and coercion that follow are just as real as if it had actually happened. Melody talks to Netsafe's Sean Lyons about deepfakes, sextortion, nudify apps, and the organised crime networks behind them. Essential listening - especially if you have kids online.

Make a submission to the deepfake digital harm and exploitation bill here

Get in touch with Netsafe here

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Your data knows who you're attracted to. Your apps are learning how you love. And somewhere, an AI is waiting to be your perfect partner. Dr Rebecca Saunders talks to Melody about sex bots, relationship mediators, and the very human desires fuelling a very profitable industry.

Dr Rebecca Saunders' Book Bodies of Work can be bought here

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AI is no longer just for the workplace - it's reshaping how we flirt, date, fantasise, and experience intimacy. In the Season 3 opener, host Melody Thomas meets two people using AI to navigate their real sex and dating lives: Helen, a 38-year-old early adopter who used AI to hack the Hinge algorithm, and Rob, a happily married 40-year-old from the US Midwest who's been using AI as a "very different kind of sex toy" - and making surprising discoveries about himself along the way.

Guests

Helen, 38, Ōtautahi/Christchurch - early AI adopter, online dater, algorithm hacker

Rob, 40, Midwest USA - husband, father, and AI-assisted sexual explorer

What We Cover

🤖 AI & the dating apps: Helen's been paying for AI tools for four years. After a decade-long relationship ended, she returned to the apps and immediately put AI to work: curating her profile photos, crafting Hinge prompts, and - controversially - analysing the vibe of the men she was talking to.

📊 Gaming the algorithm: Helen asked her AI to do a deep dive on how Hinge's algorithm actually works, including whether the app deliberately shows you better profiles just as your free likes run out (scarcity psychology, anyone?). She followed the AI's strategy to reset her algorithm - and saw results within 24 hours.

💬 The rotation plan: Overwhelmed by matches, Helen uploaded WhatsApp threads from four different men and asked AI to rank them across categories like emotional maturity, initiative, and long-term potential. The results were... illuminating. And a little savage.

🪞 The mirror moment: Helen asked the AI to turn its analysis on her. What it said stopped her in her tracks - and led to a much-needed break from dating.

🎧 AI as sex toy: Rob discovered audio-first platform Bloom Stories, where users can have text and voice-based sexual exchanges with AI characters. For him, it's been a space for genuine self-discovery - including learning he's a switch, exploring JOI (you can Google that one), and even dabbling outside his usual preferences.

🔒 What to consider before you dive in: Rob shares his advice on choosing platforms carefully: who owns the app, how your data is used, and why consent-aware AI actually matters.

Key Quotes

"Lower quantity, high quality, almost overnight." - Helen, on AI-optimising her dating profile

"It asks me: Would you like to explore who to keep in rotation for what purpose? Savage." - Helen, on the AI's unsolicited strategic advice

"The most powerful sex toy is your imagination." - Rob

"If I have to ask GPT a question about my relationship, I should end it." - Helen, quoting a reel she saw (and fully endorsing)

"There is no room for love in a fortress. It requires exposure." - AI, to Helen, with zero chill

Resources & Platforms Mentioned

Hinge - dating app

Bloom Stories - audio erotica and AI intimacy platform

Also Out Now… Bonus Episodes

🎙️Bonus 1: Sex Bots & Dating Dilemmas with Dr Rebecca Saunders 

Melody talks with Dr Rebecca Saunders, Senior Lecturer at Cardiff University, about AI that positions itself as a solution to human loneliness - and how tech-companies harvest your sex-data and shape public desire.  

🎙️ Bonus 2: Digital Dangers - The New Rules, with Sean Lyons, Chief Online Safety Officer at Netsafe New Zealand

On how AI is opening new pathways for exploitation online. What parents, caregivers and educators need to know, and what's actually not worth worrying about.

Connect

📧 [email protected]

📱 Instagram & Facebook: @thegoodsexproject

Content note: This episode contains adult themes and explicit discussion of sexuality.

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We meet Charlie, who charts a course through a restrictive childhood, people pleasing, mirroring, and an abusive relationship to thriving as a solo non-monogamous person living with various mental and physical health issues. Can rejecting the ‘rules’ of monogamy help you feel safer, freer, and more yourself?

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Jasmine and her husband, together since their teens, had just started to reconnect and really learn about intimacy after having kids when Jasmine got a shock diagnosis. While they navigate Jasmine’s health journey, they continue to connect in ways that surprise them. 

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When he was 14, Chris made a list of the attributes of his dream girlfriend. But as time ticked by, no-one made the grade. He was happy to wait until she appeared… but at some point he realised he was the only virgin on campus. And then M came along - who ticked almost none of his boxes, but was super fun and incredible. What should Chris do? 

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