#117.  What do you do when the career you love is gone, and you're barely staying afloat? And why is helping yourself so much harder than helping others? 

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Loss #59 of 101: Loss of a police career and self worth

In this episode, we meet Ken Anderson from York, England; a retired police officer whose life took an unexpected turn after a nearly 20-year career as a response officer, firearms officer, and trainer.

Ken's front-line career came to an abrupt end after a serious car crash, during a police chase, which left him injured. What followed was a deeply challenging period of his life. In July 2023, Ken hit rock bottom as he struggled with depression, self-doubt, and the heartbreak of losing the "police family" he cherished.

But this isn’t just a story about loss—it’s about hope. Ken shares how three simple words—“Are you OK?”—were a turning point that prevented him ending his life.

Today, he’s transforming his pain into purpose, advocating for mental health awareness and meaningful connection.

This conversation is a raw and honest look at:

• The emotional toll of emergency service careers
• How to navigate the depths of depression and loss
• The power of reaching out and supporting one another in times of need

We also explore how Ken is finding new purpose and meaning after such a profound life shift.

And of course, we wrap up with our signature question: What’s your Herman? Curious to learn more? Visit thesilentwhy.com/herman.

For more about Ken visit:
www.phoenix-rises.co.uk
https://www.linkedin.com/in/ken-anderson-8842b0313/

And for more about Andy's Man Club (mentioned in the episode), visit:
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

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#116. Let's Chat... about what it looks like when we use social media to show and share our grief.

These 'Let’s Chat' episodes are conversations with guests who have experience/expertise in a particular area of loss. 

In this episode, I (Claire Sandys) chat to Rebecca Feinglos in North Carolina who is a certified grief support specialist and the founder of Grieve Leave - which offers grief support, education and training for workplaces.

By the age of 31, Rebecca had lost both her parents and was dealing with the end of her marriage, these losses led her to take a year off to process them all, which is what she called her Grieve Leave. 

During this time, Rebecca started blogging about her grief and its popularity eventually led her to set up Grieve Leave as an organisation in 2021 to help others. This online community now has an impressive 30,000 members worldwide, who all share their grief, or are looking to help others who are grieving, particularly through the use of social media.

With her experience of seeing and sharing grief online, I was keen to talk to Rebecca about grief in the online world. Does it help or hinder us? How has the internet opened up new areas of grieving for us? And how do we accept those? There's a lot of ground covered in this chat, including raccoons (!) and a question I've never asked before in a Let’s Chat episode (for you regular listeners, see if you can work out what it is.)

For more about Rebecca and Grieve Leave:
https://www.grieveleave.com
https://www.instagram.com/grieveleave
https://www.instagram.com/rfeinglos

Viral video of Rebecca & Adele:
https://www.tiktok.com/@rfeinglos/video/7177076659344919850 

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#115. Have you ever considered the losses that might be encountered by going through puberty early? Have you even heard of precocious puberty? Let alone think about it in the context of grief.

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Loss #58 of 101: Loss of agency over your body through precocious puberty

Meet Dannie-Lu Carr, who lives on the south coast of England in St Leonards-on-sea, and is an executive coach, author, singer-songwriter, actor and director.

Dannie-Lu went through precocious puberty (or early puberty) at the age of 8 years old, and she shares the subsequent losses she's encountered in her life since.

This is a very valuable conversation about an area of grief that people might not consider or know much about. We're hoping it will be a useful tool to help adults who might have children they know going through, but also to help anyone that went through it themselves and who is still processing what was taken from them through that experience.

Dannie-Lu shares about why it's only now, in her 40's, that she can talk about it, what she's learnt from it, how it's shaped how she sees herself (especially her body), and what she's gained from it.

For more about Dannie-Lu, visit:
https://dannielucarr.com/
https://portfoliodlc.com
https://flamingleadership.co.uk

Social media:
https://www.instagram.com/dannielucarr/
https://www.instagram.com/dannie_lu_carr_music

Music:
https://dannielucarrmusic.com

Podcast:
https://complicatedpod.co.uk/

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BONUS EPISODE TIME! 

... and this episode contains something that I've never shared on the podcast before.

Welcome to The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of loss.

Many of you will know that I (Claire Sandys, host) enjoy podcasting (of course!) and writing, and drinking Earl Grey tea and eating marzipan, but what you might not know is that I also occasionally speak at church gatherings. 

This year I was asked to share something at the annual All Soul's service, which is specifically for people to come to remember those who have died. This usually takes place the week of Halloween, or as it used to be called All Hallows Eve.

So my remit for the talk was 10-15 mins on grief, loss, and the hope we have through our faith (you're starting to see why I was asked to do this, aren't you?!)

And because it was SO similar to what I also do on the podcast, and because maybe you are remembering a loved one you've lost, I thought I'd share it with you as a bonus episode.

So here it is...

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#114. How does the grief of losing someone to suicide differ from other deaths? What emotions and questions does it raise? And what if it's your spouse who's died, and you're five months pregnant with his child? 

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Loss #57 of 101: Loss of a husband to suicide while pregnant

Meet Rachel Hart, from Liverpool, who recalls the time she was five months pregnant and the police knocked on her door to tell her that her husband had been found dead. She was later told he had died by suicide. 

Rachel is no stranger to grieving, having lost both her parents before her mid-30’s, but this kind of grief took her to a whole new level.

In this episode, Rachel shares about the blessing that the Covid lockdowns turned out to be (with a new baby), how she managed new emotions like anger that were tied in with her grief, and what people can say (and avoid saying!) when faced with a story like hers. Plus, she shares how and when hope returned to help her look to the future.

And we send many congratulations to Rachel (and her newly wed husband), because they got married within days of us recording this episode.

Charities and organisations Rachel wants to share links to: https://www.instagram.com/calmzone/
https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/
https://uksobs.com/

Nora McInerny books Rachel mentioned: https://noraborealis.com/

For help on language around suicide: https://shiningalightonsuicide.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/Language-guide-for-talking-about-suicide.pdf 

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#113. Life is hectic. Sometimes we simply need to stop for a moment. And that’s what this short episode is all about. 

Oh, and the beautiful sounds of the Eternal Forest in Wales…

Welcome to The Silent Why podcast, here to help you navigate loss and grief, and possibly... find hope. 

These new, very short, episodes will pop up every now and then to help you take a moment to check in and see how you're really feeling.  

7 minutes total, including 2 minutes of time for you and you alone - join me in an imaginary place and allow yourself to press pause on life for a short while. 

And for this episode I'm asking you to come for a stroll with me down the peaceful paths of the Eternal Forest natural burial ground in North Wales, listen to the birds, the quiet, and nature just doing it's thing around you. 

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#112. What is it like doing chaplaincy work on the frontline with the police? Or experiencing the worst humans can do to each other up close?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Loss #56 of 101: Loss in the role of a Police Chaplain

Meet Jared Altic, a returning podcast guest who is here to talk to us about what it's like to work as a full-time Pastor, voluntary Police Chaplain at his local police department in Kansas City, and podcaster.

Jared Altic has over 25 years of experience serving and counselling military and law enforcement families, responding to families of crime victims and working long term with police in areas of wellness. And we spoke to him over 2 years ago in a Let's Chat episode, and now he's back as part of our list of 101 losses. 

In this episode Jared shares why why he does this kind of work, the challenges it can bring to his own wellbeing, how he makes sure his work doesn’t always get the best of him, and the toll being around death can take. 

Yet, despite all the horrendous things Jared has witnessed, he’s still a strong believer in hope... for everyone. 

To listen to Jared's podcast, ‘Hey, Chaplain’, visit: https://heychaplain.buzzsprout.com/

And we specifically recommend an episode we mentioned on compassion fatigue and you can listen to that on any podcast player or through his website: https://heychaplain.buzzsprout.com/1792621/10314453-025-what-is-compassion-fatigue-richard-hartman

To read, or listen to, Claire's top tips on how to speak to people who are grieving, visit: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/howtotalktothegrieving

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#111. So, is grief selfish? I mean it's largely about something we're sad about. It's something we've lost or miss. So, is it a selfish thing?

Let's open up this can of worms, shall we?!

Welcome to another My Why from Claire Sandys (co-host of The Silent Why podcast). My Why episodes are audio versions of my latest blog post. If you'd prefer to read it, you can find it here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/is-grief-selfish

I overheard a conversation in a charity shop, and it really made me chew over this question all the way home - is grief selfish?

Does that question make you feel uncomfortable? Is it grief-podcast-suicide to suggest it might be selfish? Do we make grief all about us when we shouldn't? Is it possible to get stuck in grief in a selfish way? Do you assume the definition of selfish is always bad? Will people throw shocked faces at me just for posing this question?

Join me to find out.

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#110. Do you find the summer hard, painful, a reminder of things you don't have?

Whether you have children, don't have children, go on holiday, don't go on holiday - things do shift a bit in this month, and because of that, things are a bit different at The Silent Why HQ too.

Welcome to another episode from me, Claire Sandys, host of The Silent Why podcast. This one is a bit of an update on what's happening over the next few weeks, and why.

I've decided to repeat what I did last year and take some time to focus on my writing over August, and I'm very excited about it. So this episode tells you a bit more about that, and just generally catches you up with all things Silent Why-y.

If this is a month you struggle with, then check out the blog I mention: The Season of August. Listen on any podcast player or here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/76de59b8/blog-my-why-the-season-of-august
Read: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/theseasonofaugust

And the favourite blog I mentioned: Listen: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/4da01fa4/blog-my-why-meet-my-friend-the-moon

And don't forget you can support the show (and ultimately fuel my tea drinking while I'm writing over the summer) by visiting Buy Me A Coffee or buying a Herman to send to someone. 10% off in August with the code PODCASTLOVE.

And to follow Herman on Instagram go to: www.instagram.com/thehermancompany

Thank you so much for listening to The Silent Why, may your hope-tank never be empty because of it.

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#109. What if your loved one doesn't have a 'good' death? How do you cope with the trauma of witnessing someone suffer at the end of their life?

This is The Silent Why, a podcast on a mission to open up conversations around grief, to see if hope can be found in 101 different types of permanent loss.

Loss #55 of 101: Loss through a bad/complex death

In this episode we chat to Kay Backhouse, in Morecombe, Lancashire, about the death of her youngest brother, Syd, to neuroendocrine cancer in 2019.

Kay was living in Australia with her family when her brother was first diagnosed, and one day she received some unexpected communication from him that started a chain of events that led her back home.

Sadly, a couple of years later, in a hospice, with his family, Syd suffered a 'bad death' or 'complex death' which added an extra, very painful, level of grief and trauma to Kay's loss.

This is a subject you don't often hear discussed, so we're very grateful to Kay for chatting to us about her experience.

Kay believes that if she’d been better prepared, or educated, about deaths like this, then maybe the way her brother died wouldn't have been so traumatising.

She's now passionate to help others learn more about death, and we believe it's an important topic we should all be willing to learn about - not only in case we go through it, but also to help others.

And Syd's death has had a profound impact on Kay's personal and professional life; the way she views death, sees hope, spends her time, and views the future. This is a conversation that is anything but sad and depressing, it is a story of hope.

For more about Kay, and her book, 'Losing You, Finding Me', visit: https://www.kaybackhouse.com

Listen to our other episode with Kay & Maddy: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7c8f6445/lets-chat-life-in-a-hospice-with-maddy-bass-and-kay-backhouse

Leave a review on Apple Podcasts, if you don't have an Apple device: https://podmatch.com/blog/how-to-leave-an-apple-review-for-a-podcast-from-your-iphone-ipad-or-from-your-computer

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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com

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#108. I've always loved graveyards. I'm not sure what it is about them that draws me in, but a little while ago I decided to record my musings as I wander round them.

So that's what these Graveyard Musing episodes are, just me and my phone, in a graveyard. And sometimes I go international (like this one) and sometimes Chris joins me (like this one).

Anyway, welcome to another Graveyard Musing from me, Claire Sandys (host of The Silent Why podcast).

In this musing, Chris (husband) and I are wandering around Moorslede Communal Cemetery in Belgium.

Come with us to explore how different graves are in Belgium, and hear our thoughts as we look around a very crowded cemetery in Moorslede, but also a beautiful one we find on the other side of the road.

For the photos that accompany this episode, so you can visualise what we're talking about, visit: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/graveyardmusingsbelgiumagain

If you want to hear more episodes like this, check out:

Graveyard Musings, Tyne Cot & Ypres, Belgium: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7f63d7e9/graveyard-musings-tyne-cot-and-ypres-belgium

Graveyard Musings: Llanfair Talhaiarn, Wales:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7e418cc4/graveyard-musings-llanfair-talhaiarn-wales

Graveyard Musings: Gloucestershire, England (Part 1 of 3):
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/76b3f1f7/graveyard-musings-gloucestershire-england-part-1

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