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Ever feel like you're doing everything "right" in recovery but still find yourself pissed off when things don't go your way? Steve opens up about his biggest struggle even after 15+ years sober: the control freak mindset that gets shit done but also sets him up for resentment, anxiety, and dangerous thinking patterns.

In this episode, we dig into the difference between being outcome-focused (expecting specific results because you did the work) versus journey-focused (trusting the process without demanding a particular ending). Steve shares raw moments from his week—including a family reunion where "normal people" went straight to the bar while he dealt with buried resentment—and how he's learning to recognize when his need for control is actually putting his sobriety at risk.

We talk about:

• Why alcoholics make great control freaks (and why that's both a strength and a problem)
• The dangerous cascade that starts with disappointment and ends with "maybe I should just drink"
• How expecting certain outcomes because you "earned them" leads to resentment
• Why being a caretaker amplifies these expectations
• The skills that keep you from that relapse that starts three weeks before it actually happens

Whether you're brand new to sobriety or decades in, if you've ever thought "I did everything right, so why do I still feel this way?"—this episode is for you.

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It’s mid-January, the "Pink Cloud" of New Year’s resolutions has evaporated, and for many in the Northeast, we are staring down a "marathon of dark, cold, and gloomy days". In this episode, Matt and Steve get honest about the "January Gloom" and a phenomenon many newcomers face but rarely understand: Anhedonia.

If you feel numb, bored, or like life has lost its "charm" since the holidays ended, you aren't doing recovery wrong—your brain is simply healing. We discuss why trying to "fix everything at once" (the gym, the diet, the 5:00 AM wake-up call) is often a recipe for relapse, and why sometimes, the greatest victory you can have is simply putting your head on the pillow sober.

What We Discuss:

• The Dopamine Gap: Understanding Anhedonia—the temporary inability to feel pleasure while your brain chemistry recalibrates after years of "instant gratification" drinking.
• The Danger of the "Great Reset": Why piling on too many new habits in January can burn you out and why you should "lower the bar" for your own success.
• The Default Plan: Steve shares his "built-in default" for when life gets stressful and why a meeting is his safe haven even when he doesn't feel like going.
• Sobriety in the "Muck": Dealing with physical setbacks like Lyme disease and surgery recovery, and learning to prioritize rest over "hustle".
• Tuesday Morning Clarity: The power of "playing the tape" and how sobriety allows us to show up for our families in ways we never could while drinking.

Key Resources Mentioned:

• Podcast: Sober Powered with Gill Tietz (for a deep dive into the science of addiction).
• Book: Never Enough by Judith Grisel (on the neuroscience of the addicted brain).
• Book: Living Sober.

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You can be sober and still have bad days — and that doesn’t mean you’re doing recovery wrong.

In this episode, Matt and Steve talk honestly about what it looks like to stay sober through anxiety, physical pain, holidays, and emotional discomfort. Matt shares his experience recovering from surgery, navigating anxiety, and using prescribed pain medication safely without triggering old behaviors. Steve reflects on how holidays and stress at home can still bring up difficult feelings — even with long-term sobriety.

Together, they explore an important truth: sobriety doesn’t remove life’s challenges, but it gives you tools to face them. From meetings and step work to walking, writing, acceptance, and simply sitting with uncomfortable feelings, this conversation focuses on practical ways to get through hard days without picking up a drink.

If you’re struggling, feeling restless, anxious, or frustrated — especially around holidays or physical setbacks — this episode is a reminder that you don’t have to be “okay” to stay sober. You just have to stay connected and take the next right action.

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Have you ever been at a party, wedding, or holiday gathering holding a soda and felt like everyone noticed you weren’t drinking?

In this episode of Sober Friends, Matt and Steve talk honestly about what it’s like to be the only sober person in the room—especially early on. They dig into why sobriety can feel uncomfortable in social settings, why it’s not really about the alcohol, and how losing that “social lubricant” can make everything feel louder and more exposed.

They explore the spotlight effect, identity shifts, guilt and shame from past behavior, and why being around heavy or sloppy drinking can still feel unsettling—even with time sober. Most importantly, they share practical tools that actually help: making phone calls, having an exit plan, taking action when your mind starts spiraling, and learning skills that make social situations manageable instead of overwhelming.

If you’re navigating parties, holidays, weddings, or work events without alcohol—and wondering if you’re doing sobriety “wrong”—this episode is for you. You’re not weak. You’re not broken. And it does get easier.

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Pete Axthelm once said he tried to quit drinking for three days — and couldn’t cope. He died at 47, convinced that life without alcohol wasn’t survivable. That sentence stopped me cold, because for many of us, it’s painfully familiar.

In this episode, Steve and I talk about why quitting alcohol feels less like a choice and more like standing at the edge of a cliff. We explore the uncomfortable truth that for many alcoholics, alcohol wasn’t just the problem — it was the solution. It was how we coped with anxiety, fear, anger, and everyday life.

We unpack what actually happens in the brain when alcohol is removed, why early sobriety feels unbearable, and how alcohol lies by convincing us we can’t cope without it. We also talk about why trying to do this alone can be dangerous, when medical help may be necessary, and why the feeling that “this is how I’ll feel forever” isn’t true.

Most importantly, we talk about learning to cope over time — not instantly. The 12 steps, meetings, and fellowship aren’t about willpower or perfection; they’re a slow, imperfect way to build real coping skills after years of numbing. One day at a time. One step at a time. Sometimes just borrowing someone else’s confidence until you find your own.

If you’re standing at the edge, wondering how you’re supposed to live without alcohol, this conversation is for you.

Check out the referenced article, highly recommended about Pete Axthelm in Sports Illustrated back in 2021.

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There’s no such thing as perfect sobriety.

In this episode, Matt and Steve explore why learning from mistakes is part of the process — not a failure. They talk about comparison in recovery, changing needs over time, and how wanting things to “click faster” can quietly work against us.

This is an honest conversation about patience, humility, and staying willing — even when you realize you’re still a present-day alcoholic doing the work one day at a time.

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What does “rock bottom” actually look like — and do you really have to hit it before you get sober? In this episode, Matt and Steve break down the biggest myth in recovery: that you need a dramatic collapse, a lost job, a destroyed marriage, or a trip to the ER to justify getting help.

We talk about how comparison keeps people stuck (“my story isn’t as bad as theirs”), why so many of us lie to ourselves about how bad things really are, and how easy it is to miss the quieter signs that alcohol is running your life. Matt shares how his bottom wasn’t a crisis but a moment of clarity, and Steve talks about the years he spent ignoring warning signs because he wasn’t “that bad.”

You’ll hear:

• Why comparing your drinking to others can keep you sick
• How subtle “off-ramp moments” can be the real bottom
• What it means when someone tells you, “You might have a problem”
• Why sobriety isn’t about subtracting alcohol — it’s about adding tools, people, and freedom
• The truth about mood regulation and why we drink when we’re “too happy” or “too sad”
• Why you never need a catastrophe to decide you’re done

If you’re sober-curious, questioning your drinking, or wondering if it’s “bad enough,” this episode will hit home. You don’t need to lose everything to get your life back.

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What happens when the picture-perfect life hides a private hell? In this episode of the Sober Friends Podcast, Matt J sits down with Emily Redondo, author of Wife Mother Drunk: An Intergenerational Memoir of Loss and Love. Emily takes us inside her raw and unfiltered journey through addiction, motherhood, and the generational trauma that shaped her story.

From pumping and dumping breast milk in rehab to uncovering family secrets that spanned decades, Emily shares what it’s like to live two lives—one for the world and one in the shadows. We talk about the shame that keeps us silent, the lies we tell ourselves, and the courage it takes to break free.

If you’ve ever wondered what recovery looks like when everything feels impossible, this conversation will hit home. Emily’s story is messy, real, and full of hope.

Listen now for a brutally honest look at addiction, resilience, and why telling the truth might be the most radical act of all.

Click here for Emily's book at Amazon, Barnes & Noble and from Emily's website.

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What do you do when your body forces you to slow down — and your mind wants to fight it? In this week’s episode, Matt and Steve dive into the real-life struggle of acceptance after Matt was sidelined by Lyme disease. No gym, no long walks, barely enough energy to get through the grocery store. It felt like life was slipping by… and the only way forward was accepting what is.

Acceptance is one of the core tools of recovery. But it’s also one of the hardest. It can feel like surrender. It can feel like failure. It can feel like giving up. But as we talk about in this episode, acceptance isn’t quitting — it’s acknowledging reality so we can respond with honesty, humility, and sanity.

We explore:

• How illness brought Matt face-to-face with limitations
• Why rest can feel like punishment
• The difference between being powerless and being helpless
• Leveling pride to ask for help
• How acceptance reduces frustration, anger, and burnout
• Why control and perfectionism make acceptance so challenging
• What the recovery program teaches us about letting go

If you struggle with slowing down, asking for help, or accepting the things you emotionally want to resist — this episode is for you.

We’d love to hear your story:

What does acceptance mean in your life?

Email us at [email protected] or connect on soberfriendspod.substack.com

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Turning 50 has Matt thinking about milestones — in life, in recovery, and in all the small moments that really shape who we become. In this episode, the guys dig into what “milestones” truly mean once you’ve been around a while. Sure, the chips and anniversaries matter, but the real growth often happens in the quiet, everyday wins: making an amends, showing up for someone you love, or just staying sober for another five minutes.

Matt and Steve swap stories about turning points big and small — from the first brave admission of “I have a problem” to learning how to fix mistakes, do better, and build new pathways in life. Along the way, they reflect on how recovery isn’t about perfection or lofty goals, but about consistent, humble progress that adds up to a beautiful sober life.

Whether you’re on day one or year twenty-eight, this episode is a reminder that the milestones that matter most often don’t come with a chip — they come from living differently, one day at a time.

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It’s Gratitude Month — but what if you don’t feel grateful? Matt and Steve talk about the kind of week that tests your patience, your sobriety, and your sanity. From corporate layoffs and sleepless nights to plumbing issues and family stress, it was one of those weeks. But a TikTok from a man recovering from cancer shifted Matt’s perspective — a reminder that gratitude isn’t about ignoring the mess, it’s about finding peace inside it. Join the guys as they explore how gratitude keeps us grounded, humble, and sober… even when life sucks.

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📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.