1. don't die. - some days this is finding joy to keep me moving, other days it's simply not dying even though I can't move.
2. don't let shame drive the car. - shame is a violent toddler throwing a very persuasive temper tantrum in the backseat. I have to stop giving that jerk the keys to the car.
3. don't future trip. - if I lost someone I never dreamed of losing I also have to leave space to believe I can gain someone I never dreamed it was possible to gain.
4. be gentle with the process. - compassion is key. I'm treating myself like a baby. Like a puppy. Lots of treats, walks, forced playtime, enrichment, and a snuggly little cozy bed to rest in.

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He went to a wedding without me. He lied about my dad being sick when people asked about me. He was also regularly asking a woman from work if he could come meet up with her before shifts and after shifts. He had said "I love you" to another woman he sent thousands to for photos. I was devastated. And I spiraled. I hit rock bottom.

So I spent a week drilling in. Leaning into the horrors and demons. I got some closure but all the answers in the world will never be enough.

You can't explain a chaotic choice like cheating or betrayal.

But it has reminded me that I'm responsible for protecting my spark. He took it and snuffed it out, but I am fully capable of relighting it. I will keep it safe myself, and never trust anyone to be responsible for it again.

My goal is to not hate him. And as far as I can tell, it's his goal too. I still waffle between anger/hatred/contempt/ick to despair/fear/unworthiness/shame/sadness and complete confusion/betrayal/alarm at the unpredictability of humans. But for now, I'm honoring the part of me that wants to save myself. I'm relighting my spark. I'm nurturing myself with compassion and grace and patience I couldn't find in someone else. And that has to be enough for now.

I shouldn't have needed to hit rock bottom to remember to take care of myself, and I'll never let myself get to that point again.

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He didn't find it funny, as tricksters rarely do.

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This motherfucker looked me in my eyes and said I promise there is nothing else that will upset you in here. 

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Today's episode is explicit.... but not as explicit as tomorrow's.

This motherfucker looked me in my eyes and said I promise there is nothing else that will upset you in here. That... was a lie.

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Coyotes represent a trickster spirit, thank goodness there aren't coyotes in this suburb of Florida.

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I fall asleep ruminating. I wake up ruminating. Things are blinking and flashing on my dash but I can’t figure it out so I just keep trucking. I stop creating. It feels suddenly like math is a farce and chaos and disorder is the only reality. 

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“I don’t like it when the math ain’t mathing.“ - KENTHEMAN

I can do anything temporarily as long as there's hope at the end of the tunnel. The problem is, if I can't see that light? I'm gonna be freaking out until I believe there's hope ahead.

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He lost his job and when I asked how much he had in savings he said "nothing." and I realized everything I knew about this man was a lie. But I loved him more than money. I grew up rightfully being called "trailer trash" and struggling to eat anything fresh or unpreserved. I would happily live on the street with this man.

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Today we discuss some of the red flags I missed.

I picked my battles carefully and thoughtfully and got a therapist friend to confirm my question: rumination ocd can sometimes disguise itself as intuition. 

I needed this to be rumination and not true intuition, so I willed it so.

Shame is a demon and sometimes she takes over my whole being, so I am working on righting the ship (and not letting shame steer my life, anymore).

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Sorry for the delay, but I'm back... with a very personal story.

Mikey has been my BFF since 16. I’m 38. That’s More than half my life.

He’s always down for literally anything and will always offer to be the designated driver. He is generous and considerate as hell when he’s trying to be. He was the funniest person I knew before moving to Chicago for comedy and meeting real comics. He’s fun. He’s kind. He is adaptable. He is chill. The most calm voice in the room. But also down to party. He’s just cool. And fun. And my people know and love him. He’s met my gramma. He went with me to Vermont for my birthday.

After my gramma died.He’s was there after my brother cut me off from him and his kids 2020 because I sent him a Christmas card that had a hand painted penguin in a mask and Santa hat so he told me, I quote “I know how you are” before never speaking to me again. 

When my maga momma did the same to me a few years later? Mike was there. Distracting me. Offering support. A shoulder. Reassurance. Kindness. Peace. When nobody else ever did. 

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The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

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