Tony exposes something that will forever change how you hear conversations - including your own. That moment when someone says, 'I feel like you don't care' might not actually be about feelings at all..."

Have you ever said "I feel like this isn't working," when what you really meant was, "I think this isn't working - and I'm scared"? In this eye-opening episode, Tony delves into the subtle but powerful difference between thoughts and feelings, revealing how this common confusion shapes our relationships in unexpected ways.

Through engaging stories from his therapy practice, Tony shows how something as simple as saying "I feel like" when we mean "I think" can accidentally put others on the defensive and hide our true emotions. You'll discover why that matters more than you might think - especially in your closest relationships.

Drawing from both clinical experience and relatable examples (including a story about forgotten tacos at a dinner party), Tony explores:

- Why we often mask our true feelings behind thoughts

- How childhood experiences shape our comfort with emotional expression

- The surprising reason self-compassion feels threatening to many people

- Practical ways to build a richer emotional vocabulary

Once you understand this pattern, you'll start noticing it everywhere - in your conversations, in others' speech, and maybe even in your own internal dialogue. Visit Tony's new website https://tonyoverbay.com for additional resources on emotional intelligence and join his Patreon community at https://patreon.com/virtualcouch for exclusive content and Q&A sessions where you can dive deeper into these insights.

This isn't just another episode about communication - it's about understanding why we hide our true feelings and how to finally express what we really mean.

Find more from Tony Overbay:

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@virtualcouch

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/virtual.couch/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonyoverbaylmft/

Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-virtual-couch/id1275153998

Website: https://www.tonyoverbay.com/ 

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/virtualcouch

00:00 Welcome to The Virtual Couch

00:52 Understanding Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

01:20 Exciting Announcements and Facial Hair

03:07 Unseen Patterns and Hidden Meanings

05:49 The Power of Confirmation Bias

08:58 Thoughts vs. Feelings: A Therapy Insight

17:33 Emotional Vocabulary and Childhood Influences

23:20 Separating Observations from Judgments

24:03 Witness vs. Lawyer: A Car Accident Case

24:44 Applying the Concept to Relationships

25:39 Curiosity Over Judgment

27:15 Workplace Communication

29:37 The Taco Story: A Lesson in Self-Compassion

34:56 The Impact of Self-Criticism

39:13 Embracing Psychological Flexibility

40:57 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Are you tired of the endless pursuit of perfection? Do you question why your self-esteem seems more tied to others' opinions than your own self-worth? In this transformative episode, Tony explores the crucial difference between self-esteem and self-compassion, drawing from Dr. Kristin Neff's groundbreaking research. Through personal experiences and scientific insights, Tony challenges our cultural obsession with self-esteem, revealing why the constant pressure to be "above average" creates an impossible and unhealthy standard for well-being.

Learn how self-compassion offers a more sustainable path to genuine self-acceptance through its three core components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Tony delves into the fascinating neuroscience behind mindfulness practices, explaining how they physically rewire our brains for greater emotional regulation and self-awareness. Drawing from Viktor Frankl's profound insights as a Holocaust survivor and author of "Man's Search for Meaning," Tony illustrates how finding meaning in our struggles can transform our relationship with ourselves and others.

This episode provides both the scientific framework and practical tools needed to develop self-compassion in daily life. Whether you struggle with perfectionism, find yourself caught in comparison traps, or simply want to develop a more stable sense of self-worth, you'll discover why self-compassion offers all the benefits of high self-esteem without its potential downsides. Join Tony as he shares actionable strategies for transforming your relationship with yourself and finding peace in the simple truth that you're not broken - you're human.

00:00 Introduction and Personal Story

01:46 The Therapist's Dilemma: Hope vs. Reality

04:33 Exploring Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion

07:01 The Impact of Comparison and External Validation

11:02 Value-Based Goal Setting and Radical Acceptance

13:08 Parental Support and Secure Attachment

15:25 Listener Insights on Self-Esteem

16:32 Embracing Self-Compassion

23:22 Seeking Validation and Self-Compassion

24:16 Confessions of an Ultramarathoner

26:18 Accepting Mediocrity in Running

29:19 The Power of Self-Compassion

33:25 Mindfulness and Self-Kindness

35:19 A Personal Podcasting Challenge

39:21 Viktor Frankl's Wisdom on Meaning

45:23 The Journey of Self-Compassion

Tony delves into smiling depression, medication, and natural ways to improve brain chemistry, Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD), formerly known as dysthymia- and much more! NOTE - Tony is not a doctor, and he shares a helpful way of how medications work that was explained to him, including what neurotransmitters are. What roles do serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, GABA, and glutamate play in one's mental health, and why do so many of the medications involve “reuptaking,” and what does that mean? Tony’s advice is not to be viewed as a replacement for medical advice; he strongly recommends that people meet regularly with their doctor for medical advice. 

Tony explores the differences between various mental health conditions like PDD, OCD, NPD, and more. He also explores the historical context of dysthymia, the changes in diagnostic criteria with the release of DSM-5, the significance of moving the diagnosis from a personality disorder to a mood disorder, and how the two differ. 

Additionally, we will discuss treatment options, including therapy and medication, and more practical advice for those struggling with chronic low-grade depression. 

This episode is packed with insights and is a perfect listen before Thanksgiving for some psychological fun facts to share around the family table.

Find more from Tony Overbay:

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@virtualcouch 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/virtual.couch/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonyoverbaylmft/

Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-virtual-couch/id1275153998

Website: https://www.tonyoverbay.com/ 

Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch

Chapters:

00:00 Decoding the Alphabet Soup of Mental Health

02:12 Introduction to the Podcast and Host

02:38 Understanding Dysthymia & Persistent Depressive Disorder

04:44 DSM & ICD: Mental Health Diagnostic Tools

15:54 Personality Disorders vs. Mood Disorders

22:51 Exploring the History & Impact of Dysthymia

25:41 Causes and Management of Persistent Depressive Disorder

28:24 Role of a Muse in Self-Discovery

29:02 Impact of Stress on Mental Health

29:13 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

29:33 Understanding Your Emotions

30:28 Treating Persistent Depressive Disorder

31:36 Science Behind Neurotransmitters

33:43 How Reuptake Inhibitors Work

45:50 Natural Ways to Improve Brain Chemistry

47:17 Understanding Dysthymia

51:07 Your Journey of Personal Growth

Tony welcomes guests Nate and Marla Christensen to discuss the concept of self-compassion. Nate is an ALPC, and Marla is an ALPC and AMFT. They delve into the groundbreaking research of Kristen Neff, who has spent 20 years studying the benefits of self-compassion, including its effects on PTSD, anxiety, depression, and overall mental health. The episode explores the three main components of self-compassion—mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity—and addresses common misconceptions such as self-compassion being viewed as weakness, self-indulgence, or selfishness. They share personal insights and clinical experiences, making a compelling case for incorporating self-compassion into daily life and therapy. Nate and Marla are both currently working under Tony's license, and both currently have openings in their schedule. To reach Nate, email him at [email protected], and for Marla, email [email protected], or you can contact them through Tony at [email protected]. You can view Nate and Marla's episode on LeadingSaints.org here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=0f9P-Xk5ZaE

00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview

02:46 Guest Introduction: Nate and Marla Christensen

02:53 Discussing Self-Compassion

03:45 Nate and Marla's Professional Background

08:16 The Importance of Self-Compassion

14:25 Common Misconceptions About Self-Compassion

17:04 Scientific Insights on Self-Compassion

25:25 Historical Context and Recent Research

27:27 Exploring Self-Compassion

28:32 Understanding Mindfulness

30:59 Practicing Self-Kindness

32:52 Embracing Common Humanity

34:58 Motivation Through Self-Compassion

35:53 Challenges in Self-Compassion

39:14 Cultural Perspectives on Compassion

41:11 Reparenting and Emotional Maturity

45:52 Final Thoughts and Reflections

Have you ever wondered why your aging parent suddenly needs to arrive an hour early for everything? Or why, after knowing them your entire life, they suddenly appear to be trying to exert control and order at a level that you’ve never experienced? In today’s episode of The Virtual Couch podcast, Tony Overbay, LMFT, takes us on a fascinating journey through the human brain, starting with the incredible story of Phineas Gage - the man who survived an iron rod through his head and lived to tell the tale (though he wasn't quite the same person afterward).

From there, he dives into something most all of us are impacted by, either directly or through someone that we care about - anxiety. But not just any anxiety - we're talking about why our caveman's brains are still trying to protect us from tigers in the parking lot and how this shows up differently as we age. Tony breaks down the fundamental differences between normal aging, dementia, and Alzheimer's in a way that finally makes sense.

Tony then breaks down a listener's email about their father’s increasingly anxious behaviors. Tony unpacks powerful tools for handling these delicate family situations. Tony introduces the acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) principle of psychological flexibility (think yoga for your emotions) and shares David Schnarch's “4 Points of Balance” to becoming more differentiated, which helps you maintain your sanity while staying connected to those you love.

Tony explains Schnarch’s 'crucible' as the transformative space where relationships grow or crack under pressure. Whether you're dealing with an aging parent, a challenging relationship, or just trying to understand why people do what they do, this episode offers the “why” behind our anxious and controlling behaviors and practical ways to navigate life's complicated relationships without losing yourself.

00:00 The Incredible Story of Phineas Gage

04:04 Introduction to the Virtual Couch

05:38 Listener's Email: Concerns About Aging Parent

07:40 Understanding Anxiety and Its Evolution

14:57 Distinguishing Dementia and Alzheimer's

17:33 Coping with Aging and Anxiety

24:50 Practical Advice for Managing Anxiety

24:59 Reframing Perspectives

25:09 Empathy and Understanding

25:25 Intentional Conversations

25:55 Meeting Halfway

26:12 Choosing Your Battles

26:54 Boundaries vs Ultimatums

27:12 Psychological Reactance

30:22 Differentiation and Emotional Autonomy

32:57 Four Points of Balance

38:30 Constructing Your Crucible

44:43 Final Thoughts and Takeaways

To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch

Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course

Please follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/ 

Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit 

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

Tony Overbay, LMFT explores themes of faith journeys, parental expectations, communication, differentiation, and self-discovery through an allegorical story titled 'Off the Beaten Path: Finding Love and Self in a World of Conformity.' The narrative follows a young man named Ansel, who grapples with societal expectations, familial pressures, and his journey toward self-acceptance. Through meaningful encounters and introspection, Ansel learns to embrace his individuality amidst traditional, religious, and cultural norms. This episode also highlights the importance of personal integrity the challenges of navigating faith and family systems, and encourages listeners to explore their unique talents and values. Tony invites the audience to share their stories and questions about their own faith and family journeys for future episodes.

00:00 Welcome and Introduction

01:17 “Not My Job” song by: Riley Hope

02:48 The Power of Writing and Poetry

05:26 Exploring Allegories

06:44 Off the Beaten Path: Ansul's Journey Begins

12:14 Ansul's Struggles and Self-Discovery

16:17 Meeting Maris: A New Connection

17:52 Seeking Guidance: Ansul's Dilemma

18:31 Ansul's Realization and Self-Acceptance

19:00 Building a Relationship with Maris

20:42 Themes of the Allegory: Individuality vs. Conformity

22:32 Exploring Faith and Doubt

22:53 Coming of Age and Self-Discovery

23:30 Truth, Knowledge, and Intergenerational Expectations

25:34 Curiosity, Love, and Acceptance

26:38 Personal Growth Through Discomfort

27:19 Diversity of Thought and Self-Acceptance

29:24 Navigating Difficult Journeys of Faith and Family

31:00 Encouragement for Personal Growth and Authenticity

33:02 Conclusion and Call to Action

To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch

Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course

Please follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/ 

Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit 

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

McKinley “Mackie” Overbay, host of “The Mind, the Mirror, and Me,” and Tony Overbay, LMFT, return after a significant hiatus to discuss numerous life updates, including their recent move to Arizona and Mackie's health journey with Hashimoto's disease. They delve into the struggles and triumphs of losing 55 pounds, the importance of self-love, and the necessity of balancing mind and body health. The conversation touches on the challenges of diet, exercise, meditation, and maintaining consistency. It's a candid look at personal transformation, resilience, and the importance of understanding and caring for oneself amidst life's unpredictable challenges.

00:00 Introduction and Opening Banter

00:25 Welcome Back and New Beginnings

01:18 Social Media and Personal Updates

03:21 Discussing Past Episodes and Themes

05:25 Weight Loss Journey and Health Challenges

07:25 Understanding Hashimoto's Disease

11:21 Reflections on Self-Worth and Body Image

14:20 Diet Changes and Lifestyle Adjustments

24:18 Thyroid Health and Medical Insights

27:56 Understanding Perimenopause and Hormonal Changes

28:16 Unexpected Balloon Incident

28:54 Recognizing and Addressing Health Issues

30:39 The Journey to Diagnosis

32:13 Lifestyle Changes and Their Impact

34:21 The Importance of Consistency and Motivation

35:51 Managing Inflammation and Dietary Adjustments

37:21 Exercise and Weight Loss Strategies

39:37 The Role of Meditation and Mindfulness

48:14 Embracing Self-Worth and Positivity

53:02 Concluding Thoughts and Reflections

To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch

Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course

Please follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/ 

Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit 

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

Do you find yourself constantly putting others' needs before your own? Have you ever wondered if being "too kind" could actually be harmful to your relationships and well-being? In today’s crossover episode - Tony Overbay, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explores the complex concept of pathological kindness in relationships. Through a listener's letter from 'Cleo,' Tony delves into the challenges faced by those who prioritize others' needs to their detriment, often rooted in childhood experiences of being the family peacemaker. Cleo's story highlights issues with her emotionally inconsistent partner, Ray, unveiling the struggles of living with someone emotionally immature or narcissistic. Tony discusses recognizing these patterns, including the role of cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding in maintaining unhealthy relationships. He explores how highly sensitive people (HSPs) may be particularly vulnerable to these dynamics. The episode emphasizes the importance of developing a stable core identity, setting boundaries, and balancing kindness with self-care. Tony also touches on the challenges of breaking free from intermittent reinforcement in relationships and recognizing and trusting one's own perceptions. He stresses the role of therapy and self-awareness in breaking free from unhealthy cycles and fostering emotionally mature relationships while also offering hope to those who recognize themselves as the emotionally immature partner and want to change.

00:00 Introduction and Podcast Promotion

01:19 Introducing Cleo's Story

03:16 Cleo's Relationship Struggles

10:38 Understanding Pathological Kindness

16:28 The Impact of Pathological Kindness

21:36 Balancing Kindness and Self-Care

25:09 Exploring Self-Reliance and Its Pitfalls

25:24 The Dual Nature of Optimism

25:40 Understanding Humility and Self-Deprecation

26:26 The Complexities of Honesty

27:09 Patience vs. Passivity

27:24 Competence and Arrogance

28:00 Cleo's Relationship with Ray

29:04 The Struggle of Highly Sensitive People

29:48 The Challenge of Leaving Toxic Relationships

33:23 The Cognitive Dissonance and Trauma Bonding

45:04 The Importance of Self-Care and Boundaries

46:03 Encouragement for Personal Growth

To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch

Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course

Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

And visit 

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that g

Tony talks with musician Ian McConnell. Ian kicks off his “Primary Source” tour this Thursday, August 15th, in Dallas, TX, and will visit 25 more spots around the country (tickets for Ian’s “Primary Source” tour can be purchased through his website https://www.ianmcconnellmusic.com). Ian opens up about his journey in the music industry, touring experiences, and personal struggles. They discuss everything from car troubles and pandemic life to faith deconstruction and mental health therapy. Ian shares his approach to writing meaningful songs that resonate with listeners, his views on human purpose, and the emotional highs and lows of social media success. The episode offers a deep dive into Ian's creative process and the challenges of maintaining authenticity and self-care in a demanding industry. Tune in for an introspective and engaging conversation on living a good life, mental health, and the power of music. You can find Ian on all popular social media platforms. 

00:00 Introduction and Casual Conversation

00:38 Desert Life and Moving to Phoenix

01:20 Touring Experiences and Plans

02:59 Existential Crisis and Songwriting

04:09 Faith Deconstruction and Personal Growth

06:45 The Pursuit of Happiness and Validation

15:41 Nashville and Country Music Journey

24:09 Pandemic Challenges and TikTok Success

25:35 Diving into Music and Social Media

26:30 Navigating Roommate Tensions and Relationships

27:26 Exploring Emotional Immaturity and People-Pleasing

30:50 The Rush of Social Media Fame

31:40 Creating Music Independently

34:02 Reflecting on Mental Health and Therapy

35:23 Releasing Music Like a TV Show

37:34 Analyzing Lyrics and Personal Experiences

45:56 The Joy and Nerves of Performing Live

46:57 Wrapping Up and Future Plans

To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch

Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course

Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384

Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. 

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

And visit 

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

Tony Overbay, LMFT, tackles an emotion we've all felt but rarely discuss: shame. Have you ever wondered why shame feels so personal, so all-consuming? Could it be that shame is actually... selfish?

Inspired by a pivotal scene from the Apple TV series 'Presumed Innocent', Tony unravels the tangled web of shame and guilt. He asks: What if our shame is holding us back more than we realize? Is it possible that by focusing on our shame, we're actually being self-absorbed?

Tony dives deep into the origins of these complex emotions and their surprising impacts on our personal growth and relationships. He offers practical strategies for recognizing and overcoming shame, emphasizing the power of self-awareness and acceptance. 

But here's the kicker - what if shame isn't just about you? Tony explores how understanding shame can transform our empathy and support for others. He challenges listeners to question: Are we using shame as a shield when it's actually a barrier to genuine connection?

Whether you're grappling with your own feelings of shame or trying to support someone who is, this episode promises insights that could change how you view yourself and others. Ready to unmask shame and discover a path to authentic self-esteem? 

In this episode of 'The Virtual Couch,' host Tony Overbay shares his transformative epiphany from watching the Apple TV series 'Presumed Innocent.' He dives into the profound distinctions between shame and guilt, using a key scene from the show as a focal point. Tony explores how these concepts relate to personal growth and therapy, offering practical tools and insights to help listeners better understand and manage their own experiences with shame. This episode aims to foster a healthier relationship with oneself and promote emotional awareness and self-compassion.

00:00 Introduction and Epiphany

00:51 Setting the Stage: Presumed Innocent

01:53 The Epiphany: Guilt vs. Shame

02:39 Exploring Discomfort and Reactions

04:20 Understanding Shame and Its Origins

07:38 The Selfishness of Shame

19:30 Implicit Memory and Thought Patterns

25:59 Transforming Negative Thoughts

26:24 Creating Space for Positive Experiences

27:30 The Journey of Changing Your Internal Landscape

29:36 Understanding and Managing Discomfort

32:01 The Concept of First and Second Darts

32:49 Stages of Growth and Self-Awareness

39:12 The Role of Shame and Guilt

42:42 Applying Compassion and Empathy

45:13 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Who are you? How do others view you? And why do we care so much about what others think of us, especially when they probably aren't spending as much time thinking about us as we think they are? When they do think about us, they see us through their own lens. It’s time to discover who you are. So, how exactly do you do that?

Tony Overbay, LMFT, reads a heartfelt letter from a long-time listener, Jamie, who struggles with issues in her marriage and recognizes patterns from her childhood that affect how she interacts with her spouse and children. Tony explores the concept of the 'Looking Glass Self' by Charles Horton Cooley, discussing how our self-identity is shaped by our perceptions of how others view us. He uses examples from listeners and clients to explain how these early experiences impact our self-esteem and relationships. Tony introduces the modern-day concept of the 'reflected sense of self' from David Schnarch's theories of differentiation and provides practical advice on overcoming the need for external validation, forming healthier attachments, and developing a stable self-identity.

Join Tony as he navigates these deep psychological concepts and offers insights into creating more emotionally secure and fulfilling connections.

00:00 Listener's Heartfelt Letter

02:31 Introduction to Episode 424

03:10 Exploring the Concept of the Mirror

03:29 Charles Horton Cooley and the Looking Glass Self

09:00 Real-Life Examples of the Looking Glass Self

16:16 Differentiation and Emotional Independence

16:57 Balancing Connection and Individuality

18:47 The Reflected Sense of Self

27:00 Understanding Identity and Self-Worth

27:55 The Role of External Validation

29:25 Parent-Child Dynamics and Conditional Love

30:53 Emotional Neglect and Its Impact

33:21 Attachment Styles and Emotional Support

40:13 The Concept of Shame and Guilt

46:26 Overcoming Childhood Wounds

49:35 Final Thoughts and Encouragement