Academic, teacher, and writer Victoria Biggs shares her experience growing up as an autistic, dyspraxic child and explains how parents can support their similarly wired children

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We live in a society where success is often defined by external markers like prestigious jobs, academic achievements, or traditional milestones. But as parents of neurodivergent kids, we know our children’s paths and timelines often look different. And while their journeys may not align with conventional notions of success, that doesn’t mean they’re any less meaningful or valuable. So, how can we redefine what success means—for our kids and for our families? That’s one of the big questions I explore with today’s guest, child psychologist Dr. Emily King.

In our conversation, Dr. Emily and I dive into redefining success for neurodivergent students, emphasizing the importance of joy, self-discovery, and effectiveness in their learning journeys. We explore how cultural definitions of success can be limiting, what’s happening in American public schools regarding neurodivergence, and the actionable steps we can take to help shift the paradigm. Most importantly, we talk about how to reframe “success” in our families in ways that empower our children to build autonomous, self-actualized lives on their terms.

About Dr. Emily King

Dr. Emily King is a Child Psychologist and former School Psychologist who has worked with neurodivergent children and teens for over 20 years. She received a Ph.D. in School Psychology from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill where she worked at Frank Porter Graham Child Development Institute and the Carolina Institute for Developmental Disabilities. She spent five years as a School Psychologist in Houston, Texas specializing in providing school-based mental health services in K-12 public schools. Dr. Emily now works in private practice in North Carolina supporting the mental health needs of neurodivergent youth, their families, and their teachers.

Dr. Emily hosts the Learn with Dr. Emily Substack where you can find her blogs and monthly parent workshops. She is also the creator of The Neurodiverse Classroom, a professional development curriculum for elementary and middle school educators. Dr. Emily has been featured on MSNBC’s Morning Joe, quoted in The New York Times and The Washington Post, and has written for Parents.com. You can learn more with Dr. Emily by listening to her podcast or following her on Substack.

Things you'll learn from this episode

• Why the 2 key ingredients for success for neurodivergent students are joy coupled with effectiveness
• How cultural definitions of success can be limiting for neurodivergent kids, and what we can do about it
• What is the state of neurodivergence understanding in American public schools and what we can all do to shift the paradigm forward
• How we can redefine “success” in our families and for our children in ways that empower them to create autonomous, self-actualized adult lives

Resources mentioned

• Dr. Emily King’s website
• Learn with Dr. Emily (Emily’s Substack)
• Learn with Dr. Emily Podcast
• Dr. Mona Delahooke’s website
• Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids by Dr. Mona Delahooke
• Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges by Dr. Mona Delahooke
• Dr. Mona Delahooke on the Power of Brain-Body Parenting (Tilt Parenting podcast)
• Dr. Mona Delahooke on Looking Beyond Kids Challenging Behaviors (Tilt Parenting podcast)
• Dr. Dan Siegel & the Window of Tolerance
• Stephen Porgess & Polyvagal Theory

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This episode is a deep dive into pathological demand avoidance in children (also known as PDA), which is typically defined as a pervasive developmental disorder that falls under the autism spectrum. It’s a label that’s frequently used in the United Kingdom, and it’s often defined as a complicated and misunderstood condition wherein some people have a heightened anxiety response to demands being placed on them. PDA isn’t universally recognized as a diagnosis, and it’s also a label rooted in controversy.

To talk with us about all of this is friend of the podcast Dr. Melissa Neff, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the assessment of ADHD, depression, anxiety, trauma, nonverbal learning disorder, and autism spectrum disorders, about the diagnostic process.

Melissa Neff, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Missoula, MT. She conducts psychological evaluations for children and adults. She specializes in the assessment of giftedness, ADHD, depression, anxiety, trauma, nonverbal learning disorder, and typical and atypical presentations of autism.

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We’ve touched on the theory of self-determination on the show before, but today, I’m thrilled to dedicate an entire episode to this important topic. Joining me for this deeper dive is Dr. Gina Riley, an expert in self-determination theory and motivation. This conversation will resonate with so many of you because it beautifully ties into themes we often explore here, like low-demand parenting and fostering our kids’ natural passions and strengths.

In this episode, Gina explains the theory of self-determination and dives into the science behind why it’s so impactful, particularly for neurodivergent kids. We explore how it connects with autonomy-supportive parenting and discuss the three tenets of cognitive evaluation theory, which examines what fosters intrinsic motivation. We also tackle the hot topic of whether extrinsic motivators like stickers and rewards have a place and how to genuinely connect with our kids' interests—even when they differ from our own.

About Dr. Gina Riley

Gina Riley, Ph.D., is an educational psychologist, Program Director, and Clinical Professor of Adolescent Special Education at CUNY – Hunter College. She has conducted significant research on homeschooling and unschooling, an educational method and philosophy that advocates student intrinsic motivation as a primary means for learning. In addition to her research on self-directed learning environments, Dr. Riley has expertise in Supported Decision Making, an alternative to guardianship for students with disabilities. She is a faculty advisor for Supported Decision Making New York, promoting autonomy and self-determination for individuals with disabilities. 

Dr.Riley also has extensive experience in online, hybrid, and HyFlex education, having been actively involved in the field since 1998. Her contributions to educational psychology and alternative education models have been influential in shaping contemporary discussions on personalized and flexible learning approaches. Dr. Riley is the author of numerous academic articles and three books, including Unschooling:Exploring Learning Beyond the Classroom (Palgrave, 2020), The Homeschooling Starter Guide (Simon & Schuster, 2021), and The Joys of Self Determined Learning: A Collection of Essays (Ricci Publishing, 2022). She is the current President-Elect of the New York State Association of Teacher Educators.

Things you'll learn from this episode

• What self-determination theory is, and how it’s connected to intrinsic motivation
• Why a sense of competence, autonomy, and relatedness, as outlined in the cognitive evaluation theory, are crucial for motivation
• Why it matters that parents focus on facilitating autonomy and decision-making in their children
• What the science says about how and why intrinsic motivation leads to better academic and social outcomes in adulthood
• How intrinsic and extrinsic motivations can coexist and why it’s important that they’re balanced

Resources mentioned

• Dr. Gina Riley’s website
• Gina on Instagram
• Gina on Twitter
• Unschooling: Exploring Learning Beyond the Classroom by Dr. Gina Riley
• The Homeschooling Starter Guide: How to Create and Adapt the Best Education Action Plan for Your Needs by Dr. Gina Riley
• NYS Decision Making Curriculum (free decision making curriculum for schools and homeschools
• I Will Die on This Hill: Autistic Adults, Autism Parents, and the Children Who Deserve a Better World by Meghan Ashburn and Jules Edwards
• Meghan Ashburn and Jules Edwards on Autistic Adults, Autism Parents, and the Children Who Deserve a Better World (Tilt Parenting podcast)
• Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Dan Pink
• The intrinsic motivation of Richard Ryan and Edward Deci
• The Self-Driven Child, with William Stixrud and Ned Johnson (Tilt Parenting podcast)
• The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives by Dr. William Stixrud and Ned Johnson

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Sherri Cawn, a leading practitioner of the DIR/Floortime® model in speech and language development, explores characteristics, assessment, intervention of communication disorders in children.

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I know that parenting kids who are struggling with mental health challenges can sometimes feel overwhelming, as though we’re not equipped to handle what’s happening. When our kids are going through tough mental health moments, it can be isolating, scary, and exhausting. That’s why I’m so grateful for the work of my guest today, Dr. Christine Crawford, the associate medical director for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization.

Dr. Crawford is the author of the new book, You Are Not Alone for Parents and Caregivers: The NAMI Guide to Navigating Your Child’s Mental Health—With Advice from Experts and Wisdom from Real Families. It’s an incredibly helpful handbook for any parent navigating this challenging path. The book covers everything from how to talk to our kids about their mental health, to what to do if a long-awaited therapist doesn’t turn out to be the right fit. It also delves into practical and emotional concerns, such as recognizing signs of depression, understanding our critical role as parents in the mental health team, and learning about concepts like the “distress radius” to better gauge the impact of mental health issues.

Finally, a quick content warning: this episode includes discussions of suicidal ideation and other sensitive mental health topics. If these are difficult subjects for you, please prioritize your well-being while listening.

About Dr. Christine Crawford

Christine M. Crawford, MD, MPH is the associate medical director for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) which is the country’s largest grassroots mental health organization. She is an Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Vice Chair of Education at the Boston University School of Medicine. She also provides outpatient psychiatric care to children and adolescents at Boston Medical Center. Additionally, she’s the Medical Director for the Boston Public Health Commission’s School Based Clinician Program in which she provides direct guidance on how best to support the socioemotional wellbeing of children within the Boston Public School System. On behalf of NAMI, she regularly engages with the general public, as well as with organizations, companies, healthcare providers, and fellow clinicians and researchers. She is a trusted source of child mental health expertise for major media outlets including the New York Times, the Washington Post, NPR, the Boston Globe, NBC, and Medscape. She has made on-camera appearances for the Today Show, BBC, and local news affiliates of CBS, Fox, and ABC. She lives with her family in Boston, Massachusetts.

Things you'll learn from this episode

• Why it’s important that we talk openly and frequently with our child about their feelings, starting as early as age three
• What signs to look for in terms of changes in mood or behavior that might indicate our child is experiencing a mental health challenge
• Why parental involvement in mental health care is critical for supporting children’s progress Why learning how to manage and tolerate distressing feelings isn’t just for our struggling kids
• What the “distress radius” is and how to use it to identify the extent and impact of mental health issues within our families
• How and when to seek community support and other resources when a child is navigating a mental health challenge

Resources mentioned

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
• You Are Not Alone for Parents and Caregivers: The NAMI Guide to Navigating Your Child’s Mental Health―With Advice from Experts and Wisdom from Real Families by Dr. Christine Crawford
• You Are Not Alone book website
• Help for Parents! Symptoms and Steps for Kids' Mental Health Struggles (GoToHealth Media YouTube video)
• Debbie Reber Shares Her Best Self-Care Strategies
• 11 Ideas for Boosting Your Self-Care (PDF)
• Debbie’s Self-Care Planner Template

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Dr. Rita Eichenstein, author of "Not What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children," talks about how parents can process the discovery that their child is neurodivergent.

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Debbie Reber and parent coach Margaret Webb answer a listener's question about how to deal with chaotic energy among children during the bedtime transition (as well as other big transitions).

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Dr. Allie Ticktin, a licensed occupational therapist with a specialty in sensory integration and early childhood development, talks about how to tap into the power of play to support a child's learning and development.

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I’ll say right upfront that this is a different kind of episode for the podcast, but stick with me, because today, we’re diving into digital decluttering. I know firsthand the toll digital clutter can take. Raising neurodivergent kids means managing a ton of information — from school communications and teacher emails to scheduling appointments, handling assessments, and organizing documentation. It’s a lot to keep track of, and it can really weigh us down.

If you can relate, this episode is for you. I invited tech and productivity coach Amanda Jefferson, affectionately known as the Tech Whisperer, to help us tackle digital clutter. Amanda guides busy people through streamlining their digital lives and speaks about silencing society’s noisy “shoulds.” She’s a TEDx speaker, one of the world’s first KonMari consultants, and co-host of the Good Enough-ish podcast. Her work has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Real Simple, Harper’s Bazaar, and Good Day Philadelphia.

In our conversation, we discussed the importance of digital decluttering, particularly for neurodivergent families. Amanda shared strategies for securely storing essential documents, organizing email to reduce stress, managing passwords, and using what she calls “free assistants” on our devices to make daily routines run more smoothly.

Even if you consider yourself tech-savvy, I think you’ll learn something new in this episode. Enjoy, and hopefully, you’ll walk away with some actionable steps!

About Amanda Jefferson

Amanda Jefferson is a tech and productivity coach, TEDx speaker, one of the world’s first KonMari consultants, and host of the top-rated Good Enough-ish podcast. She has been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Real Simple, Harpers Bazaar, Good Day Philadelphia, and more. She was recently named a Top 50 Women Speaker of 2024 by renowned speaker and author Jess Ekstrom. Known affectionately as the Tech Whisperer, Amanda helps busy people declutter their digital lives and talks to audiences about how to quiet the noisy shoulds of society.

Things you'll learn from this episode

• How tackling digital clutter bit by bit can lead to noticeable improvements, reducing overwhelm and enhancing focus
• Why setting up an “action-needed” folder can streamline email processing, while Gmail's sorting tools and filters help keep the inbox clutter-free
• What the “cloud” is and why it’s invaluable for securely storing essential documents and making them accessible anytime
• Ideas for streamlining password management
• The types of “digital assistants” available to help with reminders, scheduling, and hands-free task management, making family routines smoother
• How AI tools like ChatGPT can save time on research and assist with documentation, making digital workflows quicker and more efficient

Resources mentioned

• Amanda’s website Indigo Organizing
• The Good Enoughish Podcast
• Work with Amanda on digital decluttering
• Amanda on Instagram
• Amanda’s Free Ultimate Checklist for Organizing your Gmail
• How to Stay on Top of your Gmail … and Actually Have Fun While Doing It 
• Skylight Calendar (Tilt listeners get $40 off purchase of a Skylight Calendar when you go to skylightcal.com/tilt) 
• One Password
• Bringing Clarity Into Your Home, Spaces & Life, with Lisa Viscardi (Tilt Parenting podcast) 

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Debbie talks with four differently wired adults who share their stories of discovering and/or learn more about their own neurodivergence as a result of parenting their differently wired children.

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