We all have patterns we can see clearly…and still can't seem to stop. Dr. Rick and Forrest explore how avoidance fuels these patterns, and how we can break the avoidance loop by updating our expectations and predictions about the future. They discuss what avoidance coping is, how the brain works as a prediction machine, why that means insight alone usually isn't enough to break a pattern, and what the current science of exposure and expectancy violation says about how change actually happens. 

This is the first of two episodes dedicated to this topic, the second will focus on how to brave our feared experiences and go from insight to action.

Key Topics:

00:00: Intro: avoidance coping and mental predictions

8:07: Five types of avoidance behaviors

17:35: The invisible cage

23:50: Predictive processing

29:49: Identity and high confidence predictions

34:30: How avoidance can perpetuate painful experiences

40:01: Exposure and the Inhibitory Learning Model

52:00: Answering common questions

56:07: Recap

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Forrest is joined by one of the world's leading happiness researchers, Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, to discuss the real secret to happiness: feeling loved. Dr. Lyubomirsky explains the key difference between being loved and feeling loved, why self-improvement (usually) isn’t the answer, and how giving love leads to getting love. They then walk through five mindsets that help people both get more love and feel more loved. Other topics include the vulnerability paradox, capitalization and the importance of enthusiasm, using the mindsets to evaluate our relationships, polyamory and non-monogamous love, and AI companions.

You can find Sonja's diagnostic quiz at howtofeelloved.com 

About our Guest: Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky is a Professor of Psychology at UC Riverside, and the author of a number of bestselling books including How to Feel Loved with Dr. Harry Reis. She is one of the most frequently cited well-being researchers in the world.

Key Topics:

0:00: Intro: connection as the key to happiness

2:31: The difference between being loved and feeling loved

6:58: What love is

9:09: If only beliefs and the vulnerability paradox

19:36: Mindsets to embrace if you're looking for more love and connection

23:26: The relationship “sea”saw

31:44: Five mindsets to embrace if you want to feel more loved

51:51: AI companionship, polyamory, and MDMA

1:08:03: Recap

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Last week, Dr. Rick and Forrest discussed why healthy conflict is a vital part of strong and intimate relationships. Today, they focus on the how-to of effective repair: what it looks like, why it’s so hard, and how to do it well. Together they walk through four common patterns of conflict, offering guidance on how to interrupt the cycle, turn down the heat, and get back on the same team. They offer tools such as compassionate curiosity, affectionate humor, and taking maximum reasonable responsibility. Finally, they discuss the personal benefits of healthy conflict and repair: when we have a new experience and truly take it in, we can learn that conflict doesn’t have to lead to disconnection, disappointment, or abandonment. 

Key Topics:

0:00: Intro and what healthy repair looks like

5:26: Red flag: the withdrawal of caring and compassionate curiosity

9:26: Initiating repair

12:24: Scenario 1: The "accidental argument"

21:10: Scenario 2: The chronic broken commitment

40:01: Scenario 3: The missed bid

1:01:38: Scenario 4: The “seeming” change in relationship

1:07:11: Taking in repair

1:16:23: Recap

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Most of us are pretty bad at conflict, usually because we weren’t taught how to handle it well. But healthy conflict can be one of the best ways to deepen intimacy and trust. In this episode Dr. Rick and Forrest discuss why conflict is so difficult, the models of conflict we inherit from childhood, healthy repair, what emotional flooding does to the brain and body during a fight, and the research on what actually predicts relationship success. They close with a handful of things that get mistaken for repair but aren't, including submission, thin apologies, and just solving the surface problem. 

Key Topics:

0:00: Intro

3:19: Repair as the biggest predictor of relationship success

5:29: Models of conflict and where they originate from

16:08: What is healthy repair, and why is it so hard?

24:54: What to do about emotional flooding

30:25: When to let things go, and when to address them

38:36: What repair is and what it's not

46:47: The power of authentic apologies

57:04: Recap

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Forrest is joined by neurogastroenterologist Dr. Trisha Pasricha for a conversation about the gut-brain connection, including how gut health impacts our mood and mental health. Dr. Pasricha explains how the gut and the brain communicate, how early gut experiences can shape adult anxiety and depression, why GI symptoms are often misunderstood or dismissed, and what the research actually says about probiotics, leaky gut, and detoxification. They also discuss simple, evidence-based ways to improve gut health, dispelling social-media fueled myths along the way. 

About our guest: Dr. Tricia Pasricha is a physician-scientist at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, an assistant professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School, and columnist for the Washington Post. Her new book, You've Been Pooping All Wrong, explains the connection between your gut, your brain, and your mental health.

Key Topics:

0:00 Intro: what's neurogastroenterology?

5:48: Believing your patient

9:31: The lifelong impact of childhood gut issues

18:27: The relationship between the gut and the brain

23:20: The tiktokification of gut health information

30:56: Probiotics – do they help?

34:15: The microbiome

43:34: Advice to people with gut issues

46:21: What about cleanses?

55:52: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! ⁠If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.⁠

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Forrest is joined by author, meditator, and friend Diego Perez, also known as Yung Pueblo, for a conversation about right effort, the balance between pushing through and letting go, and the death of nuance in the age of social media. 

They start with Diego’s experience on his recent 60-day silent meditation retreat, and what that kind of practice teaches about craving, attachment, and getting unstuck from old roles. Diego frames right effort as the middle path between forcing your life and going with the flow, and that tension leads into a conversation about social media, including the appeal of reductive advice and being told what to do. Diego closes with what he'd recommend for someone who wants some of the rewards of practice without committing to a long retreat.

Key Topics: 

0:00: Intro

2:02: Diego's 60-day silent retreat

8:17: Right Effort: balancing pursuit with letting go

15:49: Attachment, craving, and suffering

19:25: Diego's journey to the sensitive boy’s club

25:19: Resistance: a sign that something is wrong or that we should push harder?

31:07: How to stop outsourcing your decisions & find guidance within 

42:41: The limitations of labels and therapy-speak

52:26: Practices for those who aren't serious meditators

55:39: Recap

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Dr. Lindsay Gibson joins Forrest to explore how we can reparent ourselves, recover from emotionally immature parenting, and develop greater emotional maturity. They discuss what emotional maturity actually is, the "good enough" parent, the voices we internalize, and how adults can begin to give themselves the internal security and emotional attunement they missed in childhood. Other topics include why feeling misunderstood is so painful, the lifelong dance between connection and autonomy, and the hidden costs of authoritarian parenting. 

About our guest: Dr. Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist and bestselling author of a number of books, including Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and her new book, How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child.

Key Topics:

0:00: Intro & what emotional maturity looks like

7:45: Why our culture undervalues emotional maturity 

12:56: The “good enough” parent

20:05: What happens to children with emotionally immature parents

27:15: Repair in adulthood

36:22: The importance of feeling understood

43:40: Mirroring: why it’s important and how to get better at it

49:07: Balancing connection and autonomy

53:39: The appropriate level of parental authority

1:04:34: Parenting mistakes to avoid

1:15:29: Recap

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Dr. Rick and Forrest explore how we can become securely attached to ourselves: building an internal foundation that lets us connect with others, regulate our emotions, and explore the world from that secure base. They talk about how this is supposed to develop in childhood, why it doesn't for many people, and what we can actually do about it as adults. Topics include the research on early attachment, why so many of us arrive at adulthood with a strong inner critic and weak inner support, and four practical paths forward: creating a coherent narrative about your past, reparenting yourself, rescaling your sense of self in relation to others, and building self-trust through healthy exploration. 

Rick’s Attachment Course: Join Rick for a 5-week online course on using the research-backed HEAL method to heal insecure attachment and create new neural pathways for interacting and connecting securely. You can learn more at RickHanson.com/attachment and get 25% off with coupon code BeingWell25.

Key Topics 

0:00: Introduction

2:00: The research on becoming a “secure base”

8:17: How we internalize early sources of regulation and recognition

15:43: What happens when love is contingent

18:44: Forming a coherent narrative

29:14: Reparenting yourself

42:07: Rebuilding your sense of self

57:40: Using your secure base to explore, try, and fail

1:09:18: Recap

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If you’ve ever felt paralyzed by the options in your life, you’re not alone. Today, Forrest is joined by best-selling author David Epstein to discuss how constraints can lead to greater creativity, generativity, and, paradoxically, freedom. They trace how intentional constraints have led to some of the most influential contributions to the world, including Mendeleev’s periodic table, Viriginia Woolf’s groundbreaking novels, and Kyrie Irving’s (potential) hall of fame career. Throughout, they focus on how we can go from seeing constraints as an obstacle to appreciating them as an asset, and then apply this principle to building more meaningful and satisfying lives. 

About our guest: David Epstein is a renowned science journalist and the best selling author of The Sports Gene and Range. His new book, Inside the Box: How Constraints Make Us Better, comes out May 5th.

Key Topics: 

0:00: Why focus on constraints?

5:21: Why constraints are good for us

13:50: Time and attention as (productive) bottlenecks

17:10: Why ‘flashes of genius’ are often exaggerated

25:02: What Virginia Woolf teaches us about constraints and creativity

29:35: How unlimited freedom undermines the scientific process

38:29 Constraints make for better sports training

40:23: Applying constraints to our work and relationships

46:02: Satisficers vs maximizers, and how to become a satisficer

48:50: Expanding our notion of constraints

55:14: Death and impermanence; the ultimate constraints

57:45: Will constraints help the Celtics win the NBA Championship?

1:05:49: Recap

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Have you ever had a friend not text you back, and you’re certain that they’re mad at you? This is often a disruption in the process of mentalization: the ability to recognize that our thoughts and feelings might not be facts. Mentalization is a process we can all struggle with, but it’s particularly important for people who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

In this episode, Forrest is joined by psychotherapist and author Robert Drozek to discuss mentalization-based treatment (MBT) and the tools that can help us develop more flexibility and curiosity around our assumptions. Bob outlines the three common modes of mentalizing, explains how childhood experiences shape mentalization, and offers a map for building healthier ways of relating to our thoughts and feelings. 

About our Guest: Robert Drozak is a clinical social worker, the clinical director of the Mentalization-Based Treatment Clinic at McLean Hospital, and a teaching associate in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. His new book, Mentalization: Utilizing Reflection to Heal from Borderline Personality Disorder, is the first book about Mentalization-Based Treatment aimed at a general audience. 

Key Topics: 

0:00: Intro: what is mentalization?

5:12: Ways mentalization can go wrong

13:25: Borderline Personality Disorder as a deficit in mentalization

22:13: How mentalization is shaped in childhood

28:54: The alien self

32:23: Developing an MBT formulation

42:03: MBT in the therapy room

54:40: Challenging your beliefs and assumptions

1:11:21: How to get out of pretend mode

1:21:37: Addressing problems with interoception

1:30:00: Recap

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Why does knowing we overthink not help us stop? Dr. Rick and Forrest discuss why rumination becomes a self-reinforcing habit,  and why insight alone rarely helps. They distinguish between rumination and reflection, and talk about how balancing acceptance and agency can help us go from one to the other. Forrest talks about the relationship between overthinking and feelings of disappointment and failure, and Rick shares practical ways to interrupt the cycle, shift into more concrete forms of problem-solving, and finally stop ruminating.

Rick's Rumination Course: If rumination is a persistent issue for you, check out Rick’s five-week online course focused on practical tools for letting go of these negative thought loops. Learn more at RickHanson.com/ruminating, and use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive a 25% discount.

Previous episodes on rumination and overthinking:

• Breaking the Self-Awareness Trap: How to Stop Overthinking | Being Well
  
• 
  Rumination: How to Disrupt Obsessive Thoughts

Key Topics: 

0:00: Intro: what is rumination

5:35: Why we ruminate

21:06: Why rumination doesn't help us

25:24: Moving from rumination to reflection

31:35: Rumination as a habit

38:40: Interrupting the rumination habit

46:44: Radical helplessness and radical resourcefulness

53:43: More ways to move from abstract to concrete thinking 

1:07:23: The role of mindfulness

1:13:32: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

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