Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After

In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience.

David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.

We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning. 

What is Grief?

Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed.

Chapter #4 The First Step in Finding Meaning:

In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer. Albert Camus pg. 67

On retreats on day #1 – write a letter to your past.  Day #2 write a letter to your future self.  It starts with a blank piece of paper but your future isn’t written yet. You are the writer. Not your past, not your losses, not death. But you are the creator of your future… Don’t let your past dictate your future. Pg 70

The story you tell yourself repeatedly becomes your meaning.  Pg 71

Original Meaning  Transformed vs. New Meaning:

The death happened to me. vs. Death happens.

I’m a victim. vs. I am a victor because I have survived a loss.

This death was a punishment. vs. Death is usually random.

Why did this happen to me? vs. Everyone gets something this lifetime. 

It happened because of something vs. There was nothing I could have done.

My story is the saddest one vs. My story had very sad parts.

Your life will never be the same but happiness again is still possible. Never being happy again is a statement about the future and no one can predict the future. All they can know for sure is that they are unhappy today. It helps to say, “I’m unhappy today.” and leave it at that. Pg 72

Whatever thoughts you water are thoughts that will grow. Pg 73

Perhaps it is time to put down the mirror and pick up the binoculars. (Telescope, microscope) * MVVP book reference 

I look at the meaning the person is giving the event and then I help them change the meaning, not the event. The event is not going to be any different, but the meaning can be, and this can help them to deal with the loss. Pg 76

The reality is that no two people will ever react to an event in the same way.  How you respond will depend upon the meaning you see in it. And like all perceptions of meaning, this will be influenced not just by the event itself, but also by your cultural background, your family, religion, temperament and life experience. Meaning comes from all that has made you who you are. Pg 77

Where is your loved on now?  Is a good question but also “When are they?” They are no longer in the moment. They are past suffering pg. 77

Allowing yourself only to focus on the past, however miserably, can seem easier, more comfortable, than deciding to live fully in the world without your loved one. Pg 79

Underneath the reluctance to live or love again is fear. Pg 79

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for” John A. Shield.

When we are grieving, we want to stay in the harbor. It’s a good place to be for a while. It’s where we refuel, rebuild and repair. But we are meant to find new adventures… Pg 80

As the Buddha says, “if you are a lamp for someone else, it will brighten your path.”

The parable of the long spoons:

A person is ushered into a banquet hall There are rows of tables laden with platters of sumptuous food, but the people seated around the tables are pale and emaciated, moaning in hunger. As he gets closer, he sees that each person is holding a spoon. But the spoon is so long he can’t get the food to his mouth. Everyone is starving in agony.

The person is then taken to another banqueting area where he encounters the same feasting  arrangement he encountered in the first hall. There is again a cornucopia of food but here the people seated at the tables are cheerfully talking and eating because the long spoons are being used to feed each other.

Taking the challenges, impairments and predicaments that we have been given (the long spoons of our lives) and using them to help others can really give meaning to those challenges, impairments and predicaments and can help nourish and nurture others while we receive the same for ourselves

Chapter #5 The Decision

Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?  

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Mary Oliver Pg 83

Not making a decision is a decision. Healing does not allow for neutrality. It’s an active process, not a passive one. 

We have to participate in our own healing not just expect it to happen. 

Living is different from being alive.  Pg 83

The decision to live fully is about being present for life, no matter how hard life is at the moment. It’s about what you are made of, not what happens to you. Pg 84

C.S Lewis said in his book The Problem with Pain, “Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.”

Make a conscious decision to live, not just be alive. Pg 85

When an elephant grows up, it’ll clearly be strong enough to break the rope, but because by then it has learned that struggling is useless, and it will no longer attempt to pull up the small peg or break the rope. Pg 88

“Till death do us part” The marriage contract ends at death. It is done. No one’s vow includes the afterlife. Pg 90

Sometimes we need help making the decision to say our goodbyes to them in life and move our loved ones into our hearts in death. Pg 92

No matter how long you were together, it’s not enough time but the love you shared is not gone. It lives within you as a part of you. The experience of love that you had can never be destroyed or changed by a new love. That love will exist forever in its own time, in its own way in your heart. But more love can be available to you if you desire. Your heart can have many loves in its lifetime.  A new love can grow out of the same soil without diminishing a past love. You still have life.  Pg 94

At times, our challenge is a new love; other times it is a new life. Pg 94

We often don’t realize that the decision to live is an active one that requires our participation.  Pg 95

We are capable of more love throughout our life than we realize. “95 Make the decision to do so

Broken crayons still color.  Pg 96  

Part II  The Challenges in Grieving 

Chapter #6 Finding Meaning in Why

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. Lao-tzu Pg 99

You woke up for a reason this morning, and that reason is for the purpose of finding meaning in your life. P102

Small moments can have big meaning.

Everything you do has the potential for meaning.  P103

We affect others in ways we will never know, often by simply being ourselves. Pg104

Whatever the reason, when there’s guilt, there’s a demand for punishment, so survivors will often punish themselves or attract people who will do it for them. Pg 104

You will always be connected to your son but you don’t have to be connected to the pain. You can connect in love. Pg 107

When we don’t have a why we tend to jump in and play God. We tell ourselves, “ I could have prevented his death,” or “It should have been me.” This means we are attributing to ourselves the power that we don’t have. Pg. 108

To begin to heal you must give the power back to God, the universe, fate, or whatever you believe in. That might mean you begin to acknowledge your anger at God. I believe God is big enough to handle your anger and rage. Pg 109

The why you must answer is not why your loved one died, but why you lived. Why are you here? 

Turn the why into how or what. How can I move on from here? What meaning can I find for living?

Why’s build walls and we can bump into the wall time and time again and not have the answer to the why. As a matter of fact it can even seems that every time we ask why we put another brick on the wall..  If that is the case change the question to how. Where why questions build walls how questions build bridges. How can I move on from here? If I give up answering the why I can then accept the way things are in the present and move on from there. The how question helps me to move on. How can I move on from here even if I don’t know the why. 

The life that was lost was precious. If we have been granted more time, shouldn’t we believe that our life is also precious? Pg111

Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After

In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience.

David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.

We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning. 

What is Grief?

Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed.

Part I – Every Loss Has Meaning

Chapter #1 What is Meaning?

The person who sees death as sacred has found a way to find meaning in it. Pg 14

Kessler references Victor Frankl’s cornerstone work, Man’s Search for Meaning. Kessler says that this book is a beacon for those who wonder how meaning can emerge from tragedy… Frankl suggested that when we are faced with a situation that is hopeless and unchangeable, “we are challenged then to change ourselves”. When we make the choice to change ourselves, we can turn tragedy into an occasion for growth.  Pg 14

The hope that we find in individual situations of grief leads to a life full of meaning. As we move from one grief to the next, one disappointment to the next all the while we are challenged to change.

Grief doesn’t get smaller over time, we get bigger. Pg 15

Pain, death, and loss never feel good, but they’re unavoidable in our lifetime. Yet the reality is posttraumatic growth happens more than posttraumatic stress. 15

Whenever you find it, meaning matters, and meaning heals. Pg15

 Vision from the great Avengers of Marvel Comics says “What is grief, if not love persevering?”

Chapter #2  Grief Must Be Witnessed

Each person’s grief is as unique as his or her fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining. Pg 29

Sitting shiva in Jewish culture seems to get the idea of grieving. For a time period of 3 to 7 days friends and family come to the mourners home and just sit with the people in grief. They say nothing unless they are spoken too. They are just present for the people that are grieving. This really is what grieving while having a witness is all about. Just being present. Just being seen.

But in our hyper-busy world, grief has been minimized and sanitized. Pg 30

• we have diluted it because it’s scary to think about our own death. We like things we can control and we can control our busyness. We are very egocentric and attached to this life. We don't like not knowing exactly what awaits us in the next life. 

Grief should unite us. It is a universal experience. 30

The act of witnessing someone’s vulnerability can bring the person out of isolation if the witnessing is done without judgment. (Great theme statement for AMG) 31

Grief is what’s going on inside of us, while mourning is what we do on the outside. Pg31 

When people ask me how long they’re going to grieve I ask them, “How long is your love one going to be dead?” That’s how long. I don’t mean you will be in pain forever but you will never forget that person. 31

Loss can become more meaningful-and more bearable- when reflected and reflected accurately, in another’s eyes. 33

If the love is real, the grief is real pg. 34

Good interaction exercise – Have two people who are grieving stand facing each other and place their hands over their own hearts. Then look into each other’s eyes and say, “I witness your grief, I see your healing.” This kind of witnessing of another’s vulnerability can be very healing.  Pg 34

As I read this in the book I found myself tearing up when thinking of the grief I have experienced with others. My wife and I created A Grief Workshop for a large church that we served on staff with early in our careers. I wish that I would have known of this exercise when we were developing this workshop. How powerful to look into another’s eyes and say, “I witness your grief, I see your healing.” 

Something goes out of alignment when we try to avoid sadness and grief. 35

Life gives us pain. Our job is to experience it when it gets handed to us. Avoidance of loss has a cost. Having our pain seen and seeing the pain of others is a wonderful medicine for both body and soul. Pg 35

Life has peaks and valleys. It’s our responsibility to be present for both. Pg 35

“The time will come when memory will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eyes” That’s how it goes, pain first, meaning later. Pg 41

Having grief witnessed is about making loss real. Pg 42

When we feel it, we release it and we can be free.  Pg 44 

(My rephrasing– When we feel it, we can feel free to release it.)

Funerals and memorials are important. Something profound happens when others see and hear and acknowledge our grief. Pg 44

Two things bring us together: 1. Love 2. Suffering

Our children, just like us, need their pain witnessed, and a funeral is important to them. Pg 46

We are not meant to be islands of grief. The reality is that we heal as a tribe. Pg 47  

We see this often in men’s groups as men invite other men to connect with them by sharing their loss and grief openly. 

Chapter #3 The Meaning of Death

Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete. Victor Frankl. Pg. 49

The death shapes the grief.  Pg 49

I often teach that in grief, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Pg 51

Writing proves helpful in processing our grief  pg. 52  Journaling seems especially helpful in the processing of grief

Kessler says that writing proves helpful in three ways:

1. It examines causes and consequences. People who write use more words and phrases like: because, understand, realize, and work through.

When we examine writing we use our arm and our hand which is between our head, the center of our thoughts and our heart or out our gut (which in eastern thinking is the center of our emotions.) So by writing we are expressing our thoughts and our feelings. When we further examine this we also realize that writing engages the two hemispheres of our brain, the left hemisphere which is responsible for language and speech and the right hemisphere which plays a large part in the interpreting the visual information and spatial processing.

So in writing it is rather like lining up the crosshairs of a scope. We bring into alignment thoughts and feelings and language and processing.

2. There is a shift in perspective. From I and me to he and she and then to us 

It is important to remember there is not us and them. It is just us and we all experience grief.That which is most personal is most universal

3. Finding positive meaning in the traumatic experience. 

The way we view death reflects how we look at life. 

Death most often is thought of as a failure. Listen to how we speak of it: She succumbed to the illness, He lost the battle with cancer, and they didn’t make it.  Pg55

Apparently, no matter how great our life, we are destined to fail in the end. That doesn’t have to be our understanding of either life or death, however. Pg 56

Fear doesn’t stop death. Fear does stop life, however, but it doesn’t have to. If we allow ourselves to live with the consciousness of death, it will enrich us by making us understand how precious life is. Pg 56

But painful as it is, if we can view the approach of death as a reminder to us to value every moment, we can find new sources of meaning. Pg 58  

Death makes life valuable.  Pg 58

This life is a limited time offer. Pg 58

My mantra is “What’s meaningful?” I ask it all the time. Pg 60

What presence is worthy of my essence?

What’s meaningful can change our experience of imminent death… But for so many the last chapter of life is not the most interesting one, or the most important. We almost see it as a meaningless, “throwaway” part of life. Instead of using the precious time to complete relationships, to express our love, we allow the final chapter to become the series of medical issues to be conquered; a frantic search for a cure when one is no longer possible. Pg 62

Everything that lives must die. But while life has to end, love doesn’t. Pg. 64

The end of your loved one’s life is not the end of your relationships, since your love lives on. Pg 65

Instead of sitting in the room with their loved one staring at them when they are unconscious or sleeping try turning to face away from them so you can start practicing their presence without being able to rely on sight. Pg 65

Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After

In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience.

David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.

We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning. 

What is Grief?

Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed.

Grief is something in our culture that we often don’t know how to approach. And until its on happening to us or someone we love. we typically don’t like to think about death or talk about it.

The Original Five Stages of grief by Kubler-Ross:

1. Denial - This isn’t happening to me
2. Anger - Why is this happening to me?
3. Bargaining - What can I change to stop this happening to me?
4. Depression - There isn’t anything I can do to stop this happening to me.
5. Acceptance - I take this for what it is even if I don’t want it.

The 6th stage proposed by Kessler is Meaning.

What does meaning look like? It can take many shapes, such as finding gratitude for the time they had with loved ones, or finding ways to commemorate and honor loved ones, or realizing the brevity and value of life and making that the springboard into some kind of major shift or change. (Pg. 3)

Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for them after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. (Pg. 7)

Thoughts that may guide in understanding meaning: (Pg. 7)

1. Meaning is relative and personal.
2. Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after loss.
3. Meaning doesn’t require understanding. It’s not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning.
4. Even when you do find meaning, you won’t feel it was worth the cost of what you lost.
5. Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.
6. Only you can find your own meaning.
7. Meaningful connections will heal painful memories. 

Love and grief are inextricably intertwined. Love and grief come as a package deal. If you love, you will one day know sorrow. (Pg. 9)

Introduction

How effective are resolutions?  Do they work?

Statistics tell us that on average between 64-80% of New Year's resolutions are abandoned in the first 3-weeks of committing to the resolution.

In this podcast we talk about comparison to others and comparison to ourselves versus compassion for self and compassion for others. 

Often New Year’s resolutions can often turn into dissolutions, good intentions can turn into frustrations and aspirations can turn into deflations.  

The word resolution if you break it down is re solution - It means I have to come

up with another solution because the first solution didn’t work.

Time Magazine tells of the Top 10 Failed Resolutions. The top five of these are ones I think we can all relate to….

• Lose Weight and Get Fit 
• Quit Smoking 
• Learn Something New 
• Eat Healthier and Diet 
• Save Money  

However, there are pivot times in lives. The New Year can give us a new start. Our birthdays give us a fresh approach. An anniversary can initiate change.  

These can be helpful to pause and reflect and then project hope but if we are setting ourselves up for failure, we may want to rethink making resolutions. 

If resolutions don’t work, what is the solution?

Thesis: If we change our focus from comparison to compassion, we may set ourselves up to live by our commitments as a lifelong expression of our health not just a temporary resolution.     

Resolutions find their origin in comparison; transformation finds its way in compassion.

There are two ways in which we compare 1. We compare ourselves to others and 2. We compare ourselves to ourselves. 

We compare ourselves to others

Social media sets us up for this. We have a tendency to compare ourselves with others best posts. 

One of the guys in AMG said the social media is “Air B & B” It is the place that people air either their bitching or their bragging.

Posts either are complaining about others or congratulating oneself.

They are either about being the victim or being the victor. 

Illustration - Comparison of finances 

People who are making $30,000 were asked how much more would make them happy and they said if they could make $50,000

People who are making $100,000 said $250,000 would make them happy.

We compare ourselves to ourselves.  

This can be a very cruel process and we can find ourselves really being hard on ourselves.

There is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt = we have done something bad, shame = we are bad. We compare our present self to ourselves of the glory days of the past or the ideal self of the future.  

Resolutions usually are accompanied by the measurement of more. The words ‘more’ and “need to” come into play:

How many more pounds do I need to lose if I am dieting? or

How many more pounds do I need to add if I am weightlifting?

How many more miles do I need to walk or bike to be in better shape?

How many more podcasts do I need to listen to be more informed?

How many more lessons do I need to take to be really good?

How many more times do I need to attend church to be more spiritual?

How many more dollars do I need to make to be content? 

How many more promotions do I need to have to be successful?

How many more pounds, miles, podcasts, lessons, times, dollars, promotions… the list of measurements goes on and on.

The word measurement - me assuring myself it meant something

We can become hard on ourselves for not being where we once were or for not arriving at the place we could be. Measurement keeps us from being in the present moment with ourselves. It is always about comparing the present to what was or what could be.  We are always comparing another time other than the present

Resolutions are based on comparison, either comparison to the success of others or comparing to the vision of our “perfect” selves. 

Such resolutions do not work.  So back to the original question, “What is the solution to resolutions?” 

 The solution is not found in comparison but found in compassion again two types of compassion but in reverse order 1. Compassion for self and 2. Compassion for others.

Compassion for Self 

We cannot help but compare that is why we need compassion.

Compassion doesn’t sound very manly, valiant, macho or ballsy when we first say it but if we really stop and think about the word compassion does stir something deep inside of us.

We actually need two types of compassion (present compassion and intentional compassion)

If we give ourselves compassion, we will find that we would not be so hard on ourselves

If we are kind to ourselves, we will have the kind of life we desire.

If we love ourselves, we will find ways to express this love in what we do. 

Instead of measuring the results look for ways that are pleasurable expressions.

Transform Obligation To Inspiration 

Compassion for Others

Transform Getting into Giving

Just stop for a few seconds here and focus inside on the word ‘compassion’...

            (Hesitate for a count of 5) 

It stirs something in us doesn’t it. Something inside of me starts to look outward for someone in need. 

It is like we are summoning passion. Come passion

Transform getting acknowledged into giving acknowledgment to others.

We can’t give what we don’t have.

If I have compassion for myself, I will have compassion for others. If I love myself and then love others. The key to loving others is to love myself. The key to having compassion for others is to be self-compassionate. 

Some would say that this will lead to narcissism. Actually, just the opposite is true because true self compassion and self-love will always overflow into relationships for it cannot be contained. Narcissism is about keeping it all for self. Self-love cannot be contained. 

Instead of comparison we realize that we are all fellow strugglers on our own journey.  

Conclusion

Compassion is not an arrival point. It is a resolution every day. 

Commit to this solution by stating:

I will make commitments that are not about comparisons to others or to my perfect self. Instead, I will live in compassion and self-love. I will give that compassion and love expression to myself and to others. This is the solution to resolutions. It is not about being more or achieving more. It is about giving expression to who I already am.

In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic.

In this podcast we continue this conversation and give 4 key factors of how to start unlocking our authentic self. 

Michael Kernis and Brian Goldman developed an Authenticity Inventory back in 2000 comprised of four key factors needed for authenticity:

• They came up with a technical description of authenticity as "the unimpeded operation of one's true or core self in one's daily enterprise."

• People who score high in authenticity are also more likely to respond to difficulties with effective coping strategies, rather than resorting to drugs, alcohol, or self-destructive habits.

• They often report having satisfying relationships. They enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and purpose, confidence in mastering challenges, and the ability to follow through in pursuing goals.

• The authentic self isn't always pretty. It's just real.

Authenticity Displayed in Four Key Factors of Activity:

1. Self-awareness: Knowledge of and trust in one's own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities.

2. Unbiased processing: Clarity in evaluating your strengths and your weaknesses without denial or blame. Which is easier said then done.  That where AMG helps me.  

3. Behavior: Acting in ways congruent with your own values and needs, even at the risk of criticism or rejection.

4. Relational orientation: Close relationships, which inherently require openness and honesty.

In this podcast we talk about what it is like to live authentically during the holidays. We reference the 8 qualities and how we personally will look to incorporate these into our holidway experience with friends and family.

8 Qualities of Authenticity: 

1. Curiosity
2. Calm
3. Clarity
4. Connectedness
5. Confidence
6. Courage
7. Creativity
8. Compassion

In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic.

Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world. Adam Grant

Living an authentic life with courage is meeting your fear, looking it in the eye, but diving in anyway because it is how you want to show up for yourself. Brene Brown

The idea of authenticity is a powerful shaping force for individual identity, a functional state, a way of moving through the world.

Authenticity is also a feeling, and research shows it feels awfully good. 

You can counterfeit a Picasso, but can you counterfeit yourself?  Feeling like a fake can be a sign of growth, and clinging too tightly to what feels like one’s authentic self can hinder that growth.

We will know that we are accessing our authentic self when we can access all 8 of these qualities: 

1. Curiosity 

2. Calm

3. Clarity 

4. Connectedness

5. Confidence 

6. Courage 

7. Creativity 

8. Compassion

Regretfully Yours (Part 2) 

The Four Categories of Regret from part 1 are:

1. Foundational Regrets - “If only I had more…”

2. Boldness Regrets - “If only took a risk …”

3. Moral Regret - “If I had that decision back I would have…”

4. Connection Regrets - “If I would have stayed connected to…”

How to Respond to Regret:

1. Be Aware of it (this is what the first podcast was dedicated to)

• Identify them in detail
• Explore why we have them.
• The keys to awareness

2. Express it - Do not deny regrets but express them with a select few trusted confidants.

Disclosing our regrets. Be vulnerable for it:

• Releases some of the burden
• Begins making sense of the process when we begin to articulate
• Creates bonds to others who can relate and empathize. Eliminate isolation for regret grows in isolation.

3.  Embrace it - Make it matter because it does.

• To flippantly let on it doesn’t mean anything is a sure way to have it hang around. 

• We can’t transcend something we don’t embrace.

• Feel the pain but don’t let it turn to shame, acknowledge the hurt but don't let it turn into guilt.
• When we embrace it we can learn to embrace ourselves with self compassion, self- kindness and self-acceptance knowing that we are good men capable of doing things we may regret.

4. Transform it - renew it, reshape it, remold it, redo it, reconstruct it, rebuild it, recast it, reorder it, reframe it, reorganize it, restyle it.  Just ‘re’ it.

• Turn a bad decision into good data.
• Turn a bad decision of something we did into a healthy expression of who we really are.

The Benefits of Regret:

1. Sharpens our decision making skills for the future. “I won’t do that again”

2. Secures our performance on a range of tasks. The more we do the more we get to do but if we let our regrets of the past hold us back we won’t try things which by the way  is one of the four categories of regrets. Don’t measure our worth based on our performance but based on our character. As we often say in AMG. “You are a good man”

3.  Strengthens our sense of meaning and connectedness.  We realize that we all are strugglers. I am a fellow struggle with every other human struggler on the planet.  We are all just trying to find our way and sometimes that way is found through regret.

4. Shows us what we really want in that if we did the opposite of what we regret we would have a sense of fulfillment.  The camera negative

We encourage you to talk about your regrets openly and find the freedom of vulnerability and authenticity.

Regret is one of our most powerful feelings and regrettably one of the most misunderstood.

Regret covers a myriad of circumstances from wishing we would have eaten oatmeal instead of the cinnamon danish this morning for breakfast to feeling remorse for not telling a loved one how much we loved them before they died.

The Four Categories of Regret:

1. Foundational Regrets - did not make choices that give enough stability and security

Not saving enough money or not paying attention to health.

“If only I had more…”

2. Boldness Regrets - did not take a chance on doing something I should have

Starting a business, not asking someone out, not speaking up

“If only took a risk …”

People who took risks and failed still were glad they took the risk because it taught them something

3. Moral Regret - did something they should not have or did not do something they should have

Affairs, bullying, stealing, cheating

“If I had that decision back I would have…”

4. Connection Regrets - did not stay in touch and as a result we drifted apart.

Disassociated with family and/or friends

“If I would have stayed connected to…”

It is not too late to reach out and awkwardness is most often rewarding to those who take the initiative.

Book Overview: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover is a groundbreaking self-help book that challenges the traditional concept of what it means to be a "nice guy" and offers a transformative path for men seeking greater fulfillment and success in their personal and professional lives.

In this insightful and thought-provoking book, Dr. Glover identifies the "Nice Guy Syndrome" as a pattern of behavior that plagues many men who struggle with issues ranging from low self-esteem and relationship problems to career dissatisfaction and a lack of assertiveness. He argues that the traditional beliefs and societal expectations surrounding masculinity have left many men feeling unfulfilled and trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing, seeking validation, and suppressing their true desires and needs.

Drawing from his extensive experience as a therapist and coach, Dr. Glover provides a comprehensive roadmap for men to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start living a more authentic and fulfilling life. He guides readers through a step-by-step process of self-discovery, highlighting the importance of developing healthy boundaries, embracing vulnerability, and taking ownership of one's desires, emotions, and actions.

Through candid personal stories, case studies, and practical exercises, Dr. Glover explores various aspects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, including issues related to sexuality, relationships, work, and personal development. He offers insightful explanations and powerful strategies to help men reclaim their personal power, establish healthy relationships, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" challenges men to confront their fears, confront their self-imposed limitations, and break free from the self-sabotaging patterns that hinder their personal growth. Dr. Glover encourages men to embrace their authenticity, acknowledge their needs, and pursue their passions with confidence and integrity.

This book serves as a wake-up call for men who have spent their lives putting others' needs before their own, and provides them with the tools and mindset necessary to redefine their identities and create a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life. By debunking the myth of the "nice guy" and offering an alternative paradigm for masculinity, Dr. Glover empowers men to step into their true potential and create meaningful connections, success, and happiness on their own terms.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must-read for any man who is ready to break free from the constraints of the Nice Guy Syndrome and embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and personal empowerment. It offers invaluable insights and practical guidance that can help men transform their lives and create lasting change.

Book Overview: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover is a groundbreaking self-help book that challenges the traditional concept of what it means to be a "nice guy" and offers a transformative path for men seeking greater fulfillment and success in their personal and professional lives.

In this insightful and thought-provoking book, Dr. Glover identifies the "Nice Guy Syndrome" as a pattern of behavior that plagues many men who struggle with issues ranging from low self-esteem and relationship problems to career dissatisfaction and a lack of assertiveness. He argues that the traditional beliefs and societal expectations surrounding masculinity have left many men feeling unfulfilled and trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing, seeking validation, and suppressing their true desires and needs.

Drawing from his extensive experience as a therapist and coach, Dr. Glover provides a comprehensive roadmap for men to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start living a more authentic and fulfilling life. He guides readers through a step-by-step process of self-discovery, highlighting the importance of developing healthy boundaries, embracing vulnerability, and taking ownership of one's desires, emotions, and actions.

Through candid personal stories, case studies, and practical exercises, Dr. Glover explores various aspects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, including issues related to sexuality, relationships, work, and personal development. He offers insightful explanations and powerful strategies to help men reclaim their personal power, establish healthy relationships, and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" challenges men to confront their fears, confront their self-imposed limitations, and break free from the self-sabotaging patterns that hinder their personal growth. Dr. Glover encourages men to embrace their authenticity, acknowledge their needs, and pursue their passions with confidence and integrity.

This book serves as a wake-up call for men who have spent their lives putting others' needs before their own, and provides them with the tools and mindset necessary to redefine their identities and create a more fulfilling and purpose-driven life. By debunking the myth of the "nice guy" and offering an alternative paradigm for masculinity, Dr. Glover empowers men to step into their true potential and create meaningful connections, success, and happiness on their own terms.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must-read for any man who is ready to break free from the constraints of the Nice Guy Syndrome and embark on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and personal empowerment. It offers invaluable insights and practical guidance that can help men transform their lives and create lasting change.