Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The weekly Ross O'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

  • 6 minutes 44 seconds
    ‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word
    The old man is sitting in the corner of what was once Shanahan’s on the Green, sucking on a Cohiba the size of a Daihatsu exhaust. 

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    24 April 2026, 4:21 pm
  • 6 minutes 14 seconds
    ‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’
    Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of doing my joke about having a semi to look forward to – but then I think better of it.

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    17 April 2026, 2:18 pm
  • 7 minutes 16 seconds
    ‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’

    “Come in,” she goes.


    This is Bernie I’m quoting – word for word, by the way – as in, like, Bernie the mother of Claire from, like, Bray of all places?

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    10 April 2026, 4:35 pm
  • 5 minutes 48 seconds
    We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’
    “Stop!” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, we’re driving through Donnybrook at the time. I generally slow down anyway as we’re passing the spot where Kielys once stood, just to make the sign of the cross on myself. Except Sorcha is looking past me at the other side of the road?

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    3 April 2026, 3:43 pm
  • 6 minutes 41 seconds
    ‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it
    The airport is absolutely rammers and I’m in – it has to be said – scintillating form, so much so that Sorcha actually remorks on it.

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    27 March 2026, 11:54 pm
  • 6 minutes 27 seconds
    ‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’
    I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is actually happening? Yeah, no, you always try to think about worst case scenarios in your head – just so you have a plan in case something goes wrong – but this is beyond my, literally, worst nightmares.

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    20 March 2026, 4:55 pm
  • 6 minutes 22 seconds
    ‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’
    This is me in my – yeah, no – absolute happy place. Castlerock College jersey with the collar popped. Rugby Tactics Book under my orm. The match against Blackrock College is just four days away and I have a plan to beat them. 

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    13 March 2026, 5:53 pm
  • 6 minutes 17 seconds
    ‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’
    So it’s, like, 11 o’clock on Sunday morning and I’m hord at work – albeit still in bed – making notes in my famous Rugby Tactics Book. Sorcha walks into the room and goes, “Get dressed, Ross. We’re going out for lunch.”

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    6 March 2026, 5:14 pm
  • 5 minutes 57 seconds
    ‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’
    “Kicker!” the old man has the actual nerve to go. “To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?”

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    27 February 2026, 5:00 pm
  • 6 minutes 2 seconds
    ‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’
    Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And it’s far from it. I could give her a list of 50 things, except I doubt if it would help my cause.

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    20 February 2026, 4:56 pm
  • 6 minutes 34 seconds
    The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’
    There’s no sugar-coating this one. We’ve been taken to the literally cleaners today. Yeah, no, beaten 45-10 by – and there’s easy way of saying this – Wesley College, the same Wesley College who haven’t won a Leinster Schools Senior Cup since the world was in pretty much black and white.

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    13 February 2026, 7:00 am
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