Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The weekly Ross O'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

6 minutes 20 seconds

Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement

The old man steps into the kitchen with a Montecristo the size of a rolled-up yoga mat burning between his fat fingers. Sorcha storts coughing – her passive-aggressive way of telling him that we don’t allow smoking in this house – but he just ignores her, like he did when she tried to introduce a similar rule about shoes.
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27 April 2024, 5:00 am
6 minutes 23 seconds

‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’

How quickly the years go by. That’s what I’m thinking as I’m taking the right turn at Donnybrook Bus Depot.
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22 April 2024, 3:21 pm
6 minutes 17 seconds

‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’

I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming.
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12 April 2024, 11:00 am
6 minutes 2 seconds

‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’

Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana.
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8 April 2024, 12:22 pm
6 minutes 23 seconds

‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’

Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, like, one set apiece and we’re winning 5-4 in the third.
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29 March 2024, 12:00 pm
5 minutes 43 seconds

‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’

I tell Honor that I’m proud of her.

I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the way you’re, like, owning what you did?”

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22 March 2024, 12:00 pm
5 minutes 54 seconds

Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip

I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late?
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15 March 2024, 12:00 pm
5 minutes 52 seconds

‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’

I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.

“Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”

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8 March 2024, 1:00 pm
5 minutes 45 seconds

‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’

Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair.

I’m like, “Why would you even think that?”

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1 March 2024, 12:00 pm
6 minutes 15 seconds

Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one

I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day.

She’s like, “What ... the ... fock?”

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23 February 2024, 12:00 pm
6 minutes 15 seconds

Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’

Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for?

She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.”

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16 February 2024, 1:00 pm
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