🎧 Listen to this episode if…

• You've been told to "just get the house valued" but nobody's explained who, how, or what it costs
• Your ex reckons the house is worth a completely different number
• Your ex won't let a valuer through the door – or is stalling on purpose
• You separated years ago and don't know which date the house gets valued at
• You're heading into mediation and need a number that holds up

⚠️ Disclaimer: General information only, not legal advice. Based on Australian family law. Always get independent legal advice for your circumstances. 🛟 This episode discusses manipulative and controlling behaviour. If you're in danger call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

About this episode: You can't divide the property until you know what it's worth. Mum and I unpack appraisals vs valuations, the panel-of-three process for choosing a single expert valuer, the joint letter, the seven-day rule that stops a stalling ex, the dirty tricks people pull, and the date trap – your house is valued at mediation or trial, not the day you separated. Plus strategies for every personality type, from amicable to manipulative and controlling.

⏱️ Timeline 00:00 – What Is Your House Really Worth in Divorce? 01:00 – Why a Valuation Is the Foundation of Property Settlement 02:00 – Legal Disclaimer 03:00 – Why Property Division Is a Mathematical Exercise 04:00 – Rates Notices and Numbers That Don't Count 05:00 – The "Willing But Not Anxious" Test 06:00 – Appraisal vs Valuation: Why Court Wants One Number 07:00 – The Divide-By-Four Trick for Appraisals 08:00 – Selling, Keeping or Being Bought Out 09:00 – Consent Orders With a Formula 10:00 – Keeping the House: Agreed Number or Single Expert 11:00 – Dirty Tricks: Half-Finished Renovations 13:00 – Avoidant Exes Living in the House 14:00 – The Valuer vs Agent Tactic 16:00 – The Panel of Three: Choosing a Valuer Fairly 17:00 – The Joint Letter to the Valuer 18:00 – The Seven-Day Rule That Stops a Stalling Ex 19:00 – Single Expert Valuers: What You're Signing Up For 20:00 – Retrospective Valuations 21:00 – What a Valuation Costs and Who Pays 23:00 – Getting Your Ex to Pay 24:00 – What Happens on Valuation Day 25:00 – Falling House Prices and Timing 26:00 – Do You Need to Be There? 27:00 – Do It Before Mediation 28:00 – What If You Disagree With the Valuation? 29:00 – Shadow Valuers and Cross-Examination 30:00 – When the Valuation Comes in Below the Mortgage 32:00 – The Date Trap: Value at Mediation, Not Separation 33:00 – Building a Wastage Argument 34:00 – Falling Markets and Updated Valuations 36:00 – Why Court Won't Punish Market Timing 37:00 – Court-Ordered Sales and Auctions 39:00 – Rapid Fire: Mortgages, Equity, Selling Costs 41:00 – Valuing the House Without Your Ex's Permission 42:00 – Amicable and Avoidant Exes 44:00 – High Conflict: Single Expert Takes the Fight Out 45:00 – Manipulative Exes on Inspection Day 47:00 – Delay Tactics and Final Thoughts

🎧 Episodes mentioned: Renovations and Divorce:

📞 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 | Lifeline — 13 11 14 | Police — 000 🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au – free resources + DIY Divorce Blueprint waitlist ⚖️ Case: Woodland & Todd

🎧 Listen to this if…

• Your ex keeps saying supervised visits are "going well" so it's time for unsupervised

• You got a lawyer letter that says "this won't look good for you in court"

• You're being pressured into an agreement your instincts say isn't safe

• You've been told "you'll be accused of alienation"

• Your ex has done a online course and now claims they've changed

• You want to know what the courts are saying about supervised time and safety

⚠️ Legal Disclaimer & Trigger Warning

This is general information only it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your specific situation. Always consult a lawyer about your circumstances. Laws may have changed since this episode was recorded. This episode discusses family violence, coercive control and child safety. If you are in danger, call 000. For support: (1800 737 732).

⏱️ Timeline

00:00 – The Creep Strategy

02:30 – Separated Under One Roof

04:00 – What Supervised Visits and Contact Centres Are

06:00 – The Creep in Action:

09:30 – Pressure Tactics: Alienation Accusations & Court Threats

11:45 – Pressure From Your Own Lawyer

12:30 – Step-Up Orders

15:15 – Does Refusing Unsupervised Time Look Bad in Court?

17:00 – The 50/50 Myth Busted

19:15 – The Trap: Agreeing to Unsupervised Time

22:45 – An Ex Who Refuses Supervised Time

25:15 – Dorval & Augustin [2025]:

27:30 – Drew & Mason [2025]:

29:20 – Bergsberg & Hyde [2026]:

36:15 – When Step-Up Orders Are Appropriate

37:30 – Condition-Based Orders, Drug Testing

39:50 –You're Protecting Your Kids, Not Punishing Your Ex

41:00 – The Mediation Phrase

42:30 – How to Answer Pressure Letters

🎧 Episodes

1. Episode 141 – Decoding Divorce Word Salad Legal Letters:

2. Episode 309 – Refusing 50/50 Care?

3. Episode 73 – Drug & Alcohol Abuse:

4. Episode 183 – Parental Alienation False Allegations: 📞 Lifeline — 13 11 14🌐 The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au🎓 The Divorce Course Podcast —www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog for links to cases

🎧 Listen to this episode if…

- Your divorce negotiations have stalled and every message gets "no" or no reply at all - Your ex keeps delaying and you can't work out why - You're stuck arguing over percentages and getting nowhere - Your ex is "sitting pretty" with no reason to settle - You're wondering whether it's time to send that final warning letter

⚠️ Legal Disclaimer This podcast is general information only it is not legal advice. Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your individual circumstances.

🛟 Family Violence Trigger Warning This episode touches on coercive control and controlling ex-partners. If you're in danger, call 000. Confidential support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) or Lifeline (13 11 14).

Have your negotiations stalled? In this episode, Mum and I go through 10 practical ways to move the needle when your divorce feels completely stuck in three phases. First, the soften-and-unstick approach: diagnosing why your ex is stalling, repackaging your offer, getting off percentages, and showing them how the settlement will actually happen. Then smart pressure: keeping a live offer on the table, treating terrible offers as data, letting the law do the arguing, and making the maths impossible to ignore. And if none of that works, we show you how to make staying stuck expensive from spousal maintenance to the notice of intention to file, the warning letter Mum describes as "an unblocked drain" for stalled negotiations. No one stays stuck forever and we're here with you every step of the way.

⏱️ Episode Timeline 00:00 – Divorce Negotiations Stuck? 10 Tips to Move the Needle 01:00 – Three Phases: Soften, Smart Pressure, Make Stalling Expensive 02:00 – Why Divorce Negotiations Stall in Almost Every Case 03:00 – The Four Divorce Personality Types That Get Stuck 05:00 – Tip 1: Diagnose Why the Stall Is Happening 06:00 – Tip 2: Change the Packaging, Not the Offer 08:00 – Tip 3: Get Off the Percentages 10:00 – Why 50/50 Means Nothing Without Agreed Values 12:00 – Tip 4: Show the How, Not Just the Outcome 15:00 – Tip 5: Keep a Live Offer on the Table at All Times 17:00 – Making Offers When Disclosure Is Missing 20:00 – Tip 6: Treat Terrible Offers as Data and Bank Every Concession 23:00 – Tip 7: Let the Law Do the Arguing 25:00 – Finding Family Law Cases on AustLII and the Court Website 26:00 – Tip 8: Make the Maths Impossible to Ignore 29:00 – The 2% Spiral: When Arguing Costs More Than It's Worth 31:00 – Tip 9: Remove the Comfort Funding the Stall 33:00 – Spousal Maintenance: Not Sitting Pretty Anymore 35:00 – Tip 10: The Notice of Intention to File 38:00 – What Happens After You Send the Warning Letter 40:00 – Recap: All 10 Tips to Unstick Your Divorce 43:00 – Mindset: No One Stays Stuck Forever 48:00 – DIY Divorce Blueprint: Doors Closing

🎧 Episodes Mentioned Take the Divorce Personality Quiz (Ep 302) → https://podcasts.apple.com/ph/podcast/take-the-divorce-personality-quiz-learn-why-your/id1503451022?i=1000748290587 Percentages in Divorce Property Settlements Explained (Ep 214) → https://podcasts.apple.com/ph/podcast/percentages-in-divorce-property-settlements-explained/id1503451022?i=1000729446519 Costs, Family Court and Calderbank Offers (Ep 64) → https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/costs-family-court-and-calderbank-offers/id1503451022?i=1000575595095 Divorce Dynamic: Balancing Power & Progress (Ep 165) → https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/divorce-dynamic-balancing-power-progress/id1503451022?i=1000666075743

🔗 Links & Resources 📞 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support) 📞 Lifeline — 13 11 14 🚓 Police — 000 (immediate danger) 🌐 The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au 🎓 Podcast blog & notes — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog 🎓 Enrol in the DIY Divorce Blueprint — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/enroll

If this episode helped you find a way to get your stuck divorce moving again, please follow, rate, review, and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

All our best, Laura & Lyn Your Guides By Your Side Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST

🎧 Listen if you…

• Are exhausted from justifying your divorce to everyone around you

• Have family pressuring you to "keep it amicable" or reconcile

• Suspect your ex has recruited your friends, in-laws or family

• Aren't sure your lawyer is actually in your corner

This is general information only, not legal advice always consult a lawyer about your circumstances. This episode discusses family violence and coercive control. In danger? Call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

You can do everything right in your divorce and still be exhausted because of the people standing around you

00:00 – Divorce Support Team: Why the People Around You Matter

02:30 – Why You Never Plan Your Team (But Should)

03:30 – Lyn's Divorce 40 Years Ago: Judgement in a Country Town

04:30 – Your Ex Is Not on Your Support Team

06:00 – Family Members: Who Helps and Who Hurts

08:00 – "Keep It Amicable" Is Code for "Just Give In"

09:30 – When Family Cares More About How It Looks

10:30 – Family Violence: When Family Pressure Becomes Unsafe

11:00 – It's Not Your Job to Explain Coercive Control to Everyone

12:00 – The One Loyal Family Member Who Saw Behind the Mask

13:00 – What to Say to Pressuring Family Members

14:30 – In-Laws: Pausing Even the Good Relationships

17:00 – Enabler In-Laws and When to Distance Fast

19:00 – Family Violence Orders: When Family Contact Breaks the Rules

20:30 – Friends: Who Rolls Up Their Sleeves vs Who Stays "Neutral"

23:00 – Judgy Friends and the Gossip Collectors

25:00 – Screenshots to Your Ex: The Social Media Trap

26:30 – Don't Forget the Fun Friends: Finding Glimmers of Joy

28:30 – Online Support Groups: The Risks Nobody Talks About

30:00 – Commenting Publicly About Your Case: Court Consequences

32:00 – The Tom Holland Rule for Handling Criticism

32:45 – Choosing a Lawyer: What the Right One Looks Like

36:00 – Lawyer Red Flags: Gatekeeping Your Story (Episode 166)

37:00 – Brave Lawyers vs Lawyers Afraid of Court

38:30 – The Three As: Affability, Availability, Ability

39:30 – Why You Need Your Own Psychologist

41:00 – Emotion-Driven Strategy: The Most Expensive Mistake

42:30 – Kids and School: One Contact Person + the Counsellor

45:30 – Church and Faith Communities: Support or Pressure?

49:00 – Your Kids Can't Be on Your Team

50:00 – Bad Podcasts, Reddit and Wrong Information

53:00 – Rapid Fire: Neutral Besties, Slow Lawyers & Nosy Sisters

56:30 – High-Conflict Ex: What Your Team Needs to Be

58:30 – Avoidant Ex: The Friends Who Do the Hard Yakka

59:30 – Manipulative & Controlling Ex: Vetting for Flying Monkeys

1:00:30 – Amicable Split: Why You Still Need a Team

1:01:45 – "It's My Decision": Mum's Cushion Wisdom

🔗 Resources

10 Essential Boundaries for a Healthier Divorce (Ep 173)

When In-Laws Interfere in Your Divorce (Ep 305)

Legal Gatekeeping: Is Your Lawyer Telling Your Full Story? (Ep 166)

1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 | Lifeline – 13 11 14 | Police – 000

The Divorce Course – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

If this episode helped you work out who belongs in your corner, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast.

🎧 LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE IF…

• You and your ex wrote something down, signed it, and you think it is sorted

• You spent a full day in mediation and signed a heads of agreement

• You have a parenting plan sitting in a drawer and you are relying on it

• You are about to sign something and you are not sure what it actually means

• Your ex agreed to something and has now changed their mind

• You want to know how to lock an agreement in so it cannot be undone

⚠️ General information only, not legal advice. Australian family law, and laws may have changed since recording. Always get your own independent legal advice.

🛟 This episode discusses coercive control, post-separation abuse and signing under duress. In danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732.

⏱️ EPISODE TIMELINE

00:00 – Is Your Divorce Agreement Actually Legally Binding?

01:00 – Welcome, Legal Disclaimer & Family Violence Warning

02:00 – The Four Ways People Reach an Agreement in Divorce

03:00 – Kitchen Table Agreements: Why They Are Not Enforceable

04:00 – Your Property Pool Is Valued Later, Not at Separation

05:00 – The Lotto Case: Post-Separation Money Is Still Shared

06:30 – You Cannot Split Superannuation Without Court Orders

08:20 – Stamp Duty, Refinancing & the Exemption You Lose

11:00 – No Clean Break: They Can Always Come Back for More

12:00 – Time Limits Keep Running While You Wait

13:40 – What a Kitchen Table Agreement Is Actually Good For

15:00 – Recap: The Six Risks of a Private Divorce Agreement

16:10 – Mediation: Is a Signed Heads of Agreement Binding?

18:40 – Settler's Remorse: Why One in Five Deals Fall Over

20:00 – When Your Ex Uses Mediation to Waste Your Time

21:00 – Why Mediation Feels Official When It Is Not

23:00 – How to Prepare Before You Walk Into Mediation

24:00 – Parenting Plans: Are They Legally Enforceable?

25:00 – What a Judge Actually Does With Your Parenting Plan

26:30 – Parenting Plan or Consent Orders: How to Choose

29:00 – Coerced Into 50/50? Stepped Parenting Plans Explained

31:00 – Pressured to Sign a Plan Before They Move Out

33:30 – Consent Orders: The One Agreement That Is Enforceable

35:20 – Contravention: What Happens If They Breach the Orders

36:40 – The Disclosure Catch That Can Undo Your Consent Orders

38:00 – Why Parenting and Property Orders Stay Separate

39:20 – Rapid Fire: Fraud, Duress & Recorded Conversations

40:40 – Which Agreement Suits Your Divorce Personality Type?

42:40 – Baby Steps: Final Thoughts & Next Steps

🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED

Consent Orders or BFAs: Which Would You Choose? – https://share.google/BNQYdg1fGEoB1cD3l

📚 MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Farmer & Bramley – the lottery win after separation case

Woodland & Todd – the property pool is assessed at the date of hearing

Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) s 90 – stamp duty exemption on transfers made under a court order

🔗 LINKS & RESOURCES

📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)

📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14

🚓 Police – 000 (immediate danger)

🌐 The Divorce Course – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

🎓 Blog & Podcast – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

If this episode helped you understand what makes an agreement binding, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

You left. So why doesn't it feel over yet?

🎧 Listen to this episode if…

• You've left, but the healing and closure you expected haven't arrived yet

• You can't tell which parts of your anxiety are trauma and which parts are just you

• Your body still reacts even though it's been months or years

• You're frightened of repeating the pattern with someone new

• You're still second-guessing your own judgment and decisions

• You want to know where to turn for support and what actually helps

Part six, the final episode of our coercive control series, is all about you. Clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova joins Mum and me on the trauma that stays in your body, the window of tolerance and how to widen it, the shark cage, why coercive control has been called a cult of one, and how long recovery really takes.

Guest: Krasi Kirova, Clinical Psychologist.

⏱️ Episode Timeline

00:00 – Healing After Coercive Control: Getting Yourself Back

02:00 – Disclaimer and Family Violence Trigger Warning

03:00 – "Which Parts Are Trauma and Which Parts Are Me?"

05:00 – What Trauma Really Is: What Happens Inside You

06:00 – Complex Trauma vs One-Off Trauma Explained

08:00 – "My Body Is Still in the Trenches" a Year On

09:00 – The Window of Tolerance and Why Yours Narrowed

11:00 – Calming Your Nervous System in the Moment

12:00 – Widening the Window: Rest, Sleep and Movement

17:00 – Sensory Tools vs Daily Practices: What Helps Most

19:00 – Co-Regulation: Why You Heal Around Safe People

22:00 – "How Do I Trust My Own Judgment Again?"

24:00 – Trust Is Built in Small Increments, Not All at Once

26:00 – How Capable People End Up There More Than Once

28:00 – The Shark Cage: Building Your Own Protection

30:00 – Red Flags and Writing Your Own No-Go List

33:00 – Testing a New Partner and Knowing Your Alarm Bells

37:00 – Krasi's Research Call-Out: Share Your Experience

39:00 – "Will I Ever Understand Why He Did This?"

42:00 – Still Living by Their Rules: Coercive Control as a Cult of One

44:00 – Rebuilding Autonomy and Learning to Tolerate Guilt

48:00 – Untangling Self-Blame and "The Part I Played"

52:00 – How Long Does Recovery Actually Take?

54:00 – Post-Traumatic Growth and What Becomes Possible

59:00 – Where to Turn: Services That Can Actually Help

01:03:00 – Closing the Series and the Cushions

🎧 Episodes Mentioned

Ep 323 – Coercive Control vs a Bad Relationship https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/coercive-control-vs-a-bad-relationship-how-to-tell/id1503451022?i=1000774925805

Ep 324 – Coercive Control Separated Under One Roof https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/coercive-control-while-separated-under-one-roof-how/id1503451022?i=1000775886114

Ep 325 – Financial Abuse and Coercive Control https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/financial-abuse-and-coercive-control-when-money/id1503451022?i=1000776879697

Ep 326 – Coercive Control and Your Kids https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/coercive-control-and-your-kids-how-to-protect-your/id1503451022?i=1000777679728

Ep 330 – How Do I Prove Coercive Control? https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/how-do-i-prove-coercive-control-the-evidence-that/id1503451022?i=1000779988943

Ep 216 – The Post-Divorce Glow-Up https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/the-post-divorce-glow-up-steps-to-emotional-recovery/id1503451022?i=1000731905804

Ep 322 – Survival Mode in Divorce: 3 Anchors https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/survival-mode-in-divorce-3-anchors-to-steady-yourself/id1503451022?i=1000773944015

🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au | 🎓 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

Krasi's research survey: https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2

The Body Keeps the Score (Bessel van der Kolk) | The Shark Cage (Ursula Benstead) | Emma Katz research | EMDR

If this episode helped, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast.

🎧 Listen to this episode if…

• Your ex has said they will not discuss money until parenting is agreed

• You are not sure whether to sort property or parenting first, or both together

• You are separated under one roof and nothing is moving

• You have been handed an offer with a 24-hour deadline and it feels like pressure

• Your ex has suddenly started pushing hard for 50/50 after showing little interest

• You are heading into mediation and want to know what to do if they ambush you

⚠️ Disclaimer & Support

General information only, not legal advice. Australian family law. Always get advice about your own situation.

This episode discusses coercive control and financial abuse. In danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732. Lifeline 13 11 14.

Episode Summary

"I am not discussing property until parenting is sorted." It sounds like a rule. It is not.

Mum and I unpack whether the order matters, where property and parenting really overlap, the time limits you cannot miss, and the eight stalling tactics we are seeing right now – the hostage swap, the circle walk, the 50/50 care play, the disclosure drip, the attrition strategy, the mediation ambush, the generosity trap and weaponised urgency. Plus the interim property distribution most self-represented people have never heard of.

⏱️ Episode Timeline

00:00 – Property or Parenting First? Why Your Ex Wants to Control the Order

02:00 – Where Property and Parenting Actually Collide

04:00 – Why Some Exes Insist on Parenting First

06:00 – When Stalling Becomes Coercive Control and Economic Abuse

07:00 – Property Time Limits: De Facto vs Married Explained

09:00 – Can You Run Property and Parenting Together? Yes

11:00 – Mediation, 60I Certificates and Doing Both at Once

12:00 – Is There Any Good Reason to Keep Them Separate?

15:00 – "Who Died and Made Them Boss?" Taking Back Control

17:00 – Dirty Trick 1: The Hostage Swap

18:00 – The Line That Shuts It Down: "That's Not the Law"

20:00 – The Power Imbalance Test You Can Do Today

22:00 – Dirty Trick 2: The Circle Walk

23:00 – Interim Property Distribution: The Real Circuit Breaker

26:00 – Dirty Trick 3: The 50/50 Care Play

29:00 – Dirty Trick 4: The Disclosure Drip and Section 71B

31:00 – Dirty Trick 5: The Attrition Strategy and Wearing You Down

34:00 – Dirty Trick 6: The Mediation Ambush

36:00 – Filing in Court: Why the Registrar Changes Everything

38:00 – Dirty Trick 7: The Generosity Trap

40:00 – Dirty Trick 8: Weaponised Urgency and Fake Deadlines

42:00 – Sequencing by Personality Type: Which Order Suits Which Ex

44:00 – Rapid Fire: Your Biggest Property and Parenting Questions

47:00 – Rapid Fire for People Already in Court

50:00 – The Double-Sided Cushion: Your Two Sticky Notes

🎧 Episodes Mentioned

Episode 213 – The Hidden Connection: Custody Battles & Property Splits in Divorce

https://podcasts.apple.com/ph/podcast/the-hidden-connection-custody-battles-property-splits/id1503451022?i=1000728151220

Episode 191 – What Your Lawyer Might Forget to Tell You: Unlocking Funds Before Property Settlement Is Final

https://podcasts.apple.com/ph/podcast/what-your-lawyer-might-forget-to-tell-you-unlocking/id1503451022?i=1000702792838

Episode 218 – Business Tricks in Divorce: 10 Sneaky Tactics to Watch Out For and Outsmart

https://podcasts.apple.com/ph/podcast/business-tricks-in-divorce-10-sneaky-tactics-to-watch/id1503451022?i=1000733969897

Links & Resources

🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au | 🎓 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

Family Law Act 1975 – s 60CC, s 71B, s 79 | Federal Circuit and Family Court – www.fcfcoa.gov.au

If this episode helped, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast.

All our best,

Laura & Lyn

Your Guides By Your Side

Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST

You know it was abuse. But written down, each moment sounds small. This is the episode about proving it.

Part 5 of our six-part coercive control series with clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova. Mum and I work through your questions on affidavits, evidence, police reports and what the family court is actually looking for.

LISTEN IF YOU...

- Have kept notes for a year and worry they sound petty

- Have been told by a lawyer that coercive control does not matter

- Reported to police and were dismissed because there was no stalking or tracking

- Are writing an affidavit and do not know what to include

- Are still being controlled through emails, handovers and admin after final orders

- Are terrified of going back to court

This is general information, not legal or psychological advice. It reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation. Always get independent advice.

This episode discusses coercive control, family violence, financial abuse and sexual betrayal. If you are in danger call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732.

00:00 - Explaining Coercive Control When No One Believes You

01:00 - Series Recap and Meet Clinical Psychologist Krasi Kirova

02:30 - Legal Disclaimer and Family Violence Trigger Warning

03:50 - Stacy: How Do I Make My Notes Matter in Court?

06:00 - Why Each Incident Sounds Petty: The Puzzle Piece Problem

07:00 - Death by a Thousand Cuts: Proving Cumulative Harm

09:30 - When the Judge Spots the Pattern Themselves

10:30 - What Courts Look For: Coercive Control and the Property Pool

14:00 - Your Affidavit Is the Proof, So You Have to Say It

14:20 - Anonymous: Should Infidelity Go in My Affidavit?

18:00 - DARVO Explained: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

19:00 - Win: Can I Use Voice Memos and Home Security Footage?

21:40 - Legal Gatekeeping: When Your Lawyer Says It Does Not Matter

26:00 - How to Change Lawyers Mid-Case Without the Confrontation

28:00 - Katina: The Police Dismissed My Coercive Control Report

30:00 - The Empower You App and Finding a Station That Listens

33:20 - Roberta: Protection Orders When He Explains Everything Away

35:00 - Why Criminal, DV and Family Courts Do Not Talk to Each Other

37:00 - Samantha: Post-Separation Control After Final Orders

41:40 - Grey Rock, Escalation and When to Get a Risk Assessment

43:30 - Coercive Control Versus Ordinary Co-Parenting Conflict

46:30 - Admin Burden as Control: Fix It in Your Parenting Orders

50:00 - Jenna: When His Lawyer Becomes the Mouthpiece

54:00 - Lee: Fear of Court and a Teenager Who Will Not Visit

58:00 - Court Fear Is the Last Hook They Have Left

01:00:00 - Gina: What Evidence Is Actually Enough?

01:02:00 - Thresholds: Therapist Versus Police Versus Family Court

01:04:00 - The Marathon Analogy: Kicked, Then Blamed for Slowing Down

01:06:00 - Never Stop Documenting Until the Behaviour Stops

01:12:00 - The Magistrate Who Knew What Coercive Control Was

01:14:30 - Krasi's Conference Talk and Next Week: Healing

EPISODES MENTIONED

DARVO in the Family Court - https://youtu.be/pRMOfozwBKs?si=-YgsXkz8ybMB_lkr

Documenting Coercive Control - https://youtu.be/SIyXCGXH5nw?si=SY_8UNT5puZ7Uj_F

Reporting to Police, Step by Step - https://youtu.be/s7vH5a9y7cA?si=sm1ReJaVxsvqKlNS

1800 RESPECT - 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)

Lifeline - 13 11 14

Police - 000 (immediate danger)

The Divorce Course - www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

The Divorce Course Podcast - www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

Empower You app - free documentation app run by NSW Police

Krasi Kirova - clinical psychologist and board-approved supervisor

Share your experience anonymously for Krasi's conference talk: [LINK]

If this episode helped you understand how to prove coercive control, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

Are you about to separate and have absolutely no idea what happens to the house? Do you keep it? Do you sell it? Do you have to be the one who leaves? And what happens to the mortgage?

🎧 Listen to this episode if…

- You don't know whether you can keep the house or have to sell it, The mortgage is in both names and you're panicking about who pays it, You've been told that if you move out, you lose your claim to the house, Your ex is stalling, sabotaging the sale, or refusing to sign anything, You want to keep the kids in the same home and the same school, You're heading into mediation and need to know your options

⚠️ not legal advice. This reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation. Always get independent legal advice.

Discussions of financial and economic abuse. If you're in danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732.

00:00 – What Happens to the House When You Separate?

01:10 – Net Equity Explained: What the House Is Really Worth

02:05 – No Special Rule Book, With One Exception: Housing the Children

03:45 – Does Someone Have to Move Out to Be Separated?

05:05 – Myth Busted: Moving Out Doesn't Lose You the House

06:20 – When Your Ex Runs the House Down Before the Valuation

07:10 – Who Pays the Mortgage? Spousal Maintenance Explained

09:30 – Financial Abuse and Section 4AB of the Family Law Act

09:55 – Do You Have to Sell the House If You Separate?

10:45 – Working Out What the House Is Actually Worth

12:10 – How Assets Get Balanced: The Caravan Example

13:15 – Your Options: Keep It, Sell It, or Hold It Jointly

14:35 – Falling Prices, Negative Equity and Bidding at Auction

16:50 – Keeping the House: The Step-by-Step Process

17:20 – Why the Order Comes First: The Stamp Duty Exemption

19:20 – How to Work Out the Buyout Figure

21:30 – Can You Actually Afford It? See a Mortgage Broker

23:15 – Why Every Consent Order Needs a Backup Plan

24:50 – Kids and the House: Does It Give You an Edge?

26:20 – Expensive Suburbs, School Catchments and Staying Put

28:35 – The Tarzan Principle: Getting to the Next House

31:40 – Should You Buy a New House Before Settlement?

34:20 – Selling Together When You Can Barely Speak

35:25 – Staging, "Sold As Is" and Missing Kitchens

38:10 – Choosing a Real Estate Agent You Both Agree On

39:25 – Court Orders to Sell and Holding Funds in Trust

42:25 – When Your Ex Sabotages the Sale

47:40 – The High-Conflict Ex and the House

49:15 – The Avoidant Ex and Avoidant-Proof Orders

51:20 – The Manipulative Ex and Delay Tactics

52:50 – Amicable? Don't Rely on a Handshake

54:40 – Don't Let Buyers Know It's a Divorce Sale

55:55 – When Your Ex Won't Sign: Section 106A Explained

57:20 – What It Costs to Go to Court Over the House

59:00 – A Home Is Just a House: The Emotional Side

🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED

What Happens With the Mortgage https://youtu.be/8yNEHlHC-JE?si=hCyc9PcxW3BbTUDd

Inheritances https://youtu.be/FKK6NIU4sEk?si=oAOCl-INyhnvO_M0

I Really Want to Keep the House https://youtu.be/sblG_qVXhG4?si=ydHgafJTRDRr6g74

Selling the House https://youtu.be/kd9MUMeKaKQ?si=dTTugpHus_6Qe7oF

📖 FULL SHOW NOTES, including every case, section and resource mentioned in this episode: www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7) 📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14 🚓 Police – 000 🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

Family Law Act 1975 – s79(5) and s90SM (housing the children), s4AB (family violence and economic abuse), s90 (stamp duty relief), s106A (registrar signing documents).

If this episode helped you please follow, rate, review, and share so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

🎧 LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE IF…

• You're parenting a child with autism, ADHD or suspected neurodivergence through a separation

• You don't know how to tell a literal thinker that their parents are splitting up

• Changeover is falling apart and your child refuses to go to the other house

• Your ex denies the diagnosis, blocks therapy, or says "they're perfect at my place"

• You need the court to understand what your child's daily needs actually look like

• You're heading into a family report and you're dreading it

• You're burnt out, doing all the appointments, and wondering if you've ruined your child

Does the family court actually consider your child's neurodivergence when making parenting orders? What happens when your ex tells the lawyer your child doesn't have special needs at all? And can week-about ever work for a child who falls apart at every changeover?

In this episode, Mum and I are joined by Amanda Lee – an autistic mum of autistic daughters, a qualified Montessori educator, parenting coach and registered counsellor who has also been through the family court herself. Amanda works with neurodiverse families navigating burnout, relationship breakdown and separation, and she brings both the qualifications and the lived experience.

⏱️ EPISODE TIMELINE

00:00 – Neurodivergent Kids and Divorce: What You Need to Know

01:01 – Meet Amanda Lee: Autistic Mum, Counsellor and Parenting Coach

03:22 – What's Actually Different for a Neurodivergent Child?

04:56 – Does the Family Court Need a Formal Diagnosis?

06:17 – How to Tell a Neurodivergent Child You're Separating

10:09 – Warning Signs Your Child Isn't Coping After Separation

13:59 – You Haven't Ruined Your Child: The Skills They're Building

14:32 – Documenting Your Child's Behaviour for the Family Court

15:27 – Transitions and Two Homes: Making Changeover Easier

20:04 – One Safe Person, One Safe Place: How to Parallel Parent

22:06 – When Your Child Refuses to Go to the Other House

22:58 – How to Write Observations That Hold Up as Evidence

26:00 – Free Checklists at The Divorce Course

27:09 – When Your Ex Won't Take the Kids to Therapy or OT

28:00 – The Ex Who Denies the Diagnosis: Talk About Behaviour Instead

30:24 – Masking, the Fawn Response and "Perfect at Dad's"

33:08 – Telling the School and Building Your Support Team

36:24 – "Therapeutic Purposes Only" Counselling Orders Explained

37:07 – How the Family Court Considers Neurodiversity

38:15 – NDIS Plans, Affidavits and a Day in the Life

40:02 – Choosing a Family Report Writer Who Gets Neurodivergence

41:00 – Preparing Your Child for the Family Report Interview

44:10 – Coaching Accusations and How to Avoid Them

46:15 – When Parents Can't Agree on Medical or Therapy Decisions

49:04 – Therapy Costs, Property Settlement and Child Support

51:05 – Support After 18: Adult Child Maintenance Explained

53:06 – Parental Burnout and the "Good Enough Parent" Standard

56:49 – Where to Find Amanda Lee

🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED

• At What Age Can Children Decide Where They Live? –https://youtu.be/hUCh0Nzw0wM?si=3jLmbSGESM3ziQYq

• What Is a Family Report? What to Expect on the Day –https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/family-reports-in-your-divorce/id1503451022?i=1000475552908

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Amanda Lee – Amanda Lee Consulting – amandaleeconsulting.com | Amanda Lee Consulting on Facebook & Instagram

Understanding Zoe app – shared practitioner notes for your child's support team (may be fundable through NDIS)

Teeny Tiny Stevies – ABC Kids / ABC iview (the goodbye-song idea)

Videos for children about the family court – fcfcoa.gov.au

Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) s 60CC – best interests of the child

Family Law Amendment Act 2023 – parental responsibility and joint decision-making changes, in force May 2024

Services Australia – Child Support change of assessment (special circumstances)

NDIS – ndis.gov.au

LINKS & RESOURCES

🌐 The Divorce Course – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

🎓 The Divorce Course Podcast – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

✅ Free checklists (mediation, disclosure, word salad, read a letter like a pro, before you go) – free resources section at www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

SUPPORT

📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)

📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14

🚓 Police – 000 (immediate danger)

🛟 Content warning: this episode touches on high-conflict separation, post-separation abuse, and parents who deny a child's needs.

⚠️ This podcast is general information only – it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation or jurisdiction. Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your individual circumstances. Laws may have changed since this episode was recorded.

If this episode helped you feel less alone in parenting a neurodivergent child through separation, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

All our best,

Laura & Lyn

Your Guides By Your Side

Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST

🎧 Listen to this episode if…

• You've been told your property pool is "too big" or "too small" to bother negotiating

• You're weighing up whether to accept an offer or go to court, and it doesn't feel fair

• You're a stay-at-home parent worried about how you'll manage on a small settlement

• Your ex keeps saying "just go get a job" and you don't know if the court sees it that way

• You're stuck arguing over a percentage and not sure if the fight is worth the cost

• You want to understand future needs adjustments before you sit down at mediation

⚠️ Legal Disclaimer

This podcast is general information only – it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your specific situation or jurisdiction (some rules differ in WA). Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your individual circumstances. Laws may have changed since this episode was recorded.

Episode Summary

You may have been told that because your property pool is very big, or very small, the usual rules don't apply to you. Maybe you're trying to decide whether to accept an offer that doesn't feel fair, or whether it's even worth going to court at all. This one's for you.

Mum and I unpack how the size of your property pool changes the way settlement negotiations and decisions play out. The family law framework is always the same – the four steps a court works through don't move – but two of those steps, current and future circumstances (what we used to call "future needs") and that final just-and-equitable check, can look very different depending on whether you're splitting five million or fifty thousand.

We talk through why big pools often see smaller future-needs adjustments (because there's plenty to go around), why small pools can see much larger ones (because every dollar counts), and the one habit that will save you years of stress: stop arguing over percentages and start looking at what those percentages are actually worth in real dollars. Mum also explains the Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) court track for smaller matters, why superannuation isn't the same as cash in your hand, and why drawing that legal line under your relationship matters even when there's "hardly anything" to divide.

⏱️ Episode Timeline

00:00 – Big or Small Property Pool? Why It Matters

01:00 – The Legal Disclaimer & What Stays the Same for Everyone

01:20 – The Four Steps: What Never Changes in a Settlement

02:00 – What Counts as a Large Property Pool?

02:40 – Big Pools: Why Future Needs Adjustments Shrink

04:40 – Standard of Living: What the Court Will and Won't Do

06:30 – Small Pools: Why Adjustments Can Be Much Bigger

07:30 – Percentages vs Real Dollars: The Mindset Shift

09:00 – Is That 10% Worth Going to Court For?

12:20 – Don't Forget Superannuation vs Cash

14:00 – Stay-at-Home Parents, Earning Capacity & Retraining

17:20 – "Is a Small Pool Even Worth It?" The Myth

18:30 – Why Drawing a Legal Line Protects Your Future

21:40 – The Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) Explained

23:30 – Normal-Sized Pools: Follow the Usual Rules

25:50 – Show Me the Money: Look at Dollars, Not Percentages

26:40 – You Are Capable: A Message of Hope

1. Should I Settle or Go to Court? (10 Questions to Ask Yourself)

Referenced when discussing how to decide whether the fight is worth it.

2. Property: Why You Shouldn't Negotiate Percentages

Referenced when discussing arguing over what "50/50" actually means in dollars.

📞 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)

📞 Lifeline — 13 11 14

🚓 Police — 000 (immediate danger)

🌐 The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

🎓 The Divorce Course Podcast — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

• Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) — the streamlined court track for matters with net assets under $500,000 (excluding super). Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia: https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au

• Family Law Act 1975 – s 79 (property, married) / s 90SM (de facto): https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/legis/cth/consol_act/fla1975114/s79.html