Welcome to welcome to the apolocalypse! It contains a potentially new segment called, "Am I wrong about this?" When faced with a Zombie apocalypse, shouldn't you aim for the achilles, or at least the leg? Maybe as a weapon-in-the-head lodging problem-avoidance. (SPOILER ALERT: we might give away a plot element from the first few minutes of pick whichever zombie franchise.) Or, how about many cans of expandable foam? With proper preparation, this could be a winning tactic. If you think your strategy for defeating the next plague of undead is better than some slow-moving farm equipment, let us know by email ([email protected]). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We are not the first podcast. OK? We start in Pooh Corner. Assume that half the world's population are going to disappear somehow. How could we adjust this event to make it as happy as possible? We should try to see such things in a positive light, after all. In case you are a magician or have an infinite glove or something similar, consider our advice. For example: we randomly alternate who is disappeared every day. There are implications, but we work out some of the logistics, including catering for parties. It's all really fucked up. Thanks Warren! If you're a mime and want to defend your existence, email us ([email protected]). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We start after a long hiatus with an Urban Legend: sneezing while on the toilet increases poop removal volume by 30-60%, which can decrease the risk of bum and poop cancers. Aren't you glad you know this now? It's all about timing! We discuss what coarseness of pepper is best for provoking a bowel clearing sneeze. But what if you poop too much? Then we discover that Bing can manufacture a superficially impressive description of a hypothetical Limited Appeal podcast in the same style as your scribe (ahem), but with a tiny amount of the effort. Turns out that Bing's topic, title, and description were actually formulaic and quite poor. Some offense. Feel free to write us, Bing, and contest our assessment of your work ([email protected]). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We hope you will enjoy listening to this episode! Back in the day, I guess. Nope, that doesn't really work, does it? T-Bone heard somewhere that birds can regenerate damaged hearing. It's not clear if we're talking about birds from rock concerts or those near other loud birds. But whatever the cause, it's quite cool they might give us clues for regenerative human hearing! Whether this leads to infinite numbers of heads remains unclear. If you think there's a topological difference between a water cup and a flatworm, let us know via email ([email protected]). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We have a new contest! This is "Who's That Bird: Celebrity Edition", in which Warren will play the sound of a celebrity and the rest of us need to guess who it is. The celebrity is probably not a bird, and may not even be making bird noises, but you'll have to listen to be sure. Warren patiently explains this multiple times, and even so we're not very sure how this works. Spoiler alert: do you know your celebrity entomologists? Or is this a clever diversion to throw you off the piste? Ha! Haha. If you are Hoss and have started listening again after a few years, let us know by email ([email protected]). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

In part 2 of our name 5 things series, we make slightly more progress in finding possible animal opponents that a human might be able to take on in a fight, assuming the opponent is human-sized. As noted in part 1, the question is fraught with complexity. You have to fight the organism in its own habitat, but you may be allowed time to put on boots. Despite these constraints, we do come up with a short list of candidates. Without basking too much in this achievement, we then move on to consider which animal might win the battle royale of human-sized animals. Here again, there is some unexpected complexity to unpack, including the context-specific nature of fighting ability depending on one's opponent. We consider the importance of keeping your mouth closed, exploiting your hooves, protecting your neck, and discounting your horns. If you have any suggestions for contestants we have ignored, send us an email ([email protected]). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

After a whole episode of buildup (see Holy Straw, Batman), Warren finally gets the chance to introduce his new topic: name 5 animals, that if they were human-sized, you think you could take them. The rules of this strange fight club have you fighting in the organism's own habitat, so there are no freebies against whales even if you have three pillows and two buddies. We spend a lot of time considering the potential weakness of a long neck, and whether and how that might be counterbalanced by a good knockout punch. We also discuss the virtues of roundedness and beaklessness, and the futility of weapons design for ungulates. But we may not have come up with 5 satisfying exemplars, so there may be a part 2 someday. If you want to make any suggestions for that unlikely second chapter, send us an email ([email protected]). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Warren has a perfect comeback topic to get back into the swing of things after a long hiatus, but first a warm-up question: how many holes does a straw have? Are you sure? What about a donut? What about a person? As usual – wait, can we say as usual when we record every year or so? Yeah, whatever, as usual, we do a bit of rambling while counting holes, and our conversation veers through considerations of semantics, anatomy, topology, cloacas, and explosive hydrostatic penises. If you want to opine on the proper criteria for a comparative biology pee and poo contest, or want to complain about the fact that we never actually get around to Warren's perfect question, send us an email ([email protected]). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Ballpark Talk is back, due to its overwhelming previous success! Snorkelling vs. being a peeping tom. Same ballpark? Perspective matters here: who is peeping on whom? Warren makes a compelling case that some situations involve teammates. It probably makes sense, maybe? I don't know. We somehow end up discussing whether curtains should maybe be on the outside of the house. Is it defensible to be a shy snorkeler? How about at a public pool? Let us know what you think about underwater viewing in any context by sending us an email ([email protected]). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

Normally, podcasts will edit out the part of a recording where the hosts decide what to do. But we roll a different way from normal podcasts, so you get a short and not terribly interesting behind-the-scenes look at Warren introducing the possibilities. Anyway, we start a new version of the 'Who's that bird?' contest, but in this case Warren will name a bird and describe it, and its circumstances, and the rest of us need to attempt to produce the sound that Warren is describing. Warren will then subjectively (or by consensus) judge whose bird call is closest to the real one. You can play along at home, but since we can't hear you, you can't win. You'll have to judge for yourself whether your call is close to the mark. If you want to send us your call, you can do that, I suppose. Email us ([email protected]). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.

We accidentally create a new segment to start this episode because we got caught up in whether our DJ was dead or his estate needed to spin the tunes. What is an estate? Do you need to have anything? What if you're dead? Does real estate imply you have an estate? What if the teddybear you get buried with was bequeathed to someone else? What if none of this is interesting to anyone at all? Hmph. On a related note, if someone says your singing voice is very distinctive, is that a compliment? How would you note sarcasm in your written compliment, if you wanted to? Or if you were quoting someone else's sarcastic comment? And wanted to do so sarcastically? How BM£ interesting. Finally, how many chests does a centaur have? We discuss the internal anatomical implications of having an extra chest, and it's as $%^ fascinating as you might expect? If you want to engage with us about any of this for some reason, send us an email ([email protected]). Theme music courtesy of General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners and Ipecac Recordings.