Ask Rachel anything

When Brooklyn Beckham publicly announced he didn't want to reconcile with his parents he was joining a painful catalogue of family stories that have gone wrong. 

Estrangement is reportedly on the rise in Western societies but what's behind it? 

Dr Joshua Coleman spends his life working with estranged parents so he sees, first hand, the main factors that can lead to it. He highlights that while emotional abuse is often cited as a cause, it's often a matter of unmet expectations and generational differences. 

Some of the core drivers are divorce, children marrying someone who doesn't get on with your family, social media ideals, therapy culture and individualism. 

Given that estrangement can be emotionally devastating for parents, leading to feelings of isolation and loss, he advises parents to take their children's complaints seriously and to be open to therapy and family discussions.  

Dr Joshua Coleman:

Family Troubles: https://joshuacolemanphd.substack.com/

https://joshuacolemanphd.substack.com/p/how-to-not-become-estranged

https://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/

Teenagers Untangled Community Substack:

https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

For all of the tips click here:

https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/p/how-to-talk-to-your-teen-about-body

https://open.substack.com/pub/teenagersuntangled/p/how-to-get-your-kids-to-do-their?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=post%20viewer

A healthy body image: Feeling happy and satisfied with your body and what it can do. 

An unhealthy body image: Highly self-critical, comparing their body to others and obsessing about some aspect of it. 

Beauty and body image are universal triggers for shame. Shame is a deeply painful sensation from the belief that we’re not good enough and will not be accepted by a group.

Only 5% of American women have the body type that advertising depicts as ideal. People magazine poll found that 80% of women respondents felt insecure when they viewed images of women in TV and films. There’s an entire industry fueling our negative feelings regarding body image.

Resources:

https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/healthy-lifestyle/body-image/body-image-teens
The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor 
I Thought it was just me by Brené Brown

Previous episode:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/104-teen-weight-and-body-image-a-mother-and-daughter-explore-the-issues/

Chores: 

Household duties develop a sense of purpose. Lack of purpose is one of the most reported problems in suicidal people. Teens are capable of doing practically any household duty and gives them a sense of belonging to the family team.

The Gift of Failure Jessica Lahey: Children prefer parents who hold them responsible for not meeting expectations over those who monitor their children. 

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

'Early adolescence is a friendship meat grinder, and your kid will eventually find their people,' according to Megan Saxelby of Wild Feelings. But oh boy it's tough!  

Megan wants parents to know that using words like “dramatic” to describe genuine social pain can accidentally give us permission to dismiss their emotional reality and teach our kids that their experiences doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously.

In today’s episode we explore why it hurts so much to watch our child struggle socially, and why our instincts to either dismiss or ‘fix things’ can often make it worse.

The good news is that there’s new research, by the eminent Dr David Yeager, that shows there’s one thing our kids can learn that can reduce depression in teens by nearly 40%.

We hear the details and some great tips for us parents on the frontline.

Megan Saxelby:

https://wildfeelings.substack.com/ 

Rachel's Substack:

https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/

The Study:

https://www.nature.com/articles/s44220-022-00009-5

This is such a big topic I have created a lot of content to cover it:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/puberty-toxic-friendships-pick-me-girls-top-tips-for-parenting-teenagers-from-teenagers-147/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/top-friendship-tips-for-teen-girls-lessons-from-real-life-sisters/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/139-preparing-for-secondary-school-friendship-groups-and-those-awkward-talks-about-porn-and-sexti/

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/friendship-girls-and-toxic-groups-also-resilience-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-g/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

We want our kids to do as well as possible, so when they mess up, do dumb things, or seem to be failing, it's easy to focus on their mistakes and what they should do instead. 

Naomi Glover, a leading applied neuroscientist and brain health specialist, says we'd get the best out of our kids by doing the opposite; focusing on their strengths.

Coming from a  neurodivergent family, she truly understands the challenges faced by ADHD, dyslexia, and other neurotypes and offers practical, easy-to-use “brain hacks” for things like anxiety, focus, and emotional regulation.

Naomi believes that once we understand how our brain works, we can work with it—not against it this episode gives us those tips.

Naomi Glover:

https://neuro-informed.com

Find your strengths:

PARENTS: 

https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/pro/parentingstrengths/account/register

UNDER 18'S: https://StrengthBoostU18.pro.viasurvey.org/

Top tips:

1. Lead with strengths, not deficits
   • Regularly name what your teen does well (kindness, perseverance, curiosity, humour, etc.) instead of only correcting what’s missing.
2. Swap judgment for curiosity
   • Use phrases like “I noticed…”, “Tell me more about what happened”, and “What could we do differently next time?” to keep conversations safe and open.
3. Use recognition as rocket fuel (especially with ADHD/RSD)
   • Give specific, genuine praise:
     • “That was really kind leadership when you…”
     • “I really appreciated you helping with the washing up – that was great teamwork.”
4. Reduce brain overload with routines and single-tasking
   • Build simple, predictable habits (e.g. “Saturday is bed-linen day”).
   • Avoid multitasking; do one thing at a time and protect focus where possible.
5. Teach nervous-system resets
   • Use quick tools for you and your teen:
     • Breathing: in for 4, out for 8, 3–5 times.
     • Nature breaks: ~20 minutes outside to reset attention and mood.

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

While counseling sex offenders, Anna Sonoda, LCSW learned firsthand that grooming, the prelude to child sexual abuse, is intentional, gradual, and observable. Her message to us is, we're not bad parents, we just have a skills gap and she wants to fill it. 

I grew up in an era of stranger danger, but the truth is the vast majority of abuse happens inside our homes, online and offline, with people our kids know. So how can we spot the signs that a predator is moving in on us and our kids? 

Anna says there are clear stages of grooming that, once we know about them, we can intercept. She introduces the "4F formula" for grooming: flattery, favoritism, forbidden fruits, and fear, and stresses the importance of recognizing grooming's subtle signs. Anna advises parents to set clear device usage rules, use parental controls, and maintain open communication with their children. She also advocates for delaying social media access until age 16 and emphasizes the role of parents in curating their children's online and offline environments.

In this episode we cover:

• What Is Grooming? (And Why Your Gut Isn’t Enough)
• Who Is at Risk? Myths About “Safe” Communities
• Online vs Offline Grooming: Why Both Matter
•  The 4F Formula: Stages of Grooming Parents Need to Know
• Red Flags of Grooming in Digital Spaces
• Devices, Social Media and Age: What’s Really Appropriate?
• Practical House Rules That Reduce Grooming Risk
• Building “Predator-Proof” Kids Through Connection
• Reclaiming Parental Leadership in a Tech-Driven World

Resources:

Anna Sonoda: www.annasonoda.com

IWF: https://www.iwf.org.uk/ UK-based for reporting and removing innapropriate images

Common Sense Media: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/ For useful and appropriate age guidance

Predator’s Playground: AI, Gaming, and the Kids at Risk

https://annasonoda.com/blog/f/predator%E2%80%99s-playground-ai-gaming-and-the-kids-at-risk?blogcategory=Online+safety

Protecting Families in the Age of AI: 'Take It Down Act'

 https://annasonoda.com/blog/f/protecting-families-in-the-age-of-ai-take-it-down-act?blogcategory=Online+safety

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

Hint: it depends on how you define happy and successful.

We all want our kids to be happy and successful but what does that mean? In today's episode, I'm joined by Giselle Goodwin, author of Can Women Really Have it All? to talk about our definitions of success and happiness, and how they impact the way we parent. 

In this changing landscape where what we inherit can mean more than how hard we work what expectations should we have, and what message should we be giving our kids about their future if we want them to be happy? Do we have much of impact anyway?

Eldest daughter syndrome:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/eldest-daughter-syndrome-and-the-trouble-with-parentification/

The Family Dynamic and the Role of our Community in our Success:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/141-success-what-nobody-tells-us-about-the-role-of-siblings-are-parents-that-important/

Inheritcocracy: How Society has Changed the Rules of Success

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/136-society-has-changed-are-education-and-hard-work-less-important-now-than-parents/

Dr David Yeager: 10 to 25 'Status and Respect'

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/motivation-how-to-motivate-your-teenager-and-why-blame-and-shame-doesnt-work/

Perfectionism:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/perfectionism-help-your-teen-and-yourself-overcome-the-need-to-be-perfect/

High expectations episode and blog:

Episode: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/standards-setting-high-expectations-without-the-pressure/

Blog: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/setting-expectations-without-piling-on-the-pressure/

Why mothers aren't happy:

https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/motherhood-and-careers-can-women-really-have-it-all/

Giselle Goodwin:

 @gisellegoodwinwrites on Instagram and YouTube

https://substack.com/@gisellegoodwin

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

Updated to correct the music issues at the beginning: 

This episode will change how you see “bad behaviour” and might just change how you see yourself, too.

In this powerful conversation, with Dr Jody Carrington unpack what every parent and teacher needs to know about emotional regulation – and why you’re probably doing better than you think.

In this episode, we cover:

1. What emotional regulation really is
   • The “flipped lid” model and the role of the prefrontal cortex
   • Why kids don’t “lose their goodness” – they just lose access to it
2. Why your regulation matters more than any parenting hack
   • “If the big people aren’t okay, the little people don’t stand a chance”
   • How our phones, watches and constant comparison are quietly dysregulating us
3. Behavior, consequences and connection
   • Why a strict rewards-and-punishments model backfires
   • The shift from “What’s wrong with this child?” to “What happened to this child?”
4. Repair: the real superpower in families and classrooms
   • Why the best predictor of lasting relationships is the capacity to repair
   • How to apologise to your child (and your partner) in ways that actually heal
5. Practical tools you can use today
   • The phrases “Tell me more” and “What’s the hardest part?”
   • The “collect before you direct” principle
   • Everyday connection habits: eyes, car rides, bedtime, food, and shared interests
6. Hope for worried, exhausted parents
   • Why kids should be “worst” with you (and why that’s a good sign)
   • The 30% rule that lets you drop the perfectionism and keep going.

Dr Jody Carrington:

https://www.drjodycarrington.com

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

I thought we'd kick off the new year with an episode on how building our own community of people we admire can dramatically change our future and break from a difficult past.

In this episode, I talk with Mitchell Osmond, who transformed his life from financial instability, marital strife, and addiction to a thriving marriage, debt repayment, and personal health.

Mitchell attributes his turnaround to two pivotal moments: a marital fight and a funeral that made him question his life's direction.

He formed a "Iron Five" group of mentors and within 18 months paid off $100,000 in debt, lost 60 pounds, and improved his marriage.

Mitchell emphasizes the importance of presence over perfection in family life and the need for men to connect emotionally with their wives and children. He also discusses the impact of fatherlessness and the necessity of role models for boys.
 
Mitchell Osmond:  @dadnationco  

Where to find Mitchell Osmond

https://www.dadnationco.com/

New Year's Resolutions:

EPISODE: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/70-new-years-resolutions-love-them-or-loathe-them-the-question-is-how-can-we-make-them-work-for-u/

BLOG WITH MY TECHNIQUE: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/Be-the-person-you-want-to-be-not-the-person-others-think-you-should-be/

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

The anxiety epidemic:
In 2020 the UK charity Mental Health Foundation surveyed more than 2,000 children and found 50 per cent of teenagers aged 13-19 were experiencing anxiety they found hard to control.  

Substack notes and PDF to go with this episode:

https://substack.com/@teenagersuntangled/note/c-193100671?r=2u24i0&utm_source=notes-share-action&utm_medium=web

https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/p/the-rise-in-teen-anxiety 

Suggested books:

·        The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal with Anxiety and Worry

·       Breaking free from Childhood Anxiety and OCD, Eli Lebowitz.

The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

https://www.anxiousgeneration.com/

Key points taken from UNWINDING ANXIETY: by Judson Brewer 

Mindfulness is a key tool:

'If you feel anxious it’s an uncomfortable feeling so you start worrying about it. Worrying is seductive because it makes you feel like you’re doing something to get to a solution. All it does is to distract you from the negative emotion. It temporarily numbs the difficult feelings and feels more rewarding to your brain than the original emotion.'

'If your brain learns that worrying provides temporary relief, then whenever you’re anxious your brain will trigger worry. It becomes a compulsive habit over which you have no control, but the worrying makes you feel more anxious.'

·       The first step to understanding your own anxiety is simply mapping your own habit loops/ What kind of situations trigger anxiety or other difficult feelings? 

·       Which behaviours has your brain learned to respond as a way to soothe or distract you?

·       What is the result of those behaviours?'

When you get into an anxiety loop use:

RAIN:

• Recognise difficult feelings.
• Accept them and allow them to be there.
• Investigate the sensations in your body and emotions bubbling up.
• Note what’s going on, and simply observe yourself out of curiosity.

Resources:

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/23/health/mental-health-crisis-teens.html
https://www.forbes.com/sites/williamhaseltine/2021/08/25/depression-and-anxiety-double-in-youth-compared-to-pre-pandemic/?sh=22e0bfb2139f
https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/feeling-anxious-dont-worry-its-good-for-you-s70jvtdbx
https://childmind.org/article/signs-of-anxiety-in-teenagers/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

None of us likes blowing a fuse when our teen does something that triggers us, but we all do it at some point. 

Nicky asked us to discuss this topic after she felt she'd overreacted to bad feedback from her son's teachers. We know it fixes nothing and leaves us feeling worse than before, but can we keep smoothing it over with an apology?  

Click the link at the bottom to access all the tips from the episode and also a parent’s worksheet to help you unpack your feelings:

https://open.substack.com/pub/teenagersuntangled/p/how-to-avoid-overreacting-and-why?r=2u24i0&utm_medium=ios&shareImageVariant=overlay

It was such a great topic to suggest, and when it was first aired I had some amazing feedback from listeners who'd suddenly realised that they were reacting in the way they had been programmed to by their own family.

My daughter also told me that the main reason her friends don't tell her parents anything is that they think the parents either don't care or that they'll overract.

That's why this podcast is so valuable. It gives us as space to stop and think about the things that come to us unbidden, so that we can upack them and make changes that help us with our own relationships.

Long term, if we don't manage to adapt, we run the risk of ruining our connection with our teens because they learn that the best way to manage us parents is to keep quiet, hide, or lie to prevent a repeat.  

So how can we stop ourselves from overreacting? We talk through some mindfulness techniques that could make all the difference. 

This is also a VITAL skill to teach our own teens. 

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:

• When You Lose It by Roxy and Gay Longworth
• The Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters

RESOURCES:

• How to Stop Overreacting to Everything by Patrick Allan
• https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-stop-overreacting#recap
• https://theparentingreframe.com/the-4-steps-you-need-to-stopoverreacting-and-yelling-at-your-kids-for-good/
•  https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201007/overreactions-in-adolescence

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything

What's the point of fathers? Michael Ray, father and gender equality campaigner says the way they're portrayed in the media and advertising sends the impression that they are either bumbling idiots or not an important part of raising kids.

It was only when Michael was left raising his daughter alone that he became conscious of how little support there is for men taking on less traditional roles in the home. He highlights the lack of representation of fathers in media and advertising, noting that only 4% of parenting portrayals in Australia feature fathers. 

Ray argues that we've made big changes to our views of women but that hasn't been matched either in the workplace or in the media for men, and true equality is only possible if men are given more status and respect in the role of father.

Michael Ray:

https://michaelray.com.au/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/michael-ray-574079183/

Support the show

Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.

You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.

Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com

Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/

You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk