PREMIER LEAGUE: Arsenal get over the line in the most Arsenal-y way imaginable. Pep waves goodbye but timing strikes some as odd. Villa does Liverpool a huge favor. Spurs vs West Ham drunken dogfight for the ages goes down to the last day because of course it does.

HALFTIME: What If you are EFL judge, jury and executioner and Southampton (hypothetically) gets caught dead to rights spying on Middlesbrough before a Championship playoff semifinal... what punishment fits the crime?

ROUND THE WORLD: Xabi Alonso and Dear Leader take over at Chelsea and Real Madrid - who lasts longer and is there any way Mourinho's stint ends well? Also, extra spicy MLS minute (and a half)

STOPPAGE TIME: Ivan Toney's Best Bets and GOAWs

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PREMIER LEAGUE: Arsenal take a big, albeit controversial step toward the title with VAR-marred win over West Ham. Tottenham fans have mixed emotions like you read about both that game and disappointing draw with Leeds. Liverpool fans turn on Arne Slot. Bournemouth go 16 straight without a loss. Look ahead to big week of title/relegation-related battles.

ROUND THE WORLD: extra spicy MLS hit-it-n-quit-it minute

STOPPAGE TIME: Ivan Toney's Best Bets and GOAWs

PREMIER LEAGUE: Man City blow golden opportunity to go top in extremely un-Man City fashion. Everton remain an enigma. Bruno and Carrick execute another masterclass, this time on battered Liverpool. Spurs players finally give fans a shred of hope. Arsenal vs West Ham on Sunday is a real conundrum for Tottenham fans.

ROUND THE WORLD: Where does PSG 5-4 Bayern stack up among best games in recent history? What will Arsenal's performance vs Atletico mean for title race?

STOPPAGE TIME: Ivan Toney's Best Bets and GOAWs

PREMIER LEAGUE: clutch wins for all the relegation battlers does not mean the picture has not changed (though s/o to Spurs for losing even when they win). Jarrod Bowen vying to be the difference for West Ham. Arsenal hang on against a checked-out Newcastle. Another Bruno Fernandes masterclass - but what will his legacy be at United?

HALFTIME: Pop Quiz on Ballon d'Or contenders

ROUND THE WORLD: Champions League chatter previewing semifinal 1st legs

STOPPAGE TIME: Ivan Toney's Best Bets and GOAWs

PREMIER LEAGUE: City's win over Arsenal feels like a title decider and Erling Haaland + Gabriel Magalhaes = enemies or frienemies? Leeds, Forest and West Ham know they are in a relegation battle -- unlike Tottenham. Most incredible statistic of all time about LinkedIn Liam's Chelsea squad. Nobody has checked out harder than Newcastle.

HALFTIME: What If we lived in a fascist dictatorship... who on the pod would be the best and worst dictator?

ROUND THE WORLD: US Open Cup feels extra chalky this year and spiciest MLS Minute on record

STOPPAGE TIME: Ivan Toney's Best Bets and GOAWs

PREMIER LEAGUE: this weekend crystallized Arsenal's great fears. City really feeling themselves. Modest vindication for Arne Slot and Mo Salah (and "Rui" Ngamoha). Relegation battle featuring three clubs and one clownshow. Preview of Sunday's all-important Arsenal at City fixture.

HALFTIME: fascism-related weekly what if postponed to next week... stay tuned

ROUND THE WORLD: Champions League chatter - which club has the best and worst chance of overturning their first leg deficit plus an extra spicy MLS hit-it-n-quit-it minute

STOPPAGE TIME: Ivan Toney's Best Bets and GOAWs

PREMIER LEAGUE: Arsenal's quadruple dreams up in smoke - more disappointment to come? Liverpool gets belt-to-assed by City and clock is running out for Arne Slot. Weekend preview featuring critical battles at top (City/Chelsea) and bottom (Leeds, Forest, Spurs and Hammies) of table.

HALFTIME: What If - you controlled Christian Pulisic's social life... do you want him going into the World Cup single and hungry or booed up and comfortable?

ROUND THE WORLD: Champions League chatter plus the spiciest ML Minute yet

STOPPAGE TIME: Ivan Toney's Best Bets and GOAWs

ROUND THE WORLD: Breakdown of USMNT's wasted window f/t belts to ass from Belgium and Portugal. Did we answer ANY questions? Is Poch playing the long game or flailing wildly? What is our best XI right now?

HALFTIME: What If the French national team played in the Premier League... where are they finishing?

PREMIER LEAGUE: What is the best-case scenario for Tottenham's 5-year deal - LOL - for Roberto De Zerbi? Arsenal's (shrewd) shamelessness continues.

STOPPAGE TIME: Ivan Toney's Best Bets and GOAWs

PREMIER LEAGUE: City sends shivers down (some) Arsenal spines with dominant League Cup final win. Tottenham fail yet another must-win test in embarrassing fashion results in massive (and impressive) win for Forest. Tyler reacts to the confirmed and rumored departures of Salah and Slot -- respectively. Laim is losing the plot at Chelsea.

HALFTIME: Pop Quiz on EPL relegation favorites

ROUND THE WORLD: A look ahead at what matters in USMNT vs Belgium and fears of what it could lead to...

STOPPAGE TIME: Ivan Toney's Best Bets and GOAWs

PREMIER LEAGUE: Chelsea's pregame chuddles and thoughts on how performative/gimmicky Rosenior (aka "Liam") is. Sam thinks Spurs are so back (yikes). Huge weekend in title race but another one still to come. Preview of Sunday's twin toilet bowls.

HALFTIME: What If - you played for Morocco and were suddenly * hypothetically * handed the AFCON title two months after the fact... how are you reacting/celebrating?

ROUND THE WORLD: Champions League roundup plus brief thoughts on Poch's USMNT roster

STOPPAGE TIME: Ivan Toney's Best Bets and GOAWs

PREMIER LEAGUE: Tottenham's nightmare midweek and concern that the team's head is not in it; Osula's incredible game-winner for Newcastle; Rob Edwards raises the Whitewalker Wolves... and a look ahead at Liverpool vs Tottenham and Chelsea vs Newcastle

HALFTIME: Pop Quiz on favorites to win the WC26 golden boot

ROUND THE WORLD: Extra spicy MLS Hit-It-N-Quit-It Minute and (double) compliment corner - Everton and Tottenham

STOPPAGE TIME: Ivan Toney's Best Bets and GOAWs