We all love the idea of a redemption arc. We love the idea of hitting rock bottom and bouncing up and transforming into a confident, powerful badass permanently. As humans, we tend to see things in black and white, before and after, cut and dry. But it’s important to remember that no timeline or journey or arc is linear. 

Unfortunately life, and healing, is a messy process. Unfortunately it is not something you can win or lose, but instead relies on a perspective shift that allows compassion and integration to be able to react better, not perfectly. 

Prioritizing yourself (after years of not) might piss off the people around you who are used to you self sacrificing for them. This transition period will be uncomfortable for them and you. Adjust anyway. 

Again, I’m not saying to be mean or neglectful but you must learn to set some actual boundaries, and start to take yourself and your own capacity into consideration, and stop abandoning yourself in order to take care of everyone else. When you do this, with enough time and practice, you’ll be teaching others that they are capable of taking some of the burden they’d offloaded onto you. And you’ll be teaching your own nervous system you are safe and someone who can be trusted. Correcting those who criticize or dislike or misunderstand you cannot become the priority. You have to build your tolerance for unpopularity. 

Now admittedly, I initially had some hesitation to say embrace your “villain” era because I don’t want anyone who is already evil to feel empowered to be more evil, but I do truly believe that there is a select few of us human beings who need to be explicitly taught how to prioritize ourselves, which means we need to unlearn some of the ingrained habits that make us feel like we HAVE to be “good” a the expense of what is actually fair and right. So the villain I’m speaking about is not the type of villain that will harm others to get ahead, but instead the type of villain that realizes the power in prioritizing their needs so they can get back to elevating the collective needs of the world around them. I’m speaking specifically to those people who’s empathy for other people has become such an inherent part of their identity that they’ve forgotten their own humanity in the process.

The idea is to integrate the parts of ourselves we’ve blocked out so we can become whole. Integration is the goal, instead of leaning into the tendency to neglect certain aspects and label them as undesirable. 

SOURCES:

1. https://heroinejourneys.com/healing-journey/
2. https://www.alchemyofthought.com/blog/heroines-vs-heros-journey
3. https://www.abuddhistlibrary.com

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Part of me wants to beat a bitch's ass and part of me wants to shut down completely. This conflict makes us feel bad for feeling bad. We have to learn how to integrate these conflicting feelings. Mental housekeeping is a crucial part of the process.

"We all go through the healing cycle many times in our lives. It is inevitable that we may be disappointed by others' or by our own behavior at times. The forgiveness process offers a method of doing "emotional and mental housecleaning", of cleaning up the residues left by this. At first this may mean cleaning our emotional and mental household of the residue of many years of neglected accumulations of distress. It may seem like a big task to some, at the outset. However it can usually be done within a few months. Looking back once it has been done, it does not seem to large as it did at the outset. The amount of time required is probably less than one thirty thousandth part of your life time. Most of us will spend more time drinking tea or coffee than that, certainly more time sleeping! Just for a while, you will need to give it some priority. Most of us will spend more money on maintaining our motor vehicles that on maintaining our most precious possession - our sacred consciousness, our "hearts". It is always important to review how we have rank-ordered our values, and pain, tension, and disease are alerting signals when it is time to do that."

The healing journey is not linear and it exists in many forms. The healing journey outlined by the Buddhist Library is:

1. HURT.  
2. FEAR OR ANGER.  
3. FEAR AND ANGER GIVE RISE TO CONFLICTS.  
4. LOSS OF LOVE FOR SELF AND/OR OTHERS.  
5. ACTIVATION OF THE DEATH OR ILLNESS WISH.  
6. LIFT IN LIFE ENERGY.
7. DECISION TO GET WELL WHATEVER THAT MEANS, WHATEVER IT TAKES.  
8. DECISION TO FORGIVE/ FORGIVENESS PROCESS.  
9. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  
10. HEALING AND UNDERSTANDING.
11. WHOLENESS AND HEALTH/ BEING TRUE TO ONE’S SELF.  

SOURCES:

1. https://heroinejourneys.com/healing-journey/
2. https://www.alchemyofthought.com/blog/heroines-vs-heros-journey
3. https://www.abuddhistlibrary.com
4. https://heroinejourneys.com/heroines-journey/
5. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heroine%27s_journey
6. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hero%27s_journey

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The healing journey is not linear and it exists in many forms. The healing journey outlined by the Buddhist Library is:

1. HURT.  
2. FEAR OR ANGER.  
3. FEAR AND ANGER GIVE RISE TO CONFLICTS.  
4. LOSS OF LOVE FOR SELF AND/OR OTHERS.  
5. ACTIVATION OF THE DEATH OR ILLNESS WISH.  
6. LIFT IN LIFE ENERGY.
7. DECISION TO GET WELL WHATEVER THAT MEANS, WHATEVER IT TAKES.  
8. DECISION TO FORGIVE/ FORGIVENESS PROCESS.  
9. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  
10. HEALING AND UNDERSTANDING.
11. WHOLENESS AND HEALTH/ BEING TRUE TO ONE’S SELF.  

SOURCES:

1. https://heroinejourneys.com/healing-journey/
2. https://www.alchemyofthought.com/blog/heroines-vs-heros-journey
3. https://www.abuddhistlibrary.com
4. https://heroinejourneys.com/heroines-journey/
5. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heroine%27s_journey
6. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hero%27s_journey

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The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. 

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Note: When I speak of women vs. men in this context I don’t do it to reinforce the binary. I don’t believe in the binary, but because we grew up and now exist in a society that reinforces the binary at every turn, I am speaking in regards to how we tend to be raised on gender lines. I hope this will apply to individuals regardless of gender, but when I speak about specific genders being affected, it is always in regards to our socialization. The societal expectations that were pushed upon us. NOT some feminine or masculine concept that is based in anything natural. 

SOURCES:

1. https://heroinejourneys.com/heroines-journey/
2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heroine%27s_journey
3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hero%27s_journey
4. https://www.alchemyofthought.com/blog/heroines-vs-heros-journey

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Do no harm but take no shit.

Historically, especially under a patriarchal rule, women have been taught to be selfless, self sacrificing, useful, and kind over everything else. 

The goal is to be seen and not heard. To be pleasant and palatable. While I think those are great virtues and attributes under a normal context, the patriarchy is not a normal context. Our society puts profits over people, so being taught to be self sacrificing is dangerous. Our society doesn’t have our best interest at heart. Am I telling you to not be kind, or generous? No. I am telling you to back off of the self sacrificing role that a lot of us were forced into. Compliance, obedience, and self sacrifice is dangerous, yet it’s what many of us women were taught as the “normal” expectation of us. 

Remember that Matilda couldn't access her magic until she was pissed off.

SOURCES:

1. https://meridianuniversity.edu/content/shadow-work-meaning-in-jungian-psychology-explained
2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassionate-feminism/202505/the-post-forties-villain-era
3. https://livstclaire.substack.com/p/villain-era

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"Some things are up to us and some are not up to us. Our opinions are up to us, and our impulses, desires, aversions—in short, whatever is our own doing. Our bodies are not up to us, nor are our possessions, our reputations... whatever is not our own doing.” - Epictetus

"Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” He also said, "Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.” - Jean Paul Sartre

THE SOURCE:

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ethics_of_Ambiguity
2. https://raggeduniversity.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/The-Ethics-of-Ambiguity_-1948-Simone-de-Beauvoir-1948-.pdf

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A human being is a creature that doesn’t author the architecture in which it chooses from, so it can only act within the possibilities that it is capable of perceiving and expand those possibilities though learning, which can influence but never secure the outcome of their choices and therefore must live inside a permanent tension between agency and uncertainty. Growth is not escaping that tension, growth is becoming increasingly conscious of the spiral I’m already inside, while accepting that no amount of self knowledge will ever make existence fully controllable. And at the edge of that knowledge hope and faith aren’t irrational leftovers; they are what make continued participation possible when certainty runs out. - @GLUB on Tiktok

The source: https://www.tiktok.com/@misstryingtomoveon/video/7672928732721450253?_r=1&_t=ZP-99DAZs1JyRj

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be realistic, expect miracles.

The universe is chaotic and the more we fight that the harder it is to deal with it. Resistance of that truth is the problem, not the truth itself. When we finally learn to accept the reality that the universe is unpredictable, we stop limiting ourselves to our expectations. 

I am constantly at war with the reality of the universe. I cling to shit I can’t have and resist shit I can’t avoid. But clinging to the illusion of control is a false sense of safety. It makes me feel like I’m doing something of value, when it’s simply redirecting the little bit of control I do have into something I have no control over. 

Accepting that the future is not within our control frees us from the stress of trying to control it. Fighting reality takes so much mental energy and wastes our capacity for changing what actually we can change. Rigid expectations blind us to the limitless possibility of the future. 

I have an ampersand tattoo on my arm to remind me of the improv principle of “yes and” which is very helpful when I get stuck in my often limiting worldview of “this is it, forever.” I have found that it is a powerful practice to remember that the story doesn’t end with the discomfort. Yes, I am in pain AND I can move forward. Yes, that sucked, AND I can make it suck less. 

As somebody who wants to “fix” everything right away and avoid all discomfort, it’s nice to be able to focus on what I can actually affect instead of the reality that there’s much I can’t control. 

We can only see so much of the path ahead, our limiting ability of sight doesn’t mean the path doesn’t exist or we won’t be able to navigate it once we get there, it just means we can’t see what we haven’t approached yet. 

BE REALISTIC EXPECT A MIRACLE.

SOURCES:

1. https://strengtheningyourconsciousself.com/free-will-willpower-and-choices/
2. https://www.universetoday.com/articles/does-free-will-exist-part-2-the-chaotic-universe

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Uncertainty feels unbearable and can send us spiraling, keeping us trapped in our heads. It's important to get out of your head and into your body when this happens.

THE SOURCES:

1. https://gsas.harvard.edu/news/coping-uncertainty
2. https://creativemindspsychotherapy.com/2021/10/21/anxiety-happens-when-you-have-no-outlet-for-your-creativity/

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Emilia Fart has a poem she published on her TikTok in which she said, “When desolate, empty, and inspiration barren, remember the apricot you’ll eat next august, juice running down your chin. Remember lying on your back getting grass stains on your boomers pissing the day away. Remember wiping crumbs of good bread and butter from the corners of your mouth and smirking from the delight. Remember that beyond the outer layers of fear and control at your core there is a cord. This cord can’t be eradicated can’t be shrunk. This cord is a knowing. A quiet understanding that you can trust yourself. That you are held. To be human is to free fall into a void. The more you connect with that cord the more your lips curl up as the wind whips past your cheeks down the rabbit hole. The less you need to scratch the walls trying to find a root to cling to. Learn to love with every particle and need with every inch and finally, let it all go when the time comes. Stop sinking. You can accept that you are falling.” 

Read the article from today's episode here.

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We can't ask karma to do compassion's job. Acceptance and action are meant to be utilized together. Learn to separate what must be accepted from what must be changed. Don't make victory a measure of your worth.

THE SOURCE: https://blog.dharma-renaissance.org/philosophy/how-to-face-suffering-and-moral-crisis-through-dharma/

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