Presale tickets for Toms new tour Preposterous go live September 30th at 10am. Make sure to get yours over at https://tomsegura.com/tour and use code: TOMMY

SPONSORS:

• Head to https://superpower.com/bears for $50 off your membership. Get 150+ biomarkers tested every year plus a personalized health plan and on-demand care team. Detect early signs of 1,000+ conditions. #superpowerpod

• Start learning a new language TODAY with Babbel. Right now listeners can save up to 60% off at https://Babbel.com/BEARS.

• Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you.

• If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, get our free business guide, Aligning for the Agentic Era: How AI Is Changing Everyday Work, at https://netsuite.com/BEARS .

• Get started with ShipStation today and get sixty days free at https://ShipStation.com, with code cave.

This week, Tom is off somewhere, so Bert Kreischer is joined by the legendary Rob Lowe, back in the Cave to talk about his new movie The Musical, the Sundance comedy with a twist so audacious the big distributors were too scared to buy it, now playing in theaters. Rob breaks down the 18-day shoot, the moment that makes audiences gasp, and why a small theatrical run still beats a mystery streaming "hit." From there, the two get into learning stick on La Cienega, LeeAnn's endless story recaps, Tom Cruise pulling his own tooth for The Outsiders, and Paul Newman's legendary hangs. Bert opens up about his Free Bert season two meltdown and the night he forgot how to yawn, Rob shares what 36 years of sobriety taught him, and they pitch the ultimate Netflix show: 24 Hours with Rob & Bert, starring Mark Wahlberg as Dirk Diggler. Plus: Usher's house tour, Bryson DeChambeau's eagle, and the national anthem bit.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 341

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:39 - Skinny Bert & Driving Stick On La Cienega

00:10:43 - Bert Doesn't Listen & The Cousin Who Can't Eat Anything With A Hoof

00:23:54 - Tom Cruise Pulled His Own Tooth & Butch Cassidy Cool

00:32:05 - The Musical & The Twist Nobody Would Buy

00:48:40 - The Night Bert Couldn't Yawn

00:54:54 - Measured Drinking & Rob's 36 Years Sobriety

01:00:37 - Paul Newman

01:05:43 - Rob's Headshot Composites & Growing Up Before Phones

01:11:15 - Timothée Chalamet, Press Tours, & Tom Cruise's Perfect Day

01:20:22 - Mark Wahlberg's 4AM Club & Bryson DeChambeau's Eagle

01:32:11 - Stunt Flying With Tom Cruise & & The National Anthem Bit

01:41:58 - Humble Sons & Usher's Netflix House Tour

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

• New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS, spend five bucks to get $150 in rewards within 14 days - includes all markets.

• Get your free quote at https://ethos.com/BEARS.

• Let’s eat real. Head to https://factormeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50 percent off and 1 free breakfast item per box for 1 year, while supplies last until 10/31/2026. See website for more details.

• Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears. 

• Start learning a new language TODAY with Babbel. Right now listeners can save up to 60% off at https://babbel.com/BEARS.

• Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you.

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are on separate sides of the country, but still together in our hearts. Tom's about to film a movie and Bert's been running his takes through ChatGPT before he says them out loud, which still doesn't stop LeeAnn and his daughters from destroying him over The Pastor's Wife. Bert explains how Last Comic Standing edited him into the villain, and how much public misrepresentation a person should take before they swing back; Michael Jackson, Shane Gillis, Johnny Depp, Joe Rogan, and Bert's "how many bees until you start swatting" theory. From there, Bert delivers the two greatest analogies of his life, Tom demands the production Bible for Tenet to understand it better, and Bert turns his garage door into a guillotine. They also get into Kyle Forgeard of Nelk Boys running seven marathons in seven days, Bert's daughters hijacking his couples therapy to tell the therapist he only feels emasculated at Lowe's, and Bert's case that Raygun should have won the gold medal and that Jackson Pollock was a shill.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 340

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit http://ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year. $50 in rewards issued every 7 days via click to claim for 14 days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Terms at http://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State.

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:38 - ChatGPT Approved Takes & Death Of The Pastor's Wife

00:07:17 - How Many Bees Until You Start Swatting? + Purple Doritos

00:15:02 - Tom's Movie Beard & Revisiting Tenet

00:28:44 - 365 One-Minute Episodes & Bryson DeChambeau's Hole In One

00:34:08 - Mountain Dew Sizzle

00:38:01 - Football Segue

00:39:19 - Kyle Forgeard's Seven Marathons & Andrew Schulz's Miami Era

00:43:50 - Bert's Tom Impression & Couples Therapy With The Girls

00:51:03 - The Honey Deuce & Bert's Return To Drinking

00:56:16 - What Olympic Sport Could You Actually Get Good At?

01:02:50 - Raygun Deserved The Gold & Jackson Pollock Was A Shill

01:12:15 - Wrap Up

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Check out Hoop and Huddle, YMH Studios' new comedy sports show, hosted by comedians Luke Touma & Nate Marshall. Two friends talking basketball, football, and whatever ruined their weekend. Less "analysts breaks down the tape," more "your boys yelling at the TV." https://www.youtube.com/@UCdaQbXFKAuvKcZcwieo8A6A

SPONSORS:

• Thanks to MANSCAPED® for sponsoring today’s episode! Get The Lawn Mower® Ultra Gen 6 for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code BEARS at https://Manscaped.com!

• The DraftKings Sports app is now live in all 50 states! Head to https://dkng.co/bears

• For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears

• Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears.

• Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you.

Welcome back to the cave! Hunter Biden says he's 48% gay, which raises the only question that matters: what percent are you? Bert and Tom build the math from zero, clothes, dicks, physiques, saunas, eye patches, a $5,000 face laser, and Bert climbs a lot higher than he expected to.

Along the way: why Bert can't watch Sophie Cunningham highlights, the uncomfortable truth about loving Jason Williams, John Stockton's total lack of pizzazz, the hunt for a white DB in the NFL, Bert calling his dad mid-episode to check the family for slave owners (Tom's family does not come out clean), Bert's sister telling him to grow up about his sleep anxiety, Ila volunteering to fight Tom's ten-year-old in the Octagon, the 2:30am Dodger Stadium aftermath, a device that grades your poop, and Bert's full-throated defense of the Philadelphia Eagles' male cheerleader.

Plus: this week's Mountain Dew summer sizzle submissions, including one that requires $2.6 million of CGI and one that just shuts Bert up.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 339

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get $50 in Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year, issued every 7 days via click to claim for 21 days. 1 non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends July 19th. Terms at https://dkng.co/audio.

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:14 - Hunter Biden Says He's 48% Gay

00:06:23 - Clip Farms, Sophie Cunningham, & Jason Williams

00:15:32 - John Stockton, White Boxers & Tim Dwight

00:29:23 - California's Slavery Bill & Bert Calls His Dad

00:34:41 - The Girlfriend, The Sister, & The Fight Challenge

00:42:34 - The Dodgers Game Aftermath & A Whoop For Your Toilet

00:46:11 - Male Cheerleaders, Female Urologists, & Checking Out Men

00:52:38 - Hiding From Lightning With A Grindr Meetup

00:59:05 - Comedian OnlyFans & Ohtani's $17 Million Translator

01:05:44 - Mountain Dew Summer Sizzle Submissions

01:11:34 - Wrap Up

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

• Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com

• Visit https://ethos.com/BEARS

• Sign up for your free trial at https://shopify.com/bears

• Sign up now and join over 14 million people already investing with Acorns. New customers get a $20 bonus investment just for signing up. Head to https://acorns.com/bears to claim your $20 bonus today. Limited time offer. Terms and conditions apply. See https://acorns.com/terms for details.

• New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get $200 in rewards within 21 days - includes all markets.

Welcome back to 2 Bears 1 Cave! This week Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dive right in with Jelly Roll's headline-grabbing Kimmel monologue where he addressed the president as "from one fat pig to another." Bert then takes full credit for Jelly Roll's weight loss and the entire genesis of the Two Bears 5K, because technically he was in the room when that casually became a thing. They also have exciting news, a new 5K is coming in April and it's going to be bigger than ever.

From there, Bert opens up about the panic attacks he's been having, severe, physical, and rooted in something he now understands: a complete lack of childhood bedtime structure. Tom grew up getting nightly Catholic prayers, a sign of the cross from mom, and the full rosary in the car for any trip over ten minutes. Bert grew up watching Letterman alone at nine years old at 3am while his dad slept off a ten mile run. The bears compare notes on childhood bedtime routines, how they each put their own kids down now, and what sleep anxiety looks like when it hits a grown adult, including Bert's most recent 36-hour panic attack that started when a friend told him he yawns too much and he forgot how to do it. He couldn't yawn for a day and a half. He finally yawned in couples therapy. That's where we are.

They also get into Mel Gibson getting lightly canceled for mocking a sign language interpreter (on the scale of Mel Gibson incidents, this doesn't even register), a game of complimenting Salma Hayek on the one thing she's never heard in her 60 years on earth, Tom Hardy's new rap album, Jonah Hill's white belt jiu jitsu bravado and whether he'd actually beat Jason Bateman's ass, the Eddie Bravo black eye that made Bert walk out of a jiu jitsu class without ever taking his jeans off, and the Times Square Stabber whose fat padding made every taser completely ineffective and whose stabbing motion made this incident appear beyond ridiculous at first.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 338

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Canada. Bet with DraftKings Sportsbook to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days OR Trade with DraftKings Predictions to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. Event contract trading involves risk of loss. Predictions offer void in New York. Non-withdrawable Rewards issued as Fifty dollar click-to-claims every seven days for twenty-one days. Terms at https://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State.

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:18 - Jelly Roll Called Trump A Fat Pig on Kimmel

00:15:49 - Mel Gibson's Sign Language Incident & Cancel Culture

00:22:32 - Childhood Bedtimes & Panic Attacks

00:33:38 - Putting Kids to Bed & Bert's Sleep Anxiety Deep Dive

00:41:44 - Bert Forgot How to Yawn and Had a 36-Hour Panic Attack

00:51:25 - Salma Hayek At 60

00:55:47 - Tom Hardy's Album, Shapeshifters & Jonah Hill's White Belt Energy

01:05:56 - The Times Square Waddling Stabber

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

• https://dkng.co/bears New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get $200 in rewards within 21 days, includes all markets.

• For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears

• If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, go to https://netsuite.ai/bears.

• Visit https://Betterhelp.com/BEARS.

• Get started with ShipStation today and get sixty days free at https://ShipStation.com, with code cave.

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in the cave and surprise surprise, Bert opens with a confession: he wishes he'd never quit drinking. What follows is a full inventory of the modern male brain, the online pastor Tom watches every morning to get inspired, why 17-year-olds have no business being nostalgic for anything, the exact moment each of them gave up on playing pro sports, and why comedians never seem to get that same reality check. The guys break down Bert's Whoop addiction and the blood clot that started it, get talked into a completely fictional performance-enhancing stack for a 5K, fall in love with bull riding legend JB Mauney, pitch the worst sponsorship idea in podcast history, and watch a food delivery driver take on the entire Barstool office. Then it's cringe cancellation, sobriety influencers, 4:23 a.m. morning routine guys, and a long, very funny argument about which movie stars are actually men and which ones just look at themselves in the mirror. Plus Bert's new fragrance obsession, the colognes of Napoleon, Elvis and JFK, Sebastian Maniscalco's four seasonal robes, Joe Rogan's splits, Billy Bob Thornton at the CMAs, and a big announcement about the future of the show.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 337

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MYRESET. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. $50 in rewards issued every seven days via click to claim for twenty-one days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Terms at https://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State.

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:17 - The Jewish Joke Bert Can't Tell On Stage

00:04:26 - Pastor Manning

00:09:09 - Period Sex Confessions & Giving Up On Sports

00:21:50 - Nobody Quits Comedy Or Drinking

00:31:31 - Whoop Obsession, The Blood Clot, & Tren

00:37:09 - JB Mauney & The PBR

00:44:27 - Motorcycles & The 12 O'clock Boys Sponsorship

00:46:56 - The Barstool Helmet Fight

00:52:58 - Fighting Women

00:56:13 - Cringe Cancellation

01:01:35 - Tom's Pep Talk & Bert's Therapy

01:05:05 - Sobriety Influencers & Morning Routine Guys

01:09:04 - Cringey Actors vs. Real Men

01:19:33 - Bert's Fragrance Obsession

01:30:00 - Drakkar Noir Nostalgia

01:36:49 - Sebastian Maniscalco Is A Study

01:40:04 - Bert Meets Billy Bob At The CMAs

01:44:26 - 2 Bears Is Going Back To Weekly

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

• Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com

• Thanks to MANSCAPED for sponsoring today’s video! Get The Beard Hedger Plus for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code “BEARS” at https://Manscaped.com!

• Start your free trial at https://SHOPIFY.COM/bears

• For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears for your free online visit.

• This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://Betterhelp.com/BEARS.

• Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50 percent off and 1 free breakfast item per box for 1 year, while supplies last until 10/31/2026.

• https://babbel.com/BEARS for up to 60% off. Rules and restrictions may apply.

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer celebrate Bert officially entering the Guinness Book of World Records for The Machine, possibly the most performed signature story in comedy history, and immediately spiral into the comedy record arms race: Shane Gillis' 77,000-person show, Nate Bargatze's 2 million tickets, the Dane Cook vs. Dave Chappelle longest-set war, and Bert's plan to lock 75,000 paid "hostages" inside Raymond James Stadium and perform for ten straight hours. Then the Bears respond to Stavros Halkias calling out comics who fly private, and explain why he's absolutely right: nobody gets funnier on a private jet. From there, Bert declares Busboys, the new Theo Von and David Spade movie, the greatest piece of art he's ever seen, and Tom finally watches The Odyssey, only for Bert to officially turn on it over the Travis Scott cameo. Plus: Gaddafi's all-female Amazonian Guard, plane-crash hypotheticals, Chimp Empire is the best reality show ever made, Mick Jagger on fame, and why the Bears are grateful they got famous late.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 336

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:18 - Comedians Getting Guinness Records

00:07:24 - The Attendance Record Arms Race

00:18:09 - Stavvy Says Private Jets Don't Make You Funnier

00:24:25 - Lunch Pail Phonies & Staying Honest

00:35:39 - Busboys Is A Secret Masterpiece

00:41:55 - Tom Finally Saw The Odyssey

01:03:45 - Por Osos At Frenchies & MacDill

01:07:29 - The Sexiest Military & Plane Crash Hypotheticals

01:12:08 - Chimp Empire

01:15:26 - Leanne's Birthday & The Black Crowes

01:20:28 - Mick Jagger On Fame

01:24:18 - Wrap Up

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

• Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com

• Shopify: Turns out you don’t need a real job. Build your own business with a free trial
  at http://shopify.com/bears

• Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started.

• New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get one hundred fifty in rewards within 14 days, includes all markets. Over at https://dkng.co/bears.

• For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at http://Mengotomars.com.

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in the cave after eight weeks apart, and they open with a full review of The Odyssey, Lupita Nyong'o as Helen of Troy, Matt Damon's rogue Boston accent, and why Jon Bernthal is Hollywood's most legendary napper. From there, Bert unveils his billionaire rebrand (Sabah shoes, LBJ Stetsons, and the top five shoes billionaires wear this fall) before getting real about sobriety, anxiety attacks, and self-diagnosing 12 terminal illnesses in a single month. The Bears also spiral into the movies that blindsided them, Primal Fear, The Sixth Sense, Memento, Fight Club, and why the DIY hits like Obsession prove Hollywood is in another pivot moment. Plus: Project Hail Mary vs. the 15-hour audiobook, Bert's theory that this is the funniest (and most jacked) generation of comics ever, college football weight-room PRs, Jason Kelce showing up for a 9 AM bench session, and a meet & greet at MacDill Air Force Base August 14. If you missed the Bears, this one's for you.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 335

https://tomsegura.com/tour

https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour

https://store.ymhstudios.com

Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800 GAMBLER, 1-800 MY RESET. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit http://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. Fifty dollars in rewards issued every seven days via click to claim for fourteen days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State. Terms at http://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Chapters

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:26 - The Bears Review The Odyssey

00:10:34 - Bears At MacDill Air Force Base

00:11:15 - Project Hail Mary & Bert's Cute Shoes

00:23:37 - Bert's Drinking Again

00:33:36 - Obsession & The New Hollywood Pivot

00:39:00 - The Best Twist Movies Ever

00:52:33 - Everyone's Got Abs

00:56:02 - College Weight Room Energy

01:00:44 - Wrap Up

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

• Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com

• Visit https://ethos.com/BEARS

• Enjoy the refreshing citrus kick of Mountain Dew, an American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com

• Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears

• Get started with ShipStation today and get sixty days free at https://shipstation.com, with code cave.

• If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, go to https://NetSuite.AI/BEARS.

• Head to Factormeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50% off.

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer compare their two very different eras of being fat, Tom's custom-made fat guy shirts, hard visceral fat vs. soft fat, and why losing weight made everyone think Tom got lip injections. Bert's sober documentary binge takes them from Patient Zero "Gay Tom" spreading AIDS across the Air Canada route map to Concorde pricing scams. Tom also reveals the fattest thing he's ever seen Bert do: ten appetizers, four entrées, and twenty doubles in Tallahassee. Bert also retells Bill Hader's retelling of Henry Rollins meeting David Lee Roth, and his daughter's instantly legendary Boston Tea Party take. Then things get real: a midlife crisis YouTube video sends Bert and LeeAnn into a "sell everything and get five apartments in five cities" fantasy, LeeAnn gets brutally honest about when she was happiest, and Tom breaks down the difference between happy and content. Plus: Hulk Hogan inflating Andre the Giant's weight, Julian's belt reaction to the Michael Jackson movie, Whoop resting heart rate brags, Craig Robinson's dunk, and the great first sweat vs. last sweat debate.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 334

https://tomsegura.com/tour
https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour
https://store.ymhstudios.com

Chapters
00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:52 - Fat Tommy Vs Skinny Tom
00:09:16 - Patient Zero, Polio, & The Concorde
00:19:38 - The Fattest Thing Tom Ever Saw Bert Do
00:23:55 - Bill Hader, David Lee Roth & Boston Tea Party
00:32:21 - Hulk Hogan, Macho Man & LeeAnn Off Leash
00:36:37 - Five Apartments In Five Cities
00:46:12 - Bert's Midlife Crisis Theory
00:54:34 - "You're Not Hitting The Notes, Mike"
00:57:05 - Whoop Brags & Craig Robinson Dunking
01:02:36 - Wrap Up

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

• Enjoy the refreshing citrus kick of Mountain Dew, an American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com

• Thanks to MANSCAPED for sponsoring today’s video! Get The Beard Hedger Plus for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code “BEARS” at https://Manscaped.com!

• For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears

• Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $5 bonus investment. Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion dollars with Acorns. Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started.

• Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears

• Start your free trial at https://shopify.com/bears

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer spiral through Bert's newest crisis: figuring out which musicians would actually like him. After Lou Reed tells him off mid-treadmill (entirely inside Bert's head), Bert starts deleting Jane's Addiction and Radiohead from his library, relives Shane Gillis walking out of a Wilco concert after five seconds, and learns his most-played song of all time is "Higher" by Creed. From there, the Bears get into Tom's tour of Kid Rock's 20,000-square-foot, two-bedroom replica White House and meeting Jimmy John from Jimmy John's, a deep dive on Subway Takes and why Bert believes celebrity hot takes are all fake, the viral "white people shouldn't sit on stoops in Bed-Stuy" debate, and a deeply satisfying story of a first-class line cutter getting humbled in front of Viola Davis. Bert also opens up about the final days of his five-and-a-half-month sobriety run, including the recovery books, journaling on planes, and why his first drink back is happening at his daughter Georgia's University of Oregon graduation before going scorched earth on the dad who posted his 4-year-old breaking a rope swing "world record" in Moab. Plus: the MyPillow guy, the thumb-to-arm gut health test, Garth Brooks friendship fantasies, and why Moby would hate them both. If you missed this show, this one's for you.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 333

https://tomsegura.com/tour
https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour
https://store.ymhstudios.com

Chapters
00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:11 - Lou Reed Talks Shit to Bert on the Treadmill
00:04:27 - Kurt Vile, Bob Dylan, & Shane Gillis Walking Out on Wilco
00:16:15 - Deleting Every Musician Who Wouldn't Like Bert
00:25:00 - Kid Rock's Replica White House & Jimmy John From Jimmy John's
00:28:51 - MyPillow, Workout Underwear & Sleeping Naked
00:31:11 - Subway Takes & J.Lo's Rented Hot Take
00:41:01 - White People on Stoops
00:43:47 - Airport Line Cutters
00:50:09 - Bert's Last Week of Sobriety
01:01:21 - The 4-Year-Old Moab Rope Swing Rant
01:13:03 - Wrap Up

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

• Look for American Dew limited-time packaging or find it in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com

• Don't sleep on @‌ultrapouches. New customers get 15% Off with code BEARS at https://takeultra.com! #UltraPouches #ad

• New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get two hundred in rewards within 21 days. https://dkng.co/bears

• For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS.

• Get up to 60% off at https://Babbel.com/BEARS

• Order a bottle of Por Osos and some killer merch online https://drinkporosos.com

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dig into the wild, unexpected Black audience response to Bad Thoughts Season 2, Tom debuting his "out of your control" philosophy on how comedy lands, and a hilarious accounting of which comedians did and didn't text Bert about his new show. Bert opens up about getting nastier and setting harder boundaries in sobriety, comparing himself to the A-Rod and Rafael Nadal documentaries, and Tom reveals his ongoing health investigation that involves shitting in a bucket for a lab test. The Bears also spiral into a debate on regional diets and genetics, plan a mushroom trip with an actual shaman, get Bert's dad on the phone to discuss his own legendary history of public accidents, and revisit boys' locker room culture versus Gen Z's aversion to male nudity. Plus: a Mountain Dew summer sizzle reel callout to fans, a celebration-of-life merch drop business plan for when they die, and the most detailed bowel movement breakdown the show has ever produced.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 332

https://tomsegura.com/tour
https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour
https://store.ymhstudios.com

In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MY-RESET. New York: call 8778-HOPENY, text HOPENY. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days. Trade to get fifty dollars in Predictions Dollars that expire in one year, issued every seven days via click to claim for twenty-one days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends July 19th. Terms at http://dkng.co/audio

Chapters
00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:14 - Bad Thoughts' Black Fanbase
00:07:28 - Mountain Dew Summer
00:11:31 - Healthiest Guy at the Party
00:16:33 - The Subconscious Mind & Nasty Bert
00:26:17 - Setting Boundaries & the A-Rod Documentary
00:30:25 - Black Graduations, Bert's Identity Crisis & the Rafa Nadal Doc
00:40:43 - Merch Plans for When You Die
00:46:12 - Mushroom Trip & The Gut Health Investigation
00:52:10 - Bert Shit Himself in His Sleep
00:55:58 - Locker Room Talk
01:00:33 - Breeding

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS:

• Look for American Dew limited-time packaging or find it in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com

• Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears

• For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS

• Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears

• If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, get our free business guide, Demystifying AI, at https://www.netsuite.com/bears

• New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get two hundred in rewards within 21 days. https://dkng.co/bears

This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer celebrate Por Osos landing in Publix just in time for the 4th of July, which sends Bert into a full nostalgic spiral about pub subs, boat days, and taking his daughters into "international waters." From there, things get historical, the bears break down the story of the guy who invented the meter and got guillotined for it, which leads them down a rabbit hole of people killed for their big ideas, the French Revolution as the original cancel culture, and Martin Luther versus the Catholic Church.
Then Bert tells stories about his relationship with the late Patrice O'Neal: getting destroyed at his first open mic, the Edinburgh trip where they lived together for 29 days watching Bruce Lee movies and Bert getting his feelings systematically demolished, and the moment he found out Patrice had tweeted something kind about him right before the stroke. Tom and Bert also spiral deep into funeral planning, who's required to show up, who gets a Sandler video instead of a live appearance, why Ari's funeral is going to involve hardcore Brooklyn relatives and a lot of confusion, the Andrew Schultz balloon clown apology Bert wants delivered posthumously, and whether or not to get cremated when science might figure something out. Plus: horror movies vs. comedy movies as investments, the film Obsession and its director Curry Baker, Bert's dad crashing the podcast mid-funeral conversation, the band Goose vs. the band Geese, and Mount Joy watching Passion of the Christ on the tour bus.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 331

https://tomsegura.com/tour
https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour
https://store.ymhstudios.com

In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MY-RESET. New York: call 8778-HOPENY, text HOPENY. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org . On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Ontario. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Sportsbook Bonus bets expire in seven days. $50 in Predictions Dollars issued weekly for three weeks, expire in one year. Redeem one non-withdrawable reward. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends June 28th. Terms at http://dkng.co/audio

Chapters
00:00:00 - Intro
00:02:21 - Por Osos in Publix & Florida Pub Sub Gospel
00:08:45 - The Daniel Boone Documentary
00:18:51 - The Guy Who Invented the Meter Got Killed for It
00:24:59 - People Executed for Big Ideas
00:33:46 - Patrice O'Neal Destroys Bert at His First Open Mic
00:41:27 - Showtime Special, Party Bus, & Patrice's Funeral
00:48:31 - Funerals Vs Celebration Of Life
00:57:00 - Nick Kroll, Andrew Schultz & the Balloon Clown Apology
01:04:11 - Bert's Dad Chimes In
01:05:54 - Noga Erez, Goose Vs. Geese & Mount Joy
01:09:02 - Curry Barker's Obsession & Horror vs. Comedy Movies
01:15:10 - Wrap

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices