Coercive Control While Separated Under One Roof: How to Survive It | The Divorce Course Podcast (Part 2)

🎧 LISTEN IF YOU…

• Are separated but still stuck under one roof

• Were told you "can't leave" without a parenting plan

• Suspect you're being watched through cameras, phone or car

• Are scared to move money or make a move

• Want to plan a safe exit and set real boundaries

⚠️ General education only — not legal or psychological advice. Discusses coercive control, financial & tech abuse. In danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), Lifeline 13 11 14.

Part 2 of our six-part coercive control series with clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova and Family Law Specialist Lyn Galvin, all about surviving it while you're still in it.

00:00 – Separated but Stuck Under One Roof: You're Not Alone

01:00 – Six-Part Series, Guest Krasi Kirova & How to Send Questions

02:00 – Meet Krasi Kirova & Lyn Galvin

03:00 – Legal & Family Violence Disclaimer

04:00 – Does Coercive Control Continue After Separation? (Sally's Question)

05:00 – The Three Ds: Disrespect, Disempowerment, Distortion

06:00 – Why They Won't Move Out — The New Under-One-Roof Tactic

07:00 – Is Separation Under One Roof Required? Davis & Davis (Sarah's Question)

08:00 – "Can You Make Them Leave?" + When Your Ex Makes Up the Law

10:00 – DARVO Explained + Why Placating Doesn't Work (Nini's Question)

12:00 – How to Prove Escalating Abuse + Judges Are Trained

13:00 – Chronologies as Evidence + The Three-Year "Separation" Trap (Anonymous)

15:00 – The Stuck Feeling Is Entrapment — You Can Leave Without a Plan

17:00 – Cameras, Doorbells & Surveillance In Your Own Home (Loans' Question)

19:00 – Tech-Facilitated Abuse: 70% Is Everyday Tech + The Omnipresence Effect

20:00 – Is My Car Being Tracked? AirTags, Apps & What to Do (Marie's Question)

22:00 – Removing Tech Safely: Order Matters, Sweepers & Bluetooth

24:00 – When Your Ex Uses the Kids to Spy (She Bear's Question)

26:00 – Talking to Your Child About Privacy + Family Reports

28:00 – Krasi's Call-Out: Share Your Voice for the Psychology Conference

31:00 – Moving Money Without Awakening the Bear (JT's Question)

33:00 – Getting Your Ducks in a Row: The Safest Way to Leave

36:00 – 21 Years In — How Do I Announce I'm Leaving? (Tash's Question)

37:00 – The Shark Analogy: Why "Nicely" Doesn't Change the Reaction

38:00 – "You Moved Money Without My Consent" — Financial Control (Jessie's Question)

40:00 – Boundaries vs Buffers: Why Boundaries Can Backfire (Anonymous)

44:00 – Parenting Apps, Grey Rocking & the Three Anchors

45:00 – Legal Abuse, Comeuppance & the 14% Uplift Case

46:00 – Intervention Orders + A House-Sharing Idea for the Stuck

🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED

Can You Make Them Leave? — https://youtu.be/_XAG5c1hOkU

Tech-Facilitated Abuse (WESNET SafetyNet Australia) — https://youtu.be/rc8b27R_k9k

The Three Anchors with Sonia Bestulic — https://youtu.be/aHULu7ffPj4

Capturing Coercive Control in an Affidavit — https://youtu.be/SIyXCGXH5nw

🔗 RESOURCES

1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000

The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

Free Before-You-Go Checklist & Tech App Worksheet — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

Share your voice for Krasi's conference (anonymous) — https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2

Tech safety — https://techsafety.org.au

Davis & Davis [1984] — the case confirming it's unreasonable to expect separated people to live under one roof

If this episode helped you, please follow, rate, review and share so others stuck under one roof can find it too. Next week: Coercive Control & Financial Abuse.

Listen to this episode if…

• You keep asking yourself "is it me, or are they controlling?"

• The examples online always sound more extreme than what you're living

• You're walking on eggshells but second-guessing whether you're allowed to feel that way

• You've been told to "just set boundaries" but it only seems to make things worse

• You want to understand coercive control from both a psychological and a family-law angle

Legal Disclaimer & Family Violence Warning

This is general education – not legal advice or a psychological diagnosis. It discusses coercive control and abuse. If you're in danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14.

Episode Summary

"Is it me, or are they controlling?" That question ran under almost every message you sent in – so we turned it into a six-part series, and this is Part 1. Laura and Lyn are joined by clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova to answer the one nearly everyone asked: is this really coercive control?

Krasi shares her three Ds (disrespect, disempowerment, distortion), explains why coercive control is a pattern and a function rather than a list of behaviours, and how good qualities like compromise and empathy get weaponised. Lyn explains how family law treats coercive control differently from the criminal courts.

00:00 – Is It Me, or Are They Controlling?

03:30 – What Best Illustrates Coercive Control?

04:30 – The Restaurant Metaphor: Pattern, Not a Checklist

06:00 – The 3 Ds: Disrespect, Disempowerment, Distortion

07:30 – Psychology vs Family Law: Section 4AB

09:00 – Family Court vs Criminal Court: Different Tests

10:00 – When You Lose Sight of What's Reasonable

12:00 – How Compromise & Empathy Get Weaponised

13:00 – When Your Ex Wasn't As "Extreme" as the Examples

16:00 – Is Anger & Yelling Coercive Control?

18:00 – Can It Exist Without Financial Control?

19:00 – Repeated Pressure & Monopolised Decisions (

22:00 – Stonewalling, Delay & Deflection

25:30 – The PA Dynamic & Exploitation

28:00 – Needy or Controlling? How to Tell the Difference

30:00 – Blame-Shifting, DARVO & Perspecticide

33:00 – Infidelity, Guilt & Trying to Leave

39:00 – Silent Treatment as Punishment

43:00 – Why He Does Less When You're Sick

45:00 – Emotional Abuse vs Coercive Control

47:30 – Can the Main Breadwinner Be Controlled?

53:00 – Why Do They Do It? Can Survivors Heal?

58:00 – The Anxious, Controlling Attachment Style &

Have Your Say – Krasi's Conference Call-Out

📌 Have your say: Krasi is presenting on coercive control at the Australian National Psychology Conference. Share what you wish psychologists and therapists understood – anonymously, with optional audio. Link in the show notes. Entry form https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2

Resources

The 3 Ds of Coercive Control – the deep-dive episode with Krasi.https://youtu.be/bRmLZBRs--o?si=YZ1951oDofDe_lw7

• 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000

• Section 4AB, Family Law Act 1975 – definition of family violence

• Guest: Krasi Kirova, Clinical Psychologist

If this helped you start to name what you've been living, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find it too.

Listen to this episode if…

• You feel like you're just reacting to whatever your ex or their lawyer throws at you

• You're exhausted, foggy, and making life-changing decisions while running on empty

• You can't tell anymore whether your choices come from your intuition or from fear

• You find it hard to speak up for yourself in mediation, in court, or even to your own lawyer

• You've lost a bit of yourself and want practical ways to feel grounded again

• You want to move from just surviving your divorce to actually flourishing through it

This podcast is general information only it is not legal advice. This episode touches on coercive control and post-separation abuse. If you or someone you know is in danger, call 000. For confidential support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

If you're feeling stuck in survival mode reacting to every email, every legal letter, every move your ex makes this episode is the deep breath you've been needing. Laura is joined by Sonia Bestulic, award-winning author, speaker and wisdom teacher, whose book Flourish for Mums found Laura right in the middle of her own divorce. Together they unpack what survival mode actually is, why so many of us get stuck in it, and how to gently move out of it.

00:00 – Are You Stuck in Survival Mode During Your Divorce?

01:00 – Meet Sonia Bestulic: Author, Speaker & Wisdom Teacher

03:50 – "I Just Burnt Out": How Survival Mode Shows Up

05:30 – Why Your Mindset Can Affect Your Case as Much as the Law

07:00 – What Survival Mode Really Is (Fight, Flight, Freeze)

08:00 – The Lion Metaphor: A Fuel System Built for Short Bursts

09:30 – The Warning Signs You've Been in Survival Mode Too Long

10:50 – When Post-Separation Abuse Is Designed to Exhaust You

11:40 – The Three Anchors & Building Your Support Team

12:40 – Anchor One: Nourishing Your Intuition (Your Sacred GPS)

14:50 – Coercive Control & Learning to Trust Yourself Again

15:40 – The Morning Body Scan: 15 Minutes That Reset Your Day

18:30 – How to Tell the Difference Between Fear and Intuition

21:30 – Anchor Two: Energetic Integrity & Energy Hygiene

23:30 – Inner Boundaries: What's Mine to Carry and What's Theirs?

25:30 – Choosing When to Read That Email From Your Ex

26:40 – The Power of Nature to Recalibrate Your Nervous System

28:50 – Gratitude: The Highest-Frequency Circuit Breaker

30:00 – The Gratitude Candle & the Kindness Squirrel

32:50 – Anchor Three: Sacred Self-Advocacy

34:50 – Speaking Your Truth Without the Fight Energy

36:40 – Why Energy Speaks First (Even in the Witness Box)

40:40 – Daily Practices: Dance, Laughter, Music & Breath

43:50 – The Cup of Gratitude Ritual

45:40 – The Roots Metaphor: The Deeper the Roots, the Taller We Grow

48:40 – The One Thing You Can Start Today

49:50 – Where to Find Sonia & Her Books

• 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)

• Lifeline — 13 11 14

• Police — 000 (immediate danger)

• The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

• The Divorce Course Empowerment Playlist — on Spotify

• Sonia Bestulic — books Flourish for Mums and Raising Empowered Humans: Unlocking Kids' Self-Leadership and Lifelong Flourishing (Amazon, global delivery). https://soniabestulic.com.au/

🎧 Listen if… - You've been told you "can't touch anything" until property settlement is finalised - You're scared opening your own account will start a fight - You're watching money vanish from the joint account and can't stop it - You're the lower earner, worried about being left with nothing while you wait - You're paying for everything and scared of being called financially abusive if you stop - You've got a kids' savings or education account and don't know where it fits

Disclaimer: General information and education only, not legal advice. Please consult a family lawyer about your situation. 🛟 Discusses financial abuse & coercive control.

Can you really not touch any money until property settlement? Mum and I unpack what you can and can't do with your bank accounts after separation: the difference between managing day-to-day finances and dividing property, what happens to accounts in your own name versus joint accounts, and how to handle it whether your ex is amicable, high conflict, or controlling. We cover opening a new account, freezing joint accounts, what to do if it's emptied, kids' accounts, child support myths, and the warning signs of financial abuse.

⏱️ CHAPTERS 00:00 – Banking Through Separation: The Questions Everyone's Afraid to Ask 02:00 – Education Only & Why Your Lawyer Comes First 03:00 – The Two Big Myths: "Freeze Everything" vs "Take Everything" 03:30 – Power Dynamics & Who Makes the Early Money Decisions 04:00 – Managing Day-to-Day Finances vs Dividing Property 05:30 – What Happens to Your Bank Accounts When You Separate 06:00 – "It's Yours": Accounts in Your Own Name 07:00 – Joint Accounts & Why You Can Take Your Share 09:30 – Amicable Divorce: Take It, Then Tell Them 11:00 – High Conflict: Don't Stay Beholden to Your Ex 12:30 – Manipulative & Controlling Exes & the Groceries Analogy 13:30 – Is Taking the Money Financial Abuse? Section 4AB Explained 14:00 – Spousal Maintenance & the Joint-Account "Time Bomb" 15:30 – Post-Separation Spending, Wastage & Gollings & Scott 17:30 – Opening Your Own Bank Account (Yes, You Can) 18:30 – Why You Should Choose a Completely Different Bank 20:30 – "Will My Ex Find Out?" Tech Abuse, Passwords & Disclosure 22:30 – Where Should Your Wages Go? 23:00 – Coming Up: A Coercive Control Q&A With Krazi Kirova 23:30 – When Your Ex Won't Move Out or Pay the Bills 24:30 – Reasonableness & How a Judge Will See It 26:00 – Giving Notice, Justifying It & Part N of the Financial Statement 27:00 – The Two People This Goes Badly For 28:30 – Talking to the Bank & Their Limits 29:00 – How to Freeze a Joint Account (Two to Sign) 31:00 – Stopping Large Withdrawals & ATM Limits 32:00 – When the Account Gets Emptied: Spousal Maintenance Options 33:00 – Urgent Spousal Maintenance Orders Explained 35:00 – Protect vs Punish: Two Money Mindsets in Divorce 36:00 – Homework: Talk to Your Bank Anonymously 37:30 – Splitting the Cash 50/50: Does It Lock In Your Settlement? 39:00 – How to Document It (A Text Message Is Enough) 40:30 – Kids' Bank Accounts: Who Controls Them? 41:30 – Splitting Kids' Accounts & Trustee Options 42:30 – Using the Kids' Money to Live On (If You Have To) 43:30 – Kids' Accounts Are Part of the Property Pool & Disclosure 44:00 – Child Support Myths: The "Every Dollar for the Kids" Trap 45:30 – The "Basket of Goods" Approach & Living to Your Means 47:30 – Warning Signs of Financial Abuse 49:30 – Real-Time Spend Alerts, Passwords & Your Safety 50:45 – Day-to-Day Finances vs Property Settlement: The Recap 51:30 – Get on the Mailing List So You're Not Blindsided 52:00 – Final Homework: Go Open That New Bank Account 53:30 – Crochet Corner & Sign Off 54:30 – Commonwealth Bank Next Chapter & Banking Support

🎧 EPISODES Technology Abuse / Tech Safety – passwords, devices & safety checklist: https://youtu.be/rc8b27R_k9k Balancing the Power Dynamic – when one party stalls while the other pushes for settlement: https://youtu.be/coWlWcIq180

1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000 Web: www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog Q&A questions: [email protected] CommBank Next Chapter – financial abuse support.

Helped you feel less stuck about your money? Follow, rate, review and share so others can find it too.

All our best, Laura & Lyn Your Guides By Your Side Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST

🎧 Listen If…

• Your child has said they don't want to go to the other parent's house

• Your ex keeps saying "once they turn [a certain age] they can choose"

• You're worried your child is being pressured, coached, or caught in the middle

• You're hearing two completely different stories from your kids at handover

• You're amicable and thinking of just "letting the kids decide" (please listen first)

• You want to understand how children's views actually reach the court

General information only not legal advice. Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your situation.🛟 Discusses family violence & coercive control. In danger: 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), Lifeline 13 11 14.

About This Episode

Mum and I unpack what the Family Law Act actually how children's views really reach a judge (family reports, child impact reports, ICLs), and how kids' wishes play out across the four divorce personality types.

⏱️ Timeline

00:00 Can a Child Choose Which Parent to Live With?

02:00 Why the Family Court Won't Ask Kids to Choose

06:27 The Best Interests of the Child Test (Section 60CC)

09:06 What Age Can a Child Decide Where to Live?

11:34 How a Child's Wishes Are Actually Heard in Family Law

13:25 Child-Inclusive Mediation Explained

15:22 Therapy, Family Reports & Expert Evidence

19:48 How to Get a Family Report Outside of Court

22:35 How Family Violence Changes Parenting Decisions

27:22 2024 Family Law Reforms & Common Custody Myths

28:29 Can You Force a Teenager to Follow Parenting Orders?

31:58 The Reality of Enforcing Orders With Teens

33:03 How to Future-Proof Your Parenting Orders

34:03 Why Older Teens Have More Say in Where They Live

34:35 The Manipulative & Controlling Ex: Hidden Motives

36:42 How to Spot Coercion & Coaching Tactics

39:04 Love Bombing, Bribery & When the Mask Slips

41:54 High-Conflict Exes: Kids Caught in the Middle

45:20 The Avoidant Parent & Parentification

49:02 Amicable Co-Parents: Why You Still Shouldn't Let Kids Decide

51:07 Key Takeaways: Voice Heard, Not Decision Made

54:43 Closing Notes & Legal Disclaimer

🎧 Episodes Mentioned

• Decoding the Child's Best Interests Referenced when discussing the full 60CC best-interests factors https://youtu.be/k4-QTbfW8XM?si=4ltIq0y0ceoMQWym

• Child-Inclusive Mediation Referenced when discussing how children's views are gathered out of court. https://youtu.be/HrEU6dFc0Ko?si=xvSAyfnMJ9oEfXnN

• Handover Hell – When Your Child Refuses to Go Referenced at the end for listeners dealing with handover-day resistance https://youtu.be/YphzOPZmC3k?si=Wf1RwzJMf-ix4N4K

Support & Resources

📞 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000

The Divorce Course → https://www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

If this helped, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others can find it too.

All our best, Laura & Lyn – Your Guides By Your Side

🎧 Listen if you're wondering when you can make an offer, you've received one that floored you, you feel pressured to "be the reasonable one," your ex is high-conflict or controlling, or you've been told you have to go to mediation first.

⚠️ General information only, not legal advice Australian family law. Always consult a family lawyer.

🛟 Discusses coercive control & legal/financial abuse. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732). ⏱️ Episode Timeline

00:00 – What Is an Offer in a Divorce?

01:50 – What an Offer Really Is (and What Counteroffers Are)

02:30 – Do You Need a Lawyer to Make an Offer?

03:30 – Why Emotional, People-Pleasing Offers Backfire

04:30 – What You Need Before You Make an Offer: Your Property Pool

05:00 – Future Needs, Super vs Cash

06:00 – Knowing What You're Giving Up With Eyes Wide Open

07:00 – Rushed & Blindsided Offers:

08:00 – Buying Time Before You Agree

09:00 – Can You Get Out of Something You Signed Under Pressure?

10:30 – When Can You Make an Offer? Anytime You're Informed

12:30 – The Best Time to Make Your First Offer & Saving Legal Fees

13:50 – The Mediation Myth: You Don't Have to Go

15:40 – Why People Only Get Realistic at Mediation

17:00 – Time-Limited Offers: Pressure, Deadlines & the Downside

20:00 – Standing Offers:

22:00 – Do Offers Work in Parenting

24:30 – Calderbank Offers & Section 114UB Explained

25:50 – Offer Strategy for an Avoidant Ex

28:30 – Offer Strategy for a High-Conflict "Yeah, But" Ex

31:20 – Offer Strategy for an Amicable Ex & Collaborative Law

36:20 – Can You Offer Directly to Your Ex While Lawyers Are Engaged?

37:00 – Making Offers to a Narcissistic or Controlling Ex

39:00 – Don't Feed the Reaction: Grey Rock & Shuttle Negotiation

41:50 – What to Do When You Get a Bad Offer

42:50 – Ambit Claims & the Central Practice Direction

44:00 – Ask for the Authorities: Turning a Bad Offer to Your Advantage

46:30 – The Consequences of Refusing a Reasonable Offer

48:50 – Genuine Steps, Compulsory Offers & Costs Protection

50:00 – Why Offers Stay Hidden From the Judge Until the End

Calderbank Offers & Costs — • Costs, Family Court and Calderbank Offers ...

Can You Really Mediate With a Narcissist? — • Mediation and negotiation tips for divorci...

— www.thedivorcecourse.com.au Enrol (DIY Divorce Blueprint, AU) — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/enrol

🎧 Listen to this episode if…

• You're wondering if you actually need a lawyer for your divorce at all

• You're worried that spending too much now means you can't afford court later

• You're scared that "lawyering up" will make your ex worse

• You think it's all-or-nothing and want to know the middle ground

• Your ex is high-conflict, avoidant, controlling, or amicable and you need a strategy that fits

⚠️ Legal Disclaimer This podcast is general information only it is not legal advice. It reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation. Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your circumstances. Laws may have changed since recording.

Most people think there are only two options when it comes to lawyers in a divorce hand everything over, or go it completely alone. But that's not the truth, and believing it can cost you thousands.

In this episode, Laura and Lyn break down the three ways you can actually use a lawyer.

Then they get into what nobody talks about how your divorce personality type should completely change how you use a lawyer. A manipulative and controlling ex who runs up your fees needs a very different strategy to an avoidant ex who panics at a law firm's letterhead

This isn't an episode telling you to avoid lawyers. It's about using them strategically for the parts where legal expertise genuinely matters, and not for the parts that just drain your property pool.

00:00 – Do You Need a Lawyer for Divorce? The Big Myth

01:40 – The All-or-Nothing Lawyer Myth & Talking About Costs

03:00 – Why Spending Too Much on Lawyers Early Can Backfire

04:00 – The 2 Critical Times You MUST See a Lawyer

05:00 – Why Seeing a Lawyer Early Bursts Unrealistic Expectations

06:20 – Before You Sign: Why a Lawyer's Eye Matters

08:20 – The 3 Ways to Use a Lawyer: The First-Class Ride

09:50 – The 3 Ways to Use a Lawyer: Step In, Step Out

11:20 – Divorce Personality Types: Manipulative & Controlling

12:50 – Using Your Lawyer Strategically Against Fee-Running Tactics

15:00 – Should You Take a Lawyer or Barrister to Mediation?

17:00 – Divorce Personality Types: High Conflict

19:00 – Divorce Personality Types: The Avoidant Ex

21:30 – Divorce Personality Types: The Amicable Ex

23:40 – Project-Managing Your Lawyer & the Addario & Addario Case

26:00 – Why Understanding the Process Stops Panic Spending

33:00 – The Middle Way + Legal Aid & Community Legal Services

34:00 – The DIY Divorce Blueprint & Sign-Off

🎧 Episodes

1. How Much Does Getting Divorced Actually Cost? — https://youtu.be/x-sgBNjlTHo?si=ubdIhcS1mjSrQqEk

2. Bombarded With Legal Letters — https://youtu.be/z11Id8YdQn4?si=ucYfGThRuRcFYoH6

3. Mediation or Manipulation? — https://youtu.be/cmcFWXD2EBs?si=BMV5KY4CquSx1_dN

4. Do You Need to Take a Lawyer to Mediation? — https://youtu.be/GB2lJftxdh4?si=vNwQueYHJhFrY3aP

5. Community Legal Services: How to Use Them — https://youtu.be/4sEUhu6r07Q?si=1oYsGQ3vF1Eb2Y4M

📚 Links & Resources

📞 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support) 📞 Lifeline — 13 11 14 🚓 Police — 000 (immediate danger) 🌐 The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au 🎓 The DIY Divorce Blueprint — enrolments open until 10 June 2026 (click "Enroll Now")

💌 If this episode helped you understand how to use a lawyer wisely – and where you can save thousands – please follow, rate, review, and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find it too.

🎧 Listen to This Episode If…

• You want a real, plain-English breakdown of divorce process fees

• You're terrified to leave because you've heard divorce costs hundreds of thousands of dollars

• Your ex is telling you "leave the lawyers out of it" and you're not sure if they're right

• You've already started racking up legal fees and you're wondering where it's all going

• You want to understand exactly what you can do yourself versus what you actually need a lawyer for

• You're heading into mediation and don't know if you need a barrister too

⚠️ Legal Disclaimer

This podcast is general information only – it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law. Always consult a qualified family lawyer. fees may have changed since this episode was recorded (figures quoted reflect May 2026 pricing).

This isn't an episode designed to scare you. Laura and Lyn walk you through where you have control, where you can save thousands by doing the work yourself,

00:00 – The Real Cost of Divorce: Why Some Pay $4K and Others $300K

02:36 – The Big Three Fears

04:14 – How Much Does a Divorce Application Actually Cost?

06:35 – Why Lawyers Charge for "Accepting Service"

08:01 – Negotiation Costs:

11:00 – Hourly Rates in 2026:

12:30 – The Cost of Phone Calls, Reviewing Offers & Meetings

14:30 – How Much to Draft Consent Orders

16:00 – Disclosure: The Biggest Budget Blowout in Divorce

19:00 – Paralegal Rates vs Lawyer Rates: Don't Overpay

20:30 – Drip-Feeding vs Dumping Disclosure

23:30 – Mediation Costs

24:50 – Do You Need a Barrister at Mediation?

27:00 – Half-Day vs Full-Day Mediation

29:30 – Hidden Costs

32:30 – The Court's Scale of Fees vs What Lawyers Actually Charge

33:30 – How Sending Late-Night Emails Costs You

34:30 – How People Waste Money

35:30 – Fighting Over Furniture, Revenge Litigation & Lawyer-as-Therapist

36:30 – Stubbornness, Unrealistic Expectations & Knowing When to Let Go

37:30 – Family Law Doesn't Deliver Justice or Retribution

39:00 – How Much to File Consent Orders ($205 Court Fee)

41:00 – How to Be Smart: When to Use a Lawyer and When Not To

41:30 – Saving Thousands on Disclosure by Doing It Yourself

43:00 – The One Meeting Strategy: Walk In Prepared, Walk Out Saving $10K

46:00 – Who Pays for Legal Fees? Section 114UB Explained

47:30 – Fee Exemptions, Cost Agreements & What to Expect

49:30 – Laura's Confession: The Bag of Receipts Story

🎧 Episodes Mentioned in This Episode

1. How to Choose a Mediator (Free vs Private Mediation) https://youtu.be/HKda6QswjAE?si=R27SD6WSDiLiI3VA

2. Do You Need a Lawyer for Mediation? https://youtu.be/GB2lJftxdh4?si=ur8ZMCkzPQ9dYFZN

3. Furniture in Divorce: How to Deal With It Without Blowing Your Budgethttps://youtu.be/oZ5h-gxckXU

4. Consent Orders Explained https://youtu.be/-DC72tq8FRM

🎟️ Free Webinar — Register at www.thedivorcecourse.com.au (click "Reserve My Seat")

• Family Law Act 1975 – Section 114UB (each party bears their own costs)

https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/legis/cth/consol_act/fla1975114/

• https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/costs

• https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/pubs/legal-costs

• The Divorce Course Disclosure Checklist —https://www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/disclosure_checklist_o

🎧 Listen to This Episode If…

• You've been told you have to go to mediation and you don't know where to start

• Your ex has already chosen a mediator and something feels off

• You can't afford the expensive mediator your ex is pushing for

• You're going through family violence and worried no mediator will take your matter

• You don't know the difference between free mediation and private mediation

• You want to know whether your mediator actually needs to be a lawyer

⚠️ Legal Disclaimer

This podcast is general information only it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your specific situation or jurisdiction. Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your individual circumstances. Laws may have changed since this episode was recorded.

🛟 Family Violence Trigger Warning

This episode discusses family violence and the challenges of mediating where there is a history of abuse, coercion, or control. If you or someone you know is in danger, call 000. For confidential support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

Episode Summary

You don't have to accept whichever mediator gets put in front of you. In this episode, Laura and Mum (family law accredited specialist Lynette Galvin) unpack one of the most under-discussed parts of separation how to actually choose a good mediator, and how to push back when the one your ex is suggesting doesn't feel right.

They cover the difference between free mediation (Relationships Australia, Interrelate, CentreCare) and private mediation, when you need an FDRP (Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner) versus when you don't, and whether your mediator really needs to be a lawyer or a former judge. Mum shares the exact wording she uses in letters when the other side proposes a biased or unaffordable mediator including the "panel of three" approach that keeps the process fair.

There's also an honest conversation about the gap in the system for people experiencing family violence, where mediators often refuse to take the matter on leaving survivors stuck heading to court when mediation could have solved the issue. Laura and Mum talk about what to look for in a mediator brave enough to handle high-conflict matters, and the practical safety steps (separate rooms, video links, safe exits) you can ask about.

And there's the reminder you might need most: you hold the cards. You don't have to agree to anything in mediation just because you've been pushed to. You can pause, walk away, and come back when you're ready.

⏱️ Episode Timeline

00:00 – How to Choose a Mediator: Why It Matters More Than You Think

01:00 – Legal Disclaimer & Why Mum Is a Qualified Mediator

01:40 – Can the Mediator Make or Break Your Mediation?

02:30 – How Lawyers Choose Mediators (And Their "Bottom of the Barrel" List)

03:40 – Can You Speak to a Mediator Before Choosing? Why Mum Says No

04:20 – How to Use Google Reviews to Vet a Mediator

05:30 – What Qualifications a Mediator Should Have (FDRP Explained)

07:00 – Does Your Mediator Need to Be a Lawyer? Property vs Children

08:30 – Why Social Workers Often Make the Best Children's Mediators

09:30 – Mediation and Family Violence: The Gap in the System

12:20 – Can You Change Mediators Halfway Through? The Honest Answer

13:50 – Red Flags: Biased, Agenda-Driven and "In Cahoots" Mediators

16:00 – When the Mediator's Office Is Next Door to Your Ex's Lawyer

17:00 – How to Push Back Without Slandering the Mediator

18:30 – What to Do If Your Ex Picks an Expensive Mediator You Can't Afford

19:30 – Free Mediation Options: Relationships Australia, Interrelate, CentreCare

20:20 – How Much Does a Private Mediator Cost? ($5K–$6K Reality Check)

21:30 – Why Free Services Have Long Wait Lists (And When to Go Private)

22:30 – The "Panel of Three" Letter Strategy You Can Use Today

24:00 – Should You Pay More If Your Case Is Serious?

24:50 – Free Mediation Pros and Cons (And Why Parenting Plans Aren't Enforceable)

27:40 – Private Mediators: Former Judges, Barristers and the "Iron Fist in Velvet Glove"

29:30 – Facilitative vs Evaluative vs Pure Mediation Styles Explained

31:30 – Can You Ask the Mediator If You're Getting a Good Deal? No.

32:30 – Pressure to Sign on the Day: How to Push Back

33:40 – Mediation Is Like a Boat in the Ocean — Pick Wisely

35:30 – How to Write the "Panel of Three" Letter to Your Ex

36:30 – Best Mediator Style by Ex Personality Type

38:30 – If You're Amicable, You Might Not Need Mediation At All

39:30 – You Hold the Cards: Don't Be Bullied Into an Agreement

🎧 Episodes Mentioned in This Episode

What Actually Happens Inside a Mediation - https://open.spotify.com/episode/2BvkcVNcHNrdWmXALC6bsA?si=31f56fce3c8d48a6

What a divorce mediator wish you knew - https://open.spotify.com/episode/4zeUIkV3O5LTQAHi0dXOGL?si=644698cb744647a8

📚 Links & Resources

📞 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)

📞 Lifeline — 13 11 14

🚓 Police — 000 (immediate danger)

🌐 The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

🎓 The Divorce Course Podcast — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

Find an Accredited FDRP (Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner):

Attorney-General's Department — https://www.ag.gov.au/families-and-marriage/family-dispute-resolution

Free / Low-Cost Mediation Services:

• Relationships Australia — https://www.relationships.org.au

• Interrelate — https://www.interrelate.org.au

• CentreCare — https://centacare.com

Find a Family Law Accredited Specialist or Mediator:

• Queensland Law Society — https://www.qls.com.au

• Bar Association of Queensland — https://www.qldbar.asn.au

• (Or your state's equivalent Law Society / Bar Association)

The Divorce Course Free Webinar:

www.thedivorcecourse.com.au — click "Reserve My Seat"

Closing CTA

If this episode helped you understand how to choose a mediator who'll actually work for you, please follow, rate, review, and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others heading into mediation can find this information too.

All our best,

Laura & Lyn

Your Guides By Your Side

Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST

🎧 Listen to this episode if…

• You've been told "add-backs are dead" by your lawyer or your ex
• Your ex is wasting the property pool and you don't know how to stop it
• You've watched assets disappear since separation bank accounts, cars, super
• You're heading into mediation and need to know what to argue
• You want to understand what the Shinohara & Shinohara Case and Shamon & Sharon Case actually mean for your case
• You're worried about delay tactics while your ex quietly drains the joint money

⚠️ Legal Disclaimer

This podcast is general information only – it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your specific situation or jurisdiction. Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your individual circumstances. Laws may have changed since this episode was recorded.

Episode Summary

You may have heard the rumour – "add-backs are dead." Lawyers are quoting it, ex-partners are using it as an excuse, and people are panicking that there's nothing they can do when the property pool is being drained. In this episode, Laura and Mum unpack what add-backs actually are, why people think they've disappeared, and what the courts are really doing about wastage now.

The short answer? Add-backs aren't on the balance sheet anymore but wastage is absolutely still considered. Thanks to Shinohara & Shinohara [2025], the courts have stopped putting "imaginary money" into the property pool. But thanks to Section 79(5)(d) of the Family Law Act and the case of Shamon & Shamon [2025], wastage now adjusts the percentage split of what's left – and in Shamon, that meant the wife walked away with nearly 100% of the property pool plus costs.

Mum walks through what counts as wastage (selling assets cheap, gambling, blowing money post-separation, gifting funds to a new partner), what doesn't (post-separation income spent on living, ordinary marital spending), and how to protect the property pool before your ex empties it. She also explains exactly what to consider saying if a lawyer or mediator quotes Shinohara at you including the section number, the case names, and the strategy that works.

If you suspect your ex is wasting money or stalling property settlement, this is the episode to listen to before you do anything else.

⏱️ Episode Timeline

00:00 – Are Add-Backs Dead? The Property Pool Myth Going Around

01:00 – Legal Disclaimer & Australian Family Law Context

01:30 – What Is an Add-Back in Property Settlement?

03:15 – The Townsend Case: How Add-Backs Used to Work

04:25 – Property Pool vs Balance Sheet: What's the Difference?

05:25 – The 4 Steps of Property Settlement Explained

05:50 – Why People Think Add-Backs Are Dead: Shinohara Explained

07:15 – "Don't Put Pretend Money on the Balance Sheet"

07:55 – The Real Risk: Ex Spending Everything Before Settlement

08:45 – How Wastage Is Handled Now: Section 79(5)(d)

10:00 – Percentage Adjustments Instead of Balance Sheet Add-Backs

11:30 – The Shamon Case: Wife Got Nearly 100% Plus Costs

13:50 – What to Do If Your Ex Has Already Drained the Pool

14:30 – How to Protect the Property Pool: Caveats Explained

17:00 – Protecting Joint Bank Accounts and Cash

17:50 – Superannuation, Cars and Other Assets

19:50 – Arguing Wastage in Mediation (Not Court)

21:00 – How to Respectfully Tell Your Lawyer They're Wrong

24:30 – Free Webinar Reminder

24:40 – What to Write to Your Ex Before Settlement

26:25 – What Counts as Wastage: Kowaliw, Gambling & More

27:30 – Is Drinking and Drug Use Considered Wastage?

28:15 – Gifts to a New Partner: The Gollings & Scott Case

29:30 – Reckless Spending vs Ordinary Spending

30:15 – Bad Business Decisions Post-Separation

31:10 – So Are Add-Backs Dead? The Final Answer

32:30 – What Evidence You Need to Prove Wastage

33:50 – The Mechanism Has Changed, the Outcome Hasn't

34:25 – Your Toolkit: Section 79(5)(d) of the Family Law Act, Shamon, Townsend, Weir

35:30 – Why Acting Fast Matters in Financial Abuse

36:55 – Reviewer of the Month: Manal from Australia

38:30 – Final Thoughts: Wastage Rules

🎧 Episodes Mentioned in This Episode

1. Equalisation of Super: The Myth That Won't Die

https://youtu.be/YFkOnEsNybw?si=LAQd2SUq_YRVl9Ts

3. The Gilded Cage: Delay Tactics in Property Settlement

https://youtu.be/cs6-jHDt-Qk?si=ufuSLLwVmasbQKsL

4. Financial Abuse and Hidden Assets

https://youtu.be/D3-fV8C4gkM?si=JQMk6eqMXWUktsUf

📚 Links & Resources

📞 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 support)

📞 Lifeline — 13 11 14

🚓 Police — 000 (immediate danger)

🌐 The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

🎓 The Divorce Course Podcast — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

🎟️ Free Webinar — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au (click "Reserve My Seat")

Cases Mentioned

• Shinohara & Shinohara [2025] — the case people are misreading https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/cases/cth/FedCFamC1A/2025/126.html
• Shamon & Shamon [2025] — https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/cases/cth/FedCFamC1A/2025/150.html
• Townsend & Townsend — the original add-back case (the taxi)
• Weir & Weir — the quarry / missing gravel case
• Kowaliw & Kowaliw [1981] — the trashed family home case
• Gollings & Scott — the engagement ring / post-separation income case

Legislation

• Family Law Act 1975 — Section 79(4), Section 79(5)(d) — https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/legis/cth/consol_act/fla1975114/s79.html
• Family Law Act 1975 — Section 90SM (de facto equivalent)

If this episode helped you understand wastage and feel ready to push back when someone says "add-backs are dead," please follow, rate, review, and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

All our best,

Laura & Lyn

Your Guides By Your Side

Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST

🎧 Listen to this episode if:

• You want to understand if domestic violence can affect your property or parenting outcome

• You've been told by a lawyer to "leave the family violence out" of your case

• You're scared raising coercive control or domestic violence will backfire on you in mediation

• You're confused by social media saying the courts ignore family violence

• Your ex is still using coercive behaviour even after separation

• You're heading into mediation or court and don't know how to bring it up

⚠️ Legal Disclaimer & Family Violence Trigger Warning

This episode contains discussion of family violence, coercive control, post-separation abuse, and the impact of these behaviours on children, which may be distressing for some listeners.

If you are unsafe or experiencing family violence, please reach out for support.

Support is available in Australia: 📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14 🚨 In an emergency, call 000

This podcast provides general educational information about Australian family law only and is not legal advice. Laura is not a lawyer. Every situation is different, and you should seek independent professional guidance tailored to your circumstances.

Episode Summary

Should you bring up coercive control and domestic violence in your family law case… or will it backfire?

If you've been online lately, you've probably seen wildly different opinions. Some people insist the courts ignore family violence completely. Others say the system is finally taking it seriously. And then there are the lawyers quietly telling clients to "just leave it out so we can settle." So who's right?

In this episode, Mum and I unpack how coercive control and domestic violence are actually treated in Australian family law right now and the recent appeal cases that show the courts are starting to listen. We walk through real 2023 and 2024 decisions including Burnell & Rockford, Lainhart & Elinson, Dejani & Dejani, and Sad & Raymond cases your lawyer may not have caught up with yet.

We talk about Section 4AB, Section 75, and Section 79 of the Family Law Act, why mediators sometimes forget you're still being coercively controlled while sitting across from your ex, and the very real "peace at any price" trap that costs people thousands in their settlement.

If you've been silenced, dismissed, or told it's not worth raising this episode is for you.

⏱️ Episode Timeline

00:00 – Coercive Control & Domestic Violence in Family Court: Should You Raise It?

01:00 – Meet Laura & Lynette: Family Law Mum & Daughter Duo

02:00 – Trigger Warning & Legal Disclaimer (Australia & Overseas)

03:00 – Why Social Media Gets Coercive Control So Wrong

04:00 – Why Lawyers Tell Clients to Leave It Out (And Why It's Wrong)

05:00 – Judge Best's Powerful Speech: "Soften Your Gaze"

06:00 – Why Both Parents Having Issues Doesn't Mean Equal Blame

07:00 – Section 4AB: The Family Violence Definition That Changed Everything

09:00 – Why Courts Now MUST Consider Family Violence Allegations

10:00 – The Old Kennon Case vs The New Law: What Changed

11:00 – Choosing the Right Lawyer When Domestic Violence Is Involved

12:00 – "Don't Raise It Or You Won't Settle" — The Lawyer Myth

13:00 – When NOT to Mention Family Violence in Property Mediation

14:00 – The Smarter Way to Negotiate Coercive Control in Mediation

16:00 – Parenting Cases: Why You MUST Raise Family Violence

17:00 – Lainhart & Elinson 2023: The Appeal Case Every Mum Should Know

18:00 – Section 60CC: Safety of Children Now Comes First

19:00 – Why Parents Don't Tell Lawyers the Full Truth (And Why You Must)

20:00 – Coercive Control in Parenting Cases Explained

21:00 – Counselling Orders: When the Court Mistakes Lip Service for Change

23:00 – False Alienation Claims: The New Coercive Control Tactic

24:00 – 50/50 Is No Longer the Default — Here's What Replaced It

26:00 – Free Divorce Webinar With Lynette (Family Law Specialist)

27:00 – Property Settlement: How Domestic Violence Affects Your Percentage

28:00 – Kennon & Kennon: The Original Family Violence Property Case

30:00 – Dejani & Dejani: When a Child's Health Issue Was Hidden

32:00 – Burnell & Rockford 2024: Coercive Control in Property Settlement

34:00 – Financial Abuse and PIN Numbers: What the Court Decided

35:00 – Why You Need These Cases at Your Mediation

37:00 – How Lawyers Use Cases as Negotiation Leverage

38:00 – Section 79 & Notice of Risk: The Mediation Framework

40:00 – Adding Percentage in Mediation Without Saying Why

41:00 – Why You Must Disclose Family Violence in Parenting Negotiations

43:00 – Settlement vs Court: The 10 Questions You Should Ask Yourself

44:00 – Why Mediators Forget You're Still Being Controlled

45:00 – How to Prove Coercive Control: Affidavits That Stand Up

47:00 – The Biggest Mistake: Peace at Any Price Mentality

48:00 – Why Post-Separation Abuse Often Gets Worse

49:00 – Don't Compromise on Children — Stand Your Ground

50:00 – Final Thoughts: It's Their Shame, Not Yours

🎧 Episodes Mentioned in This Episode 1. How to Put Coercive Control Into Writing for Court

https://youtu.be/SIyXCGXH5nw?si=-7tLxmBpVQb2dNOv

2. Is It Family Violence? A Walk Through the Family Law Act

https://youtu.be/YCddFx9cs_Y?si=DbJU6ePYSxDZFrEn

3. Settling vs Going to Court: 10 Questions to Ask Yourself

https://youtu.be/gYpW3znoY28?si=pdg6wWbjMWttMH94

📚 Cases Mentioned (Take These to Your Lawyer)

• Burnell & Rockford (2024) — Coercive control and financial abuse in property settlement https://austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/cases/cth/FedCFamC2F/2024/468.html

• Lainhart & Elinson (2023) — Full Court appeal, Deputy Chief Justice McClelland — family violence in parenting https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/cases/cth/FedCFamC1A/2023/200.html

• Dajani & Dajani [2025] FedCFamC1A 28 (26 February 2025) — Hidden health issues in children and the impact on contributions https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/cases/cth/FedCFamC1A/2025/28.html

• Sayed & Rehmann [2025] FedCFamC1A 145 (21 August 2025) — Family violence and property contributions https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/cases/cth/FedCFamC1A/2025/145.html

• Kennon & Kennon — The original family violence and property settlement case (Section 75)

📰 Resources Mentioned

Article: "Judge urges profession to soften your gaze when dealing with domestic and family violence" — QLS Proctor, 27 March 2024 (Federal Circuit & Family Court Judge Hannah Cara Best) https://www.qlsproctor.com.au/2026/03/judge-urges-profession-to-soften-your-gaze-when-dealing-with-dfv/

Family Law Act 1975 — Sections 4AB, 60CC, 75, 79 https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/legis/cth/consol_act/fla1975114/s4ab.html

🆘 Links & Resources

• 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7 family violence support)

• Lifeline – 13 11 14

• Emergency – 000

• The Divorce Course – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

• Free Webinar with Lynette (family law accredited specialist) — register at thedivorcecourse.com.au

If this episode helped you feel braver about raising coercive control and domestic violence in your family law matter, please follow, rate, review, and share the podcast it helps other people in coercively controlling situations find this information too. You are not alone, and you don't have to stay silent.