Most people assume that whoever cares less in a relationship holds the power. In this episode, Dr. Doug Lisle explains why that framing gets it completely backwards. What people call the "care gap" isn't a power move at all. It's a signal about what's actually happening in the competitive marketplace both partners are operating in. Whether you're feeling the gap or causing it, the real question isn't who cares more. It's why.

As Dr. Lisle explains, what's actually driving that dynamic, and what to do about it, depends on a highly individual matrix of mate value, aging, personality, and life circumstances.

In this episode:

· 0:00 — Announcement: Beat Your Genes is returning to YouTube. Subscribe at @BeatYourGenes

· 1:52 — The care gap question: why does he seem to stop trying after the relationship stabilizes?

· 12:30 — How mate value shifts differently for men and women after 40, and why evolution designed it that way

· 24:15 — The love instinct, the magic 10%, and why Match.com didn't solve loneliness

· 35:40 — What "caring less" actually signals, and what to do if you're on the losing end of the trade

· 46:00 — The chiseling chip: the one vicious cycle Dr. Lisle says can sometimes be broken

Key question covered: Is the care gap in long-term relationships inevitable, or is there something you can actually do about it?

Beat Your Genes is co-hosted by evolutionary psychologist Dr. Doug Lisle, PhD and Dr. Nathan Gershfeld, DC. New episodes every other week.

🎥 YouTube: youtube.com/@BeatYourGenes

🔗 beatyourgenes.org

📩 Doug Lisle: esteemdynamics.com

📩 Nathan Gershfeld: fastingescape.com

𝕏 @BeatYourGenes

Intro & outro: City of Happy Ones. Ferenc Hegedus. Licensed for use. © Beat Your Genes Podcast

Q1: I am an artist and I will occasionally use AI for reference material. But I still sketch the image out onto canvas and then paint it all by hand. My issue is when other artists create AI artwork, print it on canvas and then maybe embellish the work with some paint and try and present the work as an original painting. There is one woman in particular in my neighborhood who does this and people actually fall for it. She charges very low prices for these quote unquote paintings. The people who buy the artwork are likely older and cannot tell the difference. I'm actually not sure how so many people in our community fall for her scam because, to me, it is blatantly obvious what she is doing. I know that artists are now selling online and globally so it shouldn't need to be a local thing. But I actually depend a lot on local sales because many people prefer to buy artwork to support artists in their community. So basically, what does one do when a fellow villager is cheating at your expense?

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

00:52 Local artist asks how to compete when others are selling AI art as hand-painted originals

17:12 Music innovation caused the Fall of the Opera House

31:48 There is no stopping innovation

43:22 What about other jobs being taken by AI?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Q1: Dear Dr. Lisle, I am curious what your thoughts are on Acceptance and Commitment therapy? I am a psychologist, and I have to use this method at my job, and I have noticed that some of the points of the treatment is a bit similar to your method. For example the focus on committing to value-driven behavior to give purpose in life is similar to the behavior that brings us closer to our survival and reproductive goals. However it seems like the method see negative thoughts and feelings as something we should just accept as part of life, and not something that should guide our behavior in any way, and instead it says that it should be our values that guide our behavior. It feels like they got it right with the committed action, but it feels like a mistake to dismiss our thoughts and feelings like that. What do you think about this?

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

2:09 Iran bombs Dubai while Dr. Lisle is there

18:50 Psychologist asking about Acceptance & Commitment Therapy

27:00 Your values are innate including religious beliefs

46:45 Limits to facing the facts of reality

1:00:48 Psychotherapy basic principles are like friendships

1:13:14. The future of psychotherapy

1:16:03 Final thoughts

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

2:10 A little bit about Bitcoin

2:40 Q1: He wants sex, she wants connection

10:45 Females are defensive until they see love cues

22:25 Suspected key issue

29:15 Could it be a phone addiction?

32:50 Q2: Are people doing romance backwards?

42:15 Can I be happy without a partner?

52:16 Final thoughts

Q1: My husband and I have been fighting about the same issues our entire marriage (18 years). He complains that I don't have sex with him enough or that when we do have sex I'm not into it (which I'm not). I don't want to have sex with him because I don't feel close to him at all. He works long hours at a stressful job. It is not uncommon for us to barely speak on workdays. He comes home stressed and tired so he spends the evening staring at his phone or watching TV. I have tried to explain that it is important to me that we talk or at least spend a little bit of time together every day, but he doesn't change. The only time he shows any interest in me is when he wants to have sex. I feel like we are stuck in a terrible loop, but I don't know how to get out of it.

Q2: Many of the experienced and wise people that I know, say 50 and older AND wise, have realized that they DON'T have to be in a romantic relationship in order to be happy. In general, have people overestimated the need to be in a romantic relationship? Should our own individual happiness and self-reliance come FIRST as a required prerequisite in order to be truly ready for a romantic relationship? Are some people "doing it backwards" by demanding romance from the world, when they could have instead been happy for decades FIRST...when the RIGHT romance then happens to maybe arrive (partially because they themselves are now so attractive to others due to being so happy and self-reliant)?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

Dear Dr. Lisle, This question is about coming to terms with aging. I know that being "young" is somewhat a relative term, but I'm a woman turning 35 this year and I can't stop worrying about my aging face and the beauty I'm losing and will continue to lose. I've always been a little ocd about my looks, but I feel that this relatively new problem is an insurmountable one. For me, a huge part of feeling good is knowing I look good. And knowing that eventually one day I won't look good is eating away at me. I'm constantly wondering, am I still attractive? How many years do I have left? Then I look at pictures of myself from the past and shake my head because I could have been enjoying myself instead of worrying. I really was attractive. I kind of missed out on those years because of these incessant doubts and fears. I have not yet done any invasive medical procedures like botox but am wondering if I should, since everyone else seems to be doing it. However, I'm also worried about the risks they carry. What I'd really like is to not to be bothered by my aging face, I'm hoping one day I just won't care, but my mother is in her 60s and still gets procedures done. I'm thinking my obsessions will get worse as I get older. Please help!

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

0:45 A little bit about Bitcoin

3:45 Listener is Coming to Terms with her Aging

12:25 Personality traits are on a Bell curve

22:20 Aging anxiety is normal and common

40:10 An interesting experiment

47:30 Final thoughts

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Psychologist mentioned in the show:

Laura Bruce, Ph.D.

www.PhillyOCD.com

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

01:20 Q1: Single mom asks for advice on dealing with her out of control son

13:30 Cognitive dissonance in a mom

20:55 Personality does not deteriorate

35:35 Gloat Therapy

46:00 Limitations of Positive/Negative Reinforcement

57:45 Final thoughts

Q1: What is your advice to a single mom of a 15 year old teen male that is out of control and no consequences are changing his behavior? He says he hates his mother, wants to go to foster care, has a lot of anger. His father is not in the picture and has not been for 10+ years. He is refusing to go to school, repeatedly running away, is definitely vaping and using marijuana, uncertain about harder drugs, his speech is odd, using slang and talking in a way he has never spoken before. He has been arrested and is pending a hearing however any suggestions as to the best way to handle this? I fear once in the juvenile justice system he will become even more hardened. Are there any approaches that can increase the odds of helping him out of this? To add, until recently I haven't done the best job of consistently following through on consequences when he is disrespectful to me, doesn't do school work, or acts out of control. Is he just pushing back harder now because I've never stuck to my guns before?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

02:07 The Year of Dr. Lisle's Book

3:13 New Personality Trait? Tendency for Victimhood

https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.110134

30:30 Disagreeable with a few moving parts

41:28 Q1: Past traumatic relationship – how to start dating again?

1:05:20 Final thoughts

Q1: How do I regain my self confidence after narcissistic abuse? I had an extremely emotionally abusive partner who would constantly call me fat even though I wasn't (I was 5'4 120 pounds). He would force me to weigh myself before every time we had sex and if I was above a certain weight, he would insult me and refuse sex. I developed an eating disorder because of this and got down to 90 pounds. Even when I was pregnant with our baby, he constantly called me a disgusting fat cow even though it was his child I was carrying. Now that I'm free of him I have regained some weight, and am a healthier 110 pounds. The problem is, I'm so traumatized by men and relationships that I am afraid to date. My confidence is lower than it ever was, even though, ironically I used to model when I was younger and have always been told I was beautiful, he ruined that. I'm 40 years old and I don't want to be single forever. What should I do?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

01:45 Q1: Dating broke, unmotivated men in my 70's

13:40 Q2: Reparations: Trade, Force, or Fraud?

28:10 Q3: Daughter likes Bad Boys, but Mom and Dad want her to date the Dull Nice Guys

38:23 Q4: Searching for Spark After Lifelong Apathy

49:00 Final thoughts

Q1: How does a woman in her early 70s, who is neither broke nor retired and also engaged in several creative projects, feel good about dating a similar-aged man (both single of course), who is broke, retired, and has no outside interests other than her? I realize that many people at this stage are on SS# but when I was growing up, the man paid for dinner, etc. I can't help but not be attracted to a man who asks me to split or pay the whole bill. On the same hand I would feel bad even letting him pay if he were to try (which he hasn't) as i know he doesnt have it. I know this comes off as "entitled" but the question still remains, how does an older widowed or divorced woman, used to a man being a man (gallant )navigate the reality of older broke couch potatoes which seems to be all that is left in the older male dating pool? (I know this sounds terrible but I do lose respect for men who seem to be looking for a free ride and a recreation director).

Q2: In Episode 319 Dr Lisle talks about the various way animals go about getting resources: with their own hands, trade, force or fraud. I live in a country which had an indigenous people here before the Europeans arrived and settled here over 200 years ago. Many reparations have been made to the descendants of the original indigenous people in the form of land and money, but there is an ongoing, building movement to acquire more reparations and more acknowlegement for colonisation. It seems as if there is no way for the people of today to ever repay the 'wrongs' of the past. I'm trying to work out which way of getting resources this is. Is it in the end, just fraud?

Q3: One of our daughters is 30 years old. My wife and I suspect she typically falls for bad guys: self-assured, sometimes a little bit dominant and narcissistic. She has great fun with them for a while. Then their bad behavior such as aggression shows up. Since two years, she has a nice boyfriend: not dominant, very considerate, and with a lot of matches: like her he likes traveling, listening to music, having deep discussions. However, she doubts the relationship, mainly because being at home with him is considered 'dull' by her. She sometimes would like him to be more dominant and decisive. He seems not so self-assured and she claims this makes her less self-assured too. She would like to have children and thinks he would make a great father, but she really finds their relationship dull and feels not a lot of physical attraction anymore. How would Dr. Lisle decide whether he would advise her to lower her expectations (he has a lot of plusses) of whether he would advise her to break up with him? What information or criteria would make him giving advice in one or the other direction?

Q4: Dear Dr. Lisle, I feel like I'm finding it really hard to be motivated by anything in life, including relationships, career/success, helping others, food, resources, etc. When analyzing my past, I feel like I've always been this way - very unmotivated and non-competitive. However, the one thing that motivated me when I was young was the fear of getting in trouble or people being upset with me. Now that I'm a middle aged adult, I care a lot less about people being upset with me and so I'm just trudging through life and feeling pretty flat. The only thing I can think of is that I have a pretty nihilistic point of view. I remember the first time I really contemplated death on a deep level (I was around 7) and since then I feel like I've always been followed by a voice that says "what's the point of wasting energy, you and everyone you know will all be dead soon." I want to desire things and live life to the fullest, but I feel like my motivation and happy chemicals are somehow offline. Just to give some additional context - I am a pretty emotionally sensitive woman and when I do get sparks of motivation or awe, it feels really good - it just doesn't happen very often. I can't tell if there's something chemically wrong with me or if I've just developed a really negative outlook on life because of this one instance when I was 7. Any insights or hacks would be appreciated. (Also thanks for all that you do. I've really appreciated your thoughts over the years)

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

02:42 Q1: Listener struggles with finding meaning and motivation after embracing an evolutionary-psychology worldview that feels deterministic and uncomfortable.

7:03 The start of psychotherapy

17:00 Life problems are competitive

33:10 You're not better off not knowing about human nature

49:07 Everybody knows the truth, deep down

1:05:04 Final thoughts

Q1: This podcast has ruined my life. Well, not exactly, but it certainly hasn't helped. Yet, like passing a car crash, I cannot look away. My desire to understand the true nature of our existence seems to supersede the delusions that I might otherwise be comfortable with. With each episode comes a new insight that I previously wouldn't have had swimming around in my head, but I'm still enamored with the biological and philosophical implications of Dr. Lisle's approach to our evolution. But because these ideas are uncomfortable, they tend to put me in a place socially, and even in my own head, that isn't exactly producing satisfaction. I have always been afflicted with the idea that, much like buying into a religion, accepting the fantasies that we humans have constructed to deal with these hard truths would lead to a happier existence. Yet, I can not unknow or unthink these things. If I never had listened to this podcast, I might consider therapy, or medication management for my angst, and maybe they would have helped me a certain percentage, but now I am fully on board with Dr. Lisle's approach and know deep down his are the only real answers to life's modern problems. Even though there's still a small part of me that questions how immutable his advice seems, I can not steer myself into a satisfactory mindset. Unfortunately, all of this has caused me to devolve into somewhat of a determinist, referencing Dr. Lisle in life's modern struggles when one of these so-called, maladaptive behaviors (e.g. irritability, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, lack of satisfaction no matter how good life seems to be, etc.) arises leading me to simply ask myself, "why bother taking action if this is how I'm wired." So my question is, how can I find purpose and meaning while still maintaining intellectual honesty in this complicated world when manipulating my environment and the people around me isn't exactly the most practical thing to accomplish?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

01:51 Q1: Are men destined to hold more power in relationships due to women being the higher investment party?

09:23 What are relationships?

18:08 Are women the only ones who need affirmation & esteem signals?

34:30 What do we need in a relationship?

46:32 The only hope for a dying relationship

Q1: Are men destined to hold more power in relationships, aka in a position of power, because women are always the higher investment party? In my experience with a few long-term relationships, the men stopped caring for and investing in my emotional well-being after the initial phase of chasing and courting. They're nice, hardworking, and sincere, but I no longer receive the esteem signals and affirmation that women often need, especially after having kids, since they know I'm not going anywhere. Am I asking for too much? Should I just be happy knowing he's a good provider of resources?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

02:25 Q1: When Neuroticism Sees the Breakup Coming Before He Does

11:25 Small Adjustments vs Sudden shifts

20:30 Analyzing key parameters

36:20 Q2: Pair Bonding: Nature's Anti-Chippy Software Update

45:15 Final thoughts

Q1: I am a female scoring high on the vulnerability dimension of neuroticism on the Big 5 assessment. I have always left partners first when I felt any kind of instability in the relationship or felt they weren't completely into me. I married my husband who had been my friend for years and knew he was stable and completely into me, this was comforting and we have been married for 13 years. Just knowing that men naturally value women who are fertile scares me when thinking about our future together when I am 45 and up (I am currently 35)- he scores very low in openness and expresses his contentment for our relationship, seems to value me, but I am also going to be legally blind in older age. However, I'm setting myself up to be able to continue earning an income and I am involved in social activities and hobbies on my own. I find myself wanting to leave and establish my own apartment when my younger daughter is a teenager, just so I can avoid any future problems in my relationship with him. It's like with evo psych I can see the future that he will not value me and I just don't want to ever experience that (thanks, neuroticism :( ) I would appreciate any insight and advice about this! If I bring this up to my husband he just says "what a narrow view of the world you have".

Q2: I don't understand wife, wife, wife, chippy from an evolutionary psychology standpoint. If everything comes down to reproduction and pair bonding didn't exist in the stone age, wouldn't it just be chippy, chippy, chippy, chippy? Didn't the chiefs and best hunters just sleep with as many females as they chose? I know that traditionally men had harems, slaves, concubines and multiple wives, with the men sleeping with multiple females at the same time without commitment. What changed to create the wife relationship or pair bonding in the first place?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

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