In the wake of Cyclone Gabrielle, many parents are facing a loss of home or livelihood or, at the every least, a massive cleanup. So what do you say to children about all of this ? Katy Gosset takes a look at how to calm their fears.

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In the wake of Cyclone Gabrielle, many parents are facing a loss of home or livelihood or, at the very least, a massive cleanup. So what do you say to children about all of this ? Katy Gosset takes a look at how to calm their fears.

Sarah* says her 10-year-old son Nate* "feels all these emotions and he feels them really big".

Since Cyclone Gabrielle struck there have been "a few more outbursts" and he recently asked her: "What's going to happen when I die?"

"He's a lot more aware of the lives lost," she said.

Sarah's family lives close to the Tukituki River near Haumoana in Hawke's Bay and made a hasty evacuation, swimming from their home as flood waters rose.

"The water was lapping at the deck to the house. It was rushing in, so we really thought that we'd lost the house."

Luckily the water stopped short, getting within 50mm of flooding the house but sheds and outbuildings have all been damaged.

For Jane's* family on the inland road between Gisborne and Wairoa, their home is undamaged but the road to Gisborne is washed out and a trip to town now means a journey over a makeshift track.

Her daughter, who has just started Year 9, cannot get to high school and Jane is worried about the impact academically and socially.

''It's scary. I'm scared especially for my high school girl. I'm not sure where we're going to go from here."

And then there is their livelihood.

"We're on a farm. Are we going to get our stock out? How are we going to do that? And I guess that stress is also probably reflected back on the kids a little bit too.''

For both families, there is stress and the challenge of knowing what to tell children and how to alleviate their fears.

Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher says it is important to make time to listen to children's worries. On Are We There Yet? she discusses how to help kids make sense of it all.

Tips for parents

- Get the basics sorted: food, shelter and making sure you are safe.

"That stuff really matters because if we are not feeling safe, then some of that higher level thinking and wondering and worrying actually doesn't count because our systems aren't settled enough to take that on board," Gallagher says.

- Look after yourself and keep calm to better help your children…

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Our children are growing up and venturing out into the big wide world on their own or with friends. Katy Gosset looks at how we manage our own anxiety and let our children spread their wings.

What price freedom ? Our children are growing up and venturing out into the big wide world on their own or with friends. Katy Gosset looks at how we manage our own anxiety and let our children spread their wings.

Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.

Ellen* is the first to describe herself as 'a bit of a worrier'.

''I'm the parent that's scared of vans pulling up near my children, you know child abductions."

As they've got older she's less stressed about it but she does monitor her children's phones - with their consent.

''I like to be able to track where they're going on their phones. They've never had a problem with that because they know that I'm a little bit paranoid."

She's happy that her ex-partner does plenty of outdoor and riskier activities with them while she 'grits her teeth'

" are really nice about it but it's definitely something I've had to work on as a parent.''

And Laura* has been going through the same thing with her teenage son who has been brought up in a rural setting but is beginning to explore the city.

"Initially that was quite unnerving for me because you just never know what he's going to come across when he's wandering around the central city by himself."

And then there's the drinking culture.

''The biggest challenge we've had over the last 12 months with him is alcohol. He's in a situation where he's going to parties where people are drinking and drinking heavily at 15 and 16.''

At a recent party Laura allowed him to take two drinks and a post-party debrief showed that was a good compromise.

"He was happy that that's all he'd taken and he'd seen how ridiculous people got. He was very mature about it. I kind of have a bit of faith in him in that sense that he does make the right decisions."

In fact, knowing what to allow at what age is a tough one for any parent to navigate.

Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said children inevitably changed as they got older.

''When is the right time and around what issues are we going to change with our kids?"

"That gets complicated. Whoever said this parenting gig wasn't complicated was probably lying.''…

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Whether it's potty talk or the f-bomb, kids will eventually say something offensive. How do we decide what's unacceptable and what to let slide? Katy Gosset looks at swearing and its subtleties.

Whether it's potty talk or the f-bomb sooner or later our kids are probably going to say something offensive. How do we decide what's unacceptable in our homes and what we're prepared to let slide?

Katy Gosset takes a look at swearing and its subtleties.

And yes, a little warning - the audio contains some swearing!

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Rhiannon's* son, Luke*, has well and truly discovered 'the f-word'.

At age 15, it's very much his means of expressing himself, sometimes 'with a bang or thump of irritation on the wall'.

And while he hasn't specifically sworn at her, Rhiannon is concerned by how often the word comes out.

'It's mostly 'Oh for f-'s sake'. Quite often directed at his little sister: 'Oh you're such an effing b_."

In Melissa's case, it came out when she was least expecting it, on a shopping trip with her two-year-old.

''Calling me 'an effing f-er' in the middle of the supermarket once. It was one of those moments when it just boomed across the whole place. Everyone went silent and all you could hear was him swearing.''

Maeve's* kids are also young so she's still contending with 'things like "poo bum", you know all that potty language.'

It's not what any of these Mums want to be hearing.

Still, clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, says swearing is all relative.

''Swearing means different things to different people. For some, it's an absolute no. For others, there's a time and a place and for others, well, there's always a time and a place.''

While it was not possible to completely control children's swearing, parents could learn to manage and reduce its use, particularly in the home.

It was partly because swearing was such a trigger for some parents that it had become a great way to get a reaction.

''Kids are going to be exposed to different influences and if you react big time then in a child's mind it becomes an even bigger trump card to pull out when they're angry and they want a reaction.''

Don't mention the swearing

Of course, it's tempting to just ignore it and rise above the provocation. Easier said than done.

Gallagher warned it only worked if parents were genuinely ignoring the swearing rather than just pretending…

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Where does self-confidence come from ? Some children are bursting with it while an absence of it holds others back. Katy Gosset finds confidence is a learned behaviour that any of us can tap into.

Everyone wants it for their kids but where does self-confidence actually come from? Some children seem to be bursting with it while an absence of it holds others back. Katy Gosset finds confidence is a learned behaviour that any of us - parents included- can tap into.

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Sally's* son James* has always been one of the best runners in his year. In fact, he usually wins most races.

But lately, he hasn't wanted to try.

Sally thinks a sense of expectation from others that he would win has sapped his confidence.

"I tried lots of encouragement, reminding him that it didn't really matter if he won the race or not. It was just, kind of, doing your best."

"But I just felt it got to the point where he thought it was more fun to just run with his friends and not have that expectation on him."

Her other two children went through similar phases.

"Definitely, I think all three of them had confidence issues."

The quest for confidence

Confidence in children can seem like the holy grail for concerned parents.

So why do some kids lack this elusive quality while others appear bulletproof?

Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, said many parents believed confidence was innate.

"We often hear people described as either confident or not confident as if it's a thing we're born with."

Instead, it was a learned behaviour and could fluctuate throughout a person's life.

"Some might seem like they were born with an in-built Teflon shield to repel the opinions of others and the difficulties life might throw at them."

However, rather than having an excess of some quality, it was more likely that they simply lacked anxiety 'which is often the thing that holds us back or saps our energy.'

Most people had a kind of internal alarm system that went off in the presence of danger but that same alarm could be triggered by normal life challenges, Gallagher explained.

''The frustration we feel when we're struggling with a problem or which we visibly see when we see a baby struggling to roll over or pull themselves up, it actually serves a purpose.''

When a person faced any kind of challenge, their brain tried to draw upon a similar experience to model what to do next, Gallagher said…

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How do we get children to help out around the house without asking them 100 times? Or do we just give in and end up being a slave to our kids. Katy Gosset looks at whether there's a better way.

How do we get children to help out around the house without asking them 100 times ? Or do we just give in and end up being a slave to our kids. Katy Gosset looks at whether there's a better way.

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It's one of the things Sam* finds hardest about parenthood: 'asking your kids to do things over and over again.'

Cue a collective sigh of sympathy from parents because (let's face it) we've all been there.

But even if it's an uphill battle most parents stick at it because they believe chores are part of family life.

''We're not their slaves. We expect them to participate in the household,' Sam said.

All the more so when the family is large, like Alison's*.

"I do say fairly often that I was not put on this earth to look after six people constantly."

As a result she has a three week roster, where children alternate filling and emptying the dishwasher, setting and clearing tables and putting out rubbish.

But there can still be resistance.

"Especially if it's something that's an outside job, you know you get the whole 'Oh I don't want to go outside because it's cold'."

So it's a relief to hear that, despite all the moaning, it's worth our efforts to persevere.

Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said all young people needed chores and things to be responsible for.

"It's good for them both in that moment and it also helps them grow into people that can eventually leave home and function with some semblance of independence on their own."

It also prepared them for the sometimes mundane realities of life.

''I think it's really important because it helps out but it's also about, how do they actually do some frustrating, boring things because that's kind of life."

Gallagher acknowledged that children wouldn't always share that view.

"It would be kind of weird if they did. Why would I stop doing what I enjoy doing and go and set the table?"

Part of the issue was that children were susceptible to the 'problem of immediate gratification' or PIG, she said. "In fact, some adults are still pretty vulnerable to that as well, just saying."

Children needed help to shift from the immediate gratification of whatever game or activity they had been doing to a new task, she said…

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"It's not fair!" Kids say it. We deny it. But how do we actually teach our children about fairness. And should life even be fair ? Katy Gosset looks at one of parenting's prickly issues.

"Ít's not fair !" Kids say it . We deny it. But how do we actually teach our children about fairness. And should life even be fair ? Katy Gosset looks at one of parenting's prickly issues.

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Joanna's son has been invited to a birthday party but his sister doesn't understand why she can't go too.

"So that's not fair in her eyes."

Welcome to the world of children. All things should be equal or at least fair, shouldn't they ?

Not really.

It's one of the first harsh lessons in life for kids.

Most parents attempt to create an environment in which children are treated fairly.

"I do make an effort to spend time with each of them. Doesn't always work but that's the goal," Joanna said.

But children are very attune to any disparity and hence that catch cry of childhood, "It's not fair!"

Clinical psychologist and mother of two, Catherine Gallagher, is no stranger to it herself.

"That cry is so familiar as a parent but it can also strike fear into our hearts because what if they're right?"

But what if things aren't meant to be entirely fair ?

In the past, fairness between siblings was less common with boys, particularly older ones, receiving many benefits, Gallagher said.

Whilst she didn't advocate a return to 'male privilege', she believed the pendulum had now swung too far in the other direction, creating a situation where no one was left disappointed or having to wait for anything.

In some cases schools were running classes to prepare children for the fact that they might not get an award, she said.

"The pendulum is out of hand."

Daring to be (just a bit) unfair

Many parents believed coping with unfairness was somehow harmful to a child, Gallagher said. In fact it was character-building.

A good approach was to create a 'middle ground where we typically get what we need, sometimes get what we want, but actually we also have to deal with the fact that someone else is getting something we're not.'

To learn this lesson it was important that life had some unfairness in it, she said.

"Because someone's getting the job and someone won't. In a race someone actually worked really hard to win that race and if you're last, that doesn't make you a lesser person, it just makes you not so fast."…

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How do you help children cope with a life-threatening incident? And what if you're stressed yourself? Katy Gosset looks at the far reaching emotional effects of the Canterbury earthquakes.

How do you help children cope with a life-threatening incident? And what if you're stressed yourself?

Katy Gosset looks at the far-reaching emotional effects of the Canterbury earthquakes.

Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.

It's been ten years.

And yet when the earth shifts even just a little bit, 11-year-old Ella* still freezes.

"She panics. You see every part of her tense and she doesn't say anything."

"She goes quiet, but you can just see the fear, the absolute fear in her eyes," her mother, Amelia* said.

The magnitude 7.1 earthquake on September 4 2010 began a series of tremors that dogged the Canterbury region.

The most prominent: a 6.2 quake on February 22 2011 that claimed 185 lives.

Ella was almost two when it all began and seemed initially unfazed but, as time went on, the anxiety began to emerge.

Amelia recalled her daughter's reaction during the Valentine's Day quake in February 2016.

"I looked at her and she went white. She froze and she said, 'I want to be sick.'"

It's a similar story for Margaret whose four daughters all struggled to cope with the ongoing earthquake sequence.

"They were quite traumatised. Being a massive earthquake it was quite scary and it took a long time to settle down."

So much so that, even a decade on, reactions remain acute.

"They're quite fragile around them. They don't even like you mentioning the earthquakes."

"They're older but I noticed that the other day when we had that earthquake, I still gave my 18-year-old a cuddle because she was actually physically shaking. So it's still there by a long way."

The girls are part of a cohort of Christchurch children who've grown up amidst constant aftershocks and life changes.

When Christchurch clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher takes a developmental history from a new client, a chat about the quakes is now standard procedure.

"Talking about their responses to the earthquake and what's happened for them and their families has become just part of that conversation."

Gallagher has seen numerous children affected by the quakes and even ten years on, they are still presenting with related issues.

"It might have become more, over time, just a diffuse sense of not feeling quite settled and safe. …

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How are New Zealanders coping with the Covid-19 lockdown? Who better to ask than frazzled parents who are juggling kids, school work and jobs ? Katy Gosset looks at family life under lockdown.

A week in, how are New Zealanders coping with the Covid-19 lockdown? Who better to ask than frazzled parents who are juggling kids, school work and their own jobs ? Katy Gosset looks at family life under lockdown.

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Alice has just caught her young son sneaking out the gate

It's been less than a week since the lockdown began and her children still don't really understand why they can't visit their friends anymore.

As I distract Alice with a phone interview on this very topic, she spots her son making a break for it and calls to him to return.

"You're not allowed out there. We can't go and play with the neighbours."

Alice's children, like most, have had a simple crash course in Covid 19.

"We started saying that it was a four-week holiday but then we had to introduce the word 'lockdown' and we said that is to stop the bug spreading around the world."

Family life has had to carry on but it's not as we know it and for Alice it has been challenging.

"When I was listening to Jacinda Ardern announce that we were going into Level 4 I think the enormity of it hit me and I definitely felt quite emotional."

The children have already brainstormed their ideas for the month: everything from nature walks, art and gardening to building huts and cooking outside on the brazier.

So Alice, who is self-employed, has shelved her small business to corral the kids while her husband works from home.

But she plans to allow a few things she can control into her own day like walking or reading a book.

"Whatever that is, just making sure that we create some choices in our life so that we feel in control and that's really going to help with our levels of anxiety."

Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, agrees these are 'really strange times' and that maintaining some sense of control is the key to managing stressful events.

"When there are things that make life uncertain and that we cannot control, turning our focus to those things that we can control reminds us that we still have some power and influence.

''This helps us settle and feel safer," Ms Gallagher said.

But she reminded parents there were ways they could help their children adapt to the 'new normal', including acknowledging emotions…

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Porn is everywhere and very available. You can bet your child has come across it somewhere online - or will soon. Katy Gosset asks: how do we work through our own awkwardness and start conversations about it with our kids?

Pornography is everywhere and more children are seeing it than ever before. Katy Gosset looks at why we need to talk to kids about porn and how we start the conversation.

Listen to the episode here

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Rhonda* is the only woman in her household

"Even the ruddy dog is male."

And with two teenage sons, she's learnt to be open about the topics that come up including sex or body image.

Although it's fallen to her husband to field the trickier questions about penis size.

"Well, they see things and then they go, 'What's normal?'"

Some of those things teenage boys are seeing are unrealistic images of both bodies and sexual behaviour portrayed in increasingly pervasive online pornography.

Rhonda's son, Nate*, was encouraged to view pornography by a more mature friend and was embarrassed when his mother discovered it on his computer.

Rhonda and her husband explained that pornography didn't depict real relationships and it wasn't appropriate for him to view sexual material until he was sexually active.

But, at least they're talking about it.

Eliza's* teenage boys simply don't want to know.

"I've had that kind of conversation but, you know, they just go, 'Aarrhhh, I don't want to hear that from you.' So those conversations are very short. It's very much in passing."

Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, said talking about pornography with children was vital.

"My main message to you is at least have these discussions with your kids."

"They're going to be traversing these issues as they develop so to leave them to sort it out for themselves might be a really risky strategy."

Ms Gallagher said the discussion should be part of the broader conversation about sex and positive sexuality rather than a topic in isolation.

"This can help children see where your values come from and can give them some anchor points to form their own opinions from."

It was important not to convey viewpoints too rigidly as Ms Gallagher said children were unlikely to start a conversation about a topic they believed was taboo for a parent.

"If I have such a strong emotional response to why porn is wrong or porn is right, a child knowing that's not a conversation to start up." …

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When parents lose the plot ! Most of us can think of times when we've shouted at our child, ranted and potentially failed as 'Parent of the Year' contestants. Katy Gosset looks at why we lose our rag and what we can do to prevent it

Most of us can think of times when we've shouted at our child, ranted and potentially failed as 'Parent of the Year' contestants. Katy Gosset looks at why we lose our rag and what we can do to prevent it.

Listen to the episode here

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Every so often Annette* imagines being a 'Stepford Wife'.

"I wake up every morning and I think 'I'm going to have a day today where I don't yell at everyone.

"We're going to have a lovely, happy 'Stepford Wives' day today."

She's joking but it's kind of a goal, none the less.

"I would love to not lose it. I yell far too much."

Because with both high school and primary aged children, life can be intense.

"Sometimes I sit in the corner and rock and cry. Occasionally I lock myself in the bathroom and cry, so they don't see it."

Clinical psychologist (and mother of two), Catherine Gallagher, is the first to admit that losing your rag can feel good.

"You have to admit it, it's bloody satisfying."

Like many behaviours parents worried about, having a tantrum was normal, she said.

"It's OK to get angry. Our children need to know that their behaviour has an impact and that we're humans and we have negative feelings too."

"Our challenge as parents is to try and stay in as much control as possible."

Ms Gallagher admitted that in her early, pre-children, days as a psychologist she sometimes struggled to understand the difficulties parents faced in managing children.

"I was thinking 'Well, just be calm. This is the plan. Why aren't we doing this?"

"Then I had kids of my own."

And it all became clear.

"I've never yelled at anyone the way I yell at my children."

So why do parents get so wound up by their kids?

Ms Gallagher said it was helpful to look at the many things that led up to a parental 'tantrum'.

Exhibit A was the images of family life, as found in glossy magazines, advertisements and on Facebook

"It's all blissful smiles, a look of competence, well behaved children.

"In reality it's tiring, hugely challenging and, more often than not, our children are covered in mud or snot or staring at us in defiance. That's actually the stuff of life."…

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Why do some kids get an iphone 10 while others get a no-frills hand me down ? We teach our children that they can do or have anything but sometimes the parental purse says otherwise. Katy Gosset looks at how to help kids navigate financial disparities.

Why do some kids get an iphone 10 while others get a no-frills hand me down ? We teach our children that they can do or have anything but sometimes the parental purse says otherwise. Katy Gosset looks at how to help kids navigate financial disparities.

Listen to the episode here

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Lorraine's* son, Josh* is like most teenage boys: keen to fit in, right down to his footwear.

" wouldn't want to be wearing something that was the wrong type of shoe. It wouldn't have to be Nike but if they were all wearing short socks he'd want to be wearing short socks", she said.

Some of the wealth he sees around him has also got him wondering about his own family circumstances.

"He asked if we were poor because we weren't going overseas like most of his friends were."

She had to explain that, while the family could pay its bills, trips abroad would be an occasional treat.

And when it came to gaming assets, both her sons could get jealous, Lorraine said.

"They say some friend they've got X box and they've got Play Station and why can't they have that?"

Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher says this desire to keep up with the 'in crowd' or even compete with them is a natural part of development.

"There's actually an evolutionary drive and it's completely developmentally normal to compete. We compete to fit in."

And humans have been at it for a long time.

"Going back to cavemen days you were far less likely to be eaten or starve if you were included."

She said those who were excluded from the group were much more vulnerable.

"So there's a reason why being in the 'us' has some advantages."

She believed Darwin's survival of the fittest also played a role.

"If I have more than you, then my safety is almost more assured because I have power, I have some control, I have some extra stuff for me."

Over time, Ms Gallagher believed life had become even more individual and the communal 'us and them' had morphed into 'you and me' or 'me versus you'.

'So you can see how 'Keeping up with the Joneses', in fact competing with and beating the Joneses has become more important, especially as some resources have become more scarce."…

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